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Old 03-04-2019, 04:35 PM
 
Location: Colorado
10,775 posts, read 6,782,110 times
Reputation: 19301

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I don't really feel like there is much I can do, but I figured I'd toss this out here in case anyone else has any ideas.

My 17 year old son (18 in September) was skipping school, failing classes, and has dropped out. He's working on his GED. He is in a class that happens most afternoons, he's taken and passed 1 out of 4 of the subjects on the test and has the next scheduled tomorrow. He is one of those "smart with emotional/behavior issues" kids. But the real problem is that he seems to go off the rails whenever he's got a girl in his life. Last year he had a girlfriend but it didn't last long or go far, yet that's why he was skipping school...this year he started dating a girl last fall, after a strong start he flipped that switch and stopped caring about school.

None of that is actually my biggest worry. We have plans and things for him to get on his feet as an adult, and getting a GED as opposed to traditional graduation won't really affect it too much in the long run or big picture...

But this girlfriend. It's been non-stop drama since day one. Threats of self harm, both of them manipulating each other, they're on then they're off, they are cruel to one another one minute and shmoopy the next. This is his first sexual relationship. I don't necessarily object to him being in a sexual relationship at this age, but I have issues with it being with HER because despite having an implant, she's already tried to yank him around with a pregnancy scare twice now. She's been in and out of mental health facilities her entire life. And the idea of her actually getting pregnant? I would not trust her to care for a hamster, let alone a child.

The drama got so bad I finally banned her from my house. I'd had ENOUGH.

But today, my son's class was cancelled due to snow, and he just called me because my boyfriend came home from work to have lunch and busted him with Drama Girl in the living room. Knowing that my bf would tell, he called me first to admit what was going on. I can't say I'm shocked, I was a teenager once too. I let him know that I did not appreciate how taken advantage of I was feeling, that he sees fit to ignore the boundaries that I put in place for his best interests and mine. He says his girlfriend wants to talk to me, and I told him I didn't have time for it, I'm at work and I need to return to my desk. Really I just don't want to deal with her. She's a manipulator and I'm not even wanting to hear whatever she has to say.

It's getting to the point I really just cannot wait for my son to turn 18 and move out. I hate that, because I love my kid. I know things could be worse...he is not addicted to drugs, he is not violent, I've known teens who were way more difficult to live with than this. But I just feel like, since I don't have all kinds of money to send him off anywhere, we have no extended family who would take him in, and I can't afford to just quit my job and stay home to watch him...he's going to do whatever and there's nothing I can do but run out the clock on this.

There is only one trick I've got up my sleeve. And I don't like it.

Her family has threatened to throw her out, to withdraw their support of her, and she just wants them to let her have a home until she graduates in May. I believe she told them that my son was abusive to her, to make drama (since, well, she does that) and she ended up telling them that they broke up. As far as her parents know, the two of them aren't seeing one another, at all. This has not ever been true but she's been lying to them for about a month or so. And they are giving her the support she needs, but if they found out, she is sure they'd throw her out. I could threaten to "out" them to her parents if they break my rules. But that feels like being manipulative and I'm not sure I'd want to follow through on that threat. I don't actually think it's morally OK to throw out your kid before they have the minimum tools to be an adult (like getting through school somehow, whether by graduating or GED.) Even threatening to jeopardize a young person's living situation like this...sits ill with me. But it's the only leverage I can see.

*sigh*

I dunno.

Anybody got a suggestion?

 
Old 03-04-2019, 04:58 PM
 
13,049 posts, read 20,316,191 times
Reputation: 34821
I don't like it. You would make the girl pay the cost of your son breaking the rules. And, chances are strong he would then either ask you to take her in, or take off with her to be homeless together.

How long until your son earns his GED? I agree, it's wrong to send kids out to face the world until they are employable, either by a diploma or GED. And I don't see that you have many options except to wait it out, unfortunately. Under the circumstances, you might try sitting down with the young couple and try to come to some agreement as to what is acceptable. They aren't adults, but give them a chance to act as though they are. Then relax a bit and realize teen relationships are rarely for the long haul.
 
Old 03-04-2019, 05:02 PM
 
7,698 posts, read 3,213,890 times
Reputation: 10763
sounds like it’s time for some tough love. Your son must think you are easy. Tell him if he can’t follow the rules he can move out.
 
Old 03-04-2019, 05:05 PM
 
1,067 posts, read 1,758,695 times
Reputation: 4401
Is therapy for your son an option? It seems he has this pattern with dramatic women that would be good to break now.

You’re in such a tough position. Forbidding the relationship just makes it that much more attractive but hoo boy you don’t want them getting pregnant. (Btw, he should be using a condom every time. She isn’t very trustworthy, is she?) I’d also remind your son that you’re done raising kids. If they get pregnant they’re on their own.

You could hold a hard line and forbid the relationship but you’d have to be willing to kick him out if he breaks the agreement. I think ratting her out isn’t the way to go-she can play the victim even more.

Waiting it out may be your only option. I’m sorry.
 
Old 03-04-2019, 05:06 PM
 
Location: Orlando
1,904 posts, read 2,521,868 times
Reputation: 7067
Implant, schmimplant. If you don't trust this girl about anything else, why would you believe her when she says she has a birth control implant? The chances of your son getting this girl pregnant and being stuck paying child support for 18 years are very very high.

