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Old 03-28-2019, 05:36 PM
Status: "Spring has Sprung!" (set 9 days ago)
 
Location: Foot of the Rockies
86,178 posts, read 101,198,056 times
Reputation: 32654

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I don't think the OP "overreacted". For those of you who do think that, what do you think the appropriate reaction should have been? I mean, gee, the other parents didn't even inform the OP until he (OP) asked why their kid wasn't coming over any more.

I do think that, sexist as this sounds, Dads sometimes err on the side of too many activities at times.
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Old 03-28-2019, 06:55 PM
 
Location: Where rhotic consonants are either absent or intrusive
8,806 posts, read 5,072,115 times
Reputation: 14426
Quote:
Originally Posted by petsandgardens View Post
How long does he usually get in jail? If you hear about him in jail next time just call mom and say you're spending the afternoon with your son and he wonders if you could take his friend along. She should understand you know the dad's not home.

It would be nice to keep a hand in at least while dad's away. Give him the impression you're helping and when dad's home you bow out...or both of you can go to a park, sit and talk while the boys...whatever...play basketball. Just a short time.

Dad may see you're not so bad and allow it under certain circumstances.

Thing is, you son seems to enjoy the boy (although do watch for signs the boy may head in dad's direction and be a bad example even before you realize it) and a good boy could benefit from a good role model at least now and then.
Exactly. If the dad has been out of the picture, they do need time to reestablish their relationship; thatís kind of hard to if he feels like heís competing with The Cool Dad nearly every weekend. I would say back off for a while, or maybe invite the dad, too (although I guess itís kind of late for that now).
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Old 03-28-2019, 07:26 PM
 
Location: Texas
8,416 posts, read 3,179,054 times
Reputation: 17664
Quote:
Originally Posted by Katarina Witt View Post
I don't think the OP "overreacted". For those of you who do think that, what do you think the appropriate reaction should have been? I mean, gee, the other parents didn't even inform the OP until he (OP) asked why their kid wasn't coming over any more.
.
Same here. I would have been taken off guard.

But I know there can be issues amongst parents; those who "have" and those who "have not." So I guess it wouldn't totally surprise me. I think the kid's dad is taking his personal issues out on the OP. He doesn't have his life together, has been incarcerated, has no money. That is not the OP's fault.
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Old 03-29-2019, 02:50 AM
 
Location: colorado springs, CO
4,549 posts, read 2,091,334 times
Reputation: 15670
Quote:
Originally Posted by sandiskman View Post
I've always been one to keep my kids active. All kinds of activities, sports, travel, anything to keep them busy and learning. My son, who is 12, has friends over often and I always keep the kids busy never letting them sit in the house. We do all kinds of fun things (trampoline park, go kart racing, sports, museums, etc).
Sounds great at face value but all that is kind of the “extras” in parenting. What about orthodontist appointments? Parent/Teacher Conferences? Homework? Mowing the lawn? Don’t YOU ever have to sit at home to do the boring grown-up stuff? Does it ever rain where you live? Do grandparents come to visit? You don’t ever have days where you feel like a chauffeur? Does your son ever do anything that you just pay for but not participate in? Is it ever just you & him or is it always a “crew’? Does he ever have to go “kick rocks” for a while?

I mean, I’m all for keeping kids from being bored & running amok but at some point, a parent will have to say something like; “You’re not going anywhere until you clean that room!”

Quote:
Originally Posted by sandiskman View Post
In any case his best friend who he's known for a year stopped coming over our house. I spoke to the mother and she informed me that the father does not want the kid over our house anymore. The reason? The kid was always talking about how much fun we had an all the things I did for the kid, so the father (who is in and out of jail, broke as a joke, etc) got pissed off. He felt like I was stepping on his toes as the father because the kid always talked highly about me.
To be fair, you heard that from his likely disgruntled partner; not him & it’s sort of easy to be spoken well of by a 12 year old when you aren’t the one having to say; “Do your homework, clean your room, no; you’re not going anywhere because your grandparents will be here this afternoon, etc ...” You simply set the bar too high being so fun while the rest of us have to be ... parental.
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Old 03-29-2019, 03:25 AM
 
Location: Teach an Fhir Bholg
12,426 posts, read 13,723,766 times
Reputation: 33896
Quote:
Originally Posted by Katarina Witt View Post
I don't think the OP "overreacted". For those of you who do think that, what do you think the appropriate reaction should have been? I mean, gee, the other parents didn't even inform the OP until he (OP) asked why their kid wasn't coming over any more. ....
To proclaim yourself "I'm the "bad parent" in town because of how now nice I am...." because of this one incident is the height of vanity, tinged with a major dash of nutbaggery.

