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Old 02-28-2019, 05:37 AM
 
3 posts, read 1,499 times
Reputation: 12

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My daughter is 9 years old and I have brought her up to the best of my ability and I try my best with her. At times of course I do shout at her when she is being naughty as I donít really agree with smacking we have always done reading, family activities and days out etc. She has lots of nice things and we have a nice house and her bedroom isn lovely.

Her dad is a very difficult person and thinks I only care about money as I need him to support the daughter I raised. He used to have her 50% of the time until I met my ex partner and we had a lot of family days out as he had a little boy so we obviously took my daughter with us and my ex husband which is my daughters dad is angry over this and will now only have her 2 nights a fortnight :/ Iíve tried to talk to him to extend the time he gets with her but he just gets angry or doesnít answer the phone to me. I split up from my ex partner at the end of 2017 .

She is displaying bad bahavoir by not listening, being very disrespectful and hitting adults and other children. I donít know what to do anymore and Iím trying my best with time outs and taking her things when she is naughty and I am consistent but she constantly pushes boundaries everywhere she goes itís affecting my work life as I can only work part time due to her behaviour as family wonít have her and now she is being excluded from school and also her child minder canít have her on certain days. She plays with children who bully her and bully other people and Iíve told her to stop hanging with them but she continues to do so.

Please somebody I just need some advice

Thank you
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Old 02-28-2019, 06:31 AM
 
8,933 posts, read 3,452,488 times
Reputation: 22390
The thing that sticks out to me, is she's hitting adults. The other stuff - being disrespectful to you, difficulty with peers, etc., is more typical of acting out for her age.

Do you have access to therapy services, or psychiatric services for her?
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Old 02-28-2019, 07:15 AM
 
15,699 posts, read 17,439,097 times
Reputation: 15433
Quote:
Originally Posted by Beccacats91 View Post
My daughter is 9 years old and I have brought her up to the best of my ability and I try my best with her. At times of course I do shout at her when she is being naughty as I donít really agree with smacking we have always done reading, family activities and days out etc. She has lots of nice things and we have a nice house and her bedroom isn lovely.

Her dad is a very difficult person and thinks I only care about money as I need him to support the daughter I raised. He used to have her 50% of the time until I met my ex partner and we had a lot of family days out as he had a little boy so we obviously took my daughter with us and my ex husband which is my daughters dad is angry over this and will now only have her 2 nights a fortnight :/ Iíve tried to talk to him to extend the time he gets with her but he just gets angry or doesnít answer the phone to me. I split up from my ex partner at the end of 2017 .

She is displaying bad bahavoir by not listening, being very disrespectful and hitting adults and other children. I donít know what to do anymore and Iím trying my best with time outs and taking her things when she is naughty and I am consistent but she constantly pushes boundaries everywhere she goes itís affecting my work life as I can only work part time due to her behaviour as family wonít have her and now she is being excluded from school and also her child minder canít have her on certain days. She plays with children who bully her and bully other people and Iíve told her to stop hanging with them but she continues to do so.

Please somebody I just need some advice

Thank you
It sounds like she really needs positive attention when she is doing something she should be doing. She probably misses her dad a lot given that he used to have her more.

For the not listening, make sure that you have her attention. Get down on her level and touch her arm before you speak. You may want to try whispering as that often promotes listening better than speaking loudly or yelling.

What is the school saying about excluding her? Is it because of the hitting? You need to have the school do a functional behavior analysis (school pysch can do that) and get a behavior plan in place. Even if she does not have a disability, they should be able to find a behavior plan that works. Usually rewards work better than punishment.

You cannot just tell a child not to play with any other child. You need to be proactive and find a child that she can play with who is a good role model for her.

For the hitting - prevent it when you can (that means staying close by and stopping the hit before she can do it). You may think you cannot predict, but you actually can in most cases. If she hits another child, first comfort the other child, then talk to her. Role play - you were very angry, so you hit -what can you do instead (use your words, etc.).

Now, you have to make sure that you catch her being good. "I liked how nicely you were playing with your friend." "I like that you are making beautiful art." "I like how you kicked the ball or hit the baseball, etc."

