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Old 02-04-2019, 08:00 PM
 
5,904 posts, read 3,636,385 times
Reputation: 14935

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shalop View Post
This is 2019. It astounds me that people still hold this ridiculous mentality that working will be detrimental to the kid's happiness. To me, both parents pursuing ambitious careers (to the extent possible) is the only sensible option.
Quote:
Originally Posted by violetnights View Post
Agreed. Do what is best for you, your child/ren, and your family. If others have a problem with it, they are clearly projecting their own insecurities.
The first poster did not say "do what is best for yourself and your family." He said that having two highly motivated career-minded working parents is the only sensible option for child rearing. Guess what, not every parent on this earth wants to work full time while the children are young. There ARE other "sensible" options.

I chose not to work when my three children were small and that was the right option for MY family. My kids were not harmed by the fact that I chose not to "pursue an ambitious career." Sheesh.
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Old 02-04-2019, 08:13 PM
 
Location: New Yawk
8,759 posts, read 4,979,517 times
Reputation: 14266
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
Well, fathers don't typically raise children, and that goes for human mammals and all other mammals. Mammals are raised by their mothers.

It seems to me that many terrific mothers don't stay home simply for the benefits to their children - they stay with them because they truly enjoy that time, and get such pleasure from raising their children.

So. I don't know for sure that my 3 adult sons benefited from me staying home and raising them, enjoying it so very much, but I can tell you it was the best time of my life and I tell them that with some frequency.

My 3 adults sons have zero doubt that they are and were the greatest delight to me, and I treasure the memory of raising them. And watching them take their first steps, and saying their first words, and the other very very wonderful stuff I was able to be there for.

So that's something.
That’s great. I stayed home until my kids started school, too. But it’s not the only right or beneficial way. Anecdotally, my husband hated having a SAHM. Partly because she was completely disengaged, partly because it meant he never saw his father who worked 3 jobs. Once he became a father himself, it was with the expectation that he would be an equal part in their raising, not just paying the bills. My kids are observant: they know I am working so they can now have adequate living space (raising kids in a tiny apartment was not fun), and incidental luxuries like help with post-secondary education.

FWIW, parental care is not exclusive to females in mammals. Marmoset, Fox, and California mouse are all very hands-on dads, and that’s not even counting mammals where biparental care is the norm.

Last edited by Ginge McFantaPants; 02-04-2019 at 09:14 PM..
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Old 02-04-2019, 08:45 PM
 
Location: Denver 'burbs
21,375 posts, read 22,538,495 times
Reputation: 36280
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
Well, fathers don't typically raise children, and that goes for human mammals and all other mammals. Mammals are raised by their mothers.

It seems to me that many terrific mothers don't stay home simply for the benefits to their children - they stay with them because they truly enjoy that time, and get such pleasure from raising their children.

So. I don't know for sure that my 3 adult sons benefited from me staying home and raising them, enjoying it so very much, but I can tell you it was the best time of my life and I tell them that with some frequency.

My 3 adults sons have zero doubt that they are and were the greatest delight to me, and I treasure the memory of raising them. And watching them take their first steps, and saying their first words, and the other very very wonderful stuff I was able to be there for.

So that's something.
I went back to work when my oldest was 6 weeks old and again when my youngest was 7 weeks old. I worked FT several years, took about a year off when we moved for my husband's job, then worked FT or PT for the remainder (and am still working). Both my adult kids are well adjusted, successful and also have "zero doubt that they are and were the greatest delight" to both my husband and I.

Crazy I know.

Edit: for you to believe that somehow cherishing parenting ones children and delighting in their growth is unique to SAHMs is insulting to say the least. We may have different beliefs and experiences but to imply we couldn't possibly cherish our children as much as you or get joy from raising them (and we DO raise them) is contemptible. I'm truly stunned.

Last edited by maciesmom; 02-04-2019 at 10:10 PM..
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Old 02-04-2019, 08:59 PM
 
Location: WI
2,848 posts, read 3,129,875 times
Reputation: 4935
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
Well, fathers don't typically raise children, and that goes for human mammals and all other mammals. Mammals are raised by their mothers.

It seems to me that many terrific mothers don't stay home simply for the benefits to their children - they stay with them because they truly enjoy that time, and get such pleasure from raising their children.

So. I don't know for sure that my 3 adult sons benefited from me staying home and raising them, enjoying it so very much, but I can tell you it was the best time of my life and I tell them that with some frequency.

My 3 adults sons have zero doubt that they are and were the greatest delight to me, and I treasure the memory of raising them. And watching them take their first steps, and saying their first words, and the other very very wonderful stuff I was able to be there for.

