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Old Today, 01:10 PM
 
12 posts
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Looking for tips or advice on how to deal with two teenagers who are against relocating to another state.

Condensed background (as best as I can):

My girls (14 and 15) do not want to move. I have the opportunity to move and remarry in central NY. My girls' bio-father (we got married right out of high school) remarried in 2013 and has had nothing to do with them since 2014. We were divorced in 2006. Their ex step-father and I divorced in 2017. Believe me, my intent was never for that to happen. However, their step-father became violent in the home. It was a slow progression but he put us through misery and we were often fearful of him in the home. While he never physically hit me he did intimidate with his size, destruction of our marital home, and insane fits of rage that led me to call the police twice. At that point I had realized that whether or not I wanted to be divorced, again, I had to protect myself and my children.

My oldest sees her ex step-father maybe once a month. She calls and talks to him regularly. My youngest is very bitter due to how we were treated and wants nothing to do with him.

Since the divorce it has been a struggle for me and for them. Especially due to the abandonment they feel from both men. I've offered to reach out to their bio dad and both are adamant against it. For me it has been a struggle juggling life I suppose. My youngest is involved in competitive sports and that requires an enormous amount of time away from the home. My oldest is just floating on a breeze. She's become consumed with her boyfriend and frankly doesn't seem to be interested in much else. The daily anxiety I feel just trying to "make ends meet" is overwhelming. Our lives were completely turned upside down. Our way of living has changed exponentially.

With that being said, I did meet an amazing person who went through a similar situation (how we met). We've dated long distance and ultimately we would like to be together. Him moving is not possible. He owns a company and simply cannot relocate. At this point the topic of moving has come up several times.

Economically this would be a smart move for me. Employment would not be an issue. Stability would be regained and a personal feeling of fulfillment would take place. My plan was never to stay here and talks of moving west had happened before but now that things could take fruition…panic from my daughters.

I see several advantages to moving but I'm also not blind to the concerns of my teenagers. From a competitive sports capacity, my daughter would be eligible to participate with two very high ranking programs, hopefully giving her an advantage that she might not have here. The school atmosphere would be smaller, which I think could be quite helpful and beneficial. My oldest could still enjoy her hobbies, the few she has, although not through the school but through private clubs.

The bottom line for them is leaving their friends. And I do get how hard that could be. I would completely support either of them returning to Michigan for college and traveling to/from several times a month would not be an issue. Financially this would be possible. I'm definitely feeling torn between staying for them and regretting it for myself as soon as they are done with school, or, going forward doing my best to help the transition while hoping their anger would subside and they'd be open to a new opportunity.

I'm open to any advice, suggestions, or personal experience to help!
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Old Today, 01:31 PM
 
5,576 posts, read 2,535,382 times
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How have you integrated the Family quality time with this Gent? Have the girls shown any acceptance of him as their step parent?

Two failed marriages......that is ALOT of wisdom you carry ...to not repeat it. How are you setting an example for your Young and upcoming Ladies (your daughters).

I can imagine as a teen that they are at the mercy of the parents life choices..... Sometimes opportunities are too good to pass up! Don't pass up the opportunity to LISTEN to your Daughters and come to some new understandings...Sounds like they have been neglected by the adults in their life....
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Old Today, 01:33 PM
 
386 posts, read 185,050 times
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1) I don't understand why you let an abusive ex have visits with a daughter who isn't his and whom she was afraid of.

2) Why is your employment not an issue? You would be fulfilled how?

3) Your daughters may very well have noticed that Mom doesn't have a good picker... and don't want what stability they DO have upended because Mom fell in love on the internet.

4) Why can't you wait three or four years, let your daughters stay where they're rooted, and if the relationship lasts, move to central New York then and they can visit you there on college breaks?

If none of these questions matter and you just need a man to take care of you again (not the least of which is financially), just do what you want to do. Have your 2-year romance, holding onto the relationship too long again as it breaks apart and you divorce a third (fourth?) time, and your daughters will make it through somehow. They know they have no say or control over your choices.
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Old Today, 01:34 PM
 
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Make the Move !

we had a 14 year old that didn't want to move. we did. she is fine, has BETTER friends, new better BF, life goes on just fine. They adapt surprisingly easy.

We also found out her best friend forever, was a bully and mean to her anyway .... and to think we almost didn't move because she didn't want to leave her friends ...