Good luck!

Also read How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

Lots of good ideas and it can change your perspective.
https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids.../dp/0743525086

Free pdf based on the book
https://www.tbcs.org/uploaded/Resour...ill_Listen.pdf
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Old 02-28-2019, 07:22 AM
 
13,402 posts, read 13,089,811 times
Reputation: 38686
She's had a lot of turmoil in her life. She's been rejected by her dad, who sounds like a complete dick, and now her de facto dad and playmate have disappeared from her life. That's A LOT for a kid. Get her to a therapist - she has a lot of grief and anger she needs to learn to express appropriately.
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Old 02-28-2019, 08:09 AM
 
Location: Nantahala National Forest, NC
24,169 posts, read 4,955,559 times
Reputation: 27895
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
The thing that sticks out to me, is she's hitting adults. The other stuff - being disrespectful to you, difficulty with peers, etc., is more typical of acting out for her age.

Do you have access to therapy services, or psychiatric services for her?



She will benefit from a psych evaluation. Once you have a diagnosis, you can obtain treatment for her, if necessary.
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Old 02-28-2019, 09:24 AM
 
3 posts, read 1,499 times
Reputation: 12
Thank you everybody. Everything you said is really helpful.
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Old 02-28-2019, 07:38 PM
 
Location: Ft. Myers
17,256 posts, read 10,630,033 times
Reputation: 37092
Quote:
Originally Posted by Beccacats91 View Post
My daughter is 9 years old and I have brought her up to the best of my ability and I try my best with her. At times of course I do shout at her when she is being naughty as I don’t really agree with smacking we have always done reading, family activities and days out etc. She has lots of nice things and we have a nice house and her bedroom isn lovely.

Her dad is a very difficult person and thinks I only care about money as I need him to support the daughter I raised. He used to have her 50% of the time until I met my ex partner and we had a lot of family days out as he had a little boy so we obviously took my daughter with us and my ex husband which is my daughters dad is angry over this and will now only have her 2 nights a fortnight :/ I’ve tried to talk to him to extend the time he gets with her but he just gets angry or doesn’t answer the phone to me. I split up from my ex partner at the end of 2017 .

She is displaying bad bahavoir by not listening, being very disrespectful and hitting adults and other children. I don’t know what to do anymore and I’m trying my best with time outs and taking her things when she is naughty and I am consistent but she constantly pushes boundaries everywhere she goes it’s affecting my work life as I can only work part time due to her behaviour as family won’t have her and now she is being excluded from school and also her child minder can’t have her on certain days. She plays with children who bully her and bully other people and I’ve told her to stop hanging with them but she continues to do so.

Please somebody I just need some advice

Thank you

I feel for you, it must be tough. I am no child psychologist, but I did raise twin sons who turned out to be great people and who were very little problems growing up. Here are my thoughts on the subject:

1) Thank God I raised sons instead of daughters. Boys, you can kick their little butts a little and they clean up their act. Girls are tougher, it seems. They do not seem to respond to the usual threats or spankings, it moves them further away.

2) Child discipline starts at birth. You have to be stronger and smarter than them because they are going to push your buttons and take things as far as you will let it go. I never spoke TWICE, and they knew it. If I said something, that was final. I did treat them as equals, but only when they earned it.

3) Divorce is hard on kids, and it sounds like she is reacting to some of that trauma. It has to be hard on a child, seeing the foundations of their lives split apart, and confusing them.

I would sit down with her and discuss her behavior as if she were an adult. Ask her to explain WHY she does the things she does. Stress that you love her and only want the best for her. She may not open up at first , but maybe give her some paper and a pen and let her go off and write down how SHE feels and what is going on in her life. She may be very upset and confused right now, and maybe being able to express it on paper will be easier for her.

But you have to reinforce the view that YOU are the boss and, while you will take into consideration her wants and needs, YOU ARE THE ADULT and your decisions will be final.

