U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 03-04-2019, 08:35 PM
Status: "I don't have to agree." (set 3 days ago)
 
Location: Texas
8,116 posts, read 3,047,180 times
Reputation: 17123

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by Indiana Tony View Post
I went through this with my mom and sister who kept on me to buy the adult 'kids' in the family birthday and Christmas presents ... I finally just said 'no.' I do send cards, though.


My wife and I can't stand the gift giving/receiving stress.
It's been worse for us in years where we went through unemployment, knowing we had to pony up a gift or give cash to an older teen/young adult because the parents expect it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 03-04-2019, 09:56 PM
 
388 posts, read 114,443 times
Reputation: 1179
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa View Post
I asked my dad to look at houses with us...? We'd never purchased a home and needed advice on what to look for and how to evaluate price, condition, etc.

You think that's weird?

It didn't seem so, 25 years ago.
I was raised to be independent, but I was close with my late father and share a close relationship with my mother. Their advice was always appreciated, but when it came to making adult decisions, the choices were always mine to make and to live with regarding any consequences.

In fact, my mother was the one who "found" the house that I purchased several years ago. My parents never went house shopping (they were/are homeowners, though--a story for another day), so she enjoyed perusing Realtor.com from afar. House was over my price point so it wasn't on my radar, but she kept an eye on it. When the price dropped to a price that was within my range, she brought the house to my attention. I went to look at it, liked it, made an offer, arranged for the inspection, and the rest is history. She also helped me to prep, paint, and stage my last house for sale; assisted with the move and with the initial settling in. (I worked on the day of the big move and didn't take any extra time off to settle in like most people do, so her help was much appreciated and needed.) It didn't mean that I couldn't handle my own life and its challenges, but that we enjoy doing things like that together. Where I'm from, it's also what many families do for one another.

She's not only my mother, but once I became an adult, she also became one of my best friends whose advice and company I value greatly. Even my former high school friends still go to her on occasion for tea, sympathy, and advice(she was a teacher in a small town). She's always known when to back off and let her children do their own thing, which I think is the difference between what the O.P. is describing and my own experiences and those of many within my immediate circle of friends, neighbors, and coworkers.

Last edited by Formerly Known As Twenty; 03-04-2019 at 10:24 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-04-2019, 10:13 PM
 
Location: Ft. Myers
17,157 posts, read 10,547,053 times
Reputation: 36962
Quote:
Originally Posted by platon20 View Post
We've all heard of helicopter parents but it seems to be affecting even the "kids" that are not grown ups.

I'm totally shocked at how many 20 and 30 year olds are coddled by parents in our society today. When I turned 18 I couldn't wait to get out on my own and get out from parent's orbit of influence. I loved my parents and had a great childhood but I was ready to move on.

Nowadays it seems different. Obviously rich people have always spoiled their adult kids but even middle class parents on 80k incomes are a lot more clingy these days than they used to be. I'm seeing things like parents going with their kids to grad school tours, getting involved in the details of their job search, grad school search, home search, etc.

It's not just financial, it's just way too much over involvement in general. It never would have occurred to me to take my mom/dad with me to look at med schools, or to have them shop my first house with me. I don't get it.

I wonder if some of these parents are interviewing their kids' boyfriends/girlfriends?

I have never understood parents who are thrilled to see their kids turn 18 and leave home. When we had our sons, we had them for life. They were, and still are, our best friends, even though they are now in their late 40's. We have never "coddled" them, but they always knew we were there for them and they could depend on us for anything, and vice versa. We still talk every day or so, and the calls are initiated both ways.

I guess some families are just closer than others.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-04-2019, 10:17 PM
 
Location: The analog world
16,699 posts, read 9,408,018 times
Reputation: 22359
Quote:
Originally Posted by don1945 View Post
I have never understood parents who are thrilled to see their kids turn 18 and leave home. When we had our sons, we had them for life. They were, and still are, our best friends, even though they are now in their late 40's. We have never "coddled" them, but they always knew we were there for them and they could depend on us for anything, and vice versa. We still talk every day or so, and the calls are initiated both ways.

I guess some families are just closer than others.
Five points for you! This is exactly how I feel about my adult children.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Yesterday, 06:35 AM
 
Location: Canada
5,469 posts, read 3,919,492 times
Reputation: 14535
I find child rearing these days simply ridiculous in many matters. It is like a competition as to who can be the better parent.

When parents are buying name brands only for their infants, things are going too far.

Talking to a toddler who is having a meltdown works at times to diffuse situations.

Sometimes a good time out or a spank is warranted when they are being mean or a danger to siblings, parents, friends or pets.

