U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 04-06-2019, 11:43 PM
 
11 posts
Reputation: 11

Advertisements

How would you handle this? Parenting Question..
For those of you that have kids and have been divorced.. I couldn’t find a parenting group that had any activity so I’m hoping y’all can help!

Back story: My BF of 3 yrs has a son that just turned 13 in January and a daughter that will turn 19 in Aug. him and his wife have been divorced about 11-12 yrs.. He went on the road making very good money.. He has told me quite a bit that when he would come home every 2 weeks and get his kids that he would take them and ‘blow & go’ on them... it was nothing for him to drop $2k on them a weekend not to mention the $2k a month that was coming out of his check in child support.. They were always taking trips and eating out all weekend.. literally nothing was off limits. It was as he has said a ‘free for all’ cause he only saw them for a 4 days a month..

3 years ago we got together, I had recently gotten a divorce in Nov 2015 and received my ex’s family owned business.. I was making good money.. I have a daughter that will be 13 in July. About a year into our relationship, we agreed that he would come in off the road and work with me at my store... Unbeknownst to us at the time, my ex was doing all he could to destroy the business and put me out of business..

His kids were coming to the store helping us out, his daughter would work there on Saturdays with us.. Money started getting tight as the business was going down and in Sept 2017, we decided to cut our losses and close it.. he went to work for a friend and I stayed home making basically decent minimum wage selling the rest of the inventory on eBay..

My daughter and I had moved in with him... The a/c started acting up in the house and would freeze up, unusable after running for a few hours.. early spring last year it finally kicked the bucket and we put window units in the bedrooms.. we don’t go out and eat much, we are struggling to pay our bills and have numerous times in the last year have had to hide out trucks at friends houses to keep them from being repossessed.. Our/His house was foreclosed on Sept of last year but we were very fortunate that his Uncle purchased the house and now we make the payments to him every week..

During the summer of last year, his daughter came over once and complained about how hot it was and has not been back, his son stayed with us for a few days during the summer and although had an a/c in his room, called my BF’s mom to come get him at 10pm because it was to hot for him.. my BF’s mom lives on the same 50 acres as us... his son stopped staying with us after that and would talk to his dad on Thursday and ask what we were doing for the weekend and when he would say, ‘just piddling around the house, what time do you want me to pick you up’? His son would say ‘well I’m going to do such and such with mom’ and he wouldn’t come over.. this happened numerous times and he would only come over if we were going to be doing something.. if we weren’t going out to eat, he would call his Nana (my BF’s mom) and have her bring him something for dinner or come get him and take him out to eat.. He refuses to sleep in his room and wants to sleep on the couch.. when my BF is out of town he wants to sleep in our bedroom with me on a pallet on the floor.. When I didn’t let him, he called his mom behind my back to come and get him at 11:30 at night and she did..

His son had been asking, well begging for lol, a PS4 so he could play fortnite.. we got him one for his Bday which is Jan 5th.. although money was very tight for Christmas, we spent $400 on this system.. my BF explained that it was not to go to his moms as the step son that lives over there steals from everyone and is into drugs.. His son has been over here EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND AND ON THURSDAYS since he got the PS4.. all through January and February.. He kept messaging his dad and pleading to take it home with him and my BF has sent me screenshots of him telling his son no and that if the only reason that he was coming over to our house was to play this stupid game, then he would take it away from him..

Well one day his son thought we had left the house and he was home alone and he was playing fortnite but I was outside. As I walked past his bedroom window to come into the house I heard him cussing like a grown man at the game... it was very very vulgar language and was very explicit!! I recorded it as a video on my phone and sent it to my BF.. when he came home that night he (for the FIRST TIME EVER), spanked his son and had him delete fortnite.. his son has not been back over here since.

