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Old 03-05-2019, 09:26 PM
 
6,391 posts, read 3,567,907 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
It's cool, I knew (because I've been in this forum before) that some of the posters are pretty much here to try and make any parent, no matter what they are doing, feel torn down. I think some folks just like to try and be mean to others on the internet, not sure what's behind that impulse but I'm not surprised to catch some of that energy here.

But let's just get this out of the way, "Yeah, yeah, my kids are not perfect specimens of golden perfection. I'm divorced. This must mean I am a horrible mother. Gosh, what would I do without strangers on the internet to tell me what a terrible mom I am and how my kid will surely end up in the gutter or my basement or whatever. " OK? We good now? ...

To those of you being genuine and awesome and showing some compassion, hey, THANK YOU--you rock.

Honestly, I reflect on how I didn't expect this stage, when they're almost independent and just needing to knock out a few particular goals to get there, as the HARDEST PART...but I am finding it that way. Yeah, babies need you all the time and everything, but it's pretty straightforward with what needs done. And babies don't make questionable life choices. lol



I know what drugs he has ever tried, when he tried them, how he feels about it, what his access to them was at that time, etc. My son talks to me. He tells me pretty much everything. On the rare occasions he tries to get away with something, I tend to be able to tell when he is lying to me and even if I say nothing about it, he confesses within a day or two. He doesn't like lying, and he doesn't like keeping secrets from me. Because he knows I'm generally supportive to him and I love him and want to give advice, guidance, and help as best I can.

I will NOT however raise his child. I have objectives and responsibilities in my life other than my kids. Such as older relatives who will need care, too. None of them are MORE important than my kids while my kids are minors and before they're on their feet in the adult world. But I will not have a 25 or 30 year old son living in my house expecting me to parent his children. If that makes me a bad Mom to you, you can go ahead and think it.

I don't want to put him out of my home at age 18. But I told him that if you walk all over people and violate their boundaries (such as mine, to keep the girlfriend out of my home because I don't need to deal with her drama) then you cannot expect them to just give and give and to keep making them feel USED. I think that's a lesson he needs to learn.

I do unconditionally love and support him, but I don't support bad decisions when I see them happening. I'm not going to give him everything he has a whim to have just because he wants it.



I've spoken to her parents in the past. We have some disconnects. So you say talk to her parents, and if they decide to go ahead and throw her out because they found out she lied about seeing my kid (she is an adult, they CAN do this) and then the girl is homeless, and my son is begging to let her stay with us so she doesn't sleep on the street or hole up with one of her sketchy friends...then what? I let her? Or I say no and strain things with my kid?

I don't KNOW if they'd throw her out or not but they can. I do know they plan to move to another city and leave her behind within weeks of her graduation whether she has somewhere to go, or not. She has put them through hell, and they've been abusive at times too (from what she says and my perception from talking to them confirms.)



I know. It bugs me, too. This is his first relationship of any meaning, intimacy, or duration though. His first ride on that rollercoaster of emotion that infatuated love causes. I understand this...which is why I know better than to try and FORCE him to break up with her, he'd only go all "star crossed lovers" and "no one understands!" on me. I've pointed out to him many times, that he will likely have plenty of other opportunities at love in his life, and he needs to be LEARNING from all this. I let him tell me all the bad stuff and it's like one day he's sure he's definitely breaking up with her, the next he's like "We can make this work!"



"Sonny" has been applying for jobs all over town. I expect he'll have better luck getting one, after he's completed the GED. Right now as a dropout, I don't think he's a very competitive applicant.

As it is I have him going to a class every afternoon for GED prep, and given I think he can pass it without the class, that is mostly to keep him busy in the afternoons between when his girl gets out of school and when I get home from work. Yesterday though, her school and his class were cancelled due to snow, that's why he had the opportunity to get up to "whatever."

I give him guidance. Support. He makes the plan. He is the one wanting to get into a certain field and planning how to get there, including college (starting at community college and working up) and including military service in a couple of years. And yes he has a plan for paying for college too. This thread wasn't meant to cover his entire life story, but by all means keep looking for holes to ATTACK for whatever reason you enjoy that, there.


I don't know many 17 year olds who are "wise and mature." I wasn't.
I'm not suggesting my son get a vasectomy at age 18 and I don't know any doctors who will perform one. A little less so than with women trying to get tubes tied, but most docs won't do sterilization procedures with the very young people who have no kids. They know if you get it reversed later, there's a good chance your fertility will be a problem. And my son does ONE DAY (late 20s is his plan, and not with this girl) want to have kids.