Does anyone believe "the town" is just absolutely down on this poster because of her self-proclaimed goodness?

<bleep>

Last edited by Miss Blue; 03-29-2019 at 02:29 PM.. Reason: language
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Old 03-29-2019, 07:11 AM
 
497 posts, read 219,155 times
Reputation: 1378
Quote:
Originally Posted by kevxu View Post
A person you have described as a dubious parent criticizes you, and you post a article entitled:

"I'm the "bad parent" in town because of how nice I am. Anyone experience this."

The guy is a jerk, but you have a victim ego as big as all outdoors.
I agree.

You may feel like a saint, OP, but don't make yourself a martyr. You do nice things for another kid so your kid has a playmate to come along.

Regardless of the kid's parents' ability to parent/provide, I can see you coming off as a benefactor and their child as a charity case.

There have been plenty of times I've told our children they can't do something because

1) it sets the bar WAY too high and they expect more of me... no longer are they fine with helping me clean on Saturday mornings and reading/cooking/watching movies on a rainy afternoon. Noooo- they want to all go to an indoor waterpark or trampoline park. They want to go to the movies and then out to dinner. When they act like they EXPECT me to do this, they need a dose of reality.

or 2) It's ALL too much and we will never have the ability to even remotely reciprocate. It's one thing if you're already friends with the other parents and this is understood... you reciprocate in ways that you can... but it is NOT clear when the divide is vast. You don't want your kid to be the charity case... because that happens well before he'll feel like he is one. That kind of situation needs to be tamped down, especially since the better-off kid holds the power and starts to wield it even if they were pretty nice at first. So, it's YES to the amusement park (and here's $20 and a packed lunch and snacks) but NO to being flown across the country for the weekend to meet youtubers at some meetup. YES to a week at their house in Martha's Vineyard (here's $80 and I've packed all of your good clothes... you know, the pima cotton tees, the right graphic hoodies, the clean-line jeans, the Toms and Converse and Birks); NO to a Disney cruise.

The decision is mine and made very carefully and I don't really care if the Well-Off, Parenting Pushover - I mean, "nice parent" - gets offended. The actually-nice ones don't. They understand.
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Old 03-29-2019, 07:32 AM
 
5,591 posts, read 1,976,824 times
Reputation: 13106
Quote:
Originally Posted by kevxu View Post
To proclaim yourself "I'm the "bad parent" in town because of how now nice I am...." because of this one incident is the height of vanity, tinged with a major dash of nutbaggery.

Does anyone believe "the town" is just absolutely down on this poster because of her self-proclaimed goodness?

Major bullsh*t.

Yeah...that's what I'm wondering about too. It just seems over the top for what went down, if we're getting the whole story. But I'm thinking we're not getting the whole story. I'm thinking OP is embarassed somehow.


Maybe the parents feel like their kid was being groomed, and told OP to lay off or else, and OP is embarassed.


Or maybe the kid's dad felt like OP was getting a little too chummy with the wife, and wanted the wife to cut the ties, and OP is embarassed.


And maybe neither scenario is right. But it seems like, to me, that if I was told "My boy is doing too much fun stuff with you and your son and we're nipping that in the bud." I'd be dissapointed, and I'd feel bad for my son and their son...but "I'm the bad parent in town"?


Just seems like there's more to it.
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Old 03-29-2019, 08:24 AM
 
Location: Texas
8,416 posts, read 3,179,054 times
Reputation: 17664
Quote:
Originally Posted by kevxu View Post
To proclaim yourself "I'm the "bad parent" in town because of how now nice I am...." because of this one incident is the height of vanity, tinged with a major dash of nutbaggery..
The OP has not returned, why should he? No reason to, given most of the responses. I don't see anything wrong with his description of how he (or she) feels about this situation. Anyway, without any more follow-up information I don't see the point.
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Old 03-29-2019, 09:52 AM
Status: "Until it Sleeps!" (set 3 days ago)
 
Location: Kirkland, WA (Metro Seattle)
3,831 posts, read 3,100,159 times
Reputation: 6744
Quote:
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla View Post
Same here. I would have been taken off guard.

