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Old 02-19-2019, 02:04 PM
 
11 posts, read 2,755 times
Reputation: 13

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Hi Clara C, my baby wasn't living with my ex in unsatisfactory condition. He lived with me since he was born in the house I bought myself! What i said was that he had full access to his dad like days out and years ago he would have spent some Saturday night with his dad. At that stage his dad stopped drinking ! His dad spoilt him with major purchases , treating him like a buddy and not acting like a parent. I do think a child should have full relationship with both parents but we at home here have been raising him with values. Whatever he didn't like , when he went to his dad or talked to him , it was more like you don;t have to listen to them. I have opposed many times that they spend time shopping for expensive clothes, for example, so his dad solution was to hide the purchases from me and then later to tell me. I believed in spending money on education . I also kept my ex in loop with everything trying to keep an unite front to act as one when issues have arisen, like school, etc but his dad attitude was more or less nothing i can do!
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Old 02-19-2019, 02:22 PM
 
11 posts, read 2,755 times
Reputation: 13
Thanks jghorton, I agree with what you say that I need to fix myself and gain control over my life, I agree that I lost that in the last few years, I walked on eggshells around him!
Thanks coschristi, I agree with you in the sense that he needs to have respect for me and what I done for him, not looking here for a praise, all mothers would have tried to do the same as me to provide and care for him and give him the best, so I did do what is expected but he has no respect for me. My partner thinks the same, he cannot tolerate how my son speaks to me, and exactly how is going to adapt to the world , will he try to inflict that on another woman in time to come! I have to step out of this madness to regain my control.
Thanks blueherons, I agree . I found hard to stomach that after being called by Police, he had no remorse !! that is what killed me ! Like he didn't come with head down and feeling bad, but had still an attitude that the Policeman was baddd! No son, the Policeman was right! To the point that an hour later, I caught him smoking again , that totally killed me! There are plenty of teenagers cheeky but if they get caught they feel remorse and bad about what happened! He was not! But here I feel the guys he started to hang out a while back are the type who would led him to believe it is ok , nothing will happen to you! The thing is from these type of scenarios, you can end up with a file in your name and this will be seen in job applications and ruin his life! We both me and partner explained this to him previously being caught !
Thanks, I know in my head that this is all I can do at the moment, my thoughts were going wild in relation to his final exams this June but his behaviour was going nowhere towards studying only lieing in my face that he had studied while I was in work, how come I don't trust him, blahhh, more lies!! To that I used to reply son i don't go by words I go by facts and your school reports are all bad , your teachers all say the same thing. He tried for couple of years to blame his teachers like he is bad, she is bad, he is a rat, you get the drift!! To that I always replied they are your teachers, they are the professionals and you need to listen to their authority! End of story! I have exhausted any venue with him. As the saying goes you can bring a horse to the water but you cannot force him drink!
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Old 02-19-2019, 06:22 PM
 
Location: Log "cabin" west of Bangor
5,629 posts, read 6,608,795 times
Reputation: 10098
Quote:
Originally Posted by Orangefruit View Post
My son leaves the house, later i text my ex and he tells me then my son is sleeping in his house! My ex knew all along about these incidents as i was ringing him first to tell him to intervene! But he washed his hands off as usual saying he can't do anything. Anyway , he is a week gone, his exams are in the summer! I am wrecked! I don;t know what to do with him anymore! His smoking pot has brought me to tears, he is paranoid.
Any advices ?
Leave him where he is and be glad he's gone. Nothing is going to change him now. Your problem solved itself. Let daddy deal with it now.
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Old 02-19-2019, 10:32 PM
 
3,770 posts, read 3,520,657 times
Reputation: 9920
When a child behaves like this, I ask, "What is the other parent like?" It sounds to me as if you are a hardworking individual, but what is his father like? You did state that the father had a drinking problem.

Your son is going to have a hard time of it. School is over for him. It was over a long time ago. He doesn't want to study or work. He wants to use drugs. His father will give him a place to live, and your mother will give him the money to buy drugs with. You have no control any longer.

Be glad that he can live with his father because you don't have to have him around for the 11 year old to see as an example. Pack up all his things and drop them off at his father's. Whatever happens, NEVER let him back into the house! You may never get him out again! Can't you see how much worse it would be if you had a drug abusing, lazy grown man in the house who hits you? Rejoice! He's no longer living with you.

Continue to text him and call him with only positive, encouraging statements. Forget school - he is not interested. Just text and tell him you love him, offer to meet him for coffee or a meal OUTSIDE your home. If there is anything productive that he wants to pursue in the future, encourage him. If it is appropriate, like schooling, offer to help. But the motivation will have to come from him. BTW, you should tell the grandparents who are giving him money that it is only going to buy drugs and sap his incentive to work, and ask them to stop giving him money.

Tell the 11 yr old brother why your older son is no longer allowed into the house. Tell him about the drug use. Tell him about the refusal to study or work. This boy is the son of your current partner, right? Hopefully he will be more like you and your partner. But tell the boy the truth about his brother. Do not let him go visit the older brother - the younger one will eventually smoke pot with him. If the older brother is doing better, bring the younger one with you when you meet in a restaurant for a meal, so that he can see his brother in a safe, controlled environment.