Did you miss the part where I said she has an implant? Her parents were smart enough when she was foolin' around sleeping around, to take her in to get it. I confirmed that with them some time ago. But she likes to tell my son she "feels like it is wearing off" (not until next year, actually, nice try) and that she "feels pregnant." She does this to freak him out and upset him. We have bought pregnancy tests multiple times now, just to shut her up and put him at ease. But trust me, he's got his condoms, I am telling him he shouldn't sleep with her anyhow, and she has an implant.

I gave her compassion until she started manipulating ME (or trying to) and there are other things she's said I won't get into here, trust me I am 100% justified in NOT giving her my mothering and compassion.
She was raised in a big ol' bible believing church. Went on mission trips and everything. Her family is very religious, they adopted 5 kids from other countries and one of her brothers molested her. Her Mom's constant belittling her appearance has given her eating disorders. The religion didn't save her from anything. I'm very sorry about her life but I don't consent to take responsibility for her. I'm just being there for my son until he can get off the crazy train. I did not consent to adopt a hard luck case, though. This town and this world are full of troubled strays and I am not into trying to rescue them. I don't have the resources. My son doesn't, either, but unlike me, he hasn't yet learned this lesson the hard way...but he's working on it!
Thank you.
If you already have an answer (or excuse) for anything anyone here suggests, why did you bother to start the thread to begin with? If you have all the answers why do you have an unemployed seventeen year old living with you who you fear is in such a dire predicament? Has he ever had a paying job of any type?

 
Old 03-05-2019, 11:21 PM
 
10,949 posts, read 7,990,169 times
Reputation: 19505
If you could convince him to go to the national guard youth challenge program He could get his GED and a semester of college. Then he could go military if he wanted (and qualified). Great kick start and though is tough, most kids love it. If Colorado had that. Many states do.
 
Old Yesterday, 07:54 AM
 
Location: Coastal Georgia
36,121 posts, read 44,281,218 times
Reputation: 59996
I don’t know if I can add very much. It sounds like OP has made her feelings very clear to her son.
It has been my policy with my 4 kids, who are doing fine, to state my position, one time, then shut up about it.
I would ask the son why he chooses to settle for a girlfriend who has so many things wrong with her? Why doesn’t he think he deserves better?
I’d also ask him what his plan is for earning a living after he gets the GED. I’d make sure he knows that although I love him, I am choosing to be done with involving myself in his activities in my home. By all means, steer him and support him while he completes his studies and finds a job. You could even help him with a deposit on a small apartment. Once he has the tools, he’s on his own.

Make sure he HEARS you, loud and clear. Then just wait it out.
 
Old Yesterday, 09:01 AM
 
5,322 posts, read 1,882,230 times
Reputation: 12480
Quote:
Originally Posted by kokonutty View Post
If you already have an answer (or excuse) for anything anyone here suggests, why did you bother to start the thread to begin with? If you have all the answers why do you have an unemployed seventeen year old living with you who you fear is in such a dire predicament? Has he ever had a paying job of any type?

Who the F**k suggests a vasectomy for a 17 yr. old? That's stupid and bad advice. Sonic is not a stupid woman...don't give stupid advice.
 
Old Yesterday, 09:03 AM
 
Location: Colorado
10,776 posts, read 6,782,110 times
Reputation: 19302
This problem may have resolved itself, so I might not need any more particular advice on this particular subject, but again thanks to those of you who are here to offer either compassion or good advice. Big thanks!

The other night the girlfriend got hopped up on Xanax and sent my son a weird series of texts about how she wanted to go live in the forest and master "magik" and talk to animals. He was laughing and shaking his head and very "wtf?" about this and he looked at me at one point and said, "You're right. She's nuts. I want out." Yet he wasn't prepared to do much besides just ignore her...which I told him is a FINE choice. Then she attempted to woo me into letting her back in the house by buying me flowers which I did not accept, and asking to take us all out to a fancy dinner with her gas station paycheck, and I refused to meet with her (didn't really have time honestly, had other plans) and told her to keep her money. She's gonna need it way more than I need a dinner. Well, last night, she apparently got back together with an ex of hers, a slightly older guy with his own place and stuff. I've kinda been thinking all along that after she turned 18, what were the odds she'd wait around for my son to become an adult, when she had other options who would be happy to put up with her drama just to have sex with her? My son is wavering between hurt and relieved.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kokonutty View Post
If you already have an answer (or excuse) for anything anyone here suggests, why did you bother to start the thread to begin with? If you have all the answers why do you have an unemployed seventeen year old living with you who you fear is in such a dire predicament? Has he ever had a paying job of any type?
I'll tell you why. This is why:

Quote:
Originally Posted by hunterseat View Post
If you could convince him to go to the national guard youth challenge program He could get his GED and a semester of college. Then he could go military if he wanted (and qualified). Great kick start and though is tough, most kids love it. If Colorado had that. Many states do.
I wanted to know if anyone had any ideas I had not yet considered, options I might not already have seen. Thinking outside my own little box.

