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Old Yesterday, 10:47 AM
 
Location: The analog world
16,698 posts, read 9,403,550 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801 View Post
A friend of mine is in her late 70s. Her oldest son is 55. He got divorced a couple of years ago, and has been living with her for a while to save money.

He just found a home and is closing later this month. My friend cancelled a commitment with an organization to which she belongs the other day so that she could "be there for him" when the home inspection took place. He just seems resigned to the fact that this is the way his mother is.

I was mildly shocked recently to hear of a friend who was complaining about how much work it was filling out her son's college applications. I never even saw one. My daughter did hers on her own (though I provided application fees, of course. )
We absolutely did see our kids’ college applications and were involved in the process because we have/are bankrolling their educations. We did not read their personal essays, but we helped them narrow down their school choices and evaluate the pros and cons of each. Once they were in school, we remained involved but from a distance. I probably talk to my daughter in college at least once a day and my recently-graduated son a couple of times a week, often at their initiation. Sometimes they want to share their latest success, sometimes they need a shoulder to cry on, and sometimes they just want to vent. I am not ashamed to be close to my kids. I love that they still seek out and value my advice! I do not impose my opinions on them. They are young adults and ultimately in charge of their own lives, but it’s still wonderful to hear the phone ring and have the voice on the other end of the line tell me that they miss their dad and me and ask if we could come up for a visit.

Last edited by randomparent; Yesterday at 10:58 AM..
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Old Yesterday, 10:55 AM
 
16,174 posts, read 13,948,411 times
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I asked my dad to look at houses with us...? We'd never purchased a home and needed advice on what to look for and how to evaluate price, condition, etc.

You think that's weird?

It didn't seem so, 25 years ago.
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Old Yesterday, 11:00 AM
 
4,738 posts, read 1,941,648 times
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My daughter, a graduate student, called me back in December.



"You know that self-reliance thing you always harped on? Thank you for doing that." As it turned out, her 25-year-old roommate was needing to buy a new computer. Rather than simply go to the Apple store and buy one, she was on the phone with her parents for two hours as they made the decisions for her. Her parents are creepy fundamentalist types, so they insist on tracking her on her phone to make sure she goes to class. If she turned off location services, they'd stop paying for her phone.


Meanwhile, my 24-year-old daughter earns her own money, pays her own living expenses, books her own airline reservations, etc., etc. Every once in a while, she'll call either my wife or me for advice. But pretty much she's been independent since the day she started college. I just don't understand parents who would want anything else.
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Old Yesterday, 11:11 AM
 
2,024 posts, read 1,241,626 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by annabanana123 View Post
I think there’s a fine line between over-coddling and genuinely being involved because your child asks you to. I know when we were looking at houses I asked my parents to come to give a second opinion. Likewise my mom came on my grad school tours because I asked her to because I value her feedback. So I think some of your statements are a little inaccurate.
I agree. It's a matter of intention, I think.

A parent forcing themselves into a situation like looking at houses because "Well, I just want the best possible house for you, snookums!" is one thing. Going to look at houses because it's a fun outing together and the younger person may want a few tips from someone who already owns a home is another.

There seem to be just as many people who think complete and utter separation from parents is ideal as there are helicopter situations. Why is it so bad to actually enjoy spending time with your family or wanting their input based on experience or different knowledge?

My 21-year-old son still lives at home, but he runs his business, pays his part of the bills, makes decisions about his finances... while still asking for my advice about some things. We even go out and do stuff together sometimes for fun. It's really not that odd.
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Old Yesterday, 11:21 AM
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
53,532 posts, read 52,558,975 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by randomparent View Post
We absolutely did see our kidsí college applications and were involved in the process because we have/are bankrolling their educations. We did not read their personal essays, but we helped them narrow down their school choices and evaluate the pros and cons of each. Once they were in school, we remained involved but from a distance. I probably talk to my daughter in college at least once a day and my recently-graduated son a couple of times a week, often at their initiation. Sometimes they want to share their latest success, sometimes they need a shoulder to cry on, and sometimes they just want to vent. I am not ashamed to be close to my kids. I love that they still seek out and value my advice! I do not impose my opinions on them. They are young adults and ultimately in charge of their own lives, but itís still wonderful to hear the phone ring and have the voice on the other end of the line tell me that they miss their dad and me and ask if we could come up for a visit.
I paid for a large part of my daughter's college, as well, at least her bachelors' degrees. She'll get her Master's this spring and the PhD in two years, but those are on her.

She did all the research on schools and applications on her own, though. Neither her father nor I went to college, so we probably wouldn't have been of much help, although I think I did review her personal essays.

