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Old Yesterday, 02:39 PM
 
Location: Camberville
11,567 posts, read 16,282,616 times
Reputation: 18516

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Quote:
Originally Posted by chrisnur View Post
This is my last post on this topic. Thanks for the suggestions. I'm going to try my best to get him help. Here is a little more history. Sorry this is going to be all over the place, I'm tired. I believe it all started when he was young. Before I married my wife, she lived with her mom. I met her when her son was one year old. She lived with her mom until her son was around 7 years old. In those 6 years her mom never left the house. She didn't like being around other people. So she had mental issues herself. She constantly told my wife to hoover over her son and constantly attend to his needs. One little sniffle and the whole house came running to his needs. If I played with my future stepson, she would always say I was too rough and was out to hurt him. One day, I threw a water balloon softly at his leg that didn't even pop. His grandmother freaked out causing him to cry. I believed he loved the attention and now constantly craves it. When we visited my brother in another state with my wife and stepson, my mother in-law freaked out, called and tried to issued an amber alert, and the police showed up at my brothers house. My brother and the police just shook their heads in disbelief after we told them what was going on. If I tried to make him do chores her mom said I was a bully and being lazy for not doing myself. She would say, "He's just a child". I warned my wife way back then not to hoover over her son but she said her mom was constantly pressuring her. Of course I also felt constantly pressured because I was accused even before my daughter was born that I was going to neglect my stepson.
He did very poorly in school. I tried to help him with his homework but he refused to make any effort. For example, in a history assignment I would tell him the page to look for the answer to his homework question. He said he couldn't find it. Next I would point to the paragraph. Same response. Next I would point to the sentence. Same response. Finally I just told him the answer. In 6th grade he got 11 F's on his report card but they just past him on to the 7th grade. I think the schools gave up on him. Somehow he started getting B's and C's on his report card but I can tell he wasn't learning anything. He never brought home homework after 7th grade. I believe in elementary school the teachers would have other students help him but I heard they eventually just completed his work for him. To this day he refuses to learn how to tell time on an analog clock. He just says he can look at a digital clock or his smartphone.
My wife's brother lived with his mom until he was 28. He didn't have a job so eventually he got kicked out of the house and taken to a homeless shelter. Eventually he got a job and is currently living with his partner. I'm not sure if my stepson is gay but if I had to guess I would say yes. I have no issues if he is so that isn't a problem in my book. It's his prerogative.
He basically has no comment on it when my wife asked him.
I think him being constantly rewarded for not doing anything and the constant attention caused him to be this way. After I told him he smells and needs to take a shower, he won't talk to me and leaves the room every time I enter it. My wife told me he does this because he thinks I'm a bully. I'm from another generation that if someone tells me I smell I take a shower and put deodorant on. If someone tells me I'm fat, I exercise to lose weight. If I'm doing poorly in school, I study harder and seek help. I don't feel pity if someone tells me the reality of the situation. I do something to improve it. He is from a generation that blames others for their misfortunes. The victim mentality. I tried to raise him in my beliefs but I had the school and my mother in-law preventing it. I believe they instilled that mentality into his head. I worked 70-85 hours a week so my wife can be a stay at home mom and take care of the kids. In case your wondering that is what she wanted to do and it wasn't my decision.
One last thing. I'm a RN and I have seen plenty of mental issues at a prison I use to work at for 2 years. I'm not a mental health nurse and only took PSY 101 like most college students and a few chapters in my nursing books. My stepson is very similar to some of the inmates I been around. If I do kick him out, I know he most likely won't get a reality check. He won't blame himself but he will blame me and never try to improve his outcome. He will always be a victim. I seen it time and time again at the prison. Some of the inmates never learn and sometimes hurt themselves for attention. I hope he doesn't but I already see the writing on the wall.

Nothing you have said about your parenting style or how you have addressed this situation with your wife indicates that the bolded is true.


