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Old Today, 08:35 AM
 
11,861 posts, read 9,662,493 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnotherTouchOfWhimsy View Post
Tomorrow, we are taking out our daughter, who is turning 16! We will go to a nice restaurant and to do some activities in the area. We are also taking our 18-year-old. When we went to a nice restaurant for his birthday, his sister came as well. I hope they don't resent us for the rest of their lives for including their sibling in their special day each year.
I wonder that the difference between celebrating together and thinking someone is going to feel unloved for not getting a gift is not obvious.
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Old Today, 08:54 AM
Status: "Spring has Sprung!" (set 19 days ago)
 
Location: Foot of the Rockies
86,345 posts, read 101,350,397 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
I wonder that the difference between celebrating together and thinking someone is going to feel unloved for not getting a gift is not obvious.
16 and 18 are way different than 2 and 3 1/2. I don't get the uproar over doing this for preschoolers.
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Old Today, 09:02 AM
 
Location: Florida
5,244 posts, read 3,475,143 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
I wonder that the difference between celebrating together and thinking someone is going to feel unloved for not getting a gift is not obvious.
Well in this case, the day out is the gift. So... I guess the line is not clear.

For my son's 18th, we paid for a trip that he went on. While he was gone, my daughter and I did fun things without him. If he were keeping track, he might be worried that it wasn't a good enough gift, since his sister didn't sit home and do nothing.

I know that some families do that type of keeping track. I have a friend who knows the monetary value of every gift her parents have given her sibling and knows who they spent more on. I am glad that I was not brought up that way and neither was my husband, so we don't pass that on to our kids. They each get various things at various points and neither of them is keeping a tally. Some years, a birthday celebration for one might entail a trip to Disney (we live a few hours away) while the birthday celebration for the other might be a dinner out. Since everyone in the household participates in these celebrations, there's no reason to keep score. My daughter once got a hamster for her birthday and my son also played with the hamster, so does that mean they each got a gift? I don't know. Maybe? Nobody complained or cried about it, so I guess it didn't matter. When they were small, usually the non-birthday child could invite a friend over the same day their sibling had their birthday party. It just worked out better that way and cut down on any arguing over whether Little Sis or Big Bro should join in on whatever the friends were doing together. I never heard any complaints from the birthday child that their sibling should not be allowed to have a friend over. And my kids are happy to complain... just not about that type of stuff.

I think parents worry about these issues WAY, WAY more than kids ever do. And then that attitude passes down to their children. We just let things happen as they happen and nobody in our family seems to worry about fairness. So it wouldn't matter if one kid got a gift on the other kid's birthday or if the kid didn't get a gift on their sibling's birthday. We're pretty laid back and haven't ever entertained the idea that fair is the same as equal, so neither do our kids.
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Old Today, 09:22 AM
 
11,861 posts, read 9,662,493 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Katarina Witt View Post
16 and 18 are way different than 2 and 3 1/2. I don't get the uproar over doing this for preschoolers.
Meh. I don't feel particularly uproarious myself. But it does not make a lot of sense to me. Is it a BIRTH day or a gifty love day? Preschoolers don't feel the teeniest bit bent over not getting a gift unless they are modeled that somehow it is bad not to get one.
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Old Today, 09:31 AM
 
Location: Florida
5,244 posts, read 3,475,143 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
Meh. I don't feel particularly uproarious myself. But it does not make a lot of sense to me. Is it a BIRTH day or a gifty love day? Preschoolers don't feel the teeniest bit bent over not getting a gift unless they are modeled that somehow it is bad not to get one.
They also don't feel the teeniest bit bent over their sibling getting something unless it's modeled that it's somehow bad. That was my point. Little kids don't care either way and it doesn't matter at all in the long run (or even in the short-term, most of the time). So some families like to gift everyone and some families don't. It makes no difference; people accept what is normal in their own families. There's no one right way to do it and no reason to be worried or offended about what other people do.
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Old Today, 11:27 AM
 
11,861 posts, read 9,662,493 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnotherTouchOfWhimsy View Post
They also don't feel the teeniest bit bent over their sibling getting something unless it's modeled that it's somehow bad. That was my point. Little kids don't care either way and it doesn't matter at all in the long run (or even in the short-term, most of the time). So some families like to gift everyone and some families don't. It makes no difference; people accept what is normal in their own families. There's no one right way to do it and no reason to be worried or offended about what other people do.
It is true that when they are little that they don't care... except insofar as it becomes habitual and expected. I am neither worried nor offended by what other people do. It is a topic of interest the degree to which people will coddle and appease their kids... to said kids' disservice.
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Old Today, 01:45 PM
Status: "Spring has Sprung!" (set 19 days ago)
 
Location: Foot of the Rockies
86,345 posts, read 101,350,397 times
Reputation: 32752
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnotherTouchOfWhimsy View Post
Well in this case, the day out is the gift. So... I guess the line is not clear.

For my son's 18th, we paid for a trip that he went on. While he was gone, my daughter and I did fun things without him. If he were keeping track, he might be worried that it wasn't a good enough gift, since his sister didn't sit home and do nothing.

I know that some families do that type of keeping track. I have a friend who knows the monetary value of every gift her parents have given her sibling and knows who they spent more on. I am glad that I was not brought up that way and neither was my husband, so we don't pass that on to our kids. They each get various things at various points and neither of them is keeping a tally. Some years, a birthday celebration for one might entail a trip to Disney (we live a few hours away) while the birthday celebration for the other might be a dinner out. Since everyone in the household participates in these celebrations, there's no reason to keep score. My daughter once got a hamster for her birthday and my son also played with the hamster, so does that mean they each got a gift? I don't know. Maybe? Nobody complained or cried about it, so I guess it didn't matter. When they were small, usually the non-birthday child could invite a friend over the same day their sibling had their birthday party. It just worked out better that way and cut down on any arguing over whether Little Sis or Big Bro should join in on whatever the friends were doing together. I never heard any complaints from the birthday child that their sibling should not be allowed to have a friend over. And my kids are happy to complain... just not about that type of stuff.

I think parents worry about these issues WAY, WAY more than kids ever do. And then that attitude passes down to their children. We just let things happen as they happen and nobody in our family seems to worry about fairness. So it wouldn't matter if one kid got a gift on the other kid's birthday or if the kid didn't get a gift on their sibling's birthday. We're pretty laid back and haven't ever entertained the idea that fair is the same as equal, so neither do our kids.
Kind of another topic, but I agree. And we, the horrible parents who gave our very young children a gift on the other's birthday (not accusing you of saying we were horrible BTW) never kept track either, but when we sat down and looked at what we had done for each, it was pretty much the same. Even when they got older, we gave one money for a down payment for a car which she needed as her old car died and she was working, had a home to run, etc; and we gave the other one a car we had when we bought another one, both were about equal in value.

We also let each kid bring a friend to the other's party.

Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
It is true that when they are little that they don't care... except insofar as it becomes habitual and expected. I am neither worried nor offended by what other people do. It is a topic of interest the degree to which people will coddle and appease their kids... to said kids' disservice.
If the kids don't care, why is it "coddling" to give a small gift on the other's birthday. Why do the kids need to be "appeased". And what type of long term consequence do you see as a "disservice" from doing this?
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