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Old 02-28-2019, 06:18 PM
 
10,142 posts, read 6,800,658 times
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For the past couple years my daughter (almost 12ish but very young for her age) has had two best friends. When ever she wanted a get together, she invited them both friends (A and Z). In the past several months, my daughter has been struggling with severe depression/anxiety. Because of her struggles, she stopped wanting any company, even though she has great friends who like her no matter what.

A couple weeks ago we found a potential medical reason for her anxiety/depression and have started to treat that, but it will take a minimum of 6 months to get full effect. A couple days later her psych has switched her anxiety medication. There is a HUGE noticeable difference in her affect in the past few days. She seems happy again, flexible, cuddly, engaged, excited about life again. We are so happy, but we don’t know which change is helping. Still, we are overjoyed.

But the issue...today she asked to have a play date...with one specific friend. This is a huge positive. Before, she didn’t even want to have a friend over at all. But today she said she only wanted one of her two best friends to come over. I asked her why and she said the friend she wants to come over is very calm and that is what she can handle right now. It isn’t that she doesn’t love her other BFF. Its just the energy level she can handle now.

So I asked the other kid’s (A) mom if she can come visit this coming weekend, and she was really happy to. I did tell the mom that she only wanted to have one guest. But I’m sure it will get back to her other friend (z).

I’m sad that Z could hear and get her feelings hurt. And pretty worried about how she will hear it. I’m friendly with her parents...but not “friends”.

Should I just run it by Z’s parents? Should a set up a future play date with Z so she doesn’t feel left out? Just leave it be? I dont know! I’m over thinking it.

Thoughts?
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Old 02-28-2019, 06:58 PM
 
8,441 posts, read 3,317,863 times
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Well, I didn't have girl children, but I kind of think you're over thinking it.

It sounds like both friends know she's been through a difficult time and hasn't been socializing? This isn't the case of a mean girl pushing one of the trio aside - this is a girl who's been withdrawn for awhile.

At the very most, I think when the two girls are sitting together you could casually mention the other girl, and how much you enjoy seeing the 3 of them together, and will again, but this time it just seemed preferable to have a quieter event. Girl A will understand, and will be able to communicate that, hopefully if the need arises.
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Old 03-01-2019, 07:34 AM
 
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I'm a girl mom and I get why you are over thinking it. Would it be something that your daughter could tell Z? I think it might come off better if the two girls talk directly.
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Old 03-01-2019, 10:36 AM
 
Location: Florida
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I have a girl and a boy. 12 is a tough age; it's the point where they are needing less supervision in these matters but not none at all yet.

I'd let the first play date happen and then play it by ear. She can use you as the "blame" if need be; if Z finds out and is hurt, your daughter can say, "my mom said I could only invite one friend this time." Or if there's an activity that your daughter and A like while Z doesn't like it so much, she can also say, "Mom said to just invite one person and I know that A likes making jewelry and you don't." It might be that Z doesn't really mind either way; my own daughter is laid back and doesn't tend to let things like that bother her.

I hope it works out well. Pre-teen/teen friend drama is no fun for anyone, mom included!
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Old 03-01-2019, 01:10 PM
 
Location: Texas
3,840 posts, read 3,056,715 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnotherTouchOfWhimsy View Post
I have a girl and a boy. 12 is a tough age; it's the point where they are needing less supervision in these matters but not none at all yet.
Yes, I have two girls and my oldest is almost 12. I know these kinds of issues are coming and I suspect it will be a challenge for me, as a parent, to learn how to start letting her navigate relationships on her own. I'm sure it's a learning experience for both parent and child.

Hope it works out for overtone, HighFlyingBird.
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Old 03-01-2019, 07:13 PM
 
Location: Forest Service Cabin-90% of the yr
118 posts, read 21,488 times
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I don't think your over-thinking it at all

We have two adopted twin boys who are turning 14 soon

Mu suggestion is a movie at the Theatre

Encourage your daughter to call her at the last minute so they aren't talking long until meeting

Sit in between them at the Theatre

Even if you seem rude, just do it.

Act as if you weren't paying attention

Spring for some soda and popcorn or sneak some in.

Take her friend home immediately

Explain why you need your daughter at home to help with something

So they cannot hang out after the movie

It doesn't seem fair to exclude one best friend, in order to choose another friend to hang with.

That could be very hurtful for the one left out, easily taken as if she is no longer a close friend

Under the circumstances of your daughter not being friendly due to issues

It's best to keep them both in contact, equally, at this age.

Your daughter will be able to more handle any feelings that arise...as they naturally go different ways, if they do

Your daughter is lucky to have you

Last edited by FrugalFox; 03-01-2019 at 07:54 PM..
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Old 03-02-2019, 12:12 PM
 
324 posts, read 100,505 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FrugalFox View Post
I don't think your over-thinking it at all

We have two adopted twin boys who are turning 14 soon

Mu suggestion is a movie at the Theatre

Encourage your daughter to call her at the last minute so they aren't talking long until meeting

Sit in between them at the Theatre

Even if you seem rude, just do it.

Act as if you weren't paying attention

Spring for some soda and popcorn or sneak some in.

Take her friend home immediately

Explain why you need your daughter at home to help with something

So they cannot hang out after the movie

It doesn't seem fair to exclude one best friend, in order to choose another friend to hang with.

That could be very hurtful for the one left out, easily taken as if she is no longer a close friend

Under the circumstances of your daughter not being friendly due to issues

It's best to keep them both in contact, equally, at this age.

Your daughter will be able to more handle any feelings that arise...as they naturally go different ways, if they do

Your daughter is lucky to have you
Why even let her invite the friend over if they won't be allowed to interact? You think that's not going to cause conflict, when the girl invites her friend over and then essentially blows her off-- or rather, a parent blows her off?
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Old 03-02-2019, 01:24 PM
 
3,772 posts, read 3,524,117 times
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I think your daughter is very perceptive, to realize that right now, the calm friend is who she needs. But today is the era of texting and snapchat, a much less intrusive form of communication. How about if your daughter texts Z, tells her that she is feeling better, and would like to see her soon? That way she won't be as hurt if she hears that A is coming over.
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Old 03-02-2019, 04:06 PM
 
10,142 posts, read 6,800,658 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist View Post
I think your daughter is very perceptive, to realize that right now, the calm friend is who she needs. But today is the era of texting and snapchat, a much less intrusive form of communication. How about if your daughter texts Z, tells her that she is feeling better, and would like to see her soon? That way she won't be as hurt if she hears that A is coming over.
I think this is how we are going to do it. Good idea!
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Old 03-02-2019, 08:44 PM
 
9,569 posts, read 16,411,403 times
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As someone who has a daughter of a similar age who suffers from the same conditions, I suggest the following:

Ask your daughter what activity she feels up to doing -- do not make the decision for her.

Forcing someone else into the mix will greatly increase her stress and anxiety.

She knows what and who she can handle right now, and what and who she can't.

As noted, your daughter can easily keep in contact with "loud" friend to let her know that she values their friendship, but that she is working through some issues right now.
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