What you've described is akin to child abuse, at the very least medical neglect. And it continued for years. You don't get to blame this kid or his generation for something you can't seem to be able to bear to address your responsibility in.
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Old Yesterday, 06:28 PM
 
6,238 posts, read 3,481,927 times
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How and why does the son have a cell phone? Who pays for it if he is not working and what does he use it for if he communicates with no one and has a computer to access the internet at will?
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Old Yesterday, 06:48 PM
 
Location: Yucaipa, California
9,658 posts, read 17,975,096 times
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Does your step son sleep until noon & is up all night ? The kid needs help & don't kick him out.
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Old Yesterday, 07:03 PM
 
2,634 posts, read 3,160,085 times
Reputation: 3895
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hedgehog_Mom View Post
Is he depressed? It sounds like he might benefit from a visit to his doctor.
I strongly agree with the above. A visit to the doctor might be a good start.

This isn't the first time I've heard of late teenage boys conducting themselves like this. Some - as in this case - suffer from sufficient motivation, direction, to execute worthwhile endeavors which will lead to self-sufficiency. Their defense is usually based on the fact that they don't do drugs or alcohol. This seems to be a license to be left alone. A relative of mine had such a 19 year old son. She and her husband excused his lack of motivation by stating that he was a good boy whose only vice was to quietly play his guitar in his room. As a result, the boy had no chores, responsibilities, nor made any positive contribution into the household. He milked this into his early 30's. By then he had gotten a job but still lived under his parent's roof. I know of another boy like this but will not get into the details.

If I had a son like this, I'd most like end up in jail. Thank God I never did.

Last edited by chacho_keva; Yesterday at 07:57 PM..
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Old Yesterday, 09:13 PM
 
2,634 posts, read 3,160,085 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by crone View Post
The first thing that needs doing is to teach him why he needs a job.
I'm a product of the 70's. Grew up at a time (and amongst people) who considered it a serious flaw to live with parents at age 19 and above. Most young men I grew up with could not wait for the minute they were old enough (age 18 to 19) to leave home, become independent, and no longer have to give an account of their actions to parents.

I joined the Navy and left home one month shy of my 19th birthday. Best decision I ever made. The Navy placed me in a situation in which I had to make correct decisions for myself, Country, and live according to Military standards. Flagrant deviations from Military standards resulted in harsh restrictive setbacks and/or penalties. End result, the Navy taught me responsibility and decision-making at an early age. By age 23, I had steered myself into the career I've worked in for 34 consecutive years.

Few are the young men now a days who seem inclined to steer themselves with such purpose and determination. Not saying they don't exist because I have met some. However, the likes of them seem far and few in between. Most 19 year old boys these days seem bent on extending their "teen-hood" years well into mid to late 20's, and preferably on mom and dad's dime.

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Old Today, 12:46 AM
 
5,290 posts, read 2,385,423 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chacho_keva View Post
I'm a product of the 70's. Grew up at a time (and amongst people) who considered it a serious flaw to live with parents at age 19 and above. Most young men I grew up with could not wait for the minute they were old enough (age 18 to 19) to leave home, become independent, and no longer have to give an account of their actions to parents.

I joined the Navy and left home one month shy of my 19th birthday. Best decision I ever made. The Navy placed me in a situation in which I had to make correct decisions for myself, Country, and live according to Military standards. Flagrant deviations from Military standards resulted in harsh restrictive setbacks and/or penalties. End result, the Navy taught me responsibility and decision-making at an early age. By age 23, I had steered myself into the career I've worked in for 34 consecutive years.

Few are the young men now a days who seem inclined to steer themselves with such purpose and determination. Not saying they don't exist because I have met some. However, the likes of them seem far and few in between. Most 19 year old boys these days seem bent on extending their "teen-hood" years well into mid to late 20's, and preferably on mom and dad's dime.

There is only a flaw if you ascribe to that being YOUR standard of living.

I was in that era and no we didnt "shame" or "oust" a kin . We actually had Multi generational families in our homes...Grandparents...Aunts...Its HOW we kept a close knit community....each being a viable asset to the HOME. I'm so sorry you didn't get to experience that kinship.

If running away to Join a military Group was your goal as a patriot or wishing to contribute to what you considered a worthy cause...then good on you. You're quite welcome from us tax payers that made sure you had food clothing and shelter...Hmmmm kinda of like a parent would do. All you did was change ships....