At the beginning of March, my BF’s mom had a heart attack.. they took her to put stents in and could only do one at the time as her kidneys started shutting down as they couldn’t handle the dye from the procedure.. this was about 3 weeks ago.. in the past 2 weeks, we’ve had to call 911 for her as she is diabetic and her blood sugars had dropped so low she was unresponsive... this past Tuesday she had the 2nd stent put in.. I was available to pick her up from the hospital and on the way back she had told me that my BF’s son had called her last week (before this procedure) and had said ‘Nana would you come it get me, I want to spend time with you’.. she said ‘sure, I’ll be there in a few minutes’.. then he added ‘Well you can take me fishing too’ she told me that she responded with ‘it’s 7 o’clock at night, it’s going to be dark in 30 minutes ‘ he told her ‘Well then I can fish for 15 minutes’.. She explained she would come get him but wouldn’t take him fishing and he said never mind, he’d see her later.... this happens constantly and my BF is aware that he plays these games with everyone in the family and bounces from person to person until someone does what he wants...

We were supposed to have him this weekend but we have yet to see him as he wanted to stay with his Nana last night and my BF had a discussion on the phone with him that he would absolutely be here tonight that he misses him and wants him here... his son refused to answer his phone calls so he had to call his mom to talk to his son.. he messaged his dad last night and said ‘I do not want to come over to your house’ ..as of tonight he is spending the night with my Bfs sister and not with us..

With his daughter.. once our a/c went out, she stopped coming over but stayed in constant contact with her dad. She was here at Christmas, opened her presents, took them all to her room and left.. My BF has made jokes about we should go into her room and get the gifts we gave her last year (2017) and rewrap them and see if she noticed.. She has not been here since Christmas Day..

She is very successful and was an honors student in high school all the while taking college classes and holding down a part time job.. she’s never had any real boyfriends and although she was slightly over weight she was so cute and her smile could light up a room!

In dec of 2018 (mind you she turned 18 in August) she had the surgery where they put the sleeve on your stomach so you won’t eat so much as her mom had had it done about a year ago and like her mom said ‘Well we’ve met our deductible on our insurance so you can have it done for free now’

In October she met a guy that goes to her college on the tinder app... my BF is strongly opposed to this guy... so she has now stopped talking to him because he doesn’t approve of her new boyfriend.. yes it is a race issue, we live in a very small town in the south and people have started messaging my BF about his daughters new boyfriend and showing much concern for her future..

As of right now my BF has been crying half the night that he is a bad parent and has pushed both his kids away and they will never talk to him again.. They were super close before him and I got together and over the past 2 years as money started getting tight for us, They have steadily drifted away.. he has argued with his mom about this and she has told him that if ‘he’d get his head out of my ass (his GF) he could spend time with his kids’ and that she’d pay for it so he could take them somewhere and do something with them .. he even admitted that tonight as we fought about this for about 3 hours... again... that if he would have the money that he did before he wouldn’t be having all these problems with his kids..

I told him my daughter has adjusted to not having the money that she was use to and eating store brands now, but that his kids won’t accept it and now he is losing them over it.. he is heartbroken and I honestly don’t know what to do...

I told him that he can either stand his ground as a parent, that it is their choice to ignore him or he can give in to them as everyone always has.. I told him message your son and tell him he can download fortnite and see how quick he gets over here and then tell your daughter to bring her BF by and you’ll accept him with open arms and see how quickly she’s your ‘babygirl’ again... he said ‘I know that’s exactly what will happen’... but then he added, ‘it’s not the right thing to do’...

Any input on this.. it’s killing me seeing him in this much emotional pain...
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old Yesterday, 04:57 AM
 
2,663 posts, read 1,440,227 times
Reputation: 2894
"See how quick he gets over here" and "see how quickly she's your 'babygirl' again" are manipulative comments to make to your boyfriend.


It might help if your boyfriend is specific about what he wants, rather than just wanting the children to visit him. If the son comes to play video games, that can be considered 'visiting.'
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Yesterday, 05:47 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
41,512 posts, read 40,263,192 times
Reputation: 79203
The simple fact of the matter, even among all this chaos you've described, is that teenagers will go where they are the most comfortable.