So that's something.
Aside from maternity leave I’ve never NOT worked outside of the home. My adult children have zero doubt that they are and were the greatest delight to me, and I treasure the memory of raising them. And watching them take their first steps, and saying their first words, and the other very very wonderful stuff I was able to be there for.

So that’s something.
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Old Yesterday, 12:26 AM
 
Location: Texas
606 posts, read 493,980 times
Reputation: 1841
I have no dog in this fight, but this study is very misleading (FWIW I think working moms and sahms can both be great moms or not so great moms).

Anyway, this study did a meta analysis of 2 surveys. And both of these surveys asked a binary (yes/no) question to determine a “working mom”.

The 1st survey asked “Did your mother ever work for pay for as long as one year, after you were born and before you were 14?”

The 2nd survey asked “What was your mother’s occupation when you were 15?”

Finally, this study didn’t conclude that children of working moms were “happy”. It concluded that “Results showed no significant associations between maternal employment and self-reported overall happiness for men or women. ”
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Old Yesterday, 01:02 AM
 
1,004 posts, read 458,226 times
Reputation: 2565
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
This study didn't seem to take into account mothers who are educated but choose, while the children are little to stay home to raise them.

The question is not comparing working mothers to mothers on welfare and not working, I think everyone can guess that children raised in poverty will not be as successful as children raised in financially secure homes.

I'd like to see a comparison between upper middle class homes containing both parents, with good schools, with mothers who choose to work outside the home although there isn't a financial need, vs. mothers who choose to stay home and state they enjoy the process while the children are little.

THAT's where you'll get the question answered of the impact of a stay at home vs. mom who puts the child in non family care full time.

Interesting, anyway.
Bingo.
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Old Yesterday, 02:48 AM
 
858 posts, read 628,703 times
Reputation: 3424
Y'all are so extra.

As another poster said, this is just a study to validate the privileged choices of the upper class who can afford to have just one working parent.

Sorry not sorry to everybody who got butt hurt when I wrote it would be optimal for both parents to do nothing but parent.

Parental involvement matters. Splitting your time between work and kids means you'll do both worse than if you picked one and stuck with it. No cherry picked data is going to change that fact.

I wish I could stay home with my kids all day, every day.

Actually, that's a lie. I cherish the 10 hours of adult interaction I get at work.

The truth is it would be best for the kids if I could hack sah, except that we'd all starve.

Again, thanks for nothing, Harvard. How about curing cancer or something useful?
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Old Yesterday, 03:31 AM
 
Location: Eugene, Oregon
7,966 posts, read 2,529,491 times
Reputation: 11150
Quote:
Originally Posted by strawflower View Post
https://hbswk.hbs.edu/item/kids-of-w...o-happy-adults

Kids of working moms grow into happy adults AND they do well in their future careers. Wonderful!

When I was a young boy, my mother ran a medical clinic for farm workers. At age four, I had been permanently expelled from the only large day-care center in town (that's a whole separate story) and so I spent 5 days a week with her at the clinic. One day a week, I went to my dad's office, as my mother went out on location visits that day.

So my experience with having a working mother was quite different than for most. From the beginning, I learned to make myself useful, running errands and doing what I could to help. I was essentially the youngest orderly at the clinic. This continued until the end of summer, when I was six. I wouldn't have missed that great experience for anything.
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Old Yesterday, 03:34 AM
 
Location: Northern Maine
9,663 posts, read 14,570,866 times
Reputation: 9350
I am the fourth generation in my family to be married over 50 years. All of the women up to my mom were SAHMs. My mom went back to work when I went to high school. My wife went back to work when our sons were 10 and 12. She had two masters degrees. We went wilderness canoe camping as a family. I don't mean out in the country, I mean wilderness. We are very much into self sufficiency. We all trained and raced sled dogs. I have not read Harvard's study. My comments are based on three pages of this site. In my experience with all these generations of families, Intact families generally do better than fragmented families. I have a great grandson now from an intact family. He climbed a set of stairs at nine months and began to run at 10 months.

This is anecdotal regarding seven generations with me in the middle.
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Old Yesterday, 06:03 AM
 
5,189 posts, read 1,735,856 times
Reputation: 8304
Quote:
Originally Posted by saibot View Post
The first poster did not say "do what is best for yourself and your family." He said that having two highly motivated career-minded working parents is the only sensible option for child rearing. Guess what, not every parent on this earth wants to work full time while the children are young. There ARE other "sensible" options.

I chose not to work when my three children were small and that was the right option for MY family. My kids were not harmed by the fact that I chose not to "pursue an ambitious career." Sheesh.
Yep.

All these 'studies' do is try to shame SAHMs. Which, coming from a university makes sense. I mean, they are in the business of getting people to buy their services, right? Of course they will support only 'working' people's choices.
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