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Old 02-21-2019, 07:58 PM
 
15,614 posts, read 17,366,943 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa View Post
Could he have something undiagnosed like fetal alcohol syndrome?
FAS is unlikely - it would have been dxed early on because you have to have

Abnormal facial features

A person with FAS has three distinct facial features:

Smooth ridge between the nose and upper lip (smooth philtrum)
Thin upper lip
Short distance between the inner and outer corners of the eyes, giving the eyes a wide-spaced appearance.
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Old 02-22-2019, 05:01 AM
 
12,553 posts, read 9,594,673 times
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The best course of action may be for OP to request that the son be forced into a psychiatric evaluation (which the police/legal system can do as a result of repeated violent outbursts). Obviously the restraining order is also reasonable to protect OP and the younger son both physically and psychologically.

For those that don't know, many major mental illnesses, including schizophrenia, usually have their onset in the teens or early 20's. He's right in the middle of that age range and needs to be evaluated.
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Old 02-22-2019, 10:35 AM
Lou
 
237 posts, read 93,201 times
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Now that he is out of the house and not present to influence your younger son, the next issue appears to be your ability to say no. Nothing else matters if you're clinging to the hope that it's all a bad dream, and if you'll just turn to putty if he shows up with a tearful apology or some tale of being in peril. You have to be willing to let him suffer the consequences of his actions. If he's ever going to be welcome in your home or near his brother again, he'll need to have transformed into an accountable, non-toxic adult. As you said, that transformation will take quite some time.

When I was his age, military service was seen as a good place for troubled young men to straighten themselves out. It doesn't sound like he'd be open to that, and the drug use might disqualify him anyway.
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Old 02-22-2019, 12:50 PM
 
Location: Atlanta, GA (Sandy Springs)
4,268 posts, read 2,560,117 times
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Like others have said, it sounds to me like you were afraid to confront these problems years ago and let them linger hoping they would just resolve themselves.

Now that he is 18, they are going to be harder to address.

He will probably just need to mature and figure a lot of it out on his own from this point.
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Old 02-22-2019, 02:55 PM
 
11 posts, read 2,755 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Stagemomma View Post
I think you need to consider the idea that your son has a mood disorder that can be treated/managed. He needs professional psychiatric help.
Thank you for your reply. Yes I have thought of that too! I tried to tell him I will get him professional help, i can't described his reaction to that, he verbally abused me telling me I am condesendant and arrogant ! I said it in the most calm soothing tone by the way! I did say I can see signs of paranoia in him. As in if I looked at him normal , he would snap and say I am smirking and make fun of him. Total paranoia! But reading on side effects on smoking weed, most of sites state paranoia as a side effect! So my issue is that he shouldn't smoke full stop. And he is obviously taller and stronger than me and can't drag him to any professionals. I did talk at that stage often to his dad to find somebody he might listen to and mention that to him, but his dad as usual closed my mouth by saying : can't be done unless my son wants it himself ! But didn't even want to bring a third person in equation ( like his dad is big into AA and goes himself , so I thought maybe bring him there and get somebody to talk to him about effects of any substance taking!). His dad has friends in AA, he is quite the popular person, so I thought have somebody that might talk to him as he won't listen to me. Sometimes young guy might find it easier to talk to a third person. I kept him in the loop all the time ! To me he seems lost in his head and needs some wake up call!
May I add too, that even so he has snapped at me so many times, but when he wanted cash , he was extremly sweet and calm and finding nice ways to substract it off me , and many times i fell for it thinking oh he is realizing he wasn't being nice to me cause look now he is talking nice and sweet! To come to the conclusion he was manipulating me ! I twisted these scenarios so many times in my head trying to find out what is going on? does he needs psychiatric help or he just manipulates ? Sad to think like that about your own flesh and blood!
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Old 02-22-2019, 03:47 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa View Post
Could he have something undiagnosed like fetal alcohol syndrome?
I never thought of that to be honest. But he doesn't drink alcohol , yes he did try it but from what i can see he doesn't have a taste for it. Usually by his age if he had to drink he would have had this problem already. We were told at talks in his school that kids nowadays rather smoke weed than drink alcohol , that is the trend. But nowadays, the weed sold out there is way stronger than what it used to be 20 years ago.
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Old 02-22-2019, 03:59 PM
 
