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Old 04-08-2019, 04:57 PM
 
6,135 posts, read 1,125,336 times
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Everyone's story and motives are not exactly the same as anyone else's, but for anyone contemplating a move with children over the age of eight or so, I would advise them to please take the concerns of the children very, very seriously.

My parents moved me from Ohio to California when I was nine, and I resented it very much until I was about sixteen; and even now, about sixty years later, I still resent the fact they moved me to some degree. And even though we thoroughly discussed our reasons thoroughly with our own kids when we moved from suburban Denver to rural Maine in 2004 when they were ten and twelve, and we tried to make it as easy for them as possible, in hindsight (always 20/20), it was the wrong move for all of us. We ended up moving back to Denver in 2007, btw, (The reason for both moves was connected to my husband's employment.)

Anyway, to repeat, I would advise everyone who is considering a major move to take their kids' concerns about the move (if they have any) VERY seriously and to make sure that the reasons for the move are very good and solid.

P.S. Btw, my husband was a "military brat" who resented all the moves when he was a kid, and he still does. I think that some kids thrive and benefit from being exposed to different experiences in different regions, but that some don't.
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Old Yesterday, 04:57 PM
 
8,867 posts, read 13,054,441 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bshc2000 View Post
Looking for tips or advice on how to deal with two teenagers who are against relocating to another state.

Condensed background (as best as I can):

My girls (14 and 15) do not want to move. I have the opportunity to move and remarry in central NY. My girls' bio-father (we got married right out of high school) remarried in 2013 and has had nothing to do with them since 2014. We were divorced in 2006. Their ex step-father and I divorced in 2017. Believe me, my intent was never for that to happen. However, their step-father became violent in the home. It was a slow progression but he put us through misery and we were often fearful of him in the home. While he never physically hit me he did intimidate with his size, destruction of our marital home, and insane fits of rage that led me to call the police twice. At that point I had realized that whether or not I wanted to be divorced, again, I had to protect myself and my children.

My oldest sees her ex step-father maybe once a month. She calls and talks to him regularly. My youngest is very bitter due to how we were treated and wants nothing to do with him.

Since the divorce it has been a struggle for me and for them. Especially due to the abandonment they feel from both men. I've offered to reach out to their bio dad and both are adamant against it. For me it has been a struggle juggling life I suppose. My youngest is involved in competitive sports and that requires an enormous amount of time away from the home. My oldest is just floating on a breeze. She's become consumed with her boyfriend and frankly doesn't seem to be interested in much else. The daily anxiety I feel just trying to "make ends meet" is overwhelming. Our lives were completely turned upside down. Our way of living has changed exponentially.

With that being said, I did meet an amazing person who went through a similar situation (how we met). We've dated long distance and ultimately we would like to be together. Him moving is not possible. He owns a company and simply cannot relocate. At this point the topic of moving has come up several times.

Economically this would be a smart move for me. Employment would not be an issue. Stability would be regained and a personal feeling of fulfillment would take place. My plan was never to stay here and talks of moving west had happened before but now that things could take fruition…panic from my daughters.

I see several advantages to moving but I'm also not blind to the concerns of my teenagers. From a competitive sports capacity, my daughter would be eligible to participate with two very high ranking programs, hopefully giving her an advantage that she might not have here. The school atmosphere would be smaller, which I think could be quite helpful and beneficial. My oldest could still enjoy her hobbies, the few she has, although not through the school but through private clubs.

The bottom line for them is leaving their friends. And I do get how hard that could be. I would completely support either of them returning to Michigan for college and traveling to/from several times a month would not be an issue. Financially this would be possible. I'm definitely feeling torn between staying for them and regretting it for myself as soon as they are done with school, or, going forward doing my best to help the transition while hoping their anger would subside and they'd be open to a new opportunity.

I'm open to any advice, suggestions, or personal experience to help!
Where do you live now?

There isn’t much in central NY ...
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Old Today, 04:25 AM
 
5,596 posts, read 3,144,447 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
Something else to be aware of: Should you move into this man's house before marrying him, it may not be easy to enroll your children in school. We ran into that issue when we made our big move. We lived in corporate housing for several months while house hunting, so nothing was in our name. The public schools required documentation that we were legal residents, via a mortgage statement, utility bill, etc, in our own name, and we didn't have it. We had to resort to private school for all of our kids until we actually purchased a home. What will you have to prove residency?
Just as an aside I found it easy to get around this problem.

You can make up your own “lease”, and get a cell phone or other bill changed to that address.
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Old Today, 04:44 AM
 
873 posts, read 1,016,421 times
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I hope your daughters are seeing a good counselor. Sincerely, that is not meant to be snark. They’ve had a massive amount of upheaval in their lives and no positive male role models- which would explain why the oldest is so wrapped up in her boyfriend. They need a lot of help if they’re going to be able to find and maintain positive, loving, stable relationships.

They need stability. They do NOT need a large move taking them away from the only stability they currently have.

4 years is not long to wait. You mentioned opportunities for your youngest, but you weren’t willing to move until there was a man involved. I know that’s not what the you want to hear because we are a “take care of yourself” society. But if you stay (and get counselors) your choosing your girls. If you go, you’re being selfish and choosing yourself. Please choose them, they are at such a crucial age for girls and deserve someone willing to put them first.
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