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Old 03-04-2019, 12:42 PM
Status: "I don't have to agree." (set 2 days ago)
 
Location: Texas
8,118 posts, read 3,047,180 times
Reputation: 17112

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I have a woman friend who's son is in his 20s now. She still follows up with him to see who gave him what for birthday and Christmas. If one of her friends didn't get him something, she stops talking to that person. I am not making this up. My husband and I do make the effort to spend money buying gifts for him twice a year, even when our budget is strained, but I'm getting tired of it. He's an adult and really, he's old enough to either 1) start buying gifts for us, too, if he wants to do gift exchanges at Christmas and birthdays or 2) tell us "please don't get me anything". But he does neither. He's a young adult with a job and soon he'll be earning just as much money or more than we do. It's silly that we have to buy him these gifts, we keep doing it because we know his mom insists on it.
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Old 03-04-2019, 12:50 PM
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
53,543 posts, read 52,573,087 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by randomparent View Post
Iím in my fifties, so while secretarial school was not really a thing when I graduated from high school and headed to college, I am not so young as to be completely unaware of it.

After reading through these posts, I think we are all in agreement that family closeness is a good thing, but it can definitely be taken to extremes. Would I sleep on the floor of my daughterís dorm room? Absolutely not, but when she calls and says she misses me, of course I make time for her, which I admit sometimes involves a day trip.
Of course! My daughter is three hours away. I am retired but work part-time, and a couple of times a year the job requires attendance at a conference in her city, which works out nicely, but I also travel her way for other reasons, and we meet for dinner whenever possible.

Sometimes it's a judgment call. She got a scholarship in her junior year to spend a semester in the Sichuan Province in China. When she first got there, she called and emailed me almost every day saying she was not happy and thought she had to come home. It's tough when your only kid is 8000 miles away and crying. I held my breath and told her to try to stick it out a few more days, another week...and then, when she had been there about a month, I didn't hear from her for a couple of days. When she wrote, she said she was sorry that she hadn't been in touch, but she and some of the other foreign students had been going to a local club and taking salsa dancing lessons, which was very popular there (in China! lol) and that she'd bought a used bicycle to get around Chengdu...and then I knew she'd be OK.
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Old 03-04-2019, 02:00 PM
 
17,320 posts, read 18,801,472 times
Reputation: 25249
Quote:
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla View Post
All of this.

I just recently talked to a mom who said she spends 2 hours every Saturday cleaning her son's room. He's a teenager.

There's no way I would do that.

I wonder what these parents do when their kids start dating and gets romantically rejected. How do they maneuver and micro manage their child's dating life. I guess I don't even want to know.
Lol can you imagine. Mom is sitting in a corner of the room on the daughters wedding night
“No Megan....what no....hmmppp not like that. Oh for Pete’s sake, here move over let mom show you how to do it. If you keep doing it this way he will find someone else just like your father did, the bastard.

No? Too much?



Parents really want the best for their kids which I understand. I had a applicant once who brought his parents to see the place. They were all very rude. The dad expected 4500 sq ft house. I told him good luck.
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Old 03-04-2019, 02:09 PM
 
Location: Florida
4,938 posts, read 3,380,111 times
Reputation: 9661
Quote:
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla View Post
I have a woman friend who's son is in his 20s now. She still follows up with him to see who gave him what for birthday and Christmas. If one of her friends didn't get him something, she stops talking to that person. I am not making this up. My husband and I do make the effort to spend money buying gifts for him twice a year, even when our budget is strained, but I'm getting tired of it. He's an adult and really, he's old enough to either 1) start buying gifts for us, too, if he wants to do gift exchanges at Christmas and birthdays or 2) tell us "please don't get me anything". But he does neither. He's a young adult with a job and soon he'll be earning just as much money or more than we do. It's silly that we have to buy him these gifts, we keep doing it because we know his mom insists on it.
This sounds like a friendship I'd have abandoned long ago...
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Old 03-04-2019, 02:10 PM
 
1,578 posts, read 629,614 times
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When I was growing up, my parents and I had a distant relationship, especially as I got older. They were immigrants and I spoke English, so there was an invisible barrier.

So if I could develop a close relationship with my own children, I'll helicopter parent till the cows come home. And hope that when they reach high school and beyond, they'll still want to hang out with their ol' Mom.
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Old 03-04-2019, 02:18 PM
 
17,320 posts, read 18,801,472 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sas318 View Post
When I was growing up, my parents and I had a distant relationship, especially as I got older. They were immigrants and I spoke English, so there was an invisible barrier.

So if I could develop a close relationship with my own children, I'll helicopter parent till the cows come home. And hope that when they reach high school and beyond, they'll still want to hang out with their ol' Mom.
The only problem is you may be imparting your children from the hard truth of life. What happens when they get fired? Or someone tells them to do something and they are used to mom doting over or doing everything?
As bad a mom as I had being independent at a young age made it so I could take the hard knocks of life and notmgo crying to mom
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Old 03-04-2019, 03:35 PM
 
1,578 posts, read 629,614 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Electrician4you View Post
The only problem is you may be imparting your children from the hard truth of life. What happens when they get fired? Or someone tells them to do something and they are used to mom doting over or doing everything?
As bad a mom as I had being independent at a young age made it so I could take the hard knocks of life and notmgo crying to mom
People can tell them to do whatever they want and they will listen to other people. I'm not jamming my foot into that door. It's their life. But I'm involved in that life and I want to know what's going on. I can drive them to places and observe how they are around other people while there, but I'm not interfering with what they do there or with whom they speak.

