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And a step parent is a parent, and then we have adoptive parents, foster parents, grandparents raising the kids, and legal guardians.
I think 13 is a little old for spanking, but I find it disturbing that people attach something sexual to this. Spanking a 13 yr old is probably ineffective, but hardly 'sicko'. I think that says more about the posters' thought processes than it does about the stepmom.
This is really true ..but is anyone saying he shouldn't be disciplined for bullying? I think it's just the method that people are disagreeing. But what I have seen from working in a hospital, ER for 3 yrs before telemetry...is that kids who bully don't just bully out of the clear blue sky one day. It's learned behavior..it comes from hearing disrespect & bullying in the home...parents fighting with each other & the like. It also can come from low self esteem or not ever being taught we're all people & resecting others. The time to start this is at a very early age...before bullying behaviors develop.
One thing I learned in a child development class 10 yrs ago...Before you discipline, think to yourself what the "lesson" is. Are you disciplining from the heart...are you teaching & guiding the child? Are you trying to help them understand W H Y their behavior is wrong? Good parenting & good discipline come from the heart, not from the hand.
I believe this is the case over 50% of the time. What you saw, is generally the norm. It is learned behavior, often by caretakers whoever that may be. Hence the dysfunction continues on with no one understanding how to stoP.
Some Parents even brag about hitting their children, that is sickening.
I have to stick with nothing is set in stone. As much as i'd like it to be. at times, these children who go so far and are "talked to" or grounded, whatever. But never have someone do to them what they continue doing to others, that is how they learn. This is not the case with the op but the fact his is 13, teasing someone with a disability, greatly concerns me. The fact the stepmother otherwise has a good relationship with him, well sounds like he will be ok. My guess is, this behavior will curb due to the Stepmom's actions.
Hopefully the op will cherish the stepmom who acts in her place, it's a rough job. Then at some point, mention that she'd have handled it differently. They need to become friends so the first inclination isn't to get angry but to recall you are not in the picture so these things happen.
I'm very upset at what my son did and he absolutely deserved to be punished but this woman had no right to touch my kid. His father supports what she did and gave her permission and I'm ready to raise hell. I need her to learn her place as a stepparent NOT a parent.
You are wrong. When the father has custody, and is married to another woman, she is his parent. I was a step father to our oldest son, who never met his birth father, as his parents were divorced 2 months before he was. In our family there is no such thing as a stepparent. I know numerous families with step children. The happiest ones are like us, the new spouse becomes one of their parents. If not the family never gels as a family, and the child is the one that gets left out and hurt as they really are not a member of the family.
It is far better the husband and new wife are one in agreement on how to handle a problem with a child. It sounds like your ex and his new wife are a team, and you are still angry she is the woman in his life, and she his mother, except when he spends time with you.
It's abuse. How can we physically assault children, post about it, and be ok with that? Violence is never ok, and all it served to "teach" him, is that someone with more authority, AKA: Control, can inflict physical pain at will as long as they deem it acceptable to do so. Poor Kid. Not saying that it's alright to bully, but WTH makes it alright for an adult to inflict corporal punishment!! And for Anyone who says that "I was hit as a child and i'm fine" or variances thereof: Ask yourself; was this the only/best way to have handled it? Was there a better way. Now, i'm angry.
Violence is never ok, and all it served to "teach" him, is that someone with more authority, AKA: Control, can inflict physical pain at will as long as they deem it acceptable to do so. Poor Kid. Not saying that it's alright to bully, but WTH makes it alright for an adult to inflict corporal punishment!! And for Anyone who says that "I was hit as a child and i'm fine" or variances thereof: Ask yourself; was this the only/best way to have handled it? Was there a better way. Now, i'm angry.
Violence is NEVER okay?
Funny, it happens all the time in society. It doesn’t even have to be someone bigger- it could be someone with a badge. Or one with a gun. Not only would they inflict physical pain, they could also very well kill you if you make a move they even slightly perceive as threatening.
The Police and military do the above daily to people’s children the world over on a daily basis. Do you get angry at them too? Should they ask if there is a better way? Or is this selective outrage?
