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It wasn’t for my needs it was what was best for my daughter as she needs to work on her friendships and I didn’t decrease his time as it wasn’t all the time it was every couple of months and I offered alternate arrangements so don’t just assume ...
"He used to have her 50% of the time until I met my ex partner and we had a lot of family days out as he had a little boy so we obviously took my daughter with us and my ex husband which is my daughters dad is angry over this and will now only have her 2 nights a fortnight"
Is there another positive male influence in her life that she can spend more time with? One that will stick around and be dependable...such as your brother, father or perhaps your ex father-in-law? It could be that she is afraid to get close to anyone for fear she is just going to be abandoned by them. And yes, I get that your ex-boyfriend didn't abandon her but in her eyes he did.
Perhaps this is a situation where she is going to get them before they get her?
At the very least, therapy can help. It certainly can't hurt.
I hope she gets past this, or at least manage it, as I can see Daddy issues in her future. I say this from experience.
Read up on parenting with natural consequences. Read up on boundaries. It's time to stop having arbitrary punishments for her and start parenting her.
I don't care what she does have or what you think she has. She has to live in a world full of people who don't deserve poor treatment and won't tolerate it. Start at home. Right now. You're only part-time already. PERFECT. You have the time to be patient and model self-control and good boundaries.
She doesn't get to hit you. She doesn't get to hit anyone. Your daughter feels she has the right to hurt other people. That's outrageous. From now on you need to prevent her, physically, from doing so. Let go only when she stops thrashing. If she starts again, hold her again. Keep your voice calm. Tell her it's difficult for you to control yourself too, when someone is trying to hurt you. But YOU don't get to hit her either. You DO get to stop her from hurting you and you'll keep preventing her until she decides not to. The same goes for if she tries to be dramatic and hurt herself.
If she makes a mess - ANY mess - she cleans it up herself. This goes for tantrums as well. If she whips herself into a frenzy and tears the blinds, throws her cereal, breaks glass, you are going to show her - once she's tired herself out and screamed her last scream of exhaustion (and maybe she'll need a nap to recover) - how SHE will go about cleaning up what she has done. You will be with her every moment until it's done. It might take days. So what? If you have to replace something or have something fixed, you tell her how much it will cost, tell her that chores will help to compensate you for it, take her with you and if someone asks what happened, tell them to ask her. I promise you that she'll find the tantrum and cleaning the damage wasn't worth it. She'll look at what her bad behavior costs HER. Right now, she's selfish and entitled. Everything must be geared toward showing her that being selfish and entitled isn't good for HER. It's way too early to be trying to get her to think about other people for their sake.
Do NOT expect other people to like her. Don't look for some "friend" who will only become one of her victims. It's ridiculous. Why would being her friend benefit anyone right now? SHE has trained other people to not want to be in her company. TELL HER THAT. SHE DID THAT. If you want to be around people, you need to treat them respectfully. If she starts treating them well, they will want her around.
Tell her father (who likely shortened visitation because of her behavior), tell her teachers, tell anyone with authority (sitters, family, etc.) IN FRONT OF HER what the new strategy is. She needs to know that she will be held accountable for her behavior EVERYWHERE. Make no excuses. If she had a bad night, so what? Other people have "bad nights" and still control themselves... so can she.
You can do this, Mom. It's just barely not too late.
Your daughter is nine. It’s a very tough time as hormones are beginning to rear their heads. . You say she’s bullied. That explains a lot of her behavior. She is acting out when she can at who she can instead of those that make her feel badly. Ask her why she continues to gravitate towards them.
Im not thinking she needs a psych evaluation. She is doing what kids do, pushing limits and boundaries. It’s up to you to set them and stick with them. There is a book that’s out of print but can be found, “Taming the Dragon in Your Child”. Find it. It helped me a lot when my oldest daughter was a kid.
At that age, they respond to all criticism. “Catch” her doing something good and be sure to point it out. Kids will seek attention. Any attention, positive or negative. It’s all attention to them. You have to make her want to seek good attention.
Best of luck to you. The teen years are just around the corner.
Your daughter is nine. It’s a very tough time as hormones are beginning to rear their heads. . You say she’s bullied. That explains a lot of her behavior. She is acting out when she can at who she can instead of those that make her feel badly. Ask her why she continues to gravitate towards them.
Im not thinking she needs a psych evaluation. She is doing what kids do, pushing limits and boundaries. It’s up to you to set them and stick with them. There is a book that’s out of print but can be found, “Taming the Dragon in Your Child”. Find it. It helped me a lot when my oldest daughter was a kid.
At that age, they respond to all criticism. “Catch” her doing something good and be sure to point it out. Kids will seek attention. Any attention, positive or negative. It’s all attention to them. You have to make her want to seek good attention.
Best of luck to you. The teen years are just around the corner.
Listen to Jersey. She is very wise, very experienced. And she's got a LOT of experience raising girls!
I think that's anger and remorse that manifested through some kind of behavior. I remember that I did the same thing as your daughter when I was a kid, that was when my parents chose to divorce.
Do you have access to therapy services, or psychiatric services for her?
Quote:
Originally Posted by JrzDefector
She's had a lot of turmoil in her life. She's been rejected by her dad, who sounds like a complete dick, and now her de facto dad and playmate have disappeared from her life. That's A LOT for a kid. Get her to a therapist - she has a lot of grief and anger she needs to learn to express appropriately.
I "third" this motion. This is too much for you to be able to handle with basic disciplinary measures, and the like. She seems to be going through some grief and anger about family issues, plus she gets bullied at school? She needs a way to express her emotions safely and appropriately, with a therapist, and work through that.
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