I'm sorry that this has happened to you. Know that no matter how you handled him, he could have turned out this way, because of the father. I know many families in the US who adopted US-born children, did a fantastic job of raising them, only to have them go off the rails in adolescence with bad behavior, and drug and alcohol abuse. These children who were put up for adoption were the children of mentally ill drug addicts, so it was no surprise that they would turn out just like their biological parents, even though they'd been adopted at birth by wonderful parents. It's not their fault. In the same way, no matter how well you raised him, he could have just taken after his father.
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Old 02-20-2019, 02:21 PM
 
11 posts, read 2,755 times
Reputation: 13
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zymer View Post
Leave him where he is and be glad he's gone. Nothing is going to change him now. Your problem solved itself. Let daddy deal with it now.
Thanks for your reply yes this is what i have to do
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Old 02-20-2019, 02:36 PM
 
11 posts, read 2,755 times
Reputation: 13
Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist View Post
When a child behaves like this, I ask, "What is the other parent like?" It sounds to me as if you are a hardworking individual, but what is his father like? You did state that the father had a drinking problem.

Your son is going to have a hard time of it. School is over for him. It was over a long time ago. He doesn't want to study or work. He wants to use drugs. His father will give him a place to live, and your mother will give him the money to buy drugs with. You have no control any longer.

Be glad that he can live with his father because you don't have to have him around for the 11 year old to see as an example. Pack up all his things and drop them off at his father's. Whatever happens, NEVER let him back into the house! You may never get him out again! Can't you see how much worse it would be if you had a drug abusing, lazy grown man in the house who hits you? Rejoice! He's no longer living with you.

Continue to text him and call him with only positive, encouraging statements. Forget school - he is not interested. Just text and tell him you love him, offer to meet him for coffee or a meal OUTSIDE your home. If there is anything productive that he wants to pursue in the future, encourage him. If it is appropriate, like schooling, offer to help. But the motivation will have to come from him. BTW, you should tell the grandparents who are giving him money that it is only going to buy drugs and sap his incentive to work, and ask them to stop giving him money.

Tell the 11 yr old brother why your older son is no longer allowed into the house. Tell him about the drug use. Tell him about the refusal to study or work. This boy is the son of your current partner, right? Hopefully he will be more like you and your partner. But tell the boy the truth about his brother. Do not let him go visit the older brother - the younger one will eventually smoke pot with him. If the older brother is doing better, bring the younger one with you when you meet in a restaurant for a meal, so that he can see his brother in a safe, controlled environment.

I'm sorry that this has happened to you. Know that no matter how you handled him, he could have turned out this way, because of the father. I know many families in the US who adopted US-born children, did a fantastic job of raising them, only to have them go off the rails in adolescence with bad behavior, and drug and alcohol abuse. These children who were put up for adoption were the children of mentally ill drug addicts, so it was no surprise that they would turn out just like their biological parents, even though they'd been adopted at birth by wonderful parents. It's not their fault. In the same way, no matter how well you raised him, he could have just taken after his father.
I totally agree with your reply. I feel that no matter how hard I tried, nothing was improving. I feel it is not fair on my 11 y.o. to see all this. Bad attitude can rub off him in the years to come! Yes he is my son with my partner. It went through my head that some of his behaviour is inherited through his genes from his dad, which made me very sad! He is far too old for this behaviour to be tolerated. At his age I was already in my second year in university yet he displays no attitude towards some hard work. I never forced him to get huge points in exams so he can get into a top university, I was happy if he came out with mediocre/ average points in order to get somewhere. His dad plays his violin that it is me that pushes him hard. I don't , I paid for tools ( grinds ) to help him to achieve something! Also last summer i encourage him and done his CV to get him to get a part time job in a shop, he adamantly refused it saying impending on his social life, i just couldn't force him! He never held at his age a part time job , which i thought it would have been beneficial in understanding how world works. In fact he looks down on his nose at jobs in shops , which is incredible. My mother is well aware now of the drugs use, yet she is still lashing at me, but she sees no wrong , he is her golden boy! she forgets I am the parent and not her! i will have no doubts that if he wakes up from this nightmare and makes amendments and wants to get his exams and pursue a future , I will encourage him and pay for his college by myself as his father never bothered to want to do that! I don't mind that one bit once he shows the will and work to get there! It is a pity that when he knows we will help him with that, he doesn't appreciate and be at least happy he has a family who is willing to pay for it and see him happy, all he has to do is work a bit at it! I know it has to come from him nobody else!
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Old 02-20-2019, 06:37 PM
 
Location: Raleigh NC
5,370 posts, read 4,803,332 times
Reputation: 13563
I think you need to consider the idea that your son has a mood disorder that can be treated/managed. He needs professional psychiatric help.
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Old 02-20-2019, 08:40 PM
 
3,770 posts, read 3,520,657 times
Reputation: 9920
Quote:
Originally Posted by louiloui View Post
18 is too old to start changing his behavior, that should have been addressed as a toddler.Be glad he's out of your house and don't let him back in unless he will except help from a professional.
He can live with his father. Don't let him back in for any reason whatsoever. Imagine having to get him out, when he behaves badly. Too high a risk.
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Old 02-20-2019, 08:42 PM
 
3,770 posts, read 3,520,657 times
Reputation: 9920
Quote:
Originally Posted by Stagemomma View Post
I think you need to consider the idea that your son has a mood disorder that can be treated/managed. He needs professional psychiatric help.
You are probably correct about this, but if the kid just wants to get high, and won't work or go to school, and there are adults who can facilitate his access to drugs and being a leech, there's not much anyone can do for him.
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Old 02-21-2019, 12:04 PM
 
16,165 posts, read 13,936,401 times
Reputation: 36065
Could he have something undiagnosed like fetal alcohol syndrome?
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