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Old 03-04-2019, 09:47 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
41,095 posts, read 39,781,754 times
Reputation: 78169

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Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
I don't see your son as being all that much of a problem. You say he's not into drugs ...

He's working on his GED. You don't say anything about his father, but you have a boyfriend, so his dad is not in the home.

You dislike her a lot, but apparently she's still in school and will graduate in May, and her parents have forbidden her seeing your son. So that's their perspective.
I agree with this ^^^. And if she's as bad as she's been portrayed, her parents won't be much help.

The most alarming part to me was that your son doesn't seem to have any dealbreakers.

This girl has violated his human decency multiple times, in horrible ways. Yet he continues to allow her in his life. That does not bode well for his ability to stand up for himself or to set boundaries with people.

It sets him up to be a doormat. That's the part I would focus on and work to rectify immediately.

This hot mess is a distraction, but at least she's a revealing one.

 
Old 03-04-2019, 09:58 PM
 
6,391 posts, read 3,567,907 times
Reputation: 13599
If he's not going to school, Sonny should be working at a full time job. That alone would cut down on the time available to spend with the girl friend. It would also give him an opportunity to learn about personal responsibility and to plan for his own future rather that having his mother decide on a "plan" for what he should be doing. Right now he is doing whatever he feels like doing; probably like he has been for the past seventeen years. How's that working out?
 
Old 03-05-2019, 01:17 AM
 
Location: Forest Service Cabin-90% of the yr
139 posts, read 25,983 times
Reputation: 209
Op, you have a lot going on. So sorry you are enduring this.

My main concern is your 17 year old doesn't see the danger signs of dating a girl who has been in an out of mental institutions.
Doesn't say much about the maturity or wisdom of your 17 year old.

Not a put down, I am sure he has wonderful traits and other things about him but this could do him in, actually ,it likely will do him in.

There needs to be more time to ensure she is stable now.

Kids do not need to be in the picture so early

If he cannot control his impulses, he needs to get a vasectomy.

No if's and's or butts.

He must do this at age 18

He's damn lucky to be dodging a bullet this long.

A chid will surely be brought into this mess, maybe even removed from her care by Cps as soon as they learn her history.

She's already manipulative. Don't be surprised if it escalates to him hitting her, molesting the child, whatever she makes up to get her way. Hope not but her history leaves it open to many avenues she could take.

Your son may be able to get a vasectomy reversed when he is more mentally stable himself.

Later in life when he is ready to produce a child with his wife, then he can. Or he can adopt.

This is a bomb waiting to go off....period.

The girl wants to talk to you, well you need to play mom. Don't make the mistake of rejecting her.

Your advice may seem to fall on deaf ears but she needs a Mother who can tell her she needs to get on Birth Control.

And show compassion for her.

Otherwise assume you will be pressured to watch this baby and assume this will happen

Sex produces babies, that's a fact of life.

The best thing for all involved is to find a true bible believing church so everyone is on the same page.

Then support can be had all around to do the right thing.

Be a good role model, insure your life is moral so your son won't see you as a hypocrite

Teach how important it is to wait until marriage to produce children

All children deserve a mother and a father who are committed to each other

Hopefully it will all work out.

Good luck to all of you


.

Last edited by FrugalFox; 03-05-2019 at 01:32 AM..
 
Old 03-05-2019, 05:16 AM
 
Location: NJ
9,970 posts, read 20,792,908 times
Reputation: 7526
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
He is in therapy.

They tried to tell me she had a "latex allergy." I bought non-latex condoms. No excuses! I've made sure he stays stocked with those, but I'm not in...uh...any position to um...make SURE that they use them...

I have really hammered into his head, that's the only method he can take responsibility for doing. That given her recent behavior (the pregnancy threats, which came first with "I will abort your child" and later with "I will keep it and make sure I take every penny you ever get" when she was feeling spiteful) he should really not be having sex with her at all. I am not the kind of parent who expects my son to wait until marriage, but I always told him to hold off for someone he could trust.

Thing is they both have been nasty to each other, he can be jealous and controlling, but she is better at the game of manipulating people. Neither is innocent and the relationship is bad for them both. The ONLY good thing I see is that he has been learning and growing a lot as a person since they got together and I hope in the future, after this ends (hopefully without kids!) he will be more careful about who he gets involved with and emotionally invested in.

