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Old 03-05-2019, 01:40 PM
 
5,503 posts, read 2,505,836 times
Reputation: 14020

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Quote:
Originally Posted by NorthofHere View Post
Are you a woman or man? If a man it maybe religious or other reasons that they don't wish her to be alone with a man. If you aren't a man, yeah it is unusual and probably not good for her development. I don't think you should tell her parents to back off, that needs to come from the student.
Hmmm....interesting .

So a licensed tutor doesn't have a say in how she/he carries expectations in study ? With all the whackadoodle allegations swirling around in today's "#metooCanscrewu" mantra.. .I can see how having 20 to 30 family members around to make sure the tutor is "behaving "...maybe there is a positive spin on this! After all 30 family members would not lie or have reason to...
Okay...back to reality. ! The tutor has a say in how the curriculum is managed...if the family wants to pay to sit in...have at it
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Old 03-05-2019, 02:24 PM
 
Location: USA
2,523 posts, read 1,910,722 times
Reputation: 4028
Quote:
Originally Posted by NorthofHere View Post
Are you a woman or man? If a man it maybe religious or other reasons that they don't wish her to be alone with a man. If you aren't a man, yeah it is unusual and probably not good for her development. I don't think you should tell her parents to back off, that needs to come from the student.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nov3 View Post
Hmmm....interesting .

So a licensed tutor doesn't have a say in how she/he carries expectations in study ? With all the whackadoodle allegations swirling around in today's "#metooCanscrewu" mantra.. .I can see how having 20 to 30 family members around to make sure the tutor is "behaving "...maybe there is a positive spin on this! After all 30 family members would not lie or have reason to...
Okay...back to reality. ! The tutor has a say in how the curriculum is managed...if the family wants to pay to sit in...have at it
I'm a woman. There's men everywhere. Even in the workplace. We can't treat them all like predators because most aren't. And to make it fair, there's female predators also although it's less common.

The tutoring is done in a group setting in a public place so there's no need to worry about false allegations. And the tutoring is free unless there's an event for the students to attend relating to the class then they pay for it. The students taking the classes are encouraged to attend the group tutoring sessions to improve their language skills and have a better understanding of the culture.

Well, I already talked to someone and students aren't allowed to bring their family members to their tutoring sessions if they want their credit hours for class. College policy and I agree with it.
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Old 03-05-2019, 03:25 PM
 
Location: Camberville
11,704 posts, read 16,405,271 times
Reputation: 18810
I work in higher ed and have more than a little contact with parents on digital channels. 20 years ago, parents were forced to cut the cord in all but the most extreme co-dependent cases because there was no way to constantly be checking in. That training - for both parent and child - started early. Most students had a greater deal of independence participating in high school activities, going out with friends, having jobs, or just driving around without access to a phone 24/7.



Most parents have some level of anxiety about their adult child leaving the nest, but now they have to make a conscious decision to leave them alone.


Part of my job involves managing a social media group for parents of our 18-22 year old students. Most parents are perfectly fine and normal, but there are others who post with concern when it's been more than a few hours since their student texted them back. Our campus police and student life teams have had to grow their staff just to manage the anxious parents. Most of the students whose parents are "frequent flyers" are pretty sheepish and embarrassed about it, but others have been raised to be completely codependent on their parents. We try to gently point out that when the parents were in school, it was more typical that a student contacted their folks once a week... or even once a month! But for some people, that's not enough.


It can continue on past college, too. My employee is 28 and her mother still has access to her "Find My iPhone" app to know where she is. My employee pays for her own phone and has lived in an apartment she pays for with her boyfriend for the past 5 years, but her mother will STILL call her if she sees she's somewhere that's not expected on the app. Her mom calls her morning and night. My employee is great at her job and you would never know how influential her mom is unless she told you. When I asked why she didn't set up boundaries, her response is that it's easier to keep the peace than to send her mom into a tizzy. Not my place to push, but a scenario that would not have been so easy to progress to this point if she had come of age before the time of mobile phones.
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Old 03-05-2019, 06:25 PM
 
24 posts, read 7,792 times
Reputation: 127
Quote:
Originally Posted by phonelady61 View Post
Yes some parents have made their kids their whole life ( I know a few ) . One imparticular who always has her grandkids at her house . She no longer has time for her friends w/o dragging a grand kid along and said grandkid starts to cry or act up and she has to leave a luncheon of her friends . I used to say to her do you ever think about just being a grandma part time and she responded by saying "oh no I could never do that " . You know I just want to shake these parents and say " You are entitled to your own life and let your kids raise their kids let them be the ones who take of their kids not you ' . They are incapable of understanding of the term cutting the cord . I cut mine a long time ago and I tell my kids I love being grandma but not all the time . I have a husband who deserves my time as well and I have lady friends whom I have lunch with once a week and that is my non grandma time .Now that might change as I get older but I seriously doubt it . I feel sorry for these parents who cant cut the cord nor can they cut the grandma cord .I agree with you it is time for that mother to cut the cord .
I find it odd that this woman's life and choices bother you. She may enjoy the company of her grandchildren more than the company of a group of older women. Why not?

Sounds like everyone is doing what they enjoy (her being a full-time grandma, you being a part-time grandma and letting your kids know your boundaries).

No harm either way.
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Old 03-05-2019, 06:41 PM
 
1,074 posts, read 201,660 times
Reputation: 1116
Quote:
Originally Posted by Unsworth View Post
What concern is it of yours how this family manages their lives? It is better that the parents are involved with their child's life than not enough. What does age 18 have to do with it? When you become 18 does it magically change things?
Because these failed parenting strategies negatively affect society as a whole.

