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Old Yesterday, 12:31 PM
 
Location: Scottsdale, AZ <-> Silicon Valley, CA
6,748 posts, read 4,144,240 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vhatton View Post
If I was to move out, there would still be rules and his son wouldn’t come over and he still wouldn’t approve of his daughters mixed race relationship and she still wouldn’t talk to him.. how does ruining our happiness that him and I share help the problem?
Moving out would make it possible for your boyfriend to learn how to parent without outside interference. I don't know how to say this any other way: You are the problem.

If the two of you are truly "soulmates", neither of you shouldn't have any issue with 1) him doing right by his children and 2) you waiting years for his parenting to get them to adulthood.
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Old Yesterday, 01:29 PM
 
9,074 posts, read 3,546,384 times
Reputation: 22896
I'm still stuck on the fact that this 13 year old was in his room, thought he had the house to himself, and was playing his video game that was a gift to his father and swearing like a sailor and then you recorded it, tattled to the dad, and then the dad spanked the 13 year old for the first time in his life and deleted the game.

I'm still stuck on that. My goodness. Over words that any 13 year old knows, and that you would accept from "a grown man".

That he didn't think anyone else would over hear.

What's that all about?
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Old Yesterday, 01:43 PM
 
11 posts, read 1,222 times
Reputation: 11
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
I'm still stuck on the fact that this 13 year old was in his room, thought he had the house to himself, and was playing his video game that was a gift to his father and swearing like a sailor and then you recorded it, tattled to the dad, and then the dad spanked the 13 year old for the first time in his life and deleted the game.

I'm still stuck on that. My goodness. Over words that any 13 year old knows, and that you would accept from "a grown man".

That he didn't think anyone else would over hear.

What's that all about?
Iím not sure I understand the confusion.. if someone saw my daughter doing or saying something they know that I donít allow her to to, I would hope they would let me know so I can hold her accountable and teach her that she is not allowed to do that whether Iím around or not. We live in a small close knit community and we all watch out for each otherís kiddos and let the parents know if we see or hear of them doing anything they know they shouldnít be doing.
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Old Yesterday, 01:51 PM
 
11 posts, read 1,222 times
Reputation: 11
Quote:
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat View Post
Moving out would make it possible for your boyfriend to learn how to parent without outside interference. I don't know how to say this any other way: You are the problem.

If the two of you are truly "soulmates", neither of you shouldn't have any issue with 1) him doing right by his children and 2) you waiting years for his parenting to get them to adulthood.
That was why I searched out a forum, we as a committed couple, do not know what is right at this point..
He does want to do right by his kiddos and I fully support that, as he supports me with my 3.. He talks to me because he knows the mom and his mom are contributing to the misbehavior of his son and he has tried talking to them about it. And now that he has really put his foot down and explained to his son that his house has rules, his son is choosing not to come over as he doesnít want to follow the rules.

How do we as parents find a happy medium in this to the benefit of everyone? Do we just give the son his way on everything so he will come visit, or do we say no more bad behavior and as my BF says ĎWe loose him foreverí? What is right?

This kid is running amuck and we are at a lose on what to do, but Iím the bad one because I reached out for help on a public forum?
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Old Yesterday, 02:12 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
41,512 posts, read 40,263,192 times
Reputation: 79203
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vhatton View Post
I’m not sure I understand the confusion.. if someone saw my daughter doing or saying something they know that I don’t allow her to to, I would hope they would let me know so I can hold her accountable and teach her that she is not allowed to do that whether I’m around or not. We live in a small close knit community and we all watch out for each other’s kiddos and let the parents know if we see or hear of them doing anything they know they shouldn’t be doing.
Does he cuss like that in front of y'all?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vhatton View Post
That was why I searched out a forum, we as a committed couple, do not know what is right at this point..
He does want to do right by his kiddos and I fully support that, as he supports me with my 3.. He talks to me because he knows the mom and his mom are contributing to the misbehavior of his son and he has tried talking to them about it. And now that he has really put his foot down and explained to his son that his house has rules, his son is choosing not to come over as he doesn’t want to follow the rules.

How do we as parents find a happy medium in this to the benefit of everyone? Do we just give the son his way on everything so he will come visit, or do we say no more bad behavior and as my BF says ‘We loose him forever’? What is right?

This kid is running amuck and we are at a lose on what to do, but I’m the bad one because I reached out for help on a public forum?
So you want the kid to be "the bad one"? Why does there have to be a bad one?

You all are reeling and obviously in chaos, emotionally and financially. Again, this is not a time to point fingers. It's a time to step up as a committed couple and as the adults in the situation and find a pro in your area who can teach you both how to parent these young people.

