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Old 03-04-2019, 12:36 PM
Status: "I don't have to agree." (set 2 days ago)
 
Location: Texas
8,120 posts, read 3,041,639 times
Reputation: 17112

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Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyFarm34 View Post
I help tutor college aged students to gain credit hours for a class they are taking. There's one student whose mom comes every time to tag along. Sometimes, the rest of her family comes along too, her dad and younger siblings. I haven't said anything yet to the student. She doesn't seem to really have any friends. From what I gather, she was home schooled. I think her mom needs to cut the cord. Her mom seems nice but that's not really the point. I remember being in collage and wanted my own independent separate from family. I can understand if she was under 18 but she's already an adult and think her mom needs to back off and let her be independent when it comes to attending events to gain credit hours for her college class.
Tell her you will only tutor her alone. Don't enable this unhealthy situation.
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Old 03-04-2019, 12:40 PM
Status: "I don't have to agree." (set 2 days ago)
 
Location: Texas
8,120 posts, read 3,041,639 times
Reputation: 17112
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801 View Post
My God, yes, and the rest of the story is even worse.

The mother didn't actually go into the interview with her daughter, but instead walked around the office chatting with us. She admired the photos a coworker had on her desk of her two young daughters, and she said, "I'd love to have a copy of your kids' pictures." We all snickered, because this woman was obviously nuts.
That's creepy. Who wants pictures of a stranger's kids? Can't be any good reason for that.
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Old 03-04-2019, 12:57 PM
 
2,406 posts, read 579,968 times
Reputation: 2672
Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyFarm34 View Post
I help tutor college aged students to gain credit hours for a class they are taking. There's one student whose mom comes every time to tag along. Sometimes, the rest of her family comes along too, her dad and younger siblings. I haven't said anything yet to the student. She doesn't seem to really have any friends. From what I gather, she was home schooled. I think her mom needs to cut the cord. Her mom seems nice but that's not really the point. I remember being in collage and wanted my own independent separate from family. I can understand if she was under 18 but she's already an adult and think her mom needs to back off and let her be independent when it comes to attending events to gain credit hours for her college class.
Any male students where this happens? Parents are weird in how they treat their children all differently.

They want to shelter the girl until she's 30 and screen who she dates, pay for her college, buy her a new car upon graduation "so she won't get stranded somewhere", etc.

But they want to kick the boy out when he turns 18, tell him he's going to college but then tell him he needs to take student loans, walk to work until he can save for a car . . .

Not my own story personally but seen it in my friends' upbringing and find it a double standard.
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Old 03-04-2019, 01:42 PM
 
5,264 posts, read 5,091,568 times
Reputation: 12293
Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyFarm34 View Post
18 is when people become adults. Yeah it's great for a parent to be involved in their child's life but they need to know boundaries and learn to step back when it comes to the real world and encourage independence. If she was a minor, I wouldn't care if the parent was there.
The student is 18, and an adult. You have zero idea about anything in this situation - maybe the 18 yr old asked the parents to come. She is an adult so let her be one, she does not need her tutor as a parent. You are being weird.



Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyFarm34 View Post
Tutoring. I don't do psych. services because that isn't what I do. If the student decides to take more advanced classes and get into the program, she won't be able to have her mom and her family tag along. That is College rules. I do think her family, especially her mom should step back and let her daughter focus on her studies and mingle with other students that are taking the same class as she is.
Again, you know nothing of the student, the mother, or anyone else. You are nobody to judge others' parenting or others' desire of how they want to be parented. Maybe you should step back and let this family be who they are without your know nothing input or inapplicable advice? I mean it ain't your kid.

You see this girl like for an hr once a week and here you are with all this mickey mouse advice, desperately wanting to impose your own cultural norms on how she and her family should be. You are soaked with privilege - It's a bit outrageous.

My advice to you is to take a step back and think about what makes you think you are in a position to judge someone and their situation, and that your way of doings things is better or more right. It's quite an arrogantly ugly way to orient towards society. Check yourself.
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Old 03-04-2019, 02:02 PM
 
Location: USA
2,521 posts, read 1,906,354 times
Reputation: 4022
Quote:
Originally Posted by CraigCreek View Post
If this was a one-time thing, and it was explained as such: "I hope you don't mind the rest of us being here - we're heading to (whatever) fifteen minutes after daughter finishes her tutoring session, so it made sense to come by here. I promise we won't get underfoot" - that would be acceptable, if not ideal. But if it happens every single time - I'd have to talk with the professor or instructor of whatever class she is being tutored for, and see if the same thing is happening there.