I think they are just more afraid of the unknown change than anything, and grasp onto their friends as an excuse ..
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Old Today, 01:36 PM
 
386 posts, read 185,050 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nov3 View Post
How have you integrated the Family quality time with this Gent? Have the girls shown any acceptance of him as their step parent?

Two failed marriages......that is ALOT of wisdom you carry ...to not repeat it. How are you setting an example for your Young and upcoming Ladies (your daughters).

I can imagine as a teen that they are at the mercy of the parents life choices..... Sometimes opportunities are too good to pass up! Don't pass up the opportunity to LISTEN to your Daughters and come to some new understandings...Sounds like they have been neglected by the adults in their life....
THREE, I think. "I remarried their father..." So, married their father and divorced their father TWICE. And then the abusive ex she allows her oldest daughter to visit.

So this marriage would be the fourth. WILL be the fourth, going by history.
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Old Today, 01:38 PM
 
4,631 posts, read 3,013,902 times
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It sounds like you and your relationship choices have caused a huge amount of disruption and adversity for your kids. Now you want to do something that seems even more drastic that will be a bigger disruption in your kids life at a very pivotal time in their life. As others said you could wait 4 years for them to finish high school before doing anything else. I'm a parent and my kid comes first in my life ahead of any of my feelings or desires in life. That is what I signed up for when I became a parent. So from my personal point of view I would say put your kids first but that's my opinion and I'm not you.
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Old Today, 01:46 PM
 
12 posts
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nov3 View Post
How have you integrated the Family quality time with this Gent? Have the girls shown any acceptance of him as their step parent?

Two failed marriages......that is ALOT of wisdom you carry ...to not repeat it. How are you setting an example for your Young and upcoming Ladies (your daughters).

I can imagine as a teen that they are at the mercy of the parents life choices..... Sometimes opportunities are too good to pass up! Don't pass up the opportunity to LISTEN to your Daughters and come to some new understandings...Sounds like they have been neglected by the adults in their life....
In answer to this; I'm not implying that I have all the wisdom and knowledge, that is exactly why I'm seeking advice. I tried to set an example to my daughters that regardless of how much love you have for someone (their step-father) sometimes you cannot make someone change. I desperately wanted our marriage to work and utilized every resource I had, from counseling to doctors but when push came to shove he could not control himself. I thought it better to no longer allow that type of treatment and teach them that standing up for yourself and demanding better was the right thing to do.
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Old Today, 01:49 PM
 
12 posts
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LieslMet View Post
THREE, I think. "I remarried their father..." So, married their father and divorced their father TWICE. And then the abusive ex she allows her oldest daughter to visit.

So this marriage would be the fourth. WILL be the fourth, going by history.

Incorrect. I did not remarry their father. Their father and I married straight out of high school (never implied that was a good idea). We then divorced and I was married to their step-father for nine years.

While my ex did have outburst of explosive (yes, abusive) behavior, he has (since the divorce) been to counseling and is also taking medication based on the recommendation of his therapist. She stays with him and visits as she is comfortable. He's never mistreated her.
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Old Today, 01:49 PM
 
386 posts, read 185,050 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bshc2000 View Post
In answer to this; I'm not implying that I have all the wisdom and knowledge, that is exactly why I'm seeking advice. I tried to set an example to my daughters that regardless of how much love you have for someone (their step-father) sometimes you cannot make someone change. I desperately wanted our marriage to work and utilized every resource I had, from counseling to doctors but when push came to shove he could not control himself. I thought it better to no longer allow that type of treatment and teach them that standing up for yourself and demanding better was the right thing to do.
He can't control himself yet you allow him visits with your older daughter VOLUNTARILY? Does he give her stuff when he sees her or something? There's money to be drained and he'll do it for them so you don't have to, so you're all good with this arrangement?
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Old Today, 01:52 PM
 
386 posts, read 185,050 times
Reputation: 999
Quote:
Originally Posted by bshc2000 View Post
Incorrect. I did not remarry their father. Their father and I married straight out of high school (never implied that was a good idea). We then divorced and I was married to their step-father for nine years.

While my ex did have outburst of explosive (yes, abusive) behavior, he has (since the divorce) been to counseling and is also taking medication based on the recommendation of his therapist. She stays with him and visits as she is comfortable. He's never mistreated her.
Thanks for the correction. I misread.

The abusive ex isn't their father but is hopefully taking meds as prescribed so you're okay sending her there, even though he was abusive to her and she feared him? But the younger one still does?
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