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Old Yesterday, 08:09 AM
 
Location: Camberville
11,574 posts, read 16,287,753 times
Reputation: 18555

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I understand you are upset, but you are doing all that you can to push your daughter away.

If someone came to me and told me their mother has done and said some of the things you said, I'd strongly suggest they develop some boundaries and seperate themselves from a toxic person - especially if introducing a child into the equation. And we're only hearing your side, which I'd gather is probably a lot more sympathetic than what your daughter remembers. Calling her slow, insulting the supportive family who welcomed her, talking about her "loyalty" as if she is a dog and not a legal adult are not ways of fostering a respectful relationship with your daughter. They're great ways of ensuring you won't have much access to your grandchild. Please, for your sake, seek out some support for how to handle this disappointment and frustration in a way that is healthy.

Also, no birth control is 100% effective. People get pregnant accidentally even when using birth control accurately - and most 18 year olds aren't going to be perfect about taking the pill. Facts.
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Old Yesterday, 08:15 AM
 
Location: South Florida
654 posts, read 1,053,936 times
Reputation: 1976
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chawkins803 View Post
I found a pregnancy test about a month and a half ago and confronted her about it. Then she goes to her military exam about two weeks ago and she's pregnant. I believe she was trying to hold on to the BF because a week before that she caught him cheating
Actually, I think she got pregnant to avoid going to the AF. Maybe at some point she really wanted to go, or agreed to go, but she changed her mind. Given that she had already quit her job, started the application process with the AF and you were so determined that it was the right thing for her, it was hard for her to figure a way out.

Her dad is not involved in a truly meaningful way and you don't seem like an easy person to talk to so is it any wonder that she is ending up in the home of her boyfriend's mother? It's the only soft place to land at this point. She also has an ally over there because both she and the BF's mother are going to want him to settle down and finish school so he can help support the baby.

Perhaps you've heard the quote, "We have two ears and one mouth so we can listen twice as much as we speak." It would definitely serve you well in this situation.
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Old Yesterday, 08:33 AM
 
745 posts, read 1,021,730 times
Reputation: 866
You had your daughter on birth control which is OK with you, so you know she was sexually active which was OK with you.
But it wasn't ok with you because the boyfriends mother rented them a hotel room? (excuse me if I misunderstood).
But why is it OK for you to promote sex, but not his mother. And don't use the excuse to prevent pregnancy.

How does he collect a VA check if he was never in the military?

An HAVAC program may very well take 2 years to complete and will be a terrific occupation if he so desires.
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Old Yesterday, 08:55 AM
 
Location: Grosse Ile Michigan
25,416 posts, read 60,837,014 times
Reputation: 28234
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chawkins803 View Post
My kids will always have a place, as long as I have a place.
This has always been our feeling, but it gets hard to balance with not letting them take advantage of you.

A couple of things we found that may be helpful:

It actually works better if they are not paying rent or are paying some very small amount. IF they are paying rent, then you have no more say than does a landlord.

Set up some ground rules form day 1. Write them down. Ask them to sign them. Put them on the fridge so you can point to them. Keep it simple.


tell them when they make you feel like they are taking advantage of you. Do not assume it is conveyed though other conversations or actions. You have to flat to tell them.


Avoid talking to them during their grumpy times (morning, after work, bed time - it depend on the person). One son we told him if he was going to live here, he needs to stay away form us in the morning. He was wonderful the rest of the day (respectful, helpful, engaging, appreciative), but in the mornings he was a complete A-hole. Various of our kids have lived with us for times during and after college/college age. all of them have times when they are pretty awful. Best to just stay away form them during those times.


Things work out or at least change over time. Sometimes it seems like not matter what, things just keep getting worse. Sooner or later it seems they get their **** together. Possibly some never do. However you do not know they will never get it together until you die. Otherwise, there is still some chance it will happen.

One thing we learned that is very very hard to do. Do not mold your life around them anymore. It may be they just turned out badly. Maybe they have issues that you really cannot do anything to help them overcome (depression, anxiety, addiction, whatever). If you blame yourself, so somehow feel you have to "fix"them, or if you let their problems become your life focus, you will destroy yourself. Somehow you have to distance your life from them, even if they are living with you. It is very hard to do. I cannot say we are fully successful, but we did keep some nasty problems from destroying us. But it is not easy and you have to work at it constantly. Since you are on your own, you will have to work harder at it. No one else is there to remind you "hey you are letting them control your life again" Maybe put a note on the mirror so you remind yourself. Live your own life - not hers.
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Old Yesterday, 09:54 AM
 
Location: here
24,758 posts, read 29,302,525 times
Reputation: 31913
Quote:
Originally Posted by charolastra00 View Post
I understand you are upset, but you are doing all that you can to push your daughter away.

If someone came to me and told me their mother has done and said some of the things you said, I'd strongly suggest they develop some boundaries and seperate themselves from a toxic person - especially if introducing a child into the equation. And we're only hearing your side, which I'd gather is probably a lot more sympathetic than what your daughter remembers. Calling her slow, insulting the supportive family who welcomed her, talking about her "loyalty" as if she is a dog and not a legal adult are not ways of fostering a respectful relationship with your daughter. They're great ways of ensuring you won't have much access to your grandchild. Please, for your sake, seek out some support for how to handle this disappointment and frustration in a way that is healthy.

