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Old 01-22-2019, 03:21 PM
 
14 posts, read 10,054 times
Reputation: 42

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I have a 19 year old step son that refuses to get a job. He says, "Why are you forcing me to get a job?" He isn't going to college or any trade school. He just sits at home playing video games. I applied for jobs for him and he goes to the interview in sweatpants with a depressed attitude and bad body odor. He doesn't take showers and the whole house is starting to stink. Since a kid he freaks out when water gets in his eyes so I think that is part of it. If he does clean he takes a few strands of hair and rubs shampoo in it and rinses in the sink. He refuses to do any house chores such as taking the garbage out. Me and my wife have a good marriage and my step son has never been abused verbally or physically. The problem is I can't force him to do anything. I took his internet away except when applying for jobs but he still refuses to do anything. He took driving lessons but he gave up on getting his driving license. He has no strive to do anything. He doesn't have any friends or relationships. He doesn't drink or do drugs. I'm thinking about kicking him out but I know he wouldn't last a day in the streets. My wife kind of agreed about kicking him out but I know she would be worried to death about our son and it could affect our relationship. Does anybody have any suggestions what I should do?
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Old 01-22-2019, 03:50 PM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
10,981 posts, read 19,450,027 times
Reputation: 25663
Is he depressed? It sounds like he might benefit from a visit to his doctor.
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Old 01-22-2019, 03:58 PM
 
Location: Austin
7,164 posts, read 17,213,898 times
Reputation: 9692
They have water-less shampoo, start there...

Otherwise, unless you've been the step parent for several years, you need to get his parents involved. And/or you need to set rules with a payment schedule. If he's not in school, he should be paying rent and food. Write it out and how much he needs to pay when. Give him consequences like late fees. If not paid, write it out how many days notice needs to be given before you will evict him out on his own...

Without things in writing, he's going to continue to do what he wants because you haven't stopped him yet.
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Old 01-22-2019, 04:02 PM
 
Location: on the wind
5,130 posts, read 1,992,550 times
Reputation: 18037
I have a 19 year old step son that refuses to get a job. He says, "Why are you forcing me to get a job?" He isn't going to college or any trade school. He just sits at home playing video games. I applied for jobs for him and he goes to the interview in sweatpants with a depressed attitude and bad body odor. He doesn't take showers and the whole house is starting to stink. Since a kid he freaks out when water gets in his eyes so I think that is part of it. If he does clean he takes a few strands of hair and rubs shampoo in it and rinses in the sink. He refuses to do any house chores such as taking the garbage out. Me and my wife have a good marriage and my step son has never been abused verbally or physically. The problem is I can't force him to do anything. I took his internet away except when applying for jobs but he still refuses to do anything. He took driving lessons but he gave up on getting his driving license. He has no strive to do anything. He doesn't have any friends or relationships. He doesn't drink or do drugs. I'm thinking about kicking him out but I know he wouldn't last a day in the streets. My wife kind of agreed about kicking him out but I know she would be worried to death about our son and it could affect our relationship. Does anybody have any suggestions what I should do?

Where's his bio dad/mom in all this? What about telling him that he has 6 months to decide either on a place to live, a job, or to start contributing to your household financially, or he's out. Then you will make that happen. What about military service/National Guard? That would give him structure, to respect authority, teach him how to deal with a lot, teach him skills or put his computer skills to work, get some college tuition paid for, and possibly most important, teach him that's NOT the life he wants for himself.

FWIW, this problem started a long time ago. We do as we are taught. Sounds as if you've handled everything for him growing up. Didn't expect or teach him to contribute to anything, not to be motivated by anything. You housed, clothed, and fed him but didn't show him how to live. There wasn't any reason to take things on to himself so why should that change? There were no consequences for not holding up to any responsibility. Motivation tends to be fed by some need that isn't being met. Now you want him to magically run his own life? It's not realistic to dump him cold if he's never done anything for himself.

Last edited by Parnassia; 01-22-2019 at 04:11 PM..
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Old 01-22-2019, 04:29 PM
 
Location: colorado springs, CO
4,345 posts, read 1,961,532 times
Reputation: 14997
Your step-sons last problem is not having a job; you are framing his problem as if it were yours & for you; not having a job would be #1.

Forget about the job for a while; hes not ready ... Your step-son has no life. Why does a 19 year old not have a life when there is so much life ahead of him? Honestly, Id rather a kid be screwing up, running with a bad crowd, even incarcerated ... than to be alive without a life.

Does he go to restaurants with you? Movies with you? Camping? What did he do in high school? More info ... a lot more info is needed.
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Old 01-22-2019, 04:43 PM
 
5,268 posts, read 2,377,325 times
Reputation: 13415
Hmmm....vague enough to assume things ...yet clear enough to conclude...without knowing details on this young adults education...any challenges...physical or mental.

