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Old Yesterday, 02:23 PM
 
Location: Denver 'burbs
21,513 posts, read 22,696,265 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnotherTouchOfWhimsy View Post
Your youngest is 14. In just four short years, you can pack up and move across the country and marry and divorce and remarry whomever you want. If there wasn't already so much turmoil, my answer might be different, but given the current and past situations, I think that if you want to have any type of long-lasting relationships with your kids in the later years, you should stay where you are and put off your fulfillment for a few years to give them some stability.
This.
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Old Yesterday, 02:24 PM
 
15 posts, read 1,763 times
Reputation: 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sassybluesy View Post
How long have you known this guy you're thinking of moving for? Does your BF have children of his own? If so, will all of you be under the same roof? Have your daughters met this guy? What do they think of him?


Honestly...I think there are lots of reasons to wait before moving in with this guy. I understand your eagerness to be with him...but you'll be putting yourself, and more importantly, your daughters through a lot of unnecessary instability. I notice it's not like he's proposed marriage right? But YOU are supposed to move away from everything you know for him. It CAN be a recipe for trouble.


And realistically...you are NOT going to "be there" to the same extent for your girls, as you are now, because you'll be in a new relationship. You can say you will be...but IMO, you won't be able to do it really. And the 3 of you will be sharing HIS space...and depending on how great a guy he really is...there's going to be all kinds of adjustments that will need to be made, and it's going to be traumatic on ALL of you.
Certainly, fair questions. Yes, he does have children of his own. All children have met, on several occasions as we visit back and forth and have vacationed several times together.

They like him. They do not see him or look to him as a father figure as that was never the intent. They think he treats me, and them, very kindly and are at ease around him due to his more subdued demeanor.

Yes, the children would reside together. He has joint custody of his children.

No, he has not proposed marriage. I've addressed these exact issues with him and he is sensitive and understanding of the situation. Just as I wouldn't move arbitrarily to "date" someone, I also would not accept a marriage proposal if it was impossible to do so. I was simply asking advice.

There are advantages for the move regarding me "being" there for them that are not apparent and I didn't see the need to get into. However, while I 100% fully agree there would be adjustments I would be available on a level that I have been unable to be for quite some time simply because my employment situation would be changing and my time would not be split as it is due to the high demand of my youngest athletic schedule.

But I see what your point is in that I would be pulled in different directions.
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Old Yesterday, 02:33 PM
 
15 posts, read 1,763 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LieslMet View Post
What if that's what your daughters are doing now, against you about this move?
Then I will listen to them; as I have. However, they are still just children. I do have to consider other things that they wish to accomplish and other things that they could achieve, not specific to their current town.

I'd much rather have them voice their opinion. Which is exactly why i'm searching for advice. I'm not just yanking them.
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Old Yesterday, 02:37 PM
 
15 posts, read 1,763 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marv55 View Post
Make the Move !

we had a 14 year old that didn't want to move. we did. she is fine, has BETTER friends, new better BF, life goes on just fine. They adapt surprisingly easy.

We also found out her best friend forever, was a bully and mean to her anyway .... and to think we almost didn't move because she didn't want to leave her friends ...

I think they are just more afraid of the unknown change than anything, and grasp onto their friends as an excuse ..
Part of the draw for me is the opportunity to get away from some of the things you mentioned. Their school here is large and prone to enormous amounts of drama, none of which my girls care for. They do however, in general, like their school.

My youngest is the most open to going. She just wants to compete as an athlete. Wherever she can go to do that she is okay. She's voiced that she'd miss her friends but she makes them easily and there are other things she has mentioned being remotely excited about.

My oldest is interested in some things that that area is known for (agriculture, etc). They have several programs that she would likely enjoy and I like to believe she'd make friends with similar interests, which she doesn't seem to have many of here.
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Old Yesterday, 02:37 PM
 
5,441 posts, read 1,930,235 times
Reputation: 12774
Quote:
Originally Posted by bshc2000 View Post
Certainly, fair questions. Yes, he does have children of his own. All children have met, on several occasions as we visit back and forth and have vacationed several times together.

They like him. They do not see him or look to him as a father figure as that was never the intent. They think he treats me, and them, very kindly and are at ease around him due to his more subdued demeanor.

Yes, the children would reside together. He has joint custody of his children.

No, he has not proposed marriage. I've addressed these exact issues with him and he is sensitive and understanding of the situation. Just as I wouldn't move arbitrarily to "date" someone, I also would not accept a marriage proposal if it was impossible to do so. I was simply asking advice.

There are advantages for the move regarding me "being" there for them that are not apparent and I didn't see the need to get into. However, while I 100% fully agree there would be adjustments I would be available on a level that I have been unable to be for quite some time simply because my employment situation would be changing and my time would not be split as it is due to the high demand of my youngest athletic schedule.

But I see what your point is in that I would be pulled in different directions.