About 6 years ago, I was dating a lady who has 3 grandkids that she would get occasionally. 2 were great kids, one was a Holy terror. But I was firm with him, and when he would act out, he and I would walk out of a movie theater and I would make him sit, missing the movie, until he agreed to behave. It worked, and he learned I was not going to take his little games.

Good luck, and be strong.
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Old 03-02-2019, 09:20 PM
 
3,850 posts, read 3,561,326 times
Reputation: 10230
She needs a psychological evaluation. The school cannot just exclude her. They need to give her an appropriate education, and if she's having psych issues, exclusion is not the solution. She probably qualifies for an IEP, and plenty of time with the school psychologist. Also outside therapy if you can get it for her.

If I understand your initial posting, she had been spending about 50 percent of her time with her father, but then you got a boyfriend who had a kid, and decided that she should spend much less time with her father, because you wanted her with you and the boyfriend and his son? And now that boyfriend and his child are gone, you would like her to spend more time with her father, but he is not willing to increase his time with her now?

Oh boy. I can understand the father having been angry with you, for having decreased his time with his daughter because of your own needs. And I can understand him being angry now, since you want him to take her more, now that it suits you. Despite that, I cannot understand a father who still wouldn't do the right thing for his child, no matter how the other parent has behaved.
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Old 03-03-2019, 04:32 PM
 
Location: Forest Service Cabin-90% of the yr. Sis & I inherited it and I bought her out.
175 posts, read 42,051 times
Reputation: 307
Quote:
Originally Posted by Beccacats91 View Post
My daughter is 9 years old and I have brought her up to the best of my ability and I try my best with her. At times of course I do shout at her when she is being naughty as I don’t really agree with smacking we have always done reading, family activities and days out etc. She has lots of nice things and we have a nice house and her bedroom isn lovely.

Her dad is a very difficult person and thinks I only care about money as I need him to support the daughter I raised. He used to have her 50% of the time until I met my ex partner and we had a lot of family days out as he had a little boy so we obviously took my daughter with us and my ex husband which is my daughters dad is angry over this and will now only have her 2 nights a fortnight :/ I’ve tried to talk to him to extend the time he gets with her but he just gets angry or doesn’t answer the phone to me. I split up from my ex partner at the end of 2017 .

She is displaying bad bahavoir by not listening, being very disrespectful and hitting adults and other children. I don’t know what to do anymore and I’m trying my best with time outs and taking her things when she is naughty and I am consistent but she constantly pushes boundaries everywhere she goes it’s affecting my work life as I can only work part time due to her behaviour as family won’t have her and now she is being excluded from school and also her child minder can’t have her on certain days. She plays with children who bully her and bully other people and I’ve told her to stop hanging with them but she continues to do so.

Please somebody I just need some advice

Thank you
Sorry you are going through this. Hang in there.
Just curious but what does "partner mean?" Is this your ex boyfriend, then you got back with him? is he the reason for the divorce?
Did your husband dislike him while you were together, and what was the reasons for it?
Just trying to understand the picture here.
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Old 03-18-2019, 01:26 AM
 
3 posts, read 1,499 times
Reputation: 12
Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist View Post
She needs a psychological evaluation. The school cannot just exclude her. They need to give her an appropriate education, and if she's having psych issues, exclusion is not the solution. She probably qualifies for an IEP, and plenty of time with the school psychologist. Also outside therapy if you can get it for her.

If I understand your initial posting, she had been spending about 50 percent of her time with her father, but then you got a boyfriend who had a kid, and decided that she should spend much less time with her father, because you wanted her with you and the boyfriend and his son? And now that boyfriend and his child are gone, you would like her to spend more time with her father, but he is not willing to increase his time with her now?

Oh boy. I can understand the father having been angry with you, for having decreased his time with his daughter because of your own needs. And I can understand him being angry now, since you want him to take her more, now that it suits you. Despite that, I cannot understand a father who still wouldn't do the right thing for his child, no matter how the other parent has behaved.

It wasnít for my needs it was what was best for my daughter as she needs to work on her friendships and I didnít decrease his time as it wasnít all the time it was every couple of months and I offered alternate arrangements so donít just assume ...
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