My x husbands uncle never held a job...and didn't bath either. His education was limited. He sat home ..making ships in bottles. ...The kicker in all this is: He suffered from MS. He couldn't bath himself even if he wanted to! Yet he was a kind soul. And many folks could make assumptions just from the way a person limits information. So maybe the devil is in the details of what wasnt conveyed here. I'll leave it to you dear parent to either be a source of inspiration or be the straw that breaks the camels back. Since he is your step son I presume this is your current wifes' biological son? Is that fair to say?
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Old 01-22-2019, 04:44 PM
 
Location: Nantahala National Forest, NC
20,500 posts, read 4,345,307 times
Reputation: 25512
Quote:
Originally Posted by chrisnur View Post
I have a 19 year old step son that refuses to get a job. He says, "Why are you forcing me to get a job?" He isn't going to college or any trade school. He just sits at home playing video games. I applied for jobs for him and he goes to the interview in sweatpants with a depressed attitude and bad body odor. He doesn't take showers and the whole house is starting to stink. Since a kid he freaks out when water gets in his eyes so I think that is part of it. If he does clean he takes a few strands of hair and rubs shampoo in it and rinses in the sink. He refuses to do any house chores such as taking the garbage out. Me and my wife have a good marriage and my step son has never been abused verbally or physically. The problem is I can't force him to do anything. I took his internet away except when applying for jobs but he still refuses to do anything. He took driving lessons but he gave up on getting his driving license. He has no strive to do anything. He doesn't have any friends or relationships. He doesn't drink or do drugs. I'm thinking about kicking him out but I know he wouldn't last a day in the streets. My wife kind of agreed about kicking him out but I know she would be worried to death about our son and it could affect our relationship. Does anybody have any suggestions what I should do?

You have enabled him to the point where he has no responsibility...

***no reason to change as you two provide everything!

You allow him to stay rent free? Do you pay all food, medical, personal bills?? No chores are required of him? Do you wash his clothes, change his bed??? And he does what...?

Look it up...enabling.

First he needs to see a MD to rule out physical or mental illness. Then you need to kick him out and he'll be forced to take responsibility for himself. He'll need to find a job then...looking for a job should BE HIS JOB for the time being. No letting him back in, no money to support him, no paying for phone bills...etc.

He's had you all supporting his every need without him lifting a finger!!! Sorry, but your fault. You need to be strong...or go to counseling to get help dealing with your enabling behavior and tips on dealing with him...
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Old 01-22-2019, 04:54 PM
 
636 posts, read 391,487 times
Reputation: 634
Get him some Adderall and send him out to work.
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Old 01-22-2019, 05:55 PM
 
2,847 posts, read 1,241,710 times
Reputation: 10959
Quote:
Originally Posted by chrisnur View Post
I have a 19 year old step son that refuses to get a job. He says, "Why are you forcing me to get a job?" He isn't going to college or any trade school. He just sits at home playing video games. I applied for jobs for him and he goes to the interview in sweatpants with a depressed attitude and bad body odor. He doesn't take showers and the whole house is starting to stink. Since a kid he freaks out when water gets in his eyes so I think that is part of it. If he does clean he takes a few strands of hair and rubs shampoo in it and rinses in the sink. He refuses to do any house chores such as taking the garbage out. Me and my wife have a good marriage and my step son has never been abused verbally or physically. The problem is I can't force him to do anything. I took his internet away except when applying for jobs but he still refuses to do anything. He took driving lessons but he gave up on getting his driving license. He has no strive to do anything. He doesn't have any friends or relationships. He doesn't drink or do drugs. I'm thinking about kicking him out but I know he wouldn't last a day in the streets. My wife kind of agreed about kicking him out but I know she would be worried to death about our son and it could affect our relationship. Does anybody have any suggestions what I should do?
Give him choices .

My son was a couch potato, totally unmotivated at that age. We gave him several options and he knew whatever that we would follow through because there was no way he was going to live with us and not contribute.

He could go to college full time and live with us
He could go to college part time and live with us but had to do specific chores
He could get a job and pay us a small sum for groceries etc and save up for his own apartment
We could help him find an apartment and pay the first three months


He chose college part time but quit after a few months and we were back to square one.
He surprised us by joining the marines because he felt it would whip him into shape. It did .

You can give him a list of choices and the last one is 2 or 3 month notice of his moving out. It is up to him what he chooses but then you need to follow through not with anger but as matter of fact.
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Old 01-22-2019, 06:01 PM
 
7,484 posts, read 3,104,533 times
Reputation: 10321
Get him to a psychiatrist. The kid needs help. Sounds like he has more problems than just finding a job. This is not normal behavior.
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