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Old Yesterday, 06:36 AM
 
Location: Pikeville, Ky.
13,522 posts, read 21,499,178 times
Reputation: 17861

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Sounds like your boy friend wants an affair, not marriage.
Have you met him in person? Has he ever met the girls?

You have never mentioned love.

If you and he are in love and both are ready to spend your lives together, then I really think you should both be willing to not uproot the girls until they are out of school.
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Old Yesterday, 08:25 AM
 
Location: NJ
10,078 posts, read 20,861,756 times
Reputation: 7702
Quote:
Originally Posted by emm74 View Post
A few people have asked, but how long have you known this man? You only got divorced in 2017, so presumably not all that long although I suppose you could have been involved before your last divorce.

Personally, I'm with those who say to wait another few years until your daughters are adults. If this relationship is really that good, it will survive that long. I know lots and lots of couples who had to make that kind of accommodation on behalf of their children, and your first obligation should be to them at this point, given what they've already had to go through.

And the unfortunate reality is that your track record of picking men isn't good - not the same thing as saying you worked hard at staying married, you just didn't pick great prospects to start with. This will give you more time to find out if this man is actually as good as you think he is.
It would be nice if she answered it and how much time have they spent together. I suggested she do a trial move in the summer to see what daily living would really be like with all of the kids. If it backfires, better to do so in the summer before switching schools. He would have to give her a letter to say they live with him. Been there and done that before I married my hub almost 20 years ago.
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Old Yesterday, 10:38 AM
 
Location: South Carolina
13,551 posts, read 18,295,711 times
Reputation: 23704
Op I think you are making the biggest mistake if you uproot yourself and the girls not truly knowing this man . why does he not want to move his business with the internet business can be done anywhere . Also have you had a background check done on this man ? if not then please do so , ( has anyone on here heard of dirty John ? remember how stupid that woman was and she did not even move in with him ) , not saying your stupid op but so much could go wrong and making a cross country trip to be with someone you don't even really know . In this day and age we cannot risk our lives or that of our familys lives by thinking we are in love with a stranger and really he is a stranger . I think if he were really all that interested In you he would be making the cross country move and going to you not the other way around which by the way sounds like an excuse to me . Im sorry if this is blunt but you have a bad track record with men .Kids are too important to be uprooting and going somewhere you don't even know . Sorry but I think you should stay put and if this man is really serious he would uproot for you and not the other way around . This whole thing sounds fishy to me on that male end . I had a friend who was interested in a man she met on the internet , he flew to her and they got to know each other over many years at least 4 that I can recall and it took him another year to get his affairs in order to move close to her and he paid for her to fly to him at certain times . For all you know this guy could be into drugs , a sex slave trader etc . I would not do it at all . You just don't know this guy at all . If it was me I would be finding a way to run a background check on him . No don't do this .
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Old Yesterday, 12:15 PM
 
415 posts, read 192,797 times
Reputation: 1098
Quote:
Originally Posted by phonelady61 View Post
OP, I think you are making the biggest mistake if you uproot yourself and the girls, not truly knowing this man.

Why does he not want to move his business? With the internet, business can be done anywhere. Also, have you had a background check done on this man? If not, then please do so. (Has anyone on here heard of Dirty John? Remember how stupid that woman was and she did not even move in with him!) I'm not saying you're stupid, OP, but so much could go wrong, making a cross-country trip to be with someone you don't even really know. In this day and age, we cannot risk our lives or those of our family's by thinking we are in love with a stranger. And really, he is a stranger.

I think if he were really all that interested in you, he would be making the cross country move and going to you, not the other way around. Which, by the way, sounds like an excuse to me.

I'm sorry if this is blunt but you have a bad track record with men. Kids are too important to be uprooting and going somewhere you don't even know. Sorry, but I think you should stay put. If this man is really serious, he would uproot for you and not the other way around. This whole thing sounds fishy to me, on that male end.

I had a friend who was interested in a man she met on the internet. He flew to her and they got to know each other over many years... at least 4 that I can recall. It took him another year to get his affairs in order to move close to her and he paid for her to fly to him at certain times.

For all you know, this guy could be into drugs or is a sex-slave trader. I would not do it at all. You just don't know this guy at all. If it was me, I would be finding a way to run a background check on him.

No. Don't do this .
Sorry, I had to organize it in a way I could read. Some good points made though.
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Old Yesterday, 12:17 PM
 
5,467 posts, read 1,934,488 times
Reputation: 12811
Quote:
Originally Posted by bshc2000 View Post
Yes, I understand what you are saying. There would be a whole new set of issues and it wouldn't just be my children. I believe I have the ability to deal with that but I guess in truth one can never know.
Yes, they will have adequate space (more than enough). Bedrooms have already been made for both girls when we make trips there. All children have their own large rooms and are spaced out adequately. It was important for them to have their space when we stay for visits and so that was something that was willingly done. Even if we don't move that space will only add value to his home so he was happy to do so.

The kids do get along at home (both his and ours) but they do indeed need breaks from each other. His are younger and so they look up to my girls and while flattering it can be overwhelming. Thus, the need for the personal space.

Thank you for your insight on moving. I did not move at all as a child and so this is all new to me. I feel like I would be there for them just as I am now, especially in the beginning I would have the ability to not work for quite some time or only work while they are in school. But those are solid points you've made. Thank you.