Again, a one-time occurrence would be one thing - a fourteen year old visiting cousin went with me to a summer school college class one time, but I asked the instructor if it would be okay first - no problem. But every single time? No way.

Your situation raises a red flag for me - one of the horribly abusive Turpin family's sons was "allowed" to attend the local community college, but his mother sat in the hall outside the classroom doors most of the time. Many of his previous classmates have said they thought his situation and manner were strange but they didn't want to interfere, and that they bitterly regret that now... The Turpins also claimed to be homeschoolers, when in truth, they were home jailers.

Can you discretely look into this a little more, and perhaps write a note to the daughter if more seems amiss? Just "Are you okay? I am concerned that your mother always comes with you. Do you need help?" Something she could answer yes or no...

It may be something fairly innocuous - the mother probably drives the daughter to her appointment, since I doubt if she's been allowed to get a driver's license, just from the sounds of things. And it could be that there are family activities immediately afterwards, which would explain the rest of the family tagging along. But even then, staying in the same room as the daughter seems odd. Why not run a quick errand, get the younger sibs. an ice cream cone, explore the campus, hang out in the college library and read the newspaper instead?

Another thought: do the parents have any college experience? Perhaps they just don't realize how strange this seems. Though as others have noted, in my own case and that of my peers, parents never accompanied us to Scouts, music lessons, etc. past the first meeting or lesson, unless a recital was being held or some other activity at which parents were welcome and expected.
Ironically, I had that same thought too about the Turpins and this student's mom is only making herself look strange by coming along to all her tutor sessions we have and events for the students to attend. Sometimes, even the younger siblings are in tow. I can understand once in a great while but not every time. I could mention something to the student privately in person and inquire why her mom always with her. Who knows if her parents still monitors her FB. Maybe she has social anxiety and feels more comfortable having her mom there. We recently had an event for the students to attend. Even her mom went. We don't allow alcohol or any kind of illegal activity at our events so there was nothing for her parents to worry about.

I don't know if her parents are college educated. Since the younger siblings are being home schooled, I would think the father is the main breadwinner.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ddm2k View Post
Any male students where this happens? Parents are weird in how they treat their children all differently.
They want to shelter the girl until she's 30 and screen who she dates, pay for her college, buy her a new car upon graduation "so she won't get stranded somewhere", etc.

But they want to kick the boy out when he turns 18, tell him he's going to college but then tell him he needs to take student loans, walk to work until he can save for a car . . .

Not my own story personally but seen it in my friends' upbringing and find it a double standard.
yeah, there's male students that will come. Students come on their free will. They're encouraged to attend to improve their skills and understand the culture better. It helps them do better in the classes they're taking.
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Old 03-04-2019, 02:24 PM
 
Location: USA
2,521 posts, read 1,906,354 times
Reputation: 4022
Quote:
Originally Posted by G-fused View Post
The student is 18, and an adult. You have zero idea about anything in this situation - maybe the 18 yr old asked the parents to come. She is an adult so let her be one, she does not need her tutor as a parent. You are being weird.





Again, you know nothing of the student, the mother, or anyone else. You are nobody to judge others' parenting or others' desire of how they want to be parented. Maybe you should step back and let this family be who they are without your know nothing input or inapplicable advice? I mean it ain't your kid.

You see this girl like for an hr once a week and here you are with all this mickey mouse advice, desperately wanting to impose your own cultural norms on how she and her family should be. You are soaked with privilege - It's a bit outrageous.

My advice to you is to take a step back and think about what makes you think you are in a position to judge someone and their situation, and that your way of doings things is better or more right. It's quite an arrogantly ugly way to orient towards society. Check yourself.
hmmm....

When something is a bit off, people are gonna talk, that's just life. Most parents are wonderful and believe they do their best in raising their children. However there are some parents who don't deserve to even be called a parent like the Turpins for example. I never said anything bad about the student's family, they just seem a bit weird because her mom is always with her.

Last edited by HappyFarm34; 03-04-2019 at 02:33 PM..
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Old 03-04-2019, 03:03 PM
 
3,575 posts, read 2,545,389 times
Reputation: 6423
I guess I can't imagine wanting to drag my other children out to waste their time and mine for another child's tutoring session. I would never consider it. My kids would've drove themselves. If for some reason I had to drive, we'd take the rest of the family to the grocery or park.

