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Old 03-27-2019, 05:07 PM
Status: "I don't have to agree." (set 26 days ago)
 
Location: Texas
8,414 posts, read 3,166,599 times
Reputation: 17659

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Whenever there is an issue with another parent of my child's friend (or the child) we step back for a while and she does things with other kids. Sometimes we step back permanently, if necessary. Perhaps this is one of those times. My daughter has tons of friends so she doesn't get upset if she can't spend time with a particular kid. I also don't want her around kids who are trouble or if their parents create drama. Just have your child find other friends.
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Old 03-27-2019, 05:16 PM
 
Location: Denver 'burbs
21,533 posts, read 22,730,861 times
Reputation: 36649
Quote:
Originally Posted by GiGi603 View Post
To the OP--

Your title and your narrative do not go together. No one called you a bad parent. Nice and being a bad parent have nothing to do with this situation.

The kid's family sounds like they have turmoil in their home. Rather than be mad at them, have some compassion for them. Maybe they cannot afford to do the things you can do with your family. They cannot compete with you. I would imagine it is difficult when one has a child and they cannot afford such things as taking their family go kart racing, trampoline park, museums, sports, travel, etc. I am sure when the child comes home and says to his parents: "why can't we do these things?" it would be painful for them.

Not everyone is as fortunate as you. You don't know the father's story.

Compassion goes a long way.
This.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kibbiekat View Post
What you describe here is not "nice" as your title says. When my kids do an activity with another family, I feel like I need to reciprocate. In your case, the other family is not able to reciprocate. When my kids go to another child's house for a playdate, unless there is something else planned, I expect them to stay at or near the house, maybe ride bikes, play in the the back yard, etc.

What you describe sounds excessive to me. You don't have to ALWAYS be on the go, NEVER "vegetating" at home. As an introvert, I value my down time. Some kids are like that, too. In this case, the way your family operates is not compatible with the friend's family. It has caused problems within their family unit. You should consider what they said, and try to understand it.
And this.
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Old 03-27-2019, 06:32 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
76,134 posts, read 68,014,262 times
Reputation: 73363
Quote:
Originally Posted by Blondebaerde View Post
1) Never underestimate humanity's ability to be petty. Stalin used to send his underlings to the gulag after a few years, just to shake things up, for example. Classic gangsterism.

.
I never heard that about Stalin. I take it you've studied him? That's chilling! But are you sure it was "just to shake things up"? Maybe it was out of paranoia, to preemptively cycle people out, who could be in a position to conspire against him. Or is that what you meant, by "shake things up"? I wouldn't call that "petty".
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Old 03-28-2019, 06:02 AM
 
Location: Pikeville, Ky.
13,525 posts, read 21,514,192 times
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I commend you for including your son's friend in your father/son fun and activities...BUT...do you ask and get permission from the friends parent if it is ok to take take son to events away from your home?

It is not only polite, but may turn into legal complications if their son is in your car, or at some event and an accident happens.
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Old 03-28-2019, 07:06 AM
 
Location: Florida
5,166 posts, read 3,445,223 times
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Who knows what the reason is? It could be that the dad doesn't like feeling like he can't reciprocate. Or maybe he feels that you do things that are unsafe with his child or that you don't provide enough supervision. Or maybe the kid comes home from your house smelling like a certain type of food that dad hates. Or maybe the kid says, "When I'm at Michael's house, we go to play go-karts and to soccer games and when I'm home, we just sit around and I hate it here." Or maybe the kid doesn't want to go over anymore for whatever reason and the parents stepped in and took the blame. Twelve is a tough age.

Whatever it is, it's not your kid and not your problem. Encourage your son to find other friends to have over. That's all you can do and all there is to it.
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Old 03-28-2019, 07:34 AM
 
3,432 posts, read 3,024,125 times
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We don't know the full story. If other dad is in and out of jail, I'm not sure how much value I would place on his opinion.

As a parent,I find that our family's lifestyle is not always compatible with other peoples. For instance, some families go to the movies every weekend and keep up with all of the new movies. I may go once a year. Some families eat out several times a week, whereas, I try to cook a few meals. I'm not a big believer in keeping up with the Jones. I cringe at the way some people blow money. Some people may think I'm cheap. Different people have different priorities. If the differences become too much, then maybe it is time to step back and reevaluate the situation.
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Old 03-28-2019, 08:27 AM
 
3,232 posts, read 1,428,813 times
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His parents may feel you are undermining them and their relationship with their son,and passively you are . Iím not saying that as you being wrong, just that you being the hero he isnít makes you a threat. Fair or not is there any parent who wants to be undermined and have their child regard someone else as their hero?
Coming from a childhood with a horrible father I craved being around families like yours but it was not helpful in the long run, it made me even more dissatisfied and unhappy because in the end they were not there to really help me, nurture me, save me, they are not family.
I would stay away but perhaps suggest a big brother program to the wife the next time his father is in jail.
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Old 03-28-2019, 08:41 AM
 
5,859 posts, read 6,714,664 times
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Does the friend have siblings? Maybe there were issues with the friend getting to do all of the fun stuff with you and coming home to talk about it, while the siblings are stuck not being able to do most of those things due to finances/time constraints.

And you haven't answered if you cleared the activities with the friend's parents. You don't just take a kid to a trampoline park or go-karting, or anywhere away from your home and immediate neighborhood really, without clearing it with the parents first.

You're making yourself out to be a saint here, but I'm not sure if that's the case.
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Old 03-28-2019, 08:47 AM
 
Location: Florida
5,166 posts, read 3,445,223 times
Reputation: 10065
Quote:
Originally Posted by ferraris View Post
Does the friend have siblings? Maybe there were issues with the friend getting to do all of the fun stuff with you and coming home to talk about it, while the siblings are stuck not being able to do most of those things due to finances/time constraints.

And you haven't answered if you cleared the activities with the friend's parents. You don't just take a kid to a trampoline park or go-karting, or anywhere away from your home and immediate neighborhood really, without clearing it with the parents first.

You're making yourself out to be a saint here, but I'm not sure if that's the case.
There is this, too. I'd say 12 is about the minimum age to take someone's child somewhere without letting the parent know unless it's to stop at the grocery store or to go to the bank or some other quick errand in town. Obviously when my teens go to a friend's house now, I don't expect the mom to call me and say, "I'm going to drop off the kids at the movies, is that fine?" or whatever, but when they were preteens and younger, I'm pretty sure that was the norm. Definitely for under 10. I guess 12ish is probably acceptable to do that. I generally cleared it with parents unless they were close friends and I knew they wouldn't care if we went to get ice cream or to the park or the bookstore. Something where there's some element of risk like a trampoline park, I'd get permission first for a kid under 16 or so. And under 18 if it was something that required a safety waiver.
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Old 03-28-2019, 08:49 AM
 
3,232 posts, read 1,428,813 times
Reputation: 12263
Quote:
Originally Posted by ferraris View Post
Does the friend have siblings? Maybe there were issues with the friend getting to do all of the fun stuff with you and coming home to talk about it, while the siblings are stuck not being able to do most of those things due to finances/time constraints.

And you haven't answered if you cleared the activities with the friend's parents. You don't just take a kid to a trampoline park or go-karting, or anywhere away from your home and immediate neighborhood really, without clearing it with the parents first.

You're making yourself out to be a saint here, but I'm not sure if that's the case.
I agree. Doing nice things for other children is noble but parents also have to be cautious of their child being groomed by someone they donít know. There may be complicating issues like you mention.
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