I will say this...I give your man kudos for adding on bedrooms to his house, for your daughters. It's a good sign (in my eyes) that he is thinking beyond his own wants and needs, and a true sign of his committment.
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Old Yesterday, 12:47 PM
 
5,467 posts, read 1,934,488 times
Reputation: 12811
Quote:
Originally Posted by phonelady61 View Post
Op I think you are making the biggest mistake if you uproot yourself and the girls not truly knowing this man . why does he not want to move his business with the internet business can be done anywhere . Also have you had a background check done on this man ? if not then please do so , ( has anyone on here heard of dirty John ? remember how stupid that woman was and she did not even move in with him ) , not saying your stupid op but so much could go wrong and making a cross country trip to be with someone you don't even really know . In this day and age we cannot risk our lives or that of our familys lives by thinking we are in love with a stranger and really he is a stranger . I think if he were really all that interested In you he would be making the cross country move and going to you not the other way around which by the way sounds like an excuse to me . Im sorry if this is blunt but you have a bad track record with men .Kids are too important to be uprooting and going somewhere you don't even know . Sorry but I think you should stay put and if this man is really serious he would uproot for you and not the other way around . This whole thing sounds fishy to me on that male end . I had a friend who was interested in a man she met on the internet , he flew to her and they got to know each other over many years at least 4 that I can recall and it took him another year to get his affairs in order to move close to her and he paid for her to fly to him at certain times . For all you know this guy could be into drugs , a sex slave trader etc . I would not do it at all . You just don't know this guy at all . If it was me I would be finding a way to run a background check on him . No don't do this .

She DOES know him, and they've spent time together, including all the kids. They've gone on vacations together and she and her girls have spent vacations at his house.


He's not a stranger to her at all.
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Old Yesterday, 01:57 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
75,907 posts, read 67,809,495 times
Reputation: 73047
OP, maybe I missed this in the thread, but why is the girls' bio-dad not paying child support? I think you can pursue that through the Social Security Admin, or other public service. I'm not sure how it works, but employed bio-dads can't skip out on helping to support their kids.
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Old Yesterday, 02:03 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
75,907 posts, read 67,809,495 times
Reputation: 73047
Quote:
Originally Posted by AlaskaAma View Post
I'm in agreement with those who say don't move. Even if your kids were 100% on board, this will be a difficult adjustment for them that they simply can't be entirely prepared for. I understand your motivation to show them a functional relationship, but honestly, the chances are very small that marriage #3 will stick. The divorce rate for third marriages is 73%. And while that is something you have some control over, not just a random chance, it's still a sobering statistic. Your girls have been through an awful lot of upheaval in their short lives, and they've been affected by it in ways that they probably can't even fully recognize or express. They need to know that they are your number one priority now, not a new relationship, even if they don't know that's what they need.

Good for you for taking time to consider this in advance and not rush into it. I hope you will take to heart the advice here and really put your kids' interests first.
I wouldn't be so negative about the OP's prognosis. Some 3rd marriages work out well (3rd time's a charm!), because the people involved have learned lessons from their previous mistakes. Maybe the OP has learned to recognize red flags. Maybe she's had some counseling, to understand the underlying psychology of her earlier bad choices. For the OP's sake, I hope the relationship works out, whether she pursues it now, or waits.
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Old Yesterday, 02:09 PM
 
Location: Southern New Hampshire
7,018 posts, read 12,257,994 times
Reputation: 20739
Quote:
Originally Posted by bshc2000 View Post
Correct, as in he's not PROPOSED. However, he's spoken of it at great length. He will. That isn't a question. He knows the issues at hand. It's literally only a matter of time.

That's why I was seeking advice or suggestions or personal experiences before that, for my knowledge.
OP, I'm sorry, but you are both ADULTS. You are really waiting for some down-on-his-knee "proposal"? Why don't you discuss marriage like 2, you know, ADULTS?

Sorry, I'm always flabbergasted that adults, especially those who have been married and divorced etc., still wait around for one party to "propose" while the other, what, just sits around and waits? Mature adults DISCUSS MARRIAGE, then decide TOGETHER if it seems right for them. Doesn't that seem like a smart thing to do??? (And frankly it can be JUST as romantic as the man deciding to, what, get down on his knee at some ridiculously expensive restaurant so there can be some big "moment"? ugh)

Grown-ups decide TOGETHER that they love each other and want to be married ... especially if they have kids who also need to be considered. I can't believe I have to write this in 2019.
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Old Yesterday, 02:35 PM
 
5,467 posts, read 1,934,488 times
Reputation: 12811
Quote:
Originally Posted by karen_in_nh_2012 View Post
OP, I'm sorry, but you are both ADULTS. You are really waiting for some down-on-his-knee "proposal"? Why don't you discuss marriage like 2, you know, ADULTS?

Sorry, I'm always flabbergasted that adults, especially those who have been married and divorced etc., still wait around for one party to "propose" while the other, what, just sits around and waits? Mature adults DISCUSS MARRIAGE, then decide TOGETHER if it seems right for them. Doesn't that seem like a smart thing to do??? (And frankly it can be JUST as romantic as the man deciding to, what, get down on his knee at some ridiculously expensive restaurant so there can be some big "moment"? ugh)

Grown-ups decide TOGETHER that they love each other and want to be married ... especially if they have kids who also need to be considered. I can't believe I have to write this in 2019.


She said, and you quoted that they HAVE discussed it.
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