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Old 02-18-2019, 04:04 PM
11 posts, read 2,755 times
Reputation: 13


Hi all,

I came across this site . I badly need some advice .
My 18 y.o. ( will 19 y.o. in June) has been out of control for over 2 years getting worse by the day. I am separated from his alcholic / gambler/ debts dad since he was 1 y.o. I am with my partner since he was 3 y.o. I do have another younger son at home with my partner who is now almost 11 y.o.
My son has been getting worse day by day start getting bad about 3 years ago. He was shy I should say when he was small. I gave up my full time job and went part time when he was 7 y.o. I had help from my partner then living with us so was able to do this and hiring a childminder. After few years when he was over 12 y.o. I went back full time to work. He was still supervised home after school as my partner was working part time from home, also minding our youngest. He started high school after and thought things were going well. He start making friends at one stage and I met the parents and the kids , I was delighted for him, let him go to parties, driving him to places, had activities, played tennis in a club, football etc. I probably relaxed as in he was getting on with life. After junior cert (exams over here) I start noticing he was mentioning other places he was going so and after asking him questions i realized he was not in the same circle of friends ( previous ones were all in his school year) but he was hanging out with different group all together none in his school People told me well they do that they change friends but i felt strange that he dropped all his other friends. I start getting worried. He was very moody , but then i thought he was a teenager so goes with theritory. Later that year , he was brought up by police to the house at 7 p.m. he was with this group in a place shouldn't have been private car park and had a tool in his bag , police only had a talk to him, but he felt brazen above law I didn't like that . My partner didn't interfer too much as my fault I told him he has a dad and he should put him in his place. His dad washed his hands quickly off. Long story really! I start catching him out in our house smoking pot in his room next door to his little brother , of course I went in and gave out calmly and explained. I was at that stage really stressed out in work, due to bullying in my team but that is another story! I kept my eyes on him constantly. Catching him so many times smoking pot in our house! School is at me for 2 years due to his lack of involvement in his work and class. His teachers reports were bad, Year head constantly ringing me and keeping an eye on him. He was not smart ar** in class but literally doing nothing , skipping classes, missing days! ringing me in my way to work that his stomach is sick and not going to school, I did let him thinking he is sick! My partner giving out to me that my son is lieing. I brought him to doctor, run tests, stomach was good, Doctor giving out to me his diet is bad! We have a great diet at home but he refuses to eat half of his dinners, eating rubbish in his bedroom. Lies and more lies about everything i talk to him! Then around 2 years ago he start being abusing to me his mom, literally physically, I have felt afraid in numerous ocassions , he was doing this while my partner might be downstairs or out of house, some of these incidents in front of my youngest and his friends, one child admit to me he was afraid. I try to walk away from him he would follow me with full of verbal abuse! He has thrown chairs at me for just asking how he is getting on in school! He has put holes in his bedroom walls, he has cracked the wall above his door,etc. I was afraid to ask him anything! He walks out of house and get into the house without addressing to anyone. Doesn't lift a finger, doesn't wash his plate, does absolutely nothing in the house, always looking for money, I would hand him money if he done chores like hoover the house, then he would look for more money for haircuts, phone etc i gave it to him. He gets lots of cash from his granny who lives far and she is his biggest fan! He would get cash from his bio dad too. Anyway we have lived in a horrible atmosphere for at least 2 years all my thoughts was he will grow out of this, let's get him finish school. He doesn't study for exams, i spend money on grinds, etc. He didn't show up to some prep exams at school. Well last blow came when a week ago: he was Saturday in the house late to eat his dinner then left the house without telling us where he is going , didn't come the whole night, I had grinds organised for Sunday morning at my house, didn't show u[, I cancel them, making an idiot of myself. May I say he doesn't answer his mobile when i ring him. So Sunday I stopped him him in the kitchen asking him for answers to his behaviour while he is cooking chicken for himself, he totally ignores me, so i try to stop him walking by me, he starts the usual to lift his arm at me, my partner intervenes and he is trying to do same at him, Scandal explodes, my partner runs after him shouting ( he had enough of this behaviour and finds unacceptable me being attacked by my son!) My son leaves the house, later i text my ex and he tells me then my son is sleeping in his house! My ex knew all along about these incidents as i was ringing him first to tell him to intervene! But he washed his hands off as usual saying he can't do anything. Anyway , he is a week gone, his exams are in the summer! I am wrecked! I don;t know what to do with him anymore! His smoking pot has brought me to tears, he is paranoid.
Any advices ?
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Old 02-18-2019, 04:40 PM
Location: Boston
6,216 posts, read 1,835,104 times
Reputation: 4534
forget his exams, at his age (19) if he wants to live in YOUR house, he abides by your rules. The alternative is find another place to live. Sit with him, explain to him how this works, then act accordingly. Not easy having kids who think there's adults but act like kids.
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Old 02-18-2019, 04:44 PM
Location: Florida -
8,634 posts, read 10,446,262 times
Reputation: 16233
This situation didn't suddenly arrive at 18-19, but has been developing over several years. The time to establish clear standards and make dramatic changes ... was 5-10-years ago! -- but, that's water-under-the-bridge now.

