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Old Yesterday, 10:33 AM
 
11 posts, read 1,222 times
Reputation: 11

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To BirdieBelle..
Thank you again for commenting. I do agree that my original post probably came off as that. But it was written in an exasperated moment of not knowing that to do.. I feel helpless and at a loss, as does my BF..

The terms and phrases I used are exactly what is said, not mine.. My Bf has ALWAYS referred to his daughter as ‘his babygirl’ he’s even on occasion called my daughter that. When he got home that evening and was telling me what his ex-wife had said about the situation, those were the exact words he relayed to me...

Of course I was shocked about the language.. I have a 21 yr old son and a 23 yr old son and neither are allowed to cuss around me. I would have been shocked if I’d have heard my daughter speak that way.

I do consider these kiddos as my own and every time I see them there is always ‘I love you’s’ Exchanged.. I’ve had deep talks with his daughter when she’s come to me and said ‘I can’t talk to dad, can I talk to you’ I’ve always been there for them and tried to give them good sound advice and point them in the right direction. I’ve even had their real mom message me and ask me tot talk to the son about alcohol and drinking as he was bragging to his stepbrother at her house that it’s great when you drink cause you can forget about all your problems.. She didn’t know how to approach so she asked me to..
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Old Yesterday, 10:38 AM
 
553 posts, read 232,134 times
Reputation: 1503
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vhatton View Post
To BirdieBelle..
Thank you again for commenting. I do agree that my original post probably came off as that. But it was written in an exasperated moment of not knowing that to do.. I feel helpless and at a loss, as does my BF..

The terms and phrases I used are exactly what is said, not mine.. My Bf has ALWAYS referred to his daughter as ‘his babygirl’ he’s even on occasion called my daughter that. When he got home that evening and was telling me what his ex-wife had said about the situation, those were the exact words he relayed to me...

Of course I was shocked about the language.. I have a 21 yr old son and a 23 yr old son and neither are allowed to cuss around me. I would have been shocked if I’d have heard my daughter speak that way.

I do consider these kiddos as my own and every time I see them there is always ‘I love you’s’ Exchanged.. I’ve had deep talks with his daughter when she’s come to me and said ‘I can’t talk to dad, can I talk to you’ I’ve always been there for them and tried to give them good sound advice and point them in the right direction. I’ve even had their real mom message me and ask me tot talk to the son about alcohol and drinking as he was bragging to his stepbrother at her house that it’s great when you drink cause you can forget about all your problems.. She didn’t know how to approach so she asked me to..
Except that you've already said that they disrespect you, don't want to spend time with you or their father, and no one appreciates what you have to say on the subject...

They aren't your own, no matter how you say you "consider them."
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Old Yesterday, 10:52 AM
 
11 posts, read 1,222 times
Reputation: 11
To LieslMet..
Wow I really don’t know what to say.. it was my Bf’s Choice to come off the road. He saw me making plenty of money to keep up our lifestyle and thought it would be a great opportunity to be closer to and spend more time with his kiddos.. If I was away from home and he saw my daughter doing something that she shouldn’t be doing I would hope he would tell me so I could get on to her.. I DID NOT tell the ex-wife.. HE SENT THE VIDEO to her as it involves their son...If your child was doing something bad in the neighborhood, wouldn’t you want the other person who saw it to tell you?

Outside of this we have an awesome relationship.. he is convinced we are soulmates.. my daughter loves and respects him.. We are finally getting our finances in order and getting the trucks paid off so that we can have extra money to go and do with our kids again.. We are already planning for starting a new business together because we loved the one that we had together.. Everything just started falling apart when money got scarce..
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Old Yesterday, 11:06 AM
 
553 posts, read 232,134 times
Reputation: 1503
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vhatton View Post
To LieslMet..
Wow I really don’t know what to say.. it was my Bf’s Choice to come off the road. He saw me making plenty of money to keep up our lifestyle and thought it would be a great opportunity to be closer to and spend more time with his kiddos.. If I was away from home and he saw my daughter doing something that she shouldn’t be doing I would hope he would tell me so I could get on to her.. I DID NOT tell the ex-wife.. HE SENT THE VIDEO to her as it involves their son...If your child was doing something bad in the neighborhood, wouldn’t you want the other person who saw it to tell you?

Outside of this we have an awesome relationship.. he is convinced we are soulmates.. my daughter loves and respects him.. We are finally getting our finances in order and getting the trucks paid off so that we can have extra money to go and do with our kids again.. We are already planning for starting a new business together because we loved the one that we had together.. Everything just started falling apart when money got scarce..
Great. Sounds like you're all set then. Just focus on yourself, your daughter, and YOUR problems, not other people's. You set the precedent, not having rules for your house so long as his children were breaking them. My house, my rules. I will correct poor behavior in anyone here - child or adult, mine or not - and if they don't like it, they can leave. You can do the same but again, you've already set that precedent.

You cannot make other people's children want a relationship with their parents. You cannot make other people be the parent, grandparent, or aunt you want them to be. You CAN set up new house rules. What they're used to elsewhere is not your problem. They will choose to come or not choose to come. Your daughter will see fairness. You CAN do that.
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Old Yesterday, 11:18 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
41,512 posts, read 40,263,192 times
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I understand being frustrated.

