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Old Today, 02:41 PM
 
607 posts, read 539,087 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tottsieanna View Post
I'd be more upset with my son for bulling , especially a special needs child. You may not agree, but at least your son knows it won't be tolerated by his father and step mother.
It wonít be tolerated by threats or actual use of violence by the step mother. That is not a good message to send. She is supposed to be the adult.
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Old Today, 02:43 PM
 
1,457 posts, read 870,459 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by john620 View Post
The step mom addressed an issue with violence. Of course the mother should undermine the step mother in every aspect. If a step parent puts his or her hands on a 13 year old not in self defense that is a crime. Bullying can mean a lot of things. Firstly we donít even know if it occurred as it can be he said she said. Secondly, we have a god given right to express ourselves with speech and tell people we donít like them. Is that what he allegedly did? Schools officials often will take one word over another with no evidence and make rush judgements. Whatever the case ask the step mom if she would like to be spanked because she said something to a person. Thatís the case here. The step mom was being disgusting.

Are you inferring from the OP that all the boy did was tell a special needs kid that he doesn't like him? Schools don't usually suspend children for 3 days for saying "I don't like you"...
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Old Today, 02:51 PM
 
2,547 posts, read 939,576 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Toriee View Post
My 13 year old son lives with his dad who has primary custody and I get him every other weekend. His dad has remarried and has been with his wife for 5 years. I found out my son has been bullying a special needs kid at school with a speech impediment. He got in school suspension for 3 days and when he came home from school, his stepmother spanked him. It was with her hand and there's no bruising but he told me it hurt a lot and I'm ****ing pissed. She also made him write an apology letter to the student and grounded him for 2 weeks with no electronics. His father works long hours so his stepmom feels entitled because she's a stay at home wife and she's with him more but it's not okay.

I'm very upset at what my son did and he absolutely deserved to be punished but this woman had no right to touch my kid. His father supports what she did and gave her permission and I'm ready to raise hell. I need her to learn her place as a stepparent NOT a parent.

OK I have to say it like I see it.


Please take a step back here and breathe. I think your reaction to this comes from spite. The the courts ruled and you are seething inside about it. No matter how unfair you think it was, defer to your better nature for your son's sake.


The punishment was appropriate and harsh enough to do some good (although spanking is frowned upon these days). Perhaps this is not the first time the boy bullied. Just maybe this harsher punishment came after some slaps on the wrist.



Your son has one absent mother and the other is with him every day and night. If she did not take an interest what kind of crap could the kid be getting into without any consequences.?


Your son must learn to respect her, even love her. Do not speaking poorly about her to your son. His bad behaviour could well be a method to express his anger over your breakup and to hurt his stepmother because she is "not my Mom". Allow him the freedom to love his stepmom without fearing how you will react or feeling guilty that he is hurting you.
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Old Today, 02:57 PM
 
1,068 posts, read 716,336 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by john620 View Post
It wonít be tolerated by threats or actual use of violence by the step mother. That is not a good message to send. She is supposed to be the adult.
Spanking isnít violence
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Old Today, 03:11 PM
 
7,117 posts, read 3,941,529 times
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I would file a report with child protective services. Depending on the state, they may pull him immediately and place him in your care.

In my case, if my ex or his wife spanked our son, they would be looking at jail time. Spanking is considered child abuse in many jurisdictions.
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Old Today, 03:16 PM
 
11,633 posts, read 9,503,079 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LowonLuck View Post
I would file a report with child protective services. Depending on the state, they may pull him immediately and place him in your care.

In my case, if my ex or his wife spanked our son, they would be looking at jail time. Spanking is considered child abuse in many jurisdictions.
This is CRAP advice. a) Spanking is not illegal. b) this person is the full time custodian of this child. c) not to be mean, but there must be some reason that Mom is NOT 50% custodian of this child.

You have a wacky sense that the world works the way you think it should. It doesn't. You can't make some face jail time just as this poster would have to power to get CPS involved overa spanking, no matter how ill advised spanking a 13 year old is.
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Old Today, 03:21 PM
 
Location: Scottsdale, AZ <-> Silicon Valley, CA
6,182 posts, read 3,824,627 times
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The son has been living with his father and stepmother for five years now. Is the first time there's a dispute about appropriate punishment? An agreement between the parties about parenting practices hasn't been hammered out before now? Why not?
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Old Today, 03:23 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,633 posts, read 16,506,479 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CortezC View Post
OP. She is the parent, you are not. Don't like it? Sue for full time custody.
Great points.