Also, no birth control is 100% effective. People get pregnant accidentally even when using birth control accurately - and most 18 year olds aren't going to be perfect about taking the pill. Facts.
This. I understand why the OP is upset with this situation, but she handled it poorly.
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Old Yesterday, 11:21 AM
 
Location: X marks the spot
625 posts, read 200,254 times
Reputation: 995
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chawkins803 View Post
My kids will always have a place, as long as I have a place.
Are you willing to take in the boyfriend and the grandchild as well?
I know you think you mean well, but your control issues have put you in this situation. You need to back off, and let your daughter make her own decisions. Hopefully she can forgive, but you also need to make changes in how you treat her.
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Old Yesterday, 11:37 AM
 
2,502 posts, read 926,475 times
Reputation: 4796
Enjoy your grandchild. What a beautiful gift!
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Old Yesterday, 11:54 AM
 
Location: SC
37 posts, read 5,345 times
Reputation: 44
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kibbiekat View Post
This. I understand why the OP is upset with this situation, but she handled it poorly.
I admit I did handle it poorly. I was not trying to control my daughter. I did not interfere in her relationship with her BF. I just wanted her to balance her life with him. I could have tried to stop their relationship when she found he had cheated, but I didn't, I let them work it out. I just wanted them to both be responsible and try to build something before a kid. Hell, I would have even thrown them a wedding if they had waited. I supported her to the fullest of what she said she wanted and now she is upset with me because of what she said was a mistake. I am over it. I am killing myself worried about her and she could care less about how I feel. I did and made choices because I cared about not hurting my mom. So the lesson here for me is these kids of today don't care about you. Period. I have let go. I told her I love her and noting won't ever change that. I am here if she needs me, but take your relationship problems to your dad, because I'm not able to help you out with those. I will remain silent because I have said enough. I will be kind and welcoming, but I have no opinion anymore on nothing she, or he does. I am done!!!
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Old Yesterday, 12:04 PM
 
Location: SC
37 posts, read 5,345 times
Reputation: 44
Quote:
Originally Posted by maiden_fern View Post
Are you willing to take in the boyfriend and the grandchild as well?
I know you think you mean well, but your control issues have put you in this situation. You need to back off, and let your daughter make her own decisions. Hopefully she can forgive, but you also need to make changes in how you treat her.
I would not take in the boyfriend, but my daughter and grandchild are welcome. Besides, they don't need a roof over their heads. The BF mom can continue to provide that until he gets his stuff together. Forgive me for what? For getting mad and saying the obvious. For not wanting her to struggle? For losing it because this could have been prevented? Forgive me for wanting better for her. I won't be saying another word. Imma live my life and let go of the disappointments and stop smoking myself in a comma. So Kibbiekat, is that handling it better for you?
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Old Yesterday, 12:11 PM
 
Location: SC
37 posts, read 5,345 times
Reputation: 44
Quote:
Originally Posted by Coldjensens View Post
This has always been our feeling, but it gets hard to balance with not letting them take advantage of you.

A couple of things we found that may be helpful:

It actually works better if they are not paying rent or are paying some very small amount. IF they are paying rent, then you have no more say than does a landlord.

Set up some ground rules form day 1. Write them down. Ask them to sign them. Put them on the fridge so you can point to them. Keep it simple.


tell them when they make you feel like they are taking advantage of you. Do not assume it is conveyed though other conversations or actions. You have to flat to tell them.


Avoid talking to them during their grumpy times (morning, after work, bed time - it depend on the person). One son we told him if he was going to live here, he needs to stay away form us in the morning. He was wonderful the rest of the day (respectful, helpful, engaging, appreciative), but in the mornings he was a complete A-hole. Various of our kids have lived with us for times during and after college/college age. all of them have times when they are pretty awful. Best to just stay away form them during those times.


Things work out or at least change over time. Sometimes it seems like not matter what, things just keep getting worse. Sooner or later it seems they get their **** together. Possibly some never do. However you do not know they will never get it together until you die. Otherwise, there is still some chance it will happen.

One thing we learned that is very very hard to do. Do not mold your life around them anymore. It may be they just turned out badly. Maybe they have issues that you really cannot do anything to help them overcome (depression, anxiety, addiction, whatever). If you blame yourself, so somehow feel you have to "fix"them, or if you let their problems become your life focus, you will destroy yourself. Somehow you have to distance your life from them, even if they are living with you. It is very hard to do. I cannot say we are fully successful, but we did keep some nasty problems from destroying us. But it is not easy and you have to work at it constantly. Since you are on your own, you will have to work harder at it. No one else is there to remind you "hey you are letting them control your life again" Maybe put a note on the mirror so you remind yourself. Live your own life - not hers.
I don't foresee them coming to live with me. I am hoping that they won't need my services for that. His family seems to have that covered. I would be shocked if it came to that. The only way I could see her needing me for that is if things don't work out between her and the BF, but for right now, they are in love, and for her sake, I hope it stays that way
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