Look, as long as he's infatuated with her, you're not going to get him to stop seeing her. You might as well accept that reality. You can't enforce the ban on her entering the house while you're not home. But you can impose a ban on her coming into the house while you are home -- you just don't want to see her or talk to her, and it's your house. That seems reasonable to me.

If he were my son, I'd buy him a case of condoms and insist that he use them. Let him know that you won't contribute to child support, if he gets her pregnant. If in fact she does claim to be pregnant, he should insist on a DNA test to be sure that he is the father.

With any luck, he'll get tired of her drama before that happens.
 
Old 03-04-2019, 05:08 PM
 
Location: NE Mississippi
12,709 posts, read 8,047,415 times
Reputation: 18499
I think I would knock down all the secrecy doors and tell everyone everything.
Take it upon yourself to get to know her parents and engage in running dialogue reporting everything that is said to you and everything you say to both kids. What they are doing is using a barrier that they built themselves to keep everyone from talking. So tear it down. You will be AMAZED at what Drama Queen has said about you and they will be AMAZED when they get to know the person you are.
And you may even find out a few things about Sonny.
 
Old 03-04-2019, 05:17 PM
 
2,077 posts, read 760,828 times
Reputation: 4047
"Anybody got a suggestion?"

1. first, thank you for being supremely honest. lots of other posters leave out lots of stuff. apparently, you did not.
2. since she is "bad news" you might give your smart with emotional/behavior issues son one last chance to realize that.
3. endure until 18, then, if nothing changes, wish them well when you escort them out of your house.
 
Old 03-04-2019, 05:35 PM
 
Location: Colorado
10,775 posts, read 6,782,110 times
Reputation: 19301
Quote:
Originally Posted by reebo View Post
Is therapy for your son an option? It seems he has this pattern with dramatic women that would be good to break now.

Youíre in such a tough position. Forbidding the relationship just makes it that much more attractive but hoo boy you donít want them getting pregnant. (Btw, he should be using a condom every time. She isnít very trustworthy, is she?) Iíd also remind your son that youíre done raising kids. If they get pregnant theyíre on their own.

You could hold a hard line and forbid the relationship but youíd have to be willing to kick him out if he breaks the agreement. I think ratting her out isnít the way to go-she can play the victim even more.

Waiting it out may be your only option. Iím sorry.
He is in therapy.

They tried to tell me she had a "latex allergy." I bought non-latex condoms. No excuses! I've made sure he stays stocked with those, but I'm not in...uh...any position to um...make SURE that they use them...

I have really hammered into his head, that's the only method he can take responsibility for doing. That given her recent behavior (the pregnancy threats, which came first with "I will abort your child" and later with "I will keep it and make sure I take every penny you ever get" when she was feeling spiteful) he should really not be having sex with her at all. I am not the kind of parent who expects my son to wait until marriage, but I always told him to hold off for someone he could trust.

Thing is they both have been nasty to each other, he can be jealous and controlling, but she is better at the game of manipulating people. Neither is innocent and the relationship is bad for them both. The ONLY good thing I see is that he has been learning and growing a lot as a person since they got together and I hope in the future, after this ends (hopefully without kids!) he will be more careful about who he gets involved with and emotionally invested in.

Teachable moments are everywhere and always.

The only thing that tempts me to talk to her parents, is that I don't honestly know if they WOULD kick her out or not.

I have no intention of raising any grandkids. Both of my sons know this. I had no family support when I was young and struggling, so I know it's possible to make it...it just REALLY SUCKS is all. I would like to be there for my sons but there are limits. Babies...that's a limit.

I can't really put him out until he's 18 in September. He actually would like to be moved out before then if he can, for obvious "then I can do whatever I want, because being a grown up is all about doing whatever you want!" reasons.

KIDS I SWEAR. Sometimes I wanna laugh and cry at the same time.
 
Old 03-04-2019, 07:24 PM
 
8,537 posts, read 3,342,218 times
Reputation: 21850
I don't see your son as being all that much of a problem. You say he's not into drugs (which I'm not sure of, not sure how you know that).

He's working on his GED. You don't say anything about his father, but you have a boyfriend, so his dad is not in the home.

You dislike her a lot, but apparently she's still in school and will graduate in May, and her parents have forbidden her seeing your son. So that's their perspective.

He's you son, for heaven's sake. He's not perfect, but he's not the worst son I've ever heard of.

He could really use some unconditional love and support, IMHO.

Been there, done that, raised 3 sons and wasn't proud of them every phase of their lives. They're all doing great now as adults.

I really don't understand the desire to "put him out" when he's 18. It seems you've never experienced fierce parental love, so maybe since it hasn't been modeled for you, you don't understand how powerful it is.
 
Old 03-04-2019, 09:44 PM
 
Location: NE Mississippi
12,709 posts, read 8,047,415 times
Reputation: 18499
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
................The only thing that tempts me to talk to her parents, ...........
That's the problem. Right there. You are not talking to the parents of the girl your son is sleeping with. That puts the kids solidly in control. They can tell you anything they want.
It's like "Twilight Zone" where they control the picture.
It will not improve until you step up to the plate and talk to the other parents.
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