Last edited by gouligann; Yesterday at 06:57 AM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Yesterday, 08:42 AM
 
Location: Florida
4,942 posts, read 3,380,111 times
Reputation: 9665
Quote:
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla View Post
It's been worse for us in years where we went through unemployment, knowing we had to pony up a gift or give cash to an older teen/young adult because the parents expect it.
You know that you don't actually have to do this, right? You can only control your own actions, not someone else's reactions. If you don't want to give him a gift, just don't. If the friendship in the eyes of your friend is only worth your gift, then so be it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Yesterday, 09:17 AM
Status: "I don't have to agree." (set 3 days ago)
 
Location: Texas
8,116 posts, read 3,047,180 times
Reputation: 17123
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnotherTouchOfWhimsy View Post
You know that you don't actually have to do this, right? You can only control your own actions, not someone else's reactions. If you don't want to give him a gift, just don't. If the friendship in the eyes of your friend is only worth your gift, then so be it.
I don't have a choice. My husband has given him money in spite of my request to not do so.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Yesterday, 10:38 AM
 
18,966 posts, read 15,733,701 times
Reputation: 35691
Quote:
Originally Posted by platon20 View Post
We've all heard of helicopter parents but it seems to be affecting even the "kids" that are not grown ups.

I'm totally shocked at how many 20 and 30 year olds are coddled by parents in our society today. When I turned 18 I couldn't wait to get out on my own and get out from parent's orbit of influence. I loved my parents and had a great childhood but I was ready to move on.

Nowadays it seems different. Obviously rich people have always spoiled their adult kids but even middle class parents on 80k incomes are a lot more clingy these days than they used to be. I'm seeing things like parents going with their kids to grad school tours, getting involved in the details of their job search, grad school search, home search, etc.

It's not just financial, it's just way too much over involvement in general. It never would have occurred to me to take my mom/dad with me to look at med schools, or to have them shop my first house with me. I don't get it.

I wonder if some of these parents are interviewing their kids' boyfriends/girlfriends?

I don't think it's all helicopter parenting. I don't have kids, but my bff and other friends do. The difference between them and their grown daughters and I and my mother, is they seem to genuinely be friends and like each other's company. They have great relationships with their kids and are great moms. They go on trips together, they want to spend time together. One of my friends, she has traveled around the world with her 2 daughters since they were toddlers. She has been there for them every step of the way and as adults now (both girls are now married with kids) they still share a very close relationship and still see each other all the time. Both girls have college degrees, professional jobs, married great guys with good jobs and seem very happy and well-adjusted.

I'm envious actually, I wish I had a friendship with my mom. I wish I valued my mother's advice enough to bring her with me for things like that. I don't see any problem with it at all. These are all good kids who are accomplished and achieving goals, and I credit their relationship with their parents for that. I often wonder what I could have been had I had that kind of support. I don't see a thing wrong with a parent going on a road or plane trip with an adult child to look at med schools. Who likes traveling alone? They will probably turn it into a fun vacation.



What I'm saying is people are assuming parent is insisting on taking part, not only that, but taking over and taking charge. But it may very well be that they like each other and find each other's input helpful and are choosing to spend time together.

Last edited by ocnjgirl; Yesterday at 10:50 AM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Yesterday, 10:41 AM
 
Location: Texas
42,844 posts, read 51,257,658 times
Reputation: 68794
Quote:
Originally Posted by platon20 View Post
We've all heard of helicopter parents but it seems to be affecting even the "kids" that are not grown ups.

I'm totally shocked at how many 20 and 30 year olds are coddled by parents in our society today. When I turned 18 I couldn't wait to get out on my own and get out from parent's orbit of influence. I loved my parents and had a great childhood but I was ready to move on.

Nowadays it seems different. Obviously rich people have always spoiled their adult kids but even middle class parents on 80k incomes are a lot more clingy these days than they used to be. I'm seeing things like parents going with their kids to grad school tours, getting involved in the details of their job search, grad school search, home search, etc.

It's not just financial, it's just way too much over involvement in general. It never would have occurred to me to take my mom/dad with me to look at med schools, or to have them shop my first house with me. I don't get it.

I wonder if some of these parents are interviewing their kids' boyfriends/girlfriends?
Normal to involve family in major decisions all over the world. There is a power in that.
Sharing wisdom, experience, connections, etc...none of that is new here, either.

I not sure what point of pride you're trying to derive from excluding family members from offering their input.
It doesn't mean you can't make your own decisions. Or that you wouldn't know how.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Yesterday, 12:03 PM
 
Location: Forest Service Cabin-90% of the yr
129 posts, read 24,137 times
Reputation: 204
Getting your kids settled in the right College and first home is just what parents do.

We all know this

Though there are a few extreme cases/circumstances in this thread, most sound like imaginary problems invented by wild imaginations

Last edited by FrugalFox; Yesterday at 12:18 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top