You WOULD be pulled in different directions. AND you would be a step mom. You will have to take THEIR feelings, insecurities, and possible jealousies into account, as well as your own children's. YOUR kids are going to be very needy for a time. Will you have the ability to deal with that? That will pull you in a different direction too. And even if all the kids get along...will they have adequate space to themselves?


It's one thing that everyone gets along while on vacation. That's great. Sincerely...that's great. What happens when the 'new' wears off, and real life settles in?


I don't know...it's one thing when families HAVE to uproot and settle somewhere else. My parents had to do that...and it was hard on us kids...but hey, we survived. And we understood that these decisions had to be made for financial reasons. But I was terribly homesick, and I had no friends, in a new school, in a new state, (and then ANOTHER new school in a new state) for at least a year. BUT I had my parents. They were my security when everything else felt like a storm in my life. Will you be able to be that rock, that your girls are going to need?
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Old Yesterday, 02:41 PM
 
3,662 posts, read 2,364,793 times
Reputation: 7633
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnotherTouchOfWhimsy View Post
Your youngest is 14. In just four short years, you can pack up and move across the country and marry and divorce and remarry whomever you want. If there wasn't already so much turmoil, my answer might be different, but given the current and past situations, I think that if you want to have any type of long-lasting relationships with your kids in the later years, you should stay where you are and put off your fulfillment for a few years to give them some stability.

Agree.
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Old Yesterday, 02:44 PM
 
15 posts, read 1,763 times
Reputation: 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by LieslMet View Post
Thanks for the correction. I misread.

The abusive ex isn't their father but is hopefully taking meds as prescribed so you're okay sending her there, even though he was abusive to her and she feared him? But the younger one still does?
He is not their father. He is the one my oldest daughter looks to as her father figure as we married when they were both young.

I understand the alarm regarding her being in his care. If there was ever a moment I thought it wasn't appropriate I would not let her go. He did not abuse her. It is far too long of a history to try and explain but counselors (hers and mine) all agree that maintaining a relationship, if she so chooses, is okay and healthy. She sees his regret from past mistakes in the marriage and he's done his best to make it right with her. That's all I can ask for.
They talk regularly but only see each other approx once a month. She's content with this.

My youngest does not wish to visit him and so she does not go.
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Old Yesterday, 02:53 PM
 
15 posts, read 1,763 times
Reputation: 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sassybluesy View Post
You WOULD be pulled in different directions. AND you would be a step mom. You will have to take THEIR feelings, insecurities, and possible jealousies into account, as well as your own children's. YOUR kids are going to be very needy for a time. Will you have the ability to deal with that? That will pull you in a different direction too. And even if all the kids get along...will they have adequate space to themselves?


It's one thing that everyone gets along while on vacation. That's great. Sincerely...that's great. What happens when the 'new' wears off, and real life settles in?


I don't know...it's one thing when families HAVE to uproot and settle somewhere else. My parents had to do that...and it was hard on us kids...but hey, we survived. And we understood that these decisions had to be made for financial reasons. But I was terribly homesick, and I had no friends, in a new school, in a new state, (and then ANOTHER new school in a new state) for at least a year. BUT I had my parents. They were my security when everything else felt like a storm in my life. Will you be able to be that rock, that your girls are going to need?
Yes, I understand what you are saying. There would be a whole new set of issues and it wouldn't just be my children. I believe I have the ability to deal with that but I guess in truth one can never know.
Yes, they will have adequate space (more than enough). Bedrooms have already been made for both girls when we make trips there. All children have their own large rooms and are spaced out adequately. It was important for them to have their space when we stay for visits and so that was something that was willingly done. Even if we don't move that space will only add value to his home so he was happy to do so.

The kids do get along at home (both his and ours) but they do indeed need breaks from each other. His are younger and so they look up to my girls and while flattering it can be overwhelming. Thus, the need for the personal space.

Thank you for your insight on moving. I did not move at all as a child and so this is all new to me. I feel like I would be there for them just as I am now, especially in the beginning I would have the ability to not work for quite some time or only work while they are in school. But those are solid points you've made. Thank you.
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Old Yesterday, 04:29 PM
 
Location: NJ
10,062 posts, read 20,857,147 times
Reputation: 7687
How long have you dated the guy?

Why not do a trial move during the summer and see how being together every day works out?
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Old Yesterday, 04:31 PM
 
Location: Fort Lauderdale, Florida
8,661 posts, read 7,908,244 times
Reputation: 18528
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa View Post
Nope, you had two chances to give your daughters a stable family and failed both times. You are not entitled to a third until they are out of the house. Slow your roll, mom.
While this is blunt, this.

You have four years until your youngest is 18 and then you can do what you want.

Normally, I'd side with the parent but it seems your two girls have been with you in two difficult relationships.

Also, why isn't the bio dad paying child support?

You haven't said whether or not he was but you made mention that this would be better for you financially.

If bio dad isn't paying, take him to court. It doesn't cost a penny. File in family court.
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