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Old 02-04-2019, 09:01 AM
 
12,704 posts, read 14,982,947 times
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yes...it were sure help if HE was on board as well.
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Old 02-04-2019, 12:14 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,660 posts, read 16,586,772 times
Reputation: 39873
Quote:
Originally Posted by Irish Eyes View Post
Stop discussing it. Tell her when she can come and that's it. Don't answer the phone or the door if it isn't a time when you told her she was welcome. No is a complete sentence.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Harpaint View Post
Your husband needs to step up and tell her to back off. You're the parents, not her. She already had her chance at parenthood and now you're adults and it's your turn.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Maddie104 View Post
THere are some people who only want what they want and compromising will not work. You are in the power position but your MIL does not realize it. If she continues to battle you and your husband, I would start to limit even the one day a week to no days per week until she backs down. If your husband doesn't support you, let him take the children to your MIL on his day off. If she values her time with your children, she will get the message. It's really just like using negative reinforcement with children. Sometimes it takes asserting your power for the other party to respect boundaries.
Quote:
Originally Posted by reebo View Post
Your husband is the problem. As long as he refuses to back you up you will continue to have problems with his mom.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Annikan View Post
You have a husband problem. The MIL problem is small in comparison. Your husband is "ready to give in"?? WHAT. Does he want to stop his mother's complaining at the expense of his wife?

It's 100% a husband problem. He needs to speak to her himself and say she gets 1 half day a week and that's it...stop bringing it up, mom, or that half day will be cut. His job is to shield you from his family's craziness. The end. The fact that he's making this your problem and not giving his mom loving and clear boundaries--that is the issue here.
Obviously, it is a husband problem and NOT a MIL problem.

He must have been asleep (or lying) during your wedding when he promised to be true to you/honor you/respect you and to put you first above all other women/etc./etc. But he isn't. He is putting his mother first. IMHO, that is pretty insulting to you, your marriage vows and your relationship with your spouse.

I have seen marriages break up over far less issues than the husband putting his mother's wishes ahead of his wife's wishes. I predict that it will get worse, maybe even much, much worse, over the years unless you 'nip it in the bud' now.

Good luck.
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Old 02-04-2019, 12:24 PM
 
24,808 posts, read 31,930,630 times
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Let your hubbo read this thread.
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Old 02-04-2019, 06:29 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
20,290 posts, read 13,336,437 times
Reputation: 27283
I think that you and your H need to visit a couples counselor together. (Let the other grands babysit!) You both need to be on the same page. Your MIL gets her way by badgering. This is not cool. It is a form of bullying. You and H need to have a strategy to prevent her constant badgering. I think this would be done best at with a family therapist or counselor.

You will not get YOUR way if your H is not on the same page as you.

Personally, I'd feel justified by cutting all contact for awhile. But you can't do that without H agreeing.

See, H has already rewarded his mother's bullying by giving in with the first child. Now, he is vacillating on the second child. He needs to know where his loyalties lie. Right now he is just tired of the constant badgering, so he's ready to throw in the towel. But I think this is too important to give in.

See a couples counselor or family therapist ASAP. Hang the cost. This would be an investment in marital happiness.
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Old 02-05-2019, 03:56 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,660 posts, read 16,586,772 times
Reputation: 39873
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChessieMom View Post
Let your hubbo read this thread.
I suspect that the OP is afraid to share this thread with her husband. Imho, that is just another Red Flag in their marriage/relationship/interactions.
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Old 02-07-2019, 08:04 AM
 
1,181 posts, read 836,256 times
Reputation: 2371
Agree that this issue is with your husband, not your MIL.

He needs to start putting his kids and his wife first.

But I think it’s probably causing some confusion that you are happy to let her have the kid once you go back to work, but it’s not OK right now. The reasoning that you want to spend as much time as you can is very logical. But you also mentioned that it didn’t go well last time. So why are you putting yourself through that if its not what you want? Because she (and apparently your husband) probably don’t think what happened is that big a deal, if you’re willing to let her watch your new baby (when it’s time). It’s not going to be any different.
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Old 02-13-2019, 07:11 PM
 
35,853 posts, read 13,723,183 times
Reputation: 22630
Quote:
Originally Posted by silibran View Post
I think that you and your H need to visit a couples counselor together. (Let the other grands babysit!) You both need to be on the same page. Your MIL gets her way by badgering. This is not cool. It is a form of bullying. You and H need to have a strategy to prevent her constant badgering. I think this would be done best at with a family therapist or counselor.

You will not get YOUR way if your H is not on the same page as you.

Personally, I'd feel justified by cutting all contact for awhile. But you can't do that without H agreeing.

See, H has already rewarded his mother's bullying by giving in with the first child. Now, he is vacillating on the second child. He needs to know where his loyalties lie. Right now he is just tired of the constant badgering, so he's ready to throw in the towel. But I think this is too important to give in.

See a couples counselor or family therapist ASAP. Hang the cost. This would be an investment in marital happiness.
^^This^^

You and your husband need to have clear, honest discussion of where this heading and both get on the same page.

Ideally, this page would be:

"Mom, we love you and we want our children to have a relationship with you. But you are their grandparent, not their parent. We will be making the decisions about their lives."

I would encourage you to make daycare arrangements that do not revolve around her.

One of my friends watches each of her two grandchildren one day a week. They all have a wonderful time and it is not overwhelming for her. Plus, they stay with her when they are too sick to go to daycare/preschool but not sick enough to need their Dad or Mom to stay home with them.

When the badgering starts, and it will, cut off communication for a set time. Then give it another go.

Good luck!
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Old 02-17-2019, 07:26 PM
 
68 posts, read 15,214 times
Reputation: 178
OP. You need to have a talk with your husband and tell him to grow a pair. It should be up to each marriage partner to deal with their own parents.
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Old Yesterday, 06:24 PM
 
9,839 posts, read 9,034,964 times
Reputation: 15251
Quote:
Originally Posted by Irish Eyes View Post
Stop discussing it. Tell her when she can come and that's it. Don't answer the phone or the door if it isn't a time when you told her she was welcome. No is a complete sentence.
This!!!!

Forget about trying to get your husband to change OP. . . that ain't a'gonna happen. You're on your own here, so step up and set the boundaries.
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Old Today, 01:14 PM
 
122 posts, read 26,595 times
Reputation: 176
One persistent theme I'm seeing is how you feel about your MIL. You said you'd sooner put your child in daycare than have your MIL care for the baby. You seem to actively dislike her, beyond her persistence on the childcare front. I'm not saying you don't have that right; I don't know your past relationship before you had kids. I don't know if there's a history of her not caring for your first child the way you preferred. There are particulars we're not aware of.

I think as other people have said, you or your husband need to have a frank discussion with her to state that this maternity leave is precious time that you've planned for, so the childcare will be done by you. She needs to accept that. However, I'm not clear on how much time you're allowing her to spend with her grandchildren on a regular basis, just being a grandma. Unless she's a terrible person or isn't a conscientious caregiver for your children, it seems reasonable to let her have regular time with them when she lives nearby. I wish my children had that with their grandparents.
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