It's abuse. How can we physically assault children, post about it, and be ok with that? Violence is never ok, and all it served to "teach" him, is that someone with more authority, AKA: Control, can inflict physical pain at will as long as they deem it acceptable to do so. Poor Kid. Not saying that it's alright to bully, but WTH makes it alright for an adult to inflict corporal punishment!! And for Anyone who says that "I was hit as a child and i'm fine" or variances thereof: Ask yourself; was this the only/best way to have handled it? Was there a better way. Now, i'm angry.
That "poor kid" is a bully. What about the poor kid he bullied? Sometimes a spanking gets the point across. Calling that violence is hyperbole. It's not like the step mom left bruises. She didn't give him a black eye or break his bones. If he's so much of a snowflake that a spanking is going to hurt his self esteem there will be bigger problems. The fact is, for hundreds of years parents spanked their kids and they are productive members of society.
I have her number and I've typed and deleted so many texts because I'm really close to going off.
Good for you, Toriee! You are showing a great restraint! You behave as a mature adult.
You are so lucky that your beloved son likes his stepmother. Can’t you imagine how horrible his life would be if he did not like her?
My advise is to tell your son that you approve what stepmother did, probably from the feeling of helplessness as your son is bullying a weaker kid.
However, you should talk to your ex and relay that you do not want his wife to use a corporal punishment any more. Be calm and collected, do not use any inflammatory or emotional language.
Somehow, I did not get if you have a firm commitment against spanking or just do not want “ another woman” to use it?
Unfortunately- we can not get always what we want in life.
Do what is best for your son- keep yourself on the same page as your ex and his wife on parenting issues, the worst you can do for your son is to undermine them.
Get more details on the accident and suspension from your son, his school - it could be more serious as someone on this forum pointed out. Ask him if he has any remorse?
Ask him if he was that boy? How would he feel?
Your son may need some help in figuring it all out...
You don’t want your son to become an aggressive, out of control teen, possibly heading to jail, do you?
Your feeling towards your ex current wife is just emotions,which would not matter in 5 years if not sooner...
Let us all know how is everything going.
No, she is still the parent. They have shared custody (even if one has the kid more often), and therefore should be CO-parenting and discussing matters like this together. One parent having primary custody and a new spouse doesn't eliminate the rights or status of the other biological parent, at least not in cases like this.
How do you know she's mad, and/or that the courts ruled against her wishes? Did it ever occur to you that SHE wanted that arrangement? Believe it or not, some mothers choose to allow the father to have primary custody; nothing wrong with that, if they feel it's what is best for the child. Unless I missed something, I see no indication of OP being mad about this agreement.
It's not mean, but like the other poster I quoted above, it's awfully presumptuous of you - not to mention sexist, as I never hear people say this crap when a mother gets primary custody. She didn't lose all parental rights (in which case your comment might be justifiable), she just isn't the PRIMARY custodian... every custody case pretty much has to assign one as primary, even if the kid is almost with them equally. She said he's with her on weekends, so that's basically the same as a shared custody agreement.
What makes you think "there must be some reason" for this? Just because you're not used to the father being the primary? You have no idea what their story is, and there could be a very logical reason with no fault on mom. I know families where dad has/had primary custody, usually for simple reasons like his house is closer to their school; or perhaps he has a more stable financial situation, plus the stay-at-home wife who can be there when the kid gets home.
At any rate, I would be pretty mad if this happened to my child! But it is a good reminder for them to sit down and talk, to discuss what ALL three of them are okay with in terms of discipline. Co-parenting isn't easy, especially with a step-parent involved, and having these talks could avoid conflict in the future. Not much can be done about it now, but that's what I would recommend going forward. Boy, this sure makes me grateful that my step-mother didn't come along until I was grown!
C'mon gizmo. Relax.
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she is still the parent.
So you are saying the stepmom is not supposed to parent children under her care? She made a decision based on the severity of the infraction. What would bio Mom do differently?
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Unless I missed something, I see no indication of OP being mad about this agreement.
Are you kidding? You saw no rage in OPs language???
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You have no idea what their story is,
Neither you or I know what their story is. In the absence of OPs full story neither of us can give a supposed accurate reply.
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it's awfully presumptuous of you - not to mention sexist
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You presume the OP has a different story. Sexist? Not likely coming from me, a feminist.
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But it is a good reminder for them to sit down and talk
I agree.
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