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Old Yesterday, 04:40 PM
 
929 posts, read 250,512 times
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As a person that had to move a few times as a child, once at 15..... It is possible to make new friends. I didn't want to leave my old friends, and wouldn't have if the choice had been mine. I would probably be wanting to get the oldest away from the all consuming boyfriend, but she will eventually get another one elsewhere, so that is moot.

It seems to me that if you are going to move for this boyfriend of yours that you should get your own place for you and your daughters instead of moving in with him. I think it would be a good example to your daughters to show them you are being cautious and not just moving without a backup plan. Vacations and spending a little time here and there are different than living with someone and combining families.
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Old Yesterday, 04:46 PM
 
15 posts, read 1,763 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blueherons View Post
While this is blunt, this.

You have four years until your youngest is 18 and then you can do what you want.

Normally, I'd side with the parent but it seems your two girls have been with you in two difficult relationships.

Also, why isn't the bio dad paying child support?

You haven't said whether or not he was but you made mention that this would be better for you financially.

If bio dad isn't paying, take him to court. It doesn't cost a penny. File in family court.
I don't recall mentioning it would be better financially. Obviously there would be some benefit but minimal. Finances are not playing a role in the decision to move or stay.

Their bio dad is now on a disability so they do receive funds from him monthly which I do utilize to primarily pay for their extracurricular activities and braces (both have had extensive dental work done).I can make ends meet but to say they have the same quality of life is definitely a falsehood. And that has also had an impact... It takes me away from them to earn additional income.

I am familiar with the court process but there really is nothing else that can be done concerning bio dad.

The girls were very young when their dad split but yes it was a struggle when he completely disappeared.
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Old Yesterday, 04:56 PM
 
8,888 posts, read 3,445,837 times
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You say you wouldn't move there unless you were going to be marrying (I guess in the near future) but it seems he's not open to marrying, so maybe this is all a moot point?

I agree with those who say stay where you are for 4 years until the girls are out of the house - college, I guess?

All kids need to know they are a real priority with mom, and uprooting them against their will for a boyfriend doesn't make their interests a priority.
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Old Yesterday, 05:03 PM
 
15 posts, read 1,763 times
Reputation: 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by E-Twist View Post
As a person that had to move a few times as a child, once at 15..... It is possible to make new friends. I didn't want to leave my old friends, and wouldn't have if the choice had been mine. I would probably be wanting to get the oldest away from the all consuming boyfriend, but she will eventually get another one elsewhere, so that is moot.

It seems to me that if you are going to move for this boyfriend of yours that you should get your own place for you and your daughters instead of moving in with him. I think it would be a good example to your daughters to show them you are being cautious and not just moving without a backup plan. Vacations and spending a little time here and there are different than living with someone and combining families.
That was something that I initially considered. However, after going back and forth between our two homes it seems as though they would feel more displaced if another home was introduced.

It was also be near impossible for me to make that accommodation with my employment. Part of what I do is rather unpredictable so it would take me away from them more to make up the income difference.

I do have concerns with the all consuming boyfriend. She's very smart and has big dreams that are not in Michigan. However, I see the pull he's having and am seeing her give up things little by little.
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Old Yesterday, 05:07 PM
 
15 posts, read 1,763 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
You say you wouldn't move there unless you were going to be marrying (I guess in the near future) but it seems he's not open to marrying, so maybe this is all a moot point?

I agree with those who say stay where you are for 4 years until the girls are out of the house - college, I guess?

All kids need to know they are a real priority with mom, and uprooting them against their will for a boyfriend doesn't make their interests a priority.
He's 100% open to marrying. He's being respectful of the situation. I have zero hesitation that that is forthcoming.

He's sensitive to my situation. He'd like nothing more than for them to see that a relationship doesn't not have to be like it was. I was never a fighter, more set to make peace and try to solve issues. However, I had no inclination that hatred from my ex's youth would segway into our relationship and cause the issues that it did.

While I may have "failed" two times (not from your post I understand) it certainly wasn't due to lack of trying in the last one, on my part. And I'll admit I would like nothing more than for them to know that respect can exist in a relationship.
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Old Yesterday, 05:20 PM
 
13,060 posts, read 20,364,487 times
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I am in the "wait" column. We did move three kids, the oldest between his sophomore and junior year of high school, and even doing it as an intact family (huge promotion for my spouse), it was difficult. It was tough on the younger two also, but especially for the one in high school. Yes, they all made friends, and they appreciated the extras money can indeed buy, but all of us went through a long period of adjustment.

If you were getting married then I might feel differently, but the possibility of a long-term relationship doesn't quite check off the boxes for me. Your daughters have been through a lot of upheaval already. Please don't ask more of them.
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Old Yesterday, 05:20 PM
 
Location: Denver 'burbs
21,513 posts, read 22,696,265 times
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I moved several times due to my father's military career. I'd done it all my life and knew the drill - and had an intact family. As a teen it was still extremely difficult and wouldn't wish it on anyone. I very purposefully did not put my own children through it. In your case, these kids have had enough upheaval and drama already. If it's meant to be and if he's as great a guy as you indicate, he'll understand and respect you for putting your children first at this point. It also sets a good example for your daughters to not hastily (I don't think youve mentioned the length of this relationship) jump into things. They're at an age that tends to believe if they don't, it won't last and that "true love" needn't wait for anything. Misplaced romanticism. Show them otherwise.

Last edited by maciesmom; Yesterday at 05:52 PM..
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Old Yesterday, 05:45 PM
 
8,888 posts, read 3,445,837 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bshc2000 View Post
He's 100% open to marrying. He's being respectful of the situation. I have zero hesitation that that is forthcoming.

He's sensitive to my situation. He'd like nothing more than for them to see that a relationship doesn't not have to be like it was. I was never a fighter, more set to make peace and try to solve issues. However, I had no inclination that hatred from my ex's youth would segway into our relationship and cause the issues that it did.

While I may have "failed" two times (not from your post I understand) it certainly wasn't due to lack of trying in the last one, on my part. And I'll admit I would like nothing more than for them to know that respect can exist in a relationship.
In post #22 you state he has not proposed marriage - I'm confused?
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Old Yesterday, 06:05 PM
 
Location: One of those east cost liberal states
8,787 posts, read 5,048,771 times
Reputation: 14364
Quote:
Originally Posted by E-Twist View Post
As a person that had to move a few times as a child, once at 15..... It is possible to make new friends. I didn't want to leave my old friends, and wouldn't have if the choice had been mine. I would probably be wanting to get the oldest away from the all consuming boyfriend, but she will eventually get another one elsewhere, so that is moot.

It seems to me that if you are going to move for this boyfriend of yours that you should get your own place for you and your daughters instead of moving in with him. I think it would be a good example to your daughters to show them you are being cautious and not just moving without a backup plan. Vacations and spending a little time here and there are different than living with someone and combining families.
^^This. It sounds like they’ve experienced so much instability already; if you make this move, at very least keep the household dynamic (just you and them) the same, and give it some time before moving in with the new boyfriend. Moving as a teenager is one thing (it’s not ideal, but sometimes parents do what they need to do), but moving into someon else’s already established household is a lot more to process.

Last edited by Ginge McFantaPants; Yesterday at 06:13 PM..
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Old Yesterday, 06:07 PM
 
15 posts, read 1,763 times
Reputation: 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
In post #22 you state he has not proposed marriage - I'm confused?
Correct, as in he's not PROPOSED. However, he's spoken of it at great length. He will. That isn't a question. He knows the issues at hand. It's literally only a matter of time.

That's why I was seeking advice or suggestions or personal experiences before that, for my knowledge.
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