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Old 01-26-2019, 12:52 AM
 
6,331 posts, read 3,559,365 times
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Your husband needs to step up and tell her to back off. You're the parents, not her. She already had her chance at parenthood and now you're adults and it's your turn.
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Old 01-26-2019, 01:56 AM
 
1,242 posts, read 380,963 times
Reputation: 1880
Tell her loud and firm. Tell her to act as nicely as the other grandparents do. Don't worry about speaking sweetly and respectfully. And don't wait till you have a fit or crying jag as you speak and lose the effect. Go at it from a place of power and strength and that's that.

I hope she doesn't live with you. Let her know you hope you can trust her going forward as it would be nice for her to see the grandkids. Then think of phrases to repeat so that you don't get upset when she shows up. You will not...this. You will not...that. We will see you later at o'clock.

Hopefully it will work out without too much more angst for you.
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Old 01-26-2019, 08:32 AM
 
15,936 posts, read 18,995,745 times
Reputation: 25864
Under normal circumstances where you were never going to be beholden to your MIL for your child's daily care when you go back to work I'd say....Hold fast, and make your own rules for her visiting your children. But, since your MIL was/is your primary child care provider past and future, she does need to have a good relationship with your children.

I would sit down with your husband, and iron out some sort of compromise.....all the while expressing your desires/concerns. Then figure out a way to swallow your resentment and allow your MIL to babysit your children one day a week, on a trial basis. The trial being you reserve the right to withdraw this offer if MIL gets too pushy again. But, you also will be looking for outside day care or a nanny when you do go back to work.

I see both sides...You seem to be selfishly guarding your youngest child against having a relationship with your MIL. This may be your issue.....How has your first child turned out with your MIL as primary care giver?? If you oldest is happy and well adjusted....perhaps you should lighten up a bit. And enjoy what many folks would adore which is having a MIL so willing to help and provide....Free? daycare....

You are expressing angst and inner turmoil....primarily as I see it because at the same time you resent your MIL...you also need her. Decide how much benefit having her as your day care provider benefits your family....adjust your feelings accordingly.....or seek outside daycare providers. Give this some careful thought.

Just like with everything else in life, pick your battles. Make your decision based on least harm to all concerned. Good luck.

Last edited by JanND; 01-26-2019 at 08:50 AM.. Reason: text edit
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Old 01-26-2019, 10:52 AM
 
473 posts, read 111,207 times
Reputation: 668
THere are some people who only want what they want and compromising will not work. You are in the power position but your MIL does not realize it. If she continues to battle you and your husband, I would start to limit even the one day a week to no days per week until she backs down. If your husband doesn't support you, let him take the children to your MIL on his day off. If she values her time with your children, she will get the message. It's really just like using negative reinforcement with children. Sometimes it takes asserting your power for the other party to respect boundaries.
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Old 01-26-2019, 10:53 AM
 
10,435 posts, read 7,996,533 times
Reputation: 6580
I have seen this movie, and a few more.

The problem is you have limited time to bond with and enjoy your baby. IMO, the problem is not the MIL as much as it is your husband.

He should tell his mother she will soon get her turn. And to be patient.

Some of those people who are crazy about babies won't have the time of day for kids when they get into middle school.
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Old 02-03-2019, 01:36 PM
 
5 posts, read 2,981 times
Reputation: 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by JanND View Post
Under normal circumstances where you were never going to be beholden to your MIL for your child's daily care when you go back to work I'd say....Hold fast, and make your own rules for her visiting your children. But, since your MIL was/is your primary child care provider past and future, she does need to have a good relationship with your children.

I would sit down with your husband, and iron out some sort of compromise.....all the while expressing your desires/concerns. Then figure out a way to swallow your resentment and allow your MIL to babysit your children one day a week, on a trial basis. The trial being you reserve the right to withdraw this offer if MIL gets too pushy again. But, you also will be looking for outside day care or a nanny when you do go back to work.

I see both sides...You seem to be selfishly guarding your youngest child against having a relationship with your MIL. This may be your issue.....How has your first child turned out with your MIL as primary care giver?? If you oldest is happy and well adjusted....perhaps you should lighten up a bit. And enjoy what many folks would adore which is having a MIL so willing to help and provide....Free? daycare....