4,825 posts, read 2,044,407 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Orangefruit View Post
I never thought of that to be honest. But he doesn't drink alcohol , yes he did try it but from what i can see he doesn't have a taste for it. Usually by his age if he had to drink he would have had this problem already. We were told at talks in his school that kids nowadays rather smoke weed than drink alcohol , that is the trend. But nowadays, the weed sold out there is way stronger than what it used to be 20 years ago.
Ummmm FETAL alcohol syndrome means YOU would have been drinking while pregnant

Anyway, the damage is done. Don't let him back in. Ever. You've allowed this crap long enough. Such a shame having a younger one afraid of him didn't motivate you sooner.
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Old 02-22-2019, 04:10 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nana053 View Post
FAS is unlikely - it would have been dxed early on because you have to have

Abnormal facial features

A person with FAS has three distinct facial features:

Smooth ridge between the nose and upper lip (smooth philtrum)
Thin upper lip
Short distance between the inner and outer corners of the eyes, giving the eyes a wide-spaced appearance.
I think you are right! He has handsome features, he used to look very handsome few years back, when was into sports then. So yes no strange facial features quite the opposite and he is tall and proportionate built. He has everything going for him, he was quite responsible when young, the type he would come home and get straight into his homework by himself, always praised from his teachers that he does well. That is the old him! So I never worried about him then, I was quite assured ( how wrong I was!!) that he would do well in his high school as he was responsible and i didn't have to nudge him to do his work! The only thing that worried me at the time was that he was shy, he didn't make friends easy, that was at the start of his high school too. I put it down then to his personality. At the afterschool activities he was good football, tennis, basketball, etc. The only point where I seen him falling , was when he met his current group of friends, So he went from introvert boy to finally making friends in highschool, I liked the boys, i talked to their parents,going to parties, I finally thought he was on the right track! And I relaxed! Boy, how wrong I was! Then suddenly, i copped on he changed his whole circle of friends, and start hanging out with boys who were not in his school. I worried then , my sixth sense told me these were not nice guys, they were trouble. Then people told me I can't force him drop them out, so i didn't but he got the vibe I didn't like them so he threw that in my face, still I kept myself from not voicing why I didn't like them. From there onward has been a free flow downwards with him! I voiced to his dad many times about these boys, but his dad kept saying to me I am wrong , how do I know they are not nice , blahhh, he saw one of them and thought respectable but sure facts are louder than looks, he changed his vocabulary after that, his manners etc so a mother knows things are not great, he is learning to fit with the new crowd, he is led. i told my son too don't be a sheep, of course that didn't go well either. Couldn't say boo to him!
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Old 02-22-2019, 04:55 PM
 