OP, I don't think you're being weird mentioning this. My college professor friends complain about parents who actually contact them when junior doesn't turn in homework or pass exams.

But, those are some crazier stories above, especially from the MightyQueen!
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Old 03-04-2019, 03:19 PM
 
10,117 posts, read 8,064,901 times
Reputation: 18268
Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyFarm34 View Post
Ironically, I had that same thought too about the Turpins and this student's mom is only making herself look strange by coming along to all her tutor sessions we have and events for the students to attend. Sometimes, even the younger siblings are in tow. I can understand once in a great while but not every time. I could mention something to the student privately in person and inquire why her mom always with her. Who knows if her parents still monitors her FB. Maybe she has social anxiety and feels more comfortable having her mom there. We recently had an event for the students to attend. Even her mom went. We don't allow alcohol or any kind of illegal activity at our events so there was nothing for her parents to worry about.

I don't know if her parents are college educated. Since the younger siblings are being home schooled, I would think the father is the main breadwinner.

yeah, there's male students that will come. Students come on their free will. They're encouraged to attend to improve their skills and understand the culture better. It helps them do better in the classes they're taking.
Good, I hope you will inquire about this young lady's circumstances and why her mother et all are constantly with her. BTW, can you see what books the younger kids are reading? Might be a clue to where the family is coming from... or not.

The presence of male students might be a concern for the mother, if she's out-to-lunch overprotective.
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Old 03-04-2019, 03:30 PM
 
5,264 posts, read 5,091,568 times
Reputation: 12293
Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyFarm34 View Post
hmmm....

When something is a bit off, people are gonna talk, that's just life. Most parents are wonderful and believe they do their best in raising their children. However there are some parents who don't deserve to even be called a parent like the Turpins for example. I never said anything bad about the student's family, they just seem a bit weird because her mom is always with her.
But that is exactly the point. A bit weird to whom? If the student is not distressed then it is what it is. Being gay seemed weird to most a few short years ago. Being different is not cause for concern or the desire to impose your own will and try to talk her into doing something or talking about something she is not comfortable with. Even worse is you are in a position of authority in this scenario. There are so many things here that it just shows really poor judgment IMO.

Maybe, the kid wants her mother's support? Maybe she has a disorder that she is working through (or not) that is alleviated when her mother is around? Maybe it has to do with her religion, maybe it is cultural. Many many maybe's. Too many to simply pass judgement on something you think seems off and to them is not. I guess it comes off as intrusive - you are her tutor, so it is weird that you feel the need to transcend that relationship when nobody is in distress. And weird that you are comfortable doing that - speaks to American arrogance.

If you think this is a case resembling the Turpins then of course intercede but I suspect that if you really thought that, action would have been taken already rather than playing on an Internet forum.

Bottom line is that just because it doesn't fit your mold does not mean there is anything wrong and does not need an intervention to set people on a course you think should be set. It's like being outraged if someone eats salad after the main course.
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Old 03-04-2019, 05:09 PM
 
Location: South Carolina
13,503 posts, read 18,231,304 times
Reputation: 23564
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801 View Post
My God, yes, and the rest of the story is even worse.

The mother didn't actually go into the interview with her daughter, but instead walked around the office chatting with us. She admired the photos a coworker had on her desk of her two young daughters, and she said, "I'd love to have a copy of your kids' pictures." We all snickered, because this woman was obviously nuts.

They hired the daughter as a secretary.

A couple of weeks later, the daughter comes to the coworker with the pictures of her daughters, and says, "My mother wanted to know if you got those copies made of your daughters' pictures for her. She'd really like to have them." Uh-oh.

My coworker made some excuse to put her off, but it didn't matter because it wasn't long before we realized that the nut hadn't fallen far from the tree. She didn't like the boss she was working for, and somehow she found the home phone number of another manager in the office and called him at home on Superbowl Sunday during the game to complain about her boss.

They let her go before her probationary period was up.

That was not the last we heard of them, however.

https://www.nytimes.com/1991/09/19/n...n-in-1988.html

So are you saying that these are the two women who came to your office and the one rose you worked with ? Is that what I am reading here ? yes or not and if so wow .
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