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Old 01-25-2019, 09:03 AM
 
5 posts, read 2,981 times
Reputation: 23

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Hi all. Im currently on maternity leave with my second child. I have taken 8 months off from work which is the max amount of time thst i can. 5 months of that is unpaid. My H and i have to make some budget cuts and dig into our savings. But i really want to stay at home and enjoy my kids for as long as i can.

My oldest is in preschool fulltime. My H usually drops him off in the mornings and i pick him up in the afternoon. My littest one is obviously home with me fulltime. Since im on leave, i consider it my fulktime job to take care of the kids and house.

So my problem is my MIL wont back off. She is constantly in our face demanding time with the grandkids. She knows im on leave and we explsined that while im home, im going to take care of my kids fulltime. I do not want her "help". I mean i might as well go back to work early if that was the case. But i choosw to takw time off because i want that time with my kids.

I will also say with our oldest, i only took 3 months off and after that MIL watched him fir us reguarly. This was not my decision as i wantes him in daycare fulltime. But with her constant pleading, she broke down my H and he wanted her to watch our oldest. I wont go into details but it was not a good experience and we constantly clashed because she did not take direction. She did whatever she wanted and that was not ok with me.

This is a huge part of why i choosw to take so much time off. I want to avoid this headache. At the end of the day it comes down to she doesnt treat us as parents or adults. She treats us as chikdren and acts like she is in charge. Before you say i should be grateful, im 100% not grateful. Help that is not wanted is not help.

So back to my question. What can i do to get her to back off? I dont want her to watch our kids because that is what i am doing. She also is not content to watch them for a few hours whike we run errands. She wants full all day access. But that is my job right now.

My H isready to give in because he doesnt want to deal with her anymore. But i have to remind him that it is my role to be fulltime caretsker. Not hers. The more she pestors us about this, the more i dislike her. Im not going to give in to her demands but i need her to back off becausw it is causing stress and anxiety that is not needed.

And the other grandparents are so respectful and understanding of my decision to stay home. They dont badger me about this even though im surw they would love grandkids time all day long. It is just her and i have had enough. Any advice???
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Old 01-25-2019, 09:44 AM
 
Location: Nantahala National Forest, NC
21,546 posts, read 4,520,636 times
Reputation: 26374
Sorry you have to deal with this....you are so right, it's your job and your right to set the time MIL has with the children.

What about setting 2 half days a week so she can have them, you can shop or rest but that's it. A dedicated time and no more. Husband needs to step up and support you in this.

Yes, parents often see their adult children as kids...stick to your decisions without wavering. I can see where you'd dislike her for hér persistent, annoying behavior but she's his mom.....you should not have to do this, but I'd explain my feelings of wanting to care for my children myself. TELL her the 2 half days are what you can do...

good luck
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Old 01-25-2019, 10:04 AM
 
281 posts, read 81,839 times
Reputation: 822
Tell her that you appreciate her offer but that this is a special time and you want to soak it all up, especially since you didn't have that chance the first time around.
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Old 01-25-2019, 11:48 AM
 
Location: Central, NJ
2,360 posts, read 4,913,687 times
Reputation: 3136
Stop discussing it. Tell her when she can come and that's it. Don't answer the phone or the door if it isn't a time when you told her she was welcome. No is a complete sentence.
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Old 01-25-2019, 12:43 PM
 
11,670 posts, read 9,522,774 times
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The ONLY thing I have to add to Irish Eyes is, if I COULD I would schedule one day per week for her with the kids at her house. And when I say could, I include for my own fun, health, benefit... and desire. Not by emotional force. I would then spend one day a month sitting on major butt. The other three of those days, I would be doing home chores more aggressively that usual.

That would be me. But I see nothing wrong with you saying NO.
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Old 01-25-2019, 12:57 PM
 
5,406 posts, read 2,443,580 times
Reputation: 13813
And I see that there is room to incorporate the relatives in the childrens' life. Its called becoming familiar and feeling trusting.
I see nothing wrong with a relative asking and finding mutual respect when such is inquired.