Teachable moments are everywhere and always.

The only thing that tempts me to talk to her parents, is that I don't honestly know if they WOULD kick her out or not.

I have no intention of raising any grandkids. Both of my sons know this. I had no family support when I was young and struggling, so I know it's possible to make it...it just REALLY SUCKS is all. I would like to be there for my sons but there are limits. Babies...that's a limit.

I can't really put him out until he's 18 in September. He actually would like to be moved out before then if he can, for obvious "then I can do whatever I want, because being a grown up is all about doing whatever you want!" reasons.

KIDS I SWEAR. Sometimes I wanna laugh and cry at the same time.
Your son needs to make sure she doesn't know where he keeps the condoms because she could put pin holes in them.

My son used to have a GF like this; around the same age; he's 33 now. She was jealous of our relationship, did whatever she could to drive a wedge. She had the ultimate "hook" in my son; she used to threaten to kill herself if the relationship didn't go her way. What finally led to their break up was my sons best friend moved to California from NJ, needed help moving. The friends mother said my son and another friend could stay with them. Their son was depressed about moving. I told my son to jump on it, he may never get another chance to experience California that way. I don't recall how long he stayed, I think a year. When he came home I believe she had moved on.

I honestly don't know what to say; whether you should go to her parents or not. I never did but back then we weren't connected the way we are now. I don't think throwing them out is the best option. I personally would rather work thru something like this; it will make the bond with your son stronger if you can. It's going to be about finding the perfect balance.
 
Old 03-05-2019, 05:57 AM
 
36,133 posts, read 13,862,762 times
Reputation: 22868
Celebrate his successes.

Sympathize with his setbacks.

Realize that for all intents and purposes your job is done here.

Treat like the adult he believes he is.

Is there someone you know who has been paying child support for years as a result of a poor decision about birth control? Having him talk with this person will likely have more impact than anything you say at this point.

The son of one of our neighbors didn't go to college but rather into the military because he had child support payments to make every month. One of our sons mentioned that this put the fear the Lord in him and he is uses protection faithfully regardless of what his partners birth control practices are.

But forget about regulating who his girlfriends are and what he does with them. That train has left the station. Do your best to be pleasant to them and focus on the things you can have an impact on, such as encouraging him to get his education.

Good luck.
 
Old 03-05-2019, 08:51 AM
 
12,754 posts, read 6,662,628 times
Reputation: 23519
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
I don't see your son as being all that much of a problem.

I see it as a huge problem. The kid is lining himself up to be poor for life and dependent on mom. A GED, poor decision making skills, and no visible sign of work ethic is minimum wage. I kind of doubt spork will kick the kid to the curb in September so this is shaping up to be decades of parental welfare. That makes for challenging personal finances as you approach retirement age.
 
Old 03-05-2019, 01:18 PM
 
959 posts, read 339,182 times
Reputation: 2969
This whole fiasco is why sex before marriage and especially unwed pregnancy were so stigmatized, and until recently, eliminated the problem of tails (children) wagging the dog.
Sure there were 'exceptions' but arrogance and disrespect were not part of it.

Sorry, but I got nothing except wait it out.
You don't deserve this, but who does?
 
Old 03-05-2019, 01:34 PM
 
Location: Fort Lauderdale, Florida
8,604 posts, read 7,865,935 times
Reputation: 18405
Sorry, but the end justifies the means.

I would absolutely call her parents.

Those two do not need to be near each other.
 
Old 03-05-2019, 01:55 PM
 
4,847 posts, read 2,054,991 times
Reputation: 13644
Quote:
Originally Posted by GeoffD View Post
I see it as a huge problem. The kid is lining himself up to be poor for life and dependent on mom. A GED, poor decision making skills, and no visible sign of work ethic is minimum wage. I kind of doubt spork will kick the kid to the curb in September so this is shaping up to be decades of parental welfare. That makes for challenging personal finances as you approach retirement age.
+1.

He's only passed 1 of 4 tests for a GED yet he has time for all this???? Ya , nope.
 
Old 03-05-2019, 02:16 PM
 
5,499 posts, read 2,503,950 times
Reputation: 14016
Get counseling. Tricks are for kids. Not parents.
I feel sorry for the young lady...to be judged and unwelcomed. But I trust you are being objectively fair in your assessment. .
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