But your BF didn't really know how to be a parent in the first place. He knew how to be occasional entertainment, blowing into town 4 days a month to go hog wild with his kids. Think about the fact that his son was only about a year old, if that, when his parents divorced. So he's never known his family intact.

And now your BF doesn't understand the value of boundaries for teenagers, believing instead that telling them no will push them away, when that is the farthest thing from the truth.

I honestly think you all would benefit from family counseling. ALL of you. Start with you and your BF so you two can figure out if your plan is really the right plan for your whole family. Believing you are soulmates isn't enough. Because honestly there is no way that trying to hide trucks from the repo man is the kind of example you want to set for these young people in your house.

The trouble DIDN'T all start with the money, or lack thereof. These bad thought processes were there to begin with, and they can be unlearned if you both will try.
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Old Yesterday, 11:21 AM
 
Location: Middle of the ocean
30,309 posts, read 19,158,070 times
Reputation: 43814
First, as kids get older they will start wanting to do other stuff. My husband went through it with his kids, and I had to point out that parenthood is a long term game, not immediate gratification. You have to change with them. And while it caused heartache at the time, the adult ones have said that now they understand the strictness and appreciate it..... now. /lol But DH came from a different angle, he refused to fall into the Disneyland Dad trap. He wanted them to have fun, but chores and such too.

I don't think your BF is very realistic. Swearing during a video game? I've always know that occurs. The youngest knows when swearing is allowed and when it's not, but if I walk in the room when they are playing they all straighten up and are polite. As soon as I leave I know the f bombs will be flying. I can't imagine a spanking over that.

I think your BF needs to redefine the relationship with his children, and try to emphasize the positive as they grow into adults.

Perhaps he can find things they want to do (mainly the son at this point) that don't cost a lot of money, and perhaps let him go home at night where it is more comfortable to sleep.
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Old Yesterday, 11:40 AM
 
7,802 posts, read 10,610,521 times
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Just an early-on intervention:

Let's keep it civil, folks. You all have good points to contribute, but insults are never welcomed.....

Thanks,
~June
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Old Yesterday, 11:51 AM
 
Location: Scottsdale, AZ <-> Silicon Valley, CA
6,748 posts, read 4,144,240 times
Reputation: 24669
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vhatton View Post
Thank you so much for your input.. Yes I know those were manipulative comments and I said that to my BF when I said them. But then I told him, at that point he would have to know what he had to do to get his kids to spend time with him.. because he doesn’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do.
What you need to do is take your daughter and move OUT.

I don't care that you can't presently afford it. The man has no place where his kids can visit him without running into the pseudofamily you and your daughter comprise. His kids should come first.

Remove yourself from the equation. And stop criticizing his kids.
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Old Yesterday, 12:15 PM
 
11 posts, read 1,222 times
Reputation: 11
Quote:
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat View Post
What you need to do is take your daughter and move OUT.

I don't care that you can't presently afford it. The man has no place where his kids can visit him without running into the pseudofamily you and your daughter comprise. His kids should come first.

Remove yourself from the equation. And stop criticizing his kids.

Hello, We have been together for 3 yrs now and have only started having problems with his children when we got into a financial bind. They loved me and our kids got along great! We were really a big happy family. Then our a/c quite and we didn’t have the funds readily available to fix it. But we improvised with putting window units in the bedrooms.. As we cut back on spending money and couldn’t take the kids out any more, his son would ask what we were doing for the weekend before he decided to come over... He was around his son more and saw how he was acting out and his bad behavior and he started calling him out and telling him he couldn’t act that way and do those things, his son has stopped coming over.. The entire convo he had with his son the other night on the phone was about ‘I have set rules in my house and you don’t want to follow them so you won’t come over.’...

If I was to move out, there would still be rules and his son wouldn’t come over and he still wouldn’t approve of his daughters mixed race relationship and she still wouldn’t talk to him.. how does ruining our happiness that him and I share help the problem?
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Old Yesterday, 12:25 PM
 
553 posts, read 232,134 times
Reputation: 1503
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vhatton View Post
If I was to move out, there would still be rules and his son wouldn’t come over and he still wouldn’t approve of his daughters mixed race relationship and she still wouldn’t talk to him.. how does ruining our happiness that him and I share help the problem?
It doesn't sound like happiness. It sounds like anything that doesn't involve only you and your daughter is a problem.

Also, then you wouldn't have a racist boyfriend, which I would consider a perk.

His relationship with his children is not.your.problem. Moving out would kill all of the diseased birds with one stone. No more racist boyfriend. No more worrying about how he parents his children, how the children behave, how their relatives discipline them or not, how he disciplines your child but not his own while you don't discipline his, his relationship with his mother, etc. You'd be free of everything but a house you've gotten used to living in and a racist soulmate who has relationship issues with everyone except you? I don't see any downsides, really.

Last edited by LieslMet; Yesterday at 12:37 PM..
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