Sadly, if you continue down the same path with your 11-year old, there is no reason to expect any other behavior from him (particularly since he has already witnessed this deplorable, yet unimpeded behavior, from your older son). This is the old insanity definition: "Doing the same thing, the same way, yet, expecting different results"

You may not be able to change your older son (near-term), but, it is long past time to clearly tell him he can no longer live in your home unless he immediately and on an ongoing basis, abides by your rules (respect, civility, accountability and contribution to the household).

I would even have his things packed and waiting outside the front door before having this discussion. Also, involve your younger son and partner ... and finally, stick to your guns! (Even if he agrees, tell him not to unpack his things, until you see sustained evidence of improvement). Additionally, if he gives any indication of further verbal or physical abuse, contact the police!

This is called tough love - At least he has a place to stay - with his 'father' - who, in spite of his past attitude, will quickly arrive at the same conclusion, and likely give him the same ultimatum.

Honestly, given the circumstances and behavior you describe, you don't have a lot of alternatives ... if you are to salvage your younger son. Perhaps, when your older son must begin taking some responsibility for his own life, he will wake-up and begin to grow-up. Remember, you are the parent and adult here -- Time to start acting like it!

Last edited by jghorton; 02-18-2019 at 05:00 PM..
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Old 02-19-2019, 05:25 AM
11 posts, read 2,755 times
Reputation: 13
Thank you both for your reply!
jghorton : you are absolutely right in saying this situation didn't arise at 18-19 and it has developed for years! My son has two devils on his shoulder telling him to do what he likes against us! One is my own mother !! you heard right! My parents lives in another country, my mom was involved years ago with my son having him in summer holidays, ringing him , etc. I always wished a family for him so I encouraged full access to them. My mother is a narcissist ( took me years to find out ) she poisons him against us , she is an unhappy person. What she does best she buys his affection with cash and expensive designers clothes, undermined my authority in front of him lots of times! My dad has stated in the past that my son is arrogant , but he enabled all , stayed out as nobody can sit in my mom's way her sheer force of verbal abuse. The other devil on his shoulder has been my ex, his dad, who also acted like his friend to him, also more or less told him not to listen to us about dinner times, about everything and also used to also buy him with cash and designer clothes.
This is exactly what worried me the most is the impact on my youngest. When my eldest was young, 1 year old, I removed him from unsatisfactory environment which was with my ex, he also used to get violent after drinking, he is extremly manipulating!
My partner thinks they are welcome to each other all of them! My mother is still stalking me with calls and texts abusive to me and my partner telling me I am a bad mom! At one stage she sided with my ex too! All we ever done and tried is to have a normal life, encourage the kids to do their homework, learn, clean after themselves, be kind to other people, be polite, etc.
I do know I have been far to easy on all of them and tried to be the dutiful daughter to my aging parents and not rile my mother by putting up with her behaviour, thinking my son is clever and will see through her despite all her bribe. But no ! I haven;t contacted him since he is gone, I can't bare to look at him and know he thinks he is owed an apology but he can keep waiting !
My son has a huge chip on his shoulder, looks down on people working in shops. I have tried so hard last summer to make him get a job, he kept lieing to my face but never lifted a finger to try to , his words: it is impending on my social life!
The funny part why he might be unhappy going to his dad is that the guy lives in a share acommodation in one room, so has no fancy room for his son!
I do know I am in the adult here and the one paying all the bills so I am sick to be treated like a doormat!
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Old 02-19-2019, 07:29 AM
103 posts, read 21,221 times
Reputation: 351
OP. The next time he assaults you or your partner, you call the police and file charges. The next time he smokes marijuana, assuming it is illegal to do so and you are not smoking it yourself, call the police. Let him suffer the consequences. Do not bail him out. And you can have him evicted from your house and file a restraining order.
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Old 02-19-2019, 08:46 AM
11 posts, read 2,755 times
Reputation: 13
Thanks CortezC,