They ALWAYS will prefer to be with friends (or socializing with friends by playing a game online,) and they will do almost anything to avoid awkwardness.

Just think about what their lives have been like over the past few years, how the adults in their lives flipped the script and now have these new people living in their house.

You keep focusing on the money aspect of how he used to spend time with his children, before you met, but I would remember that they also were spending a lot of time doing stuff with their dad. No, his "nothing is off limits" approach was NOT beneficial, but at least they had him to themselves back then. Of course they are gonna be on board for that.

The way you two handled the Fortnite situation is just sad. Instead of using that opportunity to teach the boy about how to act, your husband reacted to YOUR reaction and removed the game. The only problem that solves is it takes away one source of YOUR distress. But it doesn't solve any problem involving your stepson.

You heard your stepson being his true 13-year-old self in that moment. Surprise! Boys cuss! Yeah, it's not ideal, but it would have been so much better for his dad to take the opportunity to coach him through this instead of creating more drama and division by punishing him like that. So yeah, in that moment he won over his wife but failed his kid. Grandma may have a point about where his head is.

You also really don't mention your daughter very much, except to state that she appears to be very compliant in spite of the changes in her life. Have you talked to her to make sure she isn't just "going along to get along" among all this mess?

We've gotten your incredibly detailed version of events, but I'm sure each person in this scenario would tell the story differently. If I were you, I would remember that these "kids" are people too instead of subconsciously pitting them all against each other into enemy camps.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Yesterday, 07:45 AM
 
3,933 posts, read 3,603,247 times
Reputation: 10561
I think your boyfriend has made some very unwise decisions regarding his children. He's rejecting his daughter because she is dating across race lines. He's putting his relationship with his girlfriend ahead of his relationship with his teenage son.

The best thing that he could do would be to invite his son to do things together with just him, alone, like fishing or whatever the boy likes to do, to keep that relationship alive. Those don't have to be things that cost money. Also, can't he go back to the lucrative work he used to do, so that he is once again a good provider?

And of course, regarding the daughter, the appropriate thing is to stop rejecting her and her boyfriend because it's an interracial relationship. The daughter sounds as if she has good sense - good grades, going to college, made the difficult and appropriate choice to deal with her morbid obesity MEDICAL problem in a MEDICAL way. BTW, no doctor or medical center will do bariatric surgery, and no insurance will cover it, unless it is medically appropriate - which it must have been in her case.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Yesterday, 08:02 AM
 
553 posts, read 232,134 times
Reputation: 1503
Sounds like you should have left your boyfriend to handle his own matters... he was doing fine before you got together and he started taking your advice.

It's never too late to start. This is not actually any of your business; it's his. You making it yours is a huge problem.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Yesterday, 08:44 AM
 
11 posts
Reputation: 11
Quote:
Originally Posted by elyn02 View Post
"See how quick he gets over here" and "see how quickly she's your 'babygirl' again" are manipulative comments to make to your boyfriend.


It might help if your boyfriend is specific about what he wants, rather than just wanting the children to visit him. If the son comes to play video games, that can be considered 'visiting.'
Thank you so much for your input.. Yes I know those were manipulative comments and I said that to my BF when I said them. But then I told him, at that point he would have to know what he had to do to get his kids to spend time with him.. because he doesn’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. He doesn’t want to give in to them, but short of that we don’t know how to get them to come over and visit any more..

He wasn’t comfortable with his just playing video video games’ .. we are a very outdoor type family. A few weeks ago to get him off the video game for a few hours we took his son and my daughter to a state park that is close to us to fish and hang out. His son didn’t want to fish and all he kept saying was ‘Dad can we go? I told my friends I’d be back online in a little bit’ ‘How long are we going to be out here?’ Then he just ended up sitting on the dock.. During Jan/Feb when he was here so much of the time, he would just stay closed up in his room playing the game.. Then he would act depressed if we took him away from the game for any length of time and wouldn’t interact with us.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Yesterday, 09:27 AM
 
11 posts
Reputation: 11
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
The simple fact of the matter, even among all this chaos you've described, is that teenagers will go where they are the most comfortable.