If your can't handle an adult request...you are in for a bumpy ride with your children. Lead by example....Share these bundles...Kids see and adapt to how you treat others. Do you really want to be a dismissive person when it comes to family?

On a side note....maybe you can have a Mommy Day to yourself. Sounds like you might need it.
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Old 01-26-2019, 12:27 AM
 
5 posts, read 2,981 times
Reputation: 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by greatblueheron View Post
Sorry you have to deal with this....you are so right, it's your job and your right to set the time MIL has with the children.

What about setting 2 half days a week so she can have them, you can shop or rest but that's it. A dedicated time and no more. Husband needs to step up and support you in this.

Yes, parents often see their adult children as kids...stick to your decisions without wavering. I can see where you'd dislike her for hér persistent, annoying behavior but she's his mom.....you should not have to do this, but I'd explain my feelings of wanting to care for my children myself. TELL her the 2 half days are what you can do...

good luck

I try to go on fake errands every once in a while. And by fake I mean I dont need to do it or want to but I come up with excuses so MIL can get the baby time she craves. But those few hours is not good enough. She doesnt appreciate that time, I just get complaints about how it isnt fair she csnt see them all day. But again, I dont need that all day care as I'm home all day. I don't know, I just feel pressure to give her my kids when I dont want it.
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Old 01-26-2019, 12:32 AM
 
5 posts, read 2,981 times
Reputation: 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nov3 View Post
And I see that there is room to incorporate the relatives in the childrens' life. Its called becoming familiar and feeling trusting.
I see nothing wrong with a relative asking and finding mutual respect when such is inquired.

If your can't handle an adult request...you are in for a bumpy ride with your children. Lead by example....Share these bundles...Kids see and adapt to how you treat others. Do you really want to be a dismissive person when it comes to family?

On a side note....maybe you can have a Mommy Day to yourself. Sounds like you might need it.
I dont see myself being dissmive at all. I have a limited amount of time at home. What is so horrible about wanting to spend all the time that I can with my child. When I go back to work, MIL can have all the baby day she wants. She just needs to wait a few months. We dont plan on sending the baby to daycare until 2 years old..which she knows.

And what about MIL being dismissive about my feelings? It's not exactly respectful to keep asking the same question over and over again when it has already been answered.
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Old 01-26-2019, 12:38 AM
 
5 posts, read 2,981 times
Reputation: 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
The ONLY thing I have to add to Irish Eyes is, if I COULD I would schedule one day per week for her with the kids at her house. And when I say could, I include for my own fun, health, benefit... and desire. Not by emotional force. I would then spend one day a month sitting on major butt. The other three of those days, I would be doing home chores more aggressively that usual.

That would be me. But I see nothing wrong with you saying NO.
Right, I feel like I have to hand over my kids jsut because MIL wants it. Not because i actually need her help. The more she pushes, the more uncomfortable i feel. It is honestly building a lot of resentment inside. I didn't agree to a custody agreement with her about who gets my kids when and for how long. But that is what is feels like.
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Old 01-26-2019, 12:41 AM
 
Location: here
24,760 posts, read 29,381,488 times
Reputation: 31951
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nov3 View Post
And I see that there is room to incorporate the relatives in the childrens' life. Its called becoming familiar and feeling trusting.
I see nothing wrong with a relative asking and finding mutual respect when such is inquired.

If your can't handle an adult request...you are in for a bumpy ride with your children. Lead by example....Share these bundles...Kids see and adapt to how you treat others. Do you really want to be a dismissive person when it comes to family?

On a side note....maybe you can have a Mommy Day to yourself. Sounds like you might need it.
No. Just no.

Kids need to see parents setting healthy boundaries, not giving in to anyone who asks.

OP, you need to set boundaries. Choose a half day/week, or whatever you are comfortable with for grandma to watch the baby while you go out alone to recharge. Don't let her guilt you into taking over these few precious weeks you have with your baby. Br firm.
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