But I know there can be issues amongst parents; those who "have" and those who "have not." So I guess it wouldn't totally surprise me. I think the kid's dad is taking his personal issues out on the OP. He doesn't have his life together, has been incarcerated, has no money. That is not the OP's fault.
I've taken up rather casually with a woman w/several kids who is what we might call Working Class, $15/hr in a call center with some OT. She works hard, and long hours. I admire that. That $600/week matters to her household for sure, in addition to other modest income streams.

Inevitably, in such situations, I am called "the playboy" or "confirmed bachelor living the dream." My time came this AM. It is not a friendly pejorative, when hurled my way. My life is somewhat freewheeling, though I have a career and work different sorts of hours, and I have a taste for life's finer things that so-called Upper Middle Class (vs., I suppose, "the Wealthy" or "1%) can afford. I do this shamelessly, there is no one to impress on one hand, or be modest around on the other, so I just..."do." I make six times what she does due to the decisions I've made in life, period. Not a boast, just paying attention to what works and doesn't in life, and shamelessly getting back up off the floor after being kneed in the nuts numerous times.

It's a have vs. have-not thing, a human failing first described in Genesis w/Cain and Able, right? Common to (wo)men everywhere. (We) concoct retarded excuses for how "they" don't "deserve" what they have, that "you didn't build that." The (duck) I didn't, Barry! Never mind. And so the divide opens, and it's impossible to close and some asshat inevitably comes up with Communist solutions like "equality in outcomes" and "fair share." Meh....

Parents, same thing. My two closest pals are very conscious parents, one raised two of his kids and co-raised two stepkids; I was front and center for 11 years of that. The other has two from first marriage, two stepkids, and now two more w/2nd wife: I'm front and center for that, too, all the above being under 10 at-current. Those couples are thoughtful and have resources, see "Upper Middle" above.

IN CONTRAST: When a parent has frequent "contact" with the police, does dumb stuff and is busted in and out of jail or even prison, and isn't self-reflective enough to realize his own decisions led him to current station in life, the only thing to do is walk away. OP is bewildered but will puzzle this out in (her) good time.
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Old 03-30-2019, 05:57 AM
 
12,585 posts, read 9,680,850 times
Reputation: 9162
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnotherTouchOfWhimsy View Post
There is this, too. I'd say 12 is about the minimum age to take someone's child somewhere without letting the parent know unless it's to stop at the grocery store or to go to the bank or some other quick errand in town. Obviously when my teens go to a friend's house now, I don't expect the mom to call me and say, "I'm going to drop off the kids at the movies, is that fine?" or whatever, but when they were preteens and younger, I'm pretty sure that was the norm. Definitely for under 10. I guess 12ish is probably acceptable to do that. I generally cleared it with parents unless they were close friends and I knew they wouldn't care if we went to get ice cream or to the park or the bookstore. Something where there's some element of risk like a trampoline park, I'd get permission first for a kid under 16 or so. And under 18 if it was something that required a safety waiver.
All of this is moot if the other kid is not coming over any more. In this situation, what goes on in their home shouldn’t be messed with unless somebody needs it ( for example, if you have a reason to think there is abuse or neglect). This doesn’t mean your kids can’t try calling their friends once or twice to check in and make sure everything is ok.

The other issue is the normalization of car culture. A walkable neighborhood should allow kids to safely go to the park without having to walk dangerously close to a main road. This is how everybody did it 2-3 generations ago and there is no reason it shouldn’t be the case today. Unfortunately, some cities just have extremely poor design in some areas, with no sidewalk or with a dangerously narrow one. Too many people think it is ok to talk on their phones or text while driving, and yet some cities just don’t provide a safe place to walk, sadly.

If you live in a walkable place with less sprawl, then the kids can walk wherever they want. Responsible kids will let their parents know if they are going to be away for more than a short period of time. I think that encouraging kids to walk can be a good thing. It improves health and builds independence and character. Do we really want to be encouraging yet another generation of American citizens to be so lazy that they think you need a car to go a few blocks to the park?

Once you get out of the automobile-dependent frame of mind, all the issues become moot because you aren’t taking kids anywhere, they are simply going.

Last edited by ncole1; 03-30-2019 at 06:13 AM..
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