Yes where i am marijuana is illegal! and I absolutely hate it, definetly don't smoke it myself. I don't care adults with their own place and job who smoke it . But i don't agree with someone like my son at his age when his brain is not fully developed and who has no skill and smokes it what i can guess daily! The police has caught him already. He was on the street with mates, they were stopped and searched at 7 pm so not late, and they found 3 joints for personal use on him. He lied to them , told them he was 17 but he was already 18, they found out and got annoied and told him he is going to be in court ! If he didn't lie , they would have been more easy on him! We had so many talks on this subject me and him on this subject but you see his dad agrees with his smoking , always twisting me that I can't stop him ! Yes his out of house now, I feel a huge void and don't know who i can help him to see I am trying to guide him on the right path! He full stop refuse to see this! I don't want a 18 y.o. to be out without his home, but he has put me in a horrible situation and don't want him back unless he changes. I am not stupid and can't imagine he will change in a week!
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Old 02-19-2019, 09:01 AM
8,392 posts, read 3,309,866 times
Reputation: 21706
I don't know what to make of your story, Orangefruit.

The first post was fairly straight forward.

Your second post leaves me wondering if the truth lies somewhere in the middle.

Why was your baby living in an "unsatisfactory condition" with your ex, instead of with you?
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Old 02-19-2019, 10:57 AM
Location: Florida -
8,634 posts, read 10,446,262 times
Reputation: 16233
Orangefruit, you can only fix yourself, - not your mother, ex or your son. Whether your son is "without his home or not" is HIS decision, not yours. Since he obviously does not appreciate the home you have provided, he needs the 'opportunity' to discover what providing a home for himself entails ... without being 'enabled.' (It sounds like your mother will step-in and 'help' anyway, but, it's also time to tell her to butt-out!)

By your responses, it's clear you feel hopeless and helpless when it comes to taking control of your own life. Your mother may be domineering, your ex shiftless and your son out-of-control, but, (again) - you can only 'fix' and control yourself, not them.

You obviously need some professional counseling to achieve this. Meanwhile, as long as your son is out of your home, let him drift for a while, and work on yourself (IOW, don't cave-in "for his sake"). Unless you gain some degree of control over your own life, nothing is going to change in your family situation.
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Old 02-19-2019, 11:43 AM
Location: colorado springs, CO
4,476 posts, read 2,042,187 times
Reputation: 15387
You're lucky; he's left on his own accord. You could be typing right now with him in his bedroom throwing stuff around or smoking weed.

Unfortunately, we women do not get the same liberty as men do to make mistakes when we choose our partners & have their sons. There is not a legal system in the world who could legislate it either. If the father is low-quality ... it is done.

If you stay with the low-quality guy; the son grows up giving you the same respect (lack of) that his father has shown for you. If you leave the low-quality guy; the son assumes you were not worthy enough to keep his dad in his life. You cannot win.

It doesn't matter that your current partner backed your son off of you this last incident. The only chance he had of demonstrating how you are to be respected was the very first time your son ever even "squared off" (intimidated) to you. He should have been on him immediately & if he wasn't home at the time he should have not rested until he hunted your son down & delivered the message that he is not to treat his wife in that manner.

That your son sees you as worthy of the respect of men (not boys) is really important because you were a woman before you were his mother. You exist beyond the function of being a catalyst for his life.

"Might makes right" is not the way it should be; it's just the way it is. Especially to boys that never really believed that "Mom makes right".

It sounds like your ex needs to spend some quality time with your son. Your son needs to see his dad for what he is; it's the only thing that might trigger his brain into understanding that you were worthy of so much more. What good would it do your son long-term; to come home & pass his exams if he spends the rest of his life seeing all women the way he sees you right now?

That's not how kids grow up to benefit the community. Parents who raise kids that benefit their community are inadvertently raising kids who are an asset to the family; it's a two-for-one deal.
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Old 02-19-2019, 11:45 AM
Location: Fort Lauderdale, Florida
8,564 posts, read 7,854,593 times
Reputation: 18364
I agree when he raises his hands to you, call the police and have him arrested.

He has already found out there are no consequences for his actions and nothing you are doing is working.

Time to duck out and let the police handle him before it gets worse.
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