Quote:
Originally Posted by john620 View Post
The step mom addressed an issue with violence. Of course the mother should undermine the step mother in every aspect. If a step parent puts his or her hands on a 13 year old not in self defense that is a crime. Bullying can mean a lot of things. Firstly we donít even know if it occurred as it can be he said she said. Secondly, we have a god given right to express ourselves with speech and tell people we donít like them. Is that what he allegedly did? Schools officials often will take one word over another with no evidence and make rush judgements. Whatever the case ask the step mom if she would like to be spanked because she ďbulliedĒ a co-worker. Violence is not discipline.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NYCresident2014 View Post
Are you inferring from the OP that all the boy did was tell a special needs kid that he doesn't like him? Schools don't usually suspend children for 3 days for saying "I don't like you"...
I taught special education for over 40 years. In the schools where I was a teacher the type of behavior that would result in a three day suspension would need to be quite severe or very serious and ongoing. A few actual examples were when a child threatened to kill another child and stabbed him with a pencil and several situations which involved violence towards a teacher or staff member (such as cutting a teacher with a broken piece of glass or striking a teacher in the face). I mostly taught in schools with over 400 students and sometimes months would go by without even one student being suspended for three days.


OP, please find out exactly what happened that resulted in your child being suspended for three days. I suspect that it was quite serious. Worry about that first.
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Old Today, 03:36 PM
 
7,287 posts, read 12,899,196 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by john620 View Post
The step mom addressed an issue with violence. Of course the mother should undermine the step mother in every aspect. If a step parent puts his or her hands on a 13 year old not in self defense that is a crime. Bullying can mean a lot of things. Firstly we donít even know if it occurred as it can be he said she said. Secondly, we have a god given right to express ourselves with speech and tell people we donít like them. Is that what he allegedly did? Schools officials often will take one word over another with no evidence and make rush judgements. Whatever the case ask the step mom if she would like to be spanked because she ďbulliedĒ a co-worker. Violence is not discipline.

You seem to be focusing on all the wrong things here.



Bullying is more than just saying "I don't like you. " Why are you referring this as "alleged" situation when even the mother is not even focusing on the validity of it. In fact she acknowledged he should be punished for it. If the son didn't do it, he would've mention that in the conversation with his mom when he was talking about the step-mom's discipline tactic.


You remind me of a poster who really ran with the whole spanking is a "crime" aspect in another thread and derailed that thread. You're not going to get everyone to agree on that issue. The legality and whether Corporal punishment is the right method is a whole other discussion.



The OP doesn't indicate she is against corporal punishment, just that she doesn't want the step-mother to do it-- which isn't her decision to make, but the Father's. The Father supports it. The OP doesn't get to dictate what happens in her Ex's home. She doesn't get to define what role the step-mom will fulfill. The step-parent IS a parental unit whether the OP likes it or not. If the OP is truly concerned for her son's welfare, then she either should relay her concerns to her husband in a non--hell-raising way or go for more custody.
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Old Today, 03:36 PM
 
Location: Bay Area, CA
28,842 posts, read 44,198,522 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CortezC View Post
OP. She is the parent, you are not. Don't like it? Sue for full time custody.
No, she is still the parent. They have shared custody (even if one has the kid more often), and therefore should be CO-parenting and discussing matters like this together. One parent having primary custody and a new spouse doesn't eliminate the rights or status of the other biological parent, at least not in cases like this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kitty61 View Post
Please take a step back here and breathe. I think your reaction to this comes from spite. The the courts ruled and you are seething inside about it. No matter how unfair you think it was, defer to your better nature for your son's sake.
How do you know she's mad, and/or that the courts ruled against her wishes? Did it ever occur to you that SHE wanted that arrangement? Believe it or not, some mothers choose to allow the father to have primary custody; nothing wrong with that, if they feel it's what is best for the child. Unless I missed something, I see no indication of OP being mad about this agreement.

Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
c) not to be mean, but there must be some reason that Mom is NOT 50% custodian of this child.
It's not mean, but like the other poster I quoted above, it's awfully presumptuous of you - not to mention sexist, as I never hear people say this crap when a mother gets primary custody. She didn't lose all parental rights (in which case your comment might be justifiable), she just isn't the PRIMARY custodian... every custody case pretty much has to assign one as primary, even if the kid is almost with them equally. She said he's with her on weekends, so that's basically the same as a shared custody agreement.

What makes you think "there must be some reason" for this? Just because you're not used to the father being the primary? You have no idea what their story is, and there could be a very logical reason with no fault on mom. I know families where dad has/had primary custody, usually for simple reasons like his house is closer to their school; or perhaps he has a more stable financial situation, plus the stay-at-home wife who can be there when the kid gets home.

At any rate, I would be pretty mad if this happened to my child! But it is a good reminder for them to sit down and talk, to discuss what ALL three of them are okay with in terms of discipline. Co-parenting isn't easy, especially with a step-parent involved, and having these talks could avoid conflict in the future. Not much can be done about it now, but that's what I would recommend going forward. Boy, this sure makes me grateful that my step-mother didn't come along until I was grown!

Last edited by gizmo980; Today at 03:50 PM..
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