It has nothing to do with being close to your kids. We are very close, especially as for most of her childhood it was just the two of us. It's not as though I kicked her to the curb and said, "you're on your own now". As a person who went to secretarial school (you can look that up if you're too young to know what it was ) and who spent a large part of my career in business writing and technical document preparation, my daughter still asks me to review and edit her papers and presentations, which I am glad to do. No matter how smart you are or how well you write, having someone else read your writing with fresh eyes is beneficial.

As I said earlier, she also was never a kid who needed much hand-holding. When she was nine, she decided to use her birthday money to get her hair cornrowed. This is a straight-haired girl of northern European descent, lol, and there weren't a lot of shops in our immediate neighborhood that advertised that service.

When I got home from work, I told her that I'd help her find a place, but she informed me that she'd taken out the phone book, already called around and found three shops that did cornrows, and picked the one that had the best price. She still needed me to drive her there, of course!
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Old Yesterday, 11:25 AM
 
Location: The analog world
16,698 posts, read 9,403,550 times
Reputation: 22352
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801 View Post
I paid for a large part of my daughter's college, as well, at least her bachelors' degrees. She'll get her Master's this spring and the PhD in two years, but those are on her.

She did all the research on schools and applications on her own, though. Neither her father nor I went to college, so we probably wouldn't have been of much help, although I think I did review her personal essays.

It has nothing to do with being close to your kids. We are very close, especially as for most of her childhood it was just the two of us. It's not as though I kicked her to the curb and said, "you're on your own now". As a person who went to secretarial school (you can look that up if you're too young to know what it was ) and who spent a large part of my career in business writing and technical document preparation, my daughter still asks me to review and edit her papers and presentations, which I am glad to do. No matter how smart you are or how well you write, having someone else read your writing with fresh eyes is beneficial.

As I said earlier, she also was never a kid who needed much hand-holding. When she was nine, she decided to use her birthday money to get her hair cornrowed. This is a straight-haired girl of northern European descent, lol, and there weren't a lot of shops in our immediate neighborhood that advertised that service.

When I got home from work, I told her that I'd help her find a place, but she informed me that she'd taken out the phone book, already called around and found three shops that did cornrows, and picked the one that had the best price. She still needed me to drive her there, of course!
Nope. Not too young to know about secretarial school.
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Old Yesterday, 11:26 AM
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
53,532 posts, read 52,558,975 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Murk View Post
I agree. It's a matter of intention, I think.

A parent forcing themselves into a situation like looking at houses because "Well, I just want the best possible house for you, snookums!" is one thing. Going to look at houses because it's a fun outing together and the younger person may want a few tips from someone who already owns a home is another.

There seem to be just as many people who think complete and utter separation from parents is ideal as there are helicopter situations. Why is it so bad to actually enjoy spending time with your family or wanting their input based on experience or different knowledge?

My 21-year-old son still lives at home, but he runs his business, pays his part of the bills, makes decisions about his finances... while still asking for my advice about some things. We even go out and do stuff together sometimes for fun. It's really not that odd.
No, that's the opposite extreme. Heck, my own mother is 90 years old, and we still get together to go out to lunch and then play Scrabble! I won last time we played...by one point.
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Old Yesterday, 11:27 AM
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
53,532 posts, read 52,558,975 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by randomparent View Post
Nope. Not too young to know about secretarial school.
I didn't want to assume you were as ancient as I am, hehehe.
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Old Yesterday, 11:34 AM
 
Location: The analog world
16,698 posts, read 9,403,550 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801 View Post
I didn't want to assume you were as ancient as I am, hehehe.
Iím in my fifties, so while secretarial school was not really a thing when I graduated from high school and headed to college, I am not so young as to be completely unaware of it.

After reading through these posts, I think we are all in agreement that family closeness is a good thing, but it can definitely be taken to extremes. Would I sleep on the floor of my daughterís dorm room? Absolutely not, but when she calls and says she misses me, of course I make time for her, which I admit sometimes involves a day trip.
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Old Yesterday, 11:51 AM
 
Location: Florida and New England
1,157 posts, read 1,357,058 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa View Post
I asked my dad to look at houses with us...? We'd never purchased a home and needed advice on what to look for and how to evaluate price, condition, etc.

You think that's weird?

It didn't seem so, 25 years ago.
Ditto -- I left home at 18 in the 1980s, but as recently as 2006, I asked my (long retired from architecture) father to look at houses I was evaluating for purchase.

Of course I flew him to Connecticut, put him in a hotel, and took him out to a fancy dinner too. And he noticed things that I would not have necessarily noticed.

Being independent from your parents doesn't mean having minimal relationships with your parents.
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