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Old 03-16-2019, 09:51 PM
 
6,049 posts, read 1,745,507 times
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This is something that never gets discussed much. Once upon a time, children who were "handicapped" or "disabled" tended to be institutionalized. Nowadays parents are expected to care for them no matter how it damages the family.

May I Cut My Daughter Out of My Life?
By Kwame Anthony Appiah

I am the parent of a high school student with multiple issues... Nearly two decades of this has battered our marriage and careers... Having lost the middle chunk of my life to chaos and misery, am I really condemned to live this way until I die?

For the whole Q&A:
https://www.nytimes.com/2019/01/08/m...f-my-life.html
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Old 03-16-2019, 09:54 PM
 
10,180 posts, read 8,104,797 times
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Hit the NYT paywall, can you summarize? Thanks.
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Old 03-17-2019, 08:53 PM
 
Location: North Dakota
7,478 posts, read 8,679,893 times
Reputation: 10367
It would be nice to know what the issue actually is. The article is very vague.
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Old 03-17-2019, 09:06 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
41,267 posts, read 39,964,594 times
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I didn't find it vague at all. The mother feels like she is being held hostage by her daughter, who has autism, learning disability and a severe mood disorder. She can mostly function throughout the day but lets it all go and rages while at home in the evenings with hourslong tantrums that have led neighbors to call the police multiple times.

Even when the daughter becomes of age, the state where she lives requires that she will always be a ward of her parents and so her mom feels hopeless about her own future after 20 years of dealing with this.

It's an advice column, not an article. The mom was asking the columnist if it would really be that bad if she just disappeared one day and left her daughter to fend for herself.
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Old 03-17-2019, 11:08 PM
Status: "I don't have to agree." (set 16 days ago)
 
Location: Texas
8,311 posts, read 3,121,681 times
Reputation: 17471
That is a hardship but it's also very sad to put the child into an institution where they could be abused, raped, etcetera and would be cast out of the family.

But I can't read the article unless I pay to subscribe and I'd rather not do that.

I did have a relative with issues and his parents were lifelong caregivers. But at one point they did put him in an institution. But they couldn't agree on keeping him there and his father returned to get him back. They were caregiving well into their old age.
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Old 03-18-2019, 05:01 AM
 
Location: Forest Service Cabin 90% of the yr
49 posts, read 4,983 times
Reputation: 49
This is rough! I feel for these folks.

While she's a minor, she needs evaluated by the Regional Center for services.

They can really assist a lot if she does this prior to the girl turning 18.

After 18, she will never qualify. Diagnosis must be made while she's a minor.

Part of these supports is having support for this girl to live independently as all adults would.
Whether that is in a group situation, a host family, etc...

Federal Law via the Lanternman Act, established Regional Centers which are require to provide supports.

God bless these parents

Last edited by FrugalFox.; 03-18-2019 at 05:14 AM..
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Old 03-18-2019, 06:14 AM
 
5,273 posts, read 5,114,374 times
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Truly terrible for all involved.
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Old 03-18-2019, 06:36 AM
 
3,833 posts, read 3,555,985 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla View Post
That is a hardship but it's also very sad to put the child into an institution where they could be abused, raped, etcetera and would be cast out of the family.

But I can't read the article unless I pay to subscribe and I'd rather not do that.

I did have a relative with issues and his parents were lifelong caregivers. But at one point they did put him in an institution. But they couldn't agree on keeping him there and his father returned to get him back. They were caregiving well into their old age.
You can read the article if you use incognito mode
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Old 03-18-2019, 06:39 AM
 
3,833 posts, read 3,555,985 times
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There but for the grace of God could have gone any of us. What do you do when you have a child who cannot become independent, who is ruining your life? Group home is the answer. And the planning for all of this should have begun by the time the child was entering high school, if not earlier.
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Old 03-18-2019, 06:55 AM
 
Location: Central CT, sometimes NH.
3,349 posts, read 5,028,179 times
Reputation: 3227
Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist View Post
There but for the grace of God could have gone any of us. What do you do when you have a child who cannot become independent, who is ruining your life? Group home is the answer. And the planning for all of this should have begun by the time the child was entering high school, if not earlier.
Unfortunately there are many road blocks along the way. The number of people needing supervised housing, monitoring of meds, and support programs is far larger than the number of facilities and resources available. Many of the laws put in place for protection of individuals are major road blocks to the families who are largely responsible for caring for individuals such as the child of the mother the OP referenced. The number of individuals with autism, bipolar, and similar challenges is significant. Our social services and medical system is not sufficient to provide the support necessary. Many families lack the financial resources to pay for all the services necessary to support a child with significant issues. However, this does not change the fact that at some point as an adult the disabled individual will be on their own.

There are solutions but they require a significant level of public/private cooperation and changes to some laws that ironically restrict housing options for people needing supports.
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