They ALWAYS will prefer to be with friends (or socializing with friends by playing a game online,) and they will do almost anything to avoid awkwardness.

Just think about what their lives have been like over the past few years, how the adults in their lives flipped the script and now have these new people living in their house.

You keep focusing on the money aspect of how he used to spend time with his children, before you met, but I would remember that they also were spending a lot of time doing stuff with their dad. No, his "nothing is off limits" approach was NOT beneficial, but at least they had him to themselves back then. Of course they are gonna be on board for that.

The way you two handled the Fortnite situation is just sad. Instead of using that opportunity to teach the boy about how to act, your husband reacted to YOUR reaction and removed the game. The only problem that solves is it takes away one source of YOUR distress. But it doesn't solve any problem involving your stepson.

You heard your stepson being his true 13-year-old self in that moment. Surprise! Boys cuss! Yeah, it's not ideal, but it would have been so much better for his dad to take the opportunity to coach him through this instead of creating more drama and division by punishing him like that. So yeah, in that moment he won over his wife but failed his kid. Grandma may have a point about where his head is.

You also really don't mention your daughter very much, except to state that she appears to be very compliant in spite of the changes in her life. Have you talked to her to make sure she isn't just "going along to get along" among all this mess?

We've gotten your incredibly detailed version of events, but I'm sure each person in this scenario would tell the story differently. If I were you, I would remember that these "kids" are people too instead of subconsciously pitting them all against each other into enemy camps.
Thank you so much for your input. I have always stepped back and given my BF space with his kiddos. His daughter use to stop by about 9:30 after she’d get off work and I’d politely excuse myself and go take a shower or read in bed or something so they could have ‘their time’ My BF kept saying but I want you to be part of our convos too! When he would take his son to go do something he’d say I want you and your daughter there too, we are a family.

With the fortnite situation. I didn’t have a reaction to it. I overheard what was being said and videoed it and sent it to my BF. He told me ‘Go in there and tell him that language is not allowed in this house’ I told him I would not, that he needed to come home from his friends house and handle his son. He sent the video to his sons mom who actually called him on the phone (in the 3 years I’ve been here, they only speak via text). She was stunned that her precious baby would speak like this and told my BF that she would also ground him from fortnite at her house. A few hours later when he got home he said he was going to remove the entire gaming system from his sons room but he wanted to handle it in a away that his son didn’t know that I was the one that recorded it. That he didn’t want his son mad at me. he went to his room and closed the door. I did not know he had even spanked him until about a week later.

Yes I have spoken with my daughter at length about this. I’ve had a hard time explaining it to her as she has questioned me a few times about why when he is here he has ‘no rules’ and she does. She has to keep her room cleaned up, pick up after herself, go to bed on time and so forth. When his son is here, he leaves empty plates and cups all over the house, won’t flush the toilet and stays up all hours of the night and then the next morning tells his dad ‘I went to bed at 11’ My daughter just looks at me and then tells me ‘But he was yelling at the game at 4:30 when I got up to use the bathroom’

I know that I have become a lot more lax with my rules of raising my daughter because she sees his son getting away with everything with no repercussions.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Yesterday, 09:45 AM
 
11 posts
Reputation: 11
Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist View Post
I think your boyfriend has made some very unwise decisions regarding his children. He's rejecting his daughter because she is dating across race lines. He's putting his relationship with his girlfriend ahead of his relationship with his teenage son.

The best thing that he could do would be to invite his son to do things together with just him, alone, like fishing or whatever the boy likes to do, to keep that relationship alive. Those don't have to be things that cost money. Also, can't he go back to the lucrative work he used to do, so that he is once again a good provider?