But no, I wasn't responding favorably to "your son is garbage and you are garbage!" type mojo.

Yes he has had a job before. And he does have plans on what to do once he's completed his GED. He passed part 2 of 4 last night. He has the third part scheduled for next Tuesday. So all that stuff, not as relevant as some seem to want it to be. He is making progress in these other areas. And honestly...those things, except insofar as girlfriend is kind of a distraction he doesn't need (we all know this) are a bit off topic.

Quote:
Originally Posted by gentlearts View Post
I don’t know if I can add very much. It sounds like OP has made her feelings very clear to her son.
It has been my policy with my 4 kids, who are doing fine, to state my position, one time, then shut up about it.
I would ask the son why he chooses to settle for a girlfriend who has so many things wrong with her? Why doesn’t he think he deserves better?
I’d also ask him what his plan is for earning a living after he gets the GED.
I’d make sure he knows that although I love him, I am choosing to be done with involving myself in his activities in my home. By all means, steer him and support him while he completes his studies and finds a job. You could even help him with a deposit on a small apartment. Once he has the tools, he’s on his own.

Make sure he HEARS you, loud and clear. Then just wait it out.
To the bold: He hasn't done a lot of choosing women, he let them choose him, and this one chose him, and he went with it. At first it seemed (to him) great, this beautiful and intelligent (when she's acting relatively sane/normal) young woman was into him. He let his feelings carry him away, which I think is a very human thing to do. One of the bits of advice I've given him, is to slow down in the future. Try to get to know someone before you give them your heart. It's a tough lesson, I know many grown adults still struggling with it.

And he does know how he's going to make money once he earns his GED. He is working on getting a job, but he also has his father's GI bill so once he starts college, he'll have, for a time, free school and housing allowance of about $1500/month. In addition to working, which he also plans to do, and is applying for jobs actively.

None of that was really the issue.

As a parent I've been torn between knowing what is best for my son, and knowing that he's got to learn his own lessons. Which in my opinion, is one of the hardest things about being a parent. I was wanting to know if there was some trick, angle, or tactic I had not yet considered.

Hunterseat~ Thanks so much for that, I'm going to look into it! I'd not heard of this. But we're in a military heavy town and I'm betting that is totally a thing here.
 
Old Yesterday, 09:25 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
41,095 posts, read 39,781,754 times
Reputation: 78169
Potshots aside, the job and GED stuff isn’t off topic because they do factor in to a person’s total self-image, and if he’s able to feel good about himself because he feels like a capable, contributing person, he’s less likely to LET himself get manipulated by a psycho.

All part of the painful growing-up process. Building blocks.
 
Old Yesterday, 10:00 AM
 
3,584 posts, read 2,547,565 times
Reputation: 6443
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
This problem may have resolved itself, so I might not need any more particular advice on this particular subject, but again thanks to those of you who are here to offer either compassion or good advice. Big thanks!

The other night the girlfriend got hopped up on Xanax and sent my son a weird series of texts about how she wanted to go live in the forest and master "magik" and talk to animals. He was laughing and shaking his head and very "wtf?" about this and he looked at me at one point and said, "You're right. She's nuts. I want out."
That is great news. Encourage him to walk away now, the longer he is with her, the crazier her actions may get and her manipulating threats will probably escalate.
 
Old Yesterday, 10:39 AM
 
3,176 posts, read 1,388,062 times
Reputation: 2363
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
I don't really feel like there is much I can do, but I figured I'd toss this out here in case anyone else has any ideas.

My 17 year old son (18 in September) was skipping school, failing classes, and has dropped out. He's working on his GED. He is in a class that happens most afternoons, he's taken and passed 1 out of 4 of the subjects on the test and has the next scheduled tomorrow. He is one of those "smart with emotional/behavior issues" kids. But the real problem is that he seems to go off the rails whenever he's got a girl in his life. Last year he had a girlfriend but it didn't last long or go far, yet that's why he was skipping school...this year he started dating a girl last fall, after a strong start he flipped that switch and stopped caring about school.

None of that is actually my biggest worry. We have plans and things for him to get on his feet as an adult, and getting a GED as opposed to traditional graduation won't really affect it too much in the long run or big picture...

But this girlfriend. It's been non-stop drama since day one. Threats of self harm, both of them manipulating each other, they're on then they're off, they are cruel to one another one minute and shmoopy the next. This is his first sexual relationship. I don't necessarily object to him being in a sexual relationship at this age, but I have issues with it being with HER because despite having an implant, she's already tried to yank him around with a pregnancy scare twice now. She's been in and out of mental health facilities her entire life. And the idea of her actually getting pregnant? I would not trust her to care for a hamster, let alone a child.