How am I imparting my children from the hard truth of life? I'm not going to work with them. When they get fired, it'll suck. Whether they want to talk to me about it is up to them. If they want to talk to their ol' Mom about it, they can cry to me all they want, but the problem STILL EXISTS and while I may make them feel better, it's still THEIR problem. I'm not going to make that problem go away. I'm not going to storm into their boss's office and demand that they re-hire my child.
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Old 03-04-2019, 03:45 PM
 
10,117 posts, read 8,064,901 times
Reputation: 18268
Quote:
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla View Post
I have a woman friend who's son is in his 20s now. She still follows up with him to see who gave him what for birthday and Christmas. If one of her friends didn't get him something, she stops talking to that person. I am not making this up. My husband and I do make the effort to spend money buying gifts for him twice a year, even when our budget is strained, but I'm getting tired of it. He's an adult and really, he's old enough to either 1) start buying gifts for us, too, if he wants to do gift exchanges at Christmas and birthdays or 2) tell us "please don't get me anything". But he does neither. He's a young adult with a job and soon he'll be earning just as much money or more than we do. It's silly that we have to buy him these gifts, we keep doing it because we know his mom insists on it.
Several years ago, a very dear cousin asked me if I had overlooked including a Christmas present for her 30 something son in the package I'd sent to her branch of the family (essentially, her and two siblings plus one sibling's spouse). Told her no, I was very fond of her son, but I had over 50 first cousins twice removed - his relation to me - and had to draw the line somewhere. She got it, said she just hadn't thought of it that way since I did give him gifts during his childhood years.

I give this generation of young cousins gifts for graduations and weddings - not birthdays and Christmas.

Does your friend or her son give birthday and Christmas gifts to YOU and others in your circle of friends in return? It doesn't sound like it. Does he write his own thank-you notes or thank you in person or email or text? If not, perhaps you could make this known to his demanding mother. BTW, if you have grown children or young people to whom you are close in your family, does your friend send them birthday and Christmas presents? I wouldn't think of demanding that my friends provide such presents for my own young relatives. Pretty nervy, seems to me!
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Old 03-04-2019, 04:13 PM
 
17,320 posts, read 18,801,472 times
Reputation: 25249
Quote:
Originally Posted by sas318 View Post
People can tell them to do whatever they want and they will listen to other people. I'm not jamming my foot into that door. It's their life. But I'm involved in that life and I want to know what's going on. I can drive them to places and observe how they are around other people while there, but I'm not interfering with what they do there or with whom they speak.

How am I imparting my children from the hard truth of life? I'm not going to work with them. When they get fired, it'll suck. Whether they want to talk to me about it is up to them. If they want to talk to their ol' Mom about it, they can cry to me all they want, but the problem STILL EXISTS and while I may make them feel better, it's still THEIR problem. I'm not going to make that problem go away. I'm not going to storm into their boss's office and demand that they re-hire my child.

YOU may not but plenty of helicopter parents tend to baby their children to the point where they are insulated ( or a titanic effort to insulate ) from any and all hardships. And when those hardships come up in real life the kid doesn’t have the right mental strength to deal with it. Christ lady I had a kid who was a helper. The first time I got on his ass for doing something unsafe he literally almost cried. Kid had no mechanism to deal with any criticism.


The example I gave. This kid and he was a kid just out of college moving out here for a job . Big shot mom and dad came in with this lion and lioness attitude. They expected a beach house rental to basically be a 4500 sq ft mansion for the rent I was charging, because where they lived this was top dollar rent. Ok maybe where YOU live it is. But that isn’t here. And I was lower than anyone else out there. But they were very upset when I told them I dont do co-signers (especially out of state) and their kid doesn’t have enough credit or time on the job and needs to apply like everyone else. Big poppa thought he could just write me a check and I was gonna roll over and do what he wants. Sorry Charlie doesn’t work that way.
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Old 03-04-2019, 05:13 PM
 
189 posts, read 29,595 times
Reputation: 335
Quote:
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla View Post
I have a woman friend who's son is in his 20s now. She still follows up with him to see who gave him what for birthday and Christmas. If one of her friends didn't get him something, she stops talking to that person. I am not making this up. My husband and I do make the effort to spend money buying gifts for him twice a year, even when our budget is strained, but I'm getting tired of it. He's an adult and really, he's old enough to either 1) start buying gifts for us, too, if he wants to do gift exchanges at Christmas and birthdays or 2) tell us "please don't get me anything". But he does neither. He's a young adult with a job and soon he'll be earning just as much money or more than we do. It's silly that we have to buy him these gifts, we keep doing it because we know his mom insists on it.
I went through this with my mom and sister who kept on me to buy the adult 'kids' in the family birthday and Christmas presents ... I finally just said 'no.' I do send cards, though.


My wife and I can't stand the gift giving/receiving stress.
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