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Old 03-19-2019, 09:01 PM
 
Location: Forest Service Cabin 90% of the yr
83 posts, read 17,943 times
Reputation: 96

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dubbs02, I've been praying for you. You seem so stable despite what you are going through. That would drive me NUTS. Hang in there, so proud of you.
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Old 03-20-2019, 08:50 AM
 
16,388 posts, read 14,112,199 times
Reputation: 36770
OP, my best advice to you is to not repeat the cycle of the dysfunctional adult relationships in your family. Your mother chose to have unprotected sex with the man who is your father, then proceeded into a sloppy life of multiple relationships and multiple kids by multiple men, at least one of them abusive. She was wrong to put her own selfish need for sex/romance before her kids.

Be smarter than that when the time comes.
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Old 03-20-2019, 06:28 PM
 
598 posts, read 175,116 times
Reputation: 1299
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa View Post
OP, my best advice to you is to not repeat the cycle of the dysfunctional adult relationships in your family. Your mother chose to have unprotected sex with the man who is your father, then proceeded into a sloppy life of multiple relationships and multiple kids by multiple men, at least one of them abusive. She was wrong to put her own selfish need for sex/romance before her kids.

Be smarter than that when the time comes.
Kind of a rough thing to say. Okay, a mother had a baby without marrying the father. Many women do this. She isn't the first, and certainly, not the last. She sounds like she is doing the best that she can.

As for "She was wrong to put her own selfish need for sex/romance before her kids." She may not be able to exist economically without a partner. She seems to be looking for a financial lifesaver.

Not saying any of this is ideal. Certainly not, but I wouldn't be so quick to give mom a scarlet letter.

OP, my advice stands: help your mom around the house and make a plan to leave. I know your mom said she would leave this guy for you. However, your mom has emotional and financial needs. You are old enough not to put her in this position where she has to leave. You should be smart enough not to repeat her mistakes.
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Old 03-20-2019, 06:33 PM
 
Location: Texas
43,106 posts, read 51,662,119 times
Reputation: 69461
Hey, dubbs.
I'm sorry this is happening.
No kid deserves this crap.

Can you go live with your dad?

Is there anywhere safe for you?
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Old 03-22-2019, 11:27 AM
 
16,388 posts, read 14,112,199 times
Reputation: 36770
Quote:
Originally Posted by YorktownGal View Post
Kind of a rough thing to say. Okay, a mother had a baby without marrying the father.
You forgot to add, the mother had a baby without being in ANY KIND OF relationship with the father. OP says he has never met him. That's not less than ideal. That's dysfunctional. OP also reports that his mom was 16 and sleeping with a full grown man in his 20s. What was HER mother thinking?

You cannot deny that this is a cycle that needs breaking.

Last edited by zentropa; 03-22-2019 at 11:39 AM..
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Old 03-22-2019, 12:24 PM
 
Location: NJ
10,182 posts, read 20,946,583 times
Reputation: 7903
Quote:
Originally Posted by dubbs02 View Post
Ive come here to ask any other parents who are willing to respond to this what they would do if they were I (im 16) or my mother.
Some background: My current stepdad is actually an old highschool boyfriend of my moms and they were separated when my grandmother moved taking my mom who was 16 (he was 20) with her. They got back together when my mom left my 1st stepdad (hes actually the one who raised me with my mom and from now on will be referred to as my dad, ive never met my real dad) anyways, they got back together after my mom divorced my dad in 2013. I initially met him when we moved to the town where we live now. He was okay at first. Then my dad filed for divorce and my brother and sister and I had to go back to live with him. I ended up living with my grandparents until my grandmother passed and then my grandfather and I moved in with him. I moved back in with my mom in 2015 and I cant stand my stepdad.

I love my mom very much please don't misread me and she's been nothing but good to me. For the past 3 years my stepdad has said nothing but negative things to me about me. Things like "you cant do anything right", "stop wasting my time", "you break everything you touch" etc. Now we dont even speak to eachother, and he always tries to find something to get me in trouble. I stay in my room most of the time practicing and learning about music. But because im always in my room he complains about "he doesnt do anything" but if someone repeatedly told you that youre not worth their time or you never do anything right you wouldnt want to do anything for them either. The other day when i was using the restroom one of the little ones (3 of them who are his) wanted to use it. So I said alright, and went out, when i opened the door my stepdad was right there not like waiting for me or anything but he was there, and on my way out he looked at me and said with an attitude "what were you doing in the bathroom" and I responded with "why do you care" I didnt say it with like a snobby attitude that we hear in our heads when we read that but more like a "leave me alone" sort of tone. Then he said "excuse you" and got up in my face, said "gimme those" and took the headphones i was wearing off of my neck. Then he said "wheres your phone" and I told him "i dont know just leave me alon" when it was in my pocket. So he goes into my room and shuffles my bed looking for it and im in the entryway (my rooms by the front door) and he comes out and says it again,"wheres your phone" and i said its on me and he corners me and gets in my face and tries to reach into my pocket, I pushed him away cuz i was literally in a corner and then he rushed me with his hands on my throat trying to lift me up off the ground and me tryna get away, i did and he chased me into my room doing the same thing. Then when i got away again he had ripped my shirt off of me and then my mom got involved. Then I was blamed for starting it.