You are expressing angst and inner turmoil....primarily as I see it because at the same time you resent your MIL...you also need her. Decide how much benefit having her as your day care provider benefits your family....adjust your feelings accordingly.....or seek outside daycare providers. Give this some careful thought.

Just like with everything else in life, pick your battles. Make your decision based on least harm to all concerned. Good luck.
So another problem is that I don't need or want her help. I would gladly send LO to daycare the second my leave is over. Part of the reason why I choose to stay at home for so long is because it shortens the time mil has with my LO.

My experience with my oldest wasnt the best. There was alot of power struggle between myself and MIL. She refused to take direction or ask permission. It led to a lot of tears, alot of fights. Alot of time puts. I'm not convinced she learned her lesson the first time around.

The only reason why she is babysitting is because my H is fighting me on the issue. I'm just waiting for her to screw up again.

What led to the last and longest time out was she cut my oldest's hair knowing she wasnt allowed to. Knowing we did not want her to. Knowing the first cut of my first child was important. She didnt care. She cut his hair the second pur backs were turned and I didnt allow her any interaction with us for 4 months. And not even a month after thetimeout, she was back to asking if she can cut his hair.

I have very very good reasons on why I dont want her around. I'm not selfishly guarding my child. I'm protecting my sanity, my child and whatever chance of a relationship I have left with MIL. I woukdnt mindif she moved to the north pole forever. I'm fed up with her.
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Old 02-03-2019, 02:55 PM
 
1,061 posts, read 1,750,046 times
Reputation: 4336
Your husband is the problem. As long as he refuses to back you up you will continue to have problems with his mom.
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Old 02-03-2019, 07:48 PM
 
176 posts, read 66,574 times
Reputation: 501
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nov3 View Post
And I see that there is room to incorporate the relatives in the childrens' life. Its called becoming familiar and feeling trusting.
I see nothing wrong with a relative asking and finding mutual respect when such is inquired.

If your can't handle an adult request...you are in for a bumpy ride with your children. Lead by example....Share these bundles...Kids see and adapt to how you treat others. Do you really want to be a dismissive person when it comes to family?

On a side note....maybe you can have a Mommy Day to yourself. Sounds like you might need it.
MIL made the adult request .... SAHM answered ... NO.....

MIL then launched a two month emotional, mental, and spiritual attack on new mom.

MIL should be able to handle an adult answer (NO), that isn't the answer she wants it to be !

Tell baby crazy MIL to pound sand.
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Old 02-03-2019, 08:51 PM
 
4,723 posts, read 2,000,271 times
Reputation: 13387
Quote:
Originally Posted by MickFam View Post
So another problem is that I don't need or want her help. I would gladly send LO to daycare the second my leave is over. Part of the reason why I choose to stay at home for so long is because it shortens the time mil has with my LO.

My experience with my oldest wasnt the best. There was alot of power struggle between myself and MIL. She refused to take direction or ask permission. It led to a lot of tears, alot of fights. Alot of time puts. I'm not convinced she learned her lesson the first time around.

The only reason why she is babysitting is because my H is fighting me on the issue. I'm just waiting for her to screw up again.

What led to the last and longest time out was she cut my oldest's hair knowing she wasnt allowed to. Knowing we did not want her to. Knowing the first cut of my first child was important. She didnt care. She cut his hair the second pur backs were turned and I didnt allow her any interaction with us for 4 months. And not even a month after thetimeout, she was back to asking if she can cut his hair.

I have very very good reasons on why I dont want her around. I'm not selfishly guarding my child. I'm protecting my sanity, my child and whatever chance of a relationship I have left with MIL. I woukdnt mindif she moved to the north pole forever. I'm fed up with her.


Anyway, what's stopping you from telling her not to come over????
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Old 02-04-2019, 08:25 AM
 
Location: NYC area
500 posts, read 402,083 times
Reputation: 849
You have a husband problem. The MIL problem is small in comparison. Your husband is "ready to give in"?? WHAT. Does he want to stop his mother's complaining at the expense of his wife? It's 100% a husband problem. He needs to speak to her himself and say she gets 1 half day a week and that's it...stop bringing it up, mom, or that half day will be cut. His job is to shield you from his family's craziness. The end. The fact that he's making this your problem and not giving his mom loving and clear boundaries--that is the issue here.
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