The drama got so bad I finally banned her from my house. I'd had ENOUGH.

But today, my son's class was cancelled due to snow, and he just called me because my boyfriend came home from work to have lunch and busted him with Drama Girl in the living room. Knowing that my bf would tell, he called me first to admit what was going on. I can't say I'm shocked, I was a teenager once too. I let him know that I did not appreciate how taken advantage of I was feeling, that he sees fit to ignore the boundaries that I put in place for his best interests and mine. He says his girlfriend wants to talk to me, and I told him I didn't have time for it, I'm at work and I need to return to my desk. Really I just don't want to deal with her. She's a manipulator and I'm not even wanting to hear whatever she has to say.

It's getting to the point I really just cannot wait for my son to turn 18 and move out. I hate that, because I love my kid. I know things could be worse...he is not addicted to drugs, he is not violent, I've known teens who were way more difficult to live with than this. But I just feel like, since I don't have all kinds of money to send him off anywhere, we have no extended family who would take him in, and I can't afford to just quit my job and stay home to watch him...he's going to do whatever and there's nothing I can do but run out the clock on this.

There is only one trick I've got up my sleeve. And I don't like it.

Her family has threatened to throw her out, to withdraw their support of her, and she just wants them to let her have a home until she graduates in May. I believe she told them that my son was abusive to her, to make drama (since, well, she does that) and she ended up telling them that they broke up. As far as her parents know, the two of them aren't seeing one another, at all. This has not ever been true but she's been lying to them for about a month or so. And they are giving her the support she needs, but if they found out, she is sure they'd throw her out. I could threaten to "out" them to her parents if they break my rules. But that feels like being manipulative and I'm not sure I'd want to follow through on that threat. I don't actually think it's morally OK to throw out your kid before they have the minimum tools to be an adult (like getting through school somehow, whether by graduating or GED.) Even threatening to jeopardize a young person's living situation like this...sits ill with me. But it's the only leverage I can see.

*sigh*

I dunno.

Anybody got a suggestion?
Threaten them with marriage, 6 months renting, bills and on their own. They will become good friends

Debt is a great teacher.
 
Old Yesterday, 11:32 AM
 
Location: Colorado
10,776 posts, read 6,782,110 times
Reputation: 19302
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
Potshots aside, the job and GED stuff isnít off topic because they do factor in to a personís total self-image, and if heís able to feel good about himself because he feels like a capable, contributing person, heís less likely to LET himself get manipulated by a psycho.

All part of the painful growing-up process. Building blocks.
I get it...I just felt like I was getting dragged off into the weeds trying to explain how we have plans and things in place and progress happening and so on, for this, that, the other and the other thing... Like no really, he is not a total loss as teenagers go, this relationship IS really the main issue.

And I feel like people (especially those of us with lots of time served in the Relationships subforum maybe?) look at this as we would advise a grown adult...when it isn't really the same. Weren't we all teenagers? Did we forget how that felt? It's really confusing, the first times your feelings get all mixed up with somebody! It's hard to learn how to have and enforce healthy boundaries! It's EASY to make mistakes, and that's the prime age range to be making them. I made tons of stupid choices at that age! Heck I let my ex get his hooks in me at 18, and I spent another couple decades paying for that one. I'm hoping and trying to help my boy in that, if he's got to make mistakes (and sadly...he does...to learn...) let them just not be life-destroying ones that go on for years and years or permanently.

As for what made him feel that he wasn't worth better treatment... Honestly I just think that by the time he realized what he was dealing with, it was too late to EASILY just quit. He did not carefully evaluate her and then choose her. She asked him out, he was excited and jumped right in, and he's struggled since because she keeps him confused. She'll go from crazy or cruel behavior, to giving over the top love bombing, and so he'll go from being ready to end things, to "But she LOVES me! She just needs to get better! I can help her!" but he's learning, and he's growing.

And now it seems like it's over, but we'll see. I might ask him if I can see their texts, because if he says it is REALLY over, I want to know he's not just telling me what I want to hear. (I would NOT snoop his texts without his OK, I don't do that, but I might ASK him.) She has persuaded him to try and lie to me before, it just never lasts long because the minute she upsets him, he tells me the truth and then confides all his problems to me... He hates lying and being lied to anyhow, so he doesn't carry secrets well.
 
Old Yesterday, 12:42 PM
 
Location: Coastal Georgia
36,121 posts, read 44,281,218 times
Reputation: 59996
What makes you think, if he couldn’t hack it in high school, that college will be any better?
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