11 posts, read 2,755 times
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thanks so much for your replies! I do torment in my head with all the past.
From what i can see my youngest always being an extrovert, he made friends easy, He handles relationships easy with kids his age, he keeps this friendships easy, doesn't snap if something doesn't go his way with these boys, he handles stuff by himself, yet he does need more of a nudge to focus with his homework and he is not sporty at all. Yet my eldest was the opposite , he was introvert, found it hard to make friendships in primary school, he was good at homework, tests, concentration, sport : other dads would praise him as he was better than their sons, etc . Again carried that going to high school, he admitted to me he found hard to talk to his peers, we chatted about that ( but others told me their boys were same introverts) , then bulb lit up when he started to make friends in his year so i was so happy for him, thought he was turning a corner and was encouraging him to built these friendships, met these guys in my house, he was at their house, them in my house, met or spoke to their parents and he was visibly happy, acting silly but his age, getting dressed up for these parties, I dropped him to most of them, etc I probably went wrong by relaxing about it. Then one day whatever he said I copped on he had changed his circle of friends, I mean all of them! He stopped hanging out with all and he hang out with total different ones! I did work long hours then but he had his dad around and my partner here. Believe me I did approach him to ask him why did you stop hanging out with previous boys! He was evasive like they were not as good as i thought. Well i imagine they were not perfect but sure who changes suddenly all their friends? ( they must have been 5 or 6 in the group) . To me i saw them acting like friends like calling up to him, him calling up to them, etc. With new crowd, i didn't like them at all, still tried not to say it as such but he copped on, he got the vibe I wasn't keen on them, then caught him smoking! He promised he would stop! But step by step his whole personality changed : his speech ( i pulled him on that and backfired on me!), his cloathes he favoured went down, his school, his manners, etc. This happened after meeting them ! Also noticed that he would always call down to them, or wait for phonecall from them to jump out of house, they didn't call down to his door, it was always him who chased to fit with them ( I can be wrong but this is what seems to me) then my partner was driving one day he saw him on street with these two lads and they looked like hooligans the way they walked and all, my alarm bells were gone max but nothing that I said nothing that i explained went through him! His dad even so he didn't know these guys , went against my opinions like how do I know that they are not nice, why do i label them! Well cause facts speak loud! So it seems to me like he never learned to handle relationships while young, he was novice at friendships, he didn't have the experience, and many still don't, but then he found this crowd and thought he can be cool and a sheep to what they do. Couple of these blokes as I checked them on FB ( even so my son is very secretive with their names even , he wasn't with the previous ones) , they seem to have thousands of friends on FB and in none of their pics my son shows up!The previous ones had lovely pics them and my son.
Anyway, so far I tried my best even so maybe my best was not good enough, and thought this new crowd was just a phase.
He doesn't have Fetal alchol syndrome as I didn't drink on any my pregnancies and he is a good looking chap with beautiful face !
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Old Today, 06:08 PM
 
Location: Forest Service Cabin-75% of the yr
112 posts, read 19,806 times
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Wow. So sorry this is happening ((hugs))

This sounds like the spitting image.... of a child developing schizophrenia.

The paranoia is way over the top for just smoking weed daily, which is schizophrenics go to drug

But it is the worst drug for them

If I could bet, in 5-6 years, yes it takes a while, this lady is going to be seeing her child talking to himself.

No one is such a responsible kid then goes to this extreme without it being something VERY VERY serious.

please do not worry about his standing in life, getting a job, or whatever. Give up your expectations

All you want is a loving relationship with him.

When he is at your home, and cannot see you but is out of view, watch his mouth

I am 90% sure that eventually, when you are not seeing it, the voices will start.

At this stage, consider him dangerous.

Always remain kind to him, he is unable to work, and is giving excuses because he is mentally ill.

Start attending NAMI meetings in your area

They have a 3 month Friends and Family class you can attend, it really helps.

You need to lay off of him, stress for him now is like tossing gas on a fire.

Ignore the pot smoking, even if it's at your house

He is over-medicating as something is taking him over

No one dopes at their mothers house

Knowing she cannot stand it

He is really far gone

Just lay off him. No expectations. Heal yourself.

You are allowing him to heal by laying off him

You could loose him for good, mentally

Stress is what schizophrenia needs to progress

He needs a psych evaluation.

You need to attend a good bible based church

I am unsure why you don't love this "partner" which I guess that's all he is

You mated with so he's good enough to be your child's father

And to play house but not good enough to be your husband.

So that's not good.... but it is small beans compared to everything else.

please do not push the psych evaluation, just be aware.

Wait for the ball to drop, get prepared in how to communicate with your son

You will kill him, drive him insane, if you do not.

So sorry you are enduring this, you do not deserve this.

I'll be praying for you all
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