For the OP though, I can see how this young man does need an aspiration or motivation to achieve his way into adulthood. Without knowing the young man...the best any of us can do is offer various avenues to eliminate some physical debilities or point towards programs that may get this young guy being self reliant.
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Old Today, 06:58 AM
 
10,300 posts, read 7,937,950 times
Reputation: 6480
Quote:
Originally Posted by chacho_keva View Post
I'm a product of the 70's. Grew up at a time (and amongst people) who considered it a serious flaw to live with parents at age 19 and above. Most young men I grew up with could not wait for the minute they were old enough (age 18 to 19) to leave home, become independent, and no longer have to give an account of their actions to parents.

I joined the Navy and left home one month shy of my 19th birthday. Best decision I ever made. The Navy placed me in a situation in which I had to make correct decisions for myself, Country, and live according to Military standards. Flagrant deviations from Military standards resulted in harsh restrictive setbacks and/or penalties. End result, the Navy taught me responsibility and decision-making at an early age. By age 23, I had steered myself into the career I've worked in for 34 consecutive years.

Few are the young men now a days who seem inclined to steer themselves with such purpose and determination. Not saying they don't exist because I have met some. However, the likes of them seem far and few in between. Most 19 year old boys these days seem bent on extending their "teen-hood" years well into mid to late 20's, and preferably on mom and dad's dime.

I have a hard time relating to any of this because the kids I have been around were all self starters. And, as part of a family unit, had chores as soon as the were able to do them. That's what I meant by the kid didn't know why he needed work.

Being part of a family also means having responsibility to the family unit. That means helping out. My kids, grandkids and foster kids helped with meal prep and clean up starting around age 3-4.

They kept their rooms tidy. Stepping on hot wheels barefoot in the night is not fun.

The family provided them with what they needed. By 12 -14, they had to earn from others the means to get what they wanted.

The 3 male 20ish guys I know are all self starters. so are the friends they bring around. And the kids in the neighborhood.

This mom couldn't separate from her own mom. Consequently they have both ruined this boy. If I were the dad, I get the daughter out of there, fast.
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Old Today, 03:36 PM
 
2,634 posts, read 3,160,085 times
Reputation: 3895
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nov3 View Post
There is only a flaw if you ascribe to that being YOUR standard of living.

I was in that era and no we didnt "shame" or "oust" a kin . We actually had Multi generational families in our homes...Grandparents...Aunts...Its HOW we kept a close knit community....each being a viable asset to the HOME. I'm so sorry you didn't get to experience that kinship.

If running away to Join a military Group was your goal as a patriot or wishing to contribute to what you considered a worthy cause...then good on you. You're quite welcome from us tax payers that made sure you had food clothing and shelter...Hmmmm kinda of like a parent would do. All you did was change ships....

For the OP though, I can see how this young man does need an aspiration or motivation to achieve his way into adulthood. Without knowing the young man...the best any of us can do is offer various avenues to eliminate some physical debilities or point towards programs that may get this young guy being self reliant.
Miss, I congratulate you and your family on your idyllic upbringing. Consider yourself blessed and fortunate. I sincerely mean that.

And yes. You are correct. Some of us were not raised within the type of close knit communities you so wonderfully describe. Some of us were raised in less-than-stellar communities wherein choices were few. Some of us had to chose between activities which could potentially land us in a cell or cemetery. The other choice was to join an Honorable organization which gave meaningful purpose to our lives. As a result, many within my community chose to become assets - not burdens - of society by service to Country. The benefit was twofold. We became better persons through our service, even if at the expense of taxpayer dollar as you so kindly pointed out.

Getting back to the main topic of this thread, I trust the OP will do his due diligence for the sake of his struggling step-son. Raising and guiding a child has never been easy, much less today. Society, so it seems, has made it difficult to differentiate between right/wrong, correct/incorrect, etc. From my perspective, most things now a days are a "fuzzy-gray" and increasingly subject to individual interpretation. But hey, time moves forward, not backwards. Onward shall we go making the best of life.

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