I havent come to complain or whine to you (evidently I am anyway because I have alot of anger toward him) but to look for answers and so far i havent found anything from any other website or forum where the circumstances are similar. Anyone who has any ideas please tell me.
I have 2 kids from another marriage; my hub (of almost 20 years) has pretty much raised my 2 kids. It is not an ideal situation; very hard having a step parent try to parent. Thankfully my son was older but my daughter was 6. She's like oil and water with him.

Being I'm in a similar situation; I'd bet there is more to this then what you're telling us. Your step father says you don't do anything; what does he mean by that? Do you clean your room? Do you have any chores or does your mother do everything?

While you tell us that you didn't have an attitude, I'd be shocked if your step father didn't hear one coming from your reply. What is the back story with you two? Why does he feel the way he does about you? Have you ever tried to hit him back?

If you were really using the bathroom when your siblings needed to use it, why did you get out so quick? Don't you have a right to use it too?

Him putting his hands on you is not right. You may want to discuss with your mother that you're prepared to go to the police station the next time he touches you.
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Old 03-22-2019, 01:31 PM
 
12 posts, read 4,174 times
Reputation: 56
Yeah what's the backstory ?

Do you clean your room ?

Do you do any chores around the house ?
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Old 03-23-2019, 04:08 AM
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
18,289 posts, read 22,719,590 times
Reputation: 47676
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marv55 View Post
So your dad wanted to take away your phone because you had an attitude and you wouldn't give it to him, and now you want to play victim ?

How about not having an attitude when you talk to someone ? How about talking like an adult, since you want to be one so bad ?

How about giving him the phone next time he asks for it ?


What am I missing here ?



Your the one who wanted to escalate the situation by not giving him the phone .. What did you think was going to happen ? He was going to just go away ?
What are you missing, Marv? Why just about everything, it seems.

1. He is NOT "her dad".

2. Did you read the post? The man has a pattern of putting her down, criticizing her, and generally going about the business of attempting to make her life a living hell. He is obviously an sadistic brute.

3. What part of "going for her throat" and "ripping off her shirt" strikes you as normal and mature or acceptable?

4. He does not harass his OWN children. He has targeted her.

I feel nothing but compassion for the OP. I think they should file a police report and contact a domestic advocacy program. The OP should not have to leave their home. The ABUSIVE ANGRY poor excuse of a man should.

5. This teen annoys and angers this horrible man BY EXISTING.

I've said it before and It before and I will say it again - the paramours of parents should be home have to go through a background check, there should be a home study, with follow ups and unannounced visits, until it has been established that this unrelated adult is safe and not threatening with other people's minor children.

Sadly, the most unsafe place for a minor child in the US, is in their own home - when an unrelated adult, usually mom or dad's current SO lives there.
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Old 03-24-2019, 08:25 PM
 
598 posts, read 175,116 times
Reputation: 1299
Quote:
Originally Posted by sheena12 View Post
What are you missing, Marv? Why just about everything, it seems.

1. He is NOT "her dad".

2. Did you read the post? The man has a pattern of putting her down, criticizing her, and generally going about the business of attempting to make her life a living hell. He is obviously an sadistic brute.

3. What part of "going for her throat" and "ripping off her shirt" strikes you as normal and mature or acceptable?

4. He does not harass his OWN children. He has targeted her.

I feel nothing but compassion for the OP. I think they should file a police report and contact a domestic advocacy program. The OP should not have to leave their home. The ABUSIVE ANGRY poor excuse of a man should.

5. This teen annoys and angers this horrible man BY EXISTING.

I've said it before and It before and I will say it again - the paramours of parents should be home have to go through a background check, there should be a home study, with follow ups and unannounced visits, until it has been established that this unrelated adult is safe and not threatening with other people's minor children.

Sadly, the most unsafe place for a minor child in the US, is in their own home - when an unrelated adult, usually mom or dad's current SO lives there.
Sorry, I assumed OP was a teenage boy.
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Old 03-25-2019, 10:21 PM
 
3,943 posts, read 3,606,027 times
Reputation: 10586
Quote:
Originally Posted by sheena12 View Post
What are you missing, Marv? Why just about everything, it seems.

1. He is NOT "her dad".

2. Did you read the post? The man has a pattern of putting her down, criticizing her, and generally going about the business of attempting to make her life a living hell. He is obviously an sadistic brute.

3. What part of "going for her throat" and "ripping off her shirt" strikes you as normal and mature or acceptable?

4. He does not harass his OWN children. He has targeted her.

I feel nothing but compassion for the OP. I think they should file a police report and contact a domestic advocacy program. The OP should not have to leave their home. The ABUSIVE ANGRY poor excuse of a man should.

5. This teen annoys and angers this horrible man BY EXISTING.

I've said it before and It before and I will say it again - the paramours of parents should be home have to go through a background check, there should be a home study, with follow ups and unannounced visits, until it has been established that this unrelated adult is safe and not threatening with other people's minor children.

Sadly, the most unsafe place for a minor child in the US, is in their own home - when an unrelated adult, usually mom or dad's current SO lives there.
It's not mom OR DAD'S current SO who puts the child at risk. It is a MAN living with a child who is the child of his woman's previous man. It is a MAN living with a child who is not his child. When was the last time you heard of a stepmother killing her husband's child from a previous relationship?
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