For the record, I am not buying this picture of your boyfriend as the wise parent here. For most of his son's life, it sounds like he was more like a sideshow or traveling carnival that showed up in town every once in a while, gave the kids and unrealistic image of what life is like, and went away again.

Your boyfriend does not know what he's doing in the dad and ex-husband roles, and you are spinning out in your role as "stepmom." Please stop worrying about blame and focus on pathways to good outcomes.
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Old Yesterday, 02:20 PM
 
9,074 posts, read 3,546,384 times
Reputation: 22896
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vhatton View Post
Iím not sure I understand the confusion.. if someone saw my daughter doing or saying something they know that I donít allow her to to, I would hope they would let me know so I can hold her accountable and teach her that she is not allowed to do that whether Iím around or not. We live in a small close knit community and we all watch out for each otherís kiddos and let the parents know if we see or hear of them doing anything they know they shouldnít be doing.
If someone stood outside your daughter's window to listen in on her, my guess is there have been somethings that would shock you very much.

What someone does in the privacy of their bedroom, when they think no one is listening isn't really fair game to record and spread around, in my world.
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Old Yesterday, 03:03 PM
 
11 posts, read 1,222 times
Reputation: 11
BirdieBelle,
No ma’am he does not speak like that in front of any of us, none of our kids do.

When my BF and his wife got divorced he took a big equipment mechanic job for a well known environmental company. He has traveled from Syracuse NY to Denver CO and back to Syracuse again in a 10 year stretch with this same company. We all live in Texas, it’s where he grew up. He would fly in every 2 weeks and get his kiddos for the standard visitation. On Dec 20 of every year he would drive home for the winter lay off for 3 months until mid March and then he would drive back to Syracuse to start his rotation again.

He has told me that he and his ex are to blame for the way the kids have turned out. They both have always given them everything and done anything they have asked. When they did wrong, they never punished them. The kids choose what they want to do and when and the parents went along with it.
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Old Yesterday, 03:32 PM
 
553 posts, read 232,134 times
Reputation: 1503
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vhatton View Post
He has told me that he and his ex are to blame for the way the kids have turned out. They both have always given them everything and done anything they have asked. When they did wrong, they never punished them. The kids choose what they want to do and when and the parents went along with it.
YUP.

You don't get a say in how other people parent THEIR OWN CHILDREN. Not even when you, the girlfriend of a few years, think you know better. Not even if you actually DO know better.

These are not your children. They are your boyfriend's and his ex-wife's children.
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Old Yesterday, 03:41 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
41,512 posts, read 40,263,192 times
Reputation: 79203
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vhatton View Post

BirdieBelle,
No maíam he does not speak like that in front of any of us, none of our kids do.
So he knows when it's appropriate and when it's not. "Never cuss" isn't one of the choices. He believed that he was in private, with his friends online. Boys say things in front of each other they wouldn't say in front of their parents.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vhatton View Post

He has told me that he and his ex are to blame for the way the kids have turned out. They both have always given them everything and done anything they have asked. When they did wrong, they never punished them. The kids choose what they want to do and when and the parents went along with it.
Well, then they should not be surprised that they are having a hard time enforcing rules right now.

Discipline isn't the same as punishment. It's deliberate teaching over time. There are ways to teach kids without punishing them all the time. If only they had done that over the years, they wouldn't be in this crisis mode right now.

I still think family counseling is in order, mainly for your BF and his kids so your BF can learn how to set boundaries and the kids can express themselves with a moderator present. But the person I worry about the most in this scenario is your daughter. She's been thrust into this situation that she isn't prepared to handle.
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Old Today, 05:55 AM
 
2,663 posts, read 1,440,227 times
Reputation: 2894
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vhatton View Post
Thank you so much for your input.. Yes I know those were manipulative comments and I said that to my BF when I said them. But then I told him, at that point he would have to know what he had to do to get his kids to spend time with him.. because he doesn’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. He doesn’t want to give in to them, but short of that we don’t know how to get them to come over and visit any more..

He wasn’t comfortable with his just playing video video games’ .. we are a very outdoor type family. A few weeks ago to get him off the video game for a few hours we took his son and my daughter to a state park that is close to us to fish and hang out. His son didn’t want to fish and all he kept saying was ‘Dad can we go? I told my friends I’d be back online in a little bit’ ‘How long are we going to be out here?’ Then he just ended up sitting on the dock.. During Jan/Feb when he was here so much of the time, he would just stay closed up in his room playing the game.. Then he would act depressed if we took him away from the game for any length of time and wouldn’t interact with us.
Now I am not speaking for all families but maybe this explanation will help. Family tends to make what children want a problem. Friends don’t. When a parent makes what a child wants a problem, the child will make what the parent wants a problem. This is what has been modeled to them.
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