Avoiding uncomfortable behaviors of yourself is never a productive way of running your life and this sort of defensiveness always projects weakness.
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Old 03-05-2019, 07:23 PM
 
Location: Indianapolis, East Side
937 posts, read 464,170 times
Reputation: 2404
Quote:
Originally Posted by YorktownGal View Post
I don't understand why this girl's situation is unusual.

1) Either she does not drive which is not unusual for millennials.

2) Or, she does not own a car.

3) So she relies on her mom for transportation.

4) Her mother has other children to care for so they come too.
Technically, she's Generation Z, not a Millennial. In any case, packing up the whole family to go to a tutoring session--who does that? Most people would call an Uber or Lyft, or taxi, or take the bus, or ride a bike, or walk, or get a ride with a friend, or get their own car.

What happens when this girl wants to go on a date? Is the family going to tag along there, too?
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Old 03-05-2019, 07:36 PM
 
2,418 posts, read 588,705 times
Reputation: 2714
Quote:
Originally Posted by charolastra00 View Post
I work in higher ed and have more than a little contact with parents on digital channels. 20 years ago, parents were forced to cut the cord in all but the most extreme co-dependent cases because there was no way to constantly be checking in. That training - for both parent and child - started early. Most students had a greater deal of independence participating in high school activities, going out with friends, having jobs, or just driving around without access to a phone 24/7.



Most parents have some level of anxiety about their adult child leaving the nest, but now they have to make a conscious decision to leave them alone.


Part of my job involves managing a social media group for parents of our 18-22 year old students. Most parents are perfectly fine and normal, but there are others who post with concern when it's been more than a few hours since their student texted them back. Our campus police and student life teams have had to grow their staff just to manage the anxious parents. Most of the students whose parents are "frequent flyers" are pretty sheepish and embarrassed about it, but others have been raised to be completely codependent on their parents. We try to gently point out that when the parents were in school, it was more typical that a student contacted their folks once a week... or even once a month! But for some people, that's not enough.


It can continue on past college, too. My employee is 28 and her mother still has access to her "Find My iPhone" app to know where she is. My employee pays for her own phone and has lived in an apartment she pays for with her boyfriend for the past 5 years, but her mother will STILL call her if she sees she's somewhere that's not expected on the app. Her mom calls her morning and night. My employee is great at her job and you would never know how influential her mom is unless she told you. When I asked why she didn't set up boundaries, her response is that it's easier to keep the peace than to send her mom into a tizzy. Not my place to push, but a scenario that would not have been so easy to progress to this point if she had come of age before the time of mobile phones.
It's only pursued if it's convenient and continues to be gratifying for the overbearing parent. Without technology, perhaps the drive across town (the state, the country) wasn't worth the effort.
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Old 03-05-2019, 08:45 PM
 
471 posts, read 137,588 times
Reputation: 1031
Quote:
Originally Posted by sheerbliss View Post
In any case, packing up the whole family to go to a tutoring session--who does that? Most people would call an Uber or Lyft, or taxi, or take the bus, or ride a bike, or walk, or get a ride with a friend, or get their own car.

What happens when this girl wants to go on a date? Is the family going to tag along there, too?
Not in northern Westchester. Not many taxis, ride sharing or buses. Distances are too far to ride a bike or walk.

Why would a friend want to take her to tutoring? Knowing how reliable teenagers are, I can't image any problems arising from that situation.

Where I live, teenager aren't given cars nor can they afford to buy their own. Cars and, more importantly, car insurance is expensive.

The parents bring her and her younger siblings. Sorry if it seems she doesn't drive or they only have one car. Maybe the whole family goes out for dinner afterwards. Maybe they don't have a babysitter for the younger siblings. We don't know anything about this.

Why are people obsessing over this? It is a rather trivial. It is only one piece of information on this girl. Why jump to conclusions?

As for your smack - the girl would be picked up by her date or go with a group of friends. Totally different situation.

Last edited by YorktownGal; 03-05-2019 at 09:02 PM..
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Old 03-05-2019, 10:21 PM
 
Location: Indianapolis, East Side
937 posts, read 464,170 times
Reputation: 2404
Quote:
Originally Posted by YorktownGal View Post
Not in northern Westchester. Not many taxis, ride sharing or buses. Distances are too far to ride a bike or walk.

Why would a friend want to take her to tutoring? Knowing how reliable teenagers are, I can't image any problems arising from that situation.

Where I live, teenager aren't given cars nor can they afford to buy their own. Cars and, more importantly, car insurance is expensive.

The parents bring her and her younger siblings. Sorry if it seems she doesn't drive or they only have one car. Maybe the whole family goes out for dinner afterwards. Maybe they don't have a babysitter for the younger siblings. We don't know anything about this.

Why are people obsessing over this? It is a rather trivial. It is only one piece of information on this girl. Why jump to conclusions?

As for your smack - the girl would be picked up by her date or go with a group of friends. Totally different situation.
Why would a friend want to take her to tutoring? Because that's the kind of thing friends do for each other?

I grew up in the suburban boonies and a lot of teenagers in high school had jobs and cars. That was before teenagers were considered overgrown toddlers, I guess.

BTW, if mom and the kids are just sitting around during the tutoring, why not let the daughter drive herself? Seems practical if there's a lack of transportation in the area. A lot of parents are happy when they don't have to chauffeur their kids around anymore.

People are talking about this because it's strange and far removed from their own experience. Many of us were driving, working and living on our own at that age. My mother and aunt were married with kids.
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Old 03-06-2019, 04:23 AM
 
123 posts, read 75,952 times
Reputation: 390
I think it's very strange...will the parent want to help out with their adult child when they get a job after college? Will they expect the employer to provide them with an extra chair so mom can be there too?
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