And of course, regarding the daughter, the appropriate thing is to stop rejecting her and her boyfriend because it's an interracial relationship. The daughter sounds as if she has good sense - good grades, going to college, made the difficult and appropriate choice to deal with her morbid obesity MEDICAL problem in a MEDICAL way. BTW, no doctor or medical center will do bariatric surgery, and no insurance will cover it, unless it is medically appropriate - which it must have been in her case.
Hello, thank you very much for your comments. I’m not sure how he is putting our relationship above the ones with his kids. I have always stepped back and given my BF space with his kiddos. His daughter use to stop by after 9 at night after she’d get off work and I’d politely excuse myself and go take a shower or read in bed or something so they could have ‘their time’ My BF kept saying but I want you to be part of our convos too! When he would take his son to go do something he’d say I want you and your daughter there too, we are a family. We do try and do things together.. last Sunday his son said he’d come over if they could go fishing and his dad said yes because he wanted to see him. I had gotten a nasty stomach virus and was in bed all day. They went fishing for about an hour then his son was done and wanted to go home..

With his daughter, she was in no way morbidly obese.. maybe 30# and I think I’m shooting high with that. But, like his son, they have to be eating out constantly. There is no making a healthy meal at home.. I’ve been doing Keto for a little over a year now and have lost almost 40#.. I’d try to talk to his daughter about this and about making healthier choices but she’d just shrug her shoulders and tell me she didn’t have time to eat healthy that fast food was so much easier... She did tell me that her OBGYN had discovered cysts on her ovaries but that they would in no way harm her. But that if she didn’t change the way she ate and start exercising that it might make it hard for her to have children. She had the surgery in dec and was on a liquid diet for 6 weeks.. We get together every Sunday to have dinner at my BFs moms’ house and she is still coming in with half eaten fast food burgers and large cokes.. Her father and I are worried that as she is easing back into ‘normal’ food she is going to run into complications as she starts gaining the weight back.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Yesterday, 09:56 AM
 
11 posts
Reputation: 11
Quote:
Originally Posted by LieslMet View Post
Sounds like you should have left your boyfriend to handle his own matters... he was doing fine before you got together and he started taking your advice.

It's never too late to start. This is not actually any of your business; it's his. You making it yours is a huge problem.
Hello, thank you for your response.. My mother has told me the exact same thing lol BUT on that same note, we are a blended family. We have been living together for 3 years now with plans to marry. My Bf gets on to my daughter when she’s doing something wrong like not staying focused on homework or talking back to me.. I don’t get onto his son, I tell my BF what he is doing and let him handle it.. Just because there has been comments made from his mom about me being in the picture.

I have more rules/expectations/guidelines for my daughter.. and we’ve had problems/discussions before that his son has no rules.. and he is of the thinking ‘I’m not with him but a few days out of the month why would I enforce rules? He is starting to understand in the past year or so how unfair it is to my daughter that his son can do whatever he wants and my daughter just has to sit back and watch knowing she’s not allowed to do it..

That’s why when I took the video of the language his son was doing, and he told me to go in there and tell him we don’t speak like that in this house I told him no I would not, you come home and talk to him..

The comment of ‘he was doing fine before y’all got together and he started taking your advice’ seems a bit crazy to me as you don’t know the entire history. Before we got together there were no rules.. he has told me this.. if the kids wanted fast food at 11pm he got out of bed to go get it for them. If they wanted whatever, no matter how crazy it was, he did it.. He would leave to fly back to work on Monday morning and his mom came in and cleaned the house as the kids were not required to clean up after themselves..When he would buy his son $300 R/C cars and he would break them the first week, he’d go buy another.. there was no teaching responsibility for the things you have.. Dad makes a lot of money so he’ll just buy me another is the mentality..

I talk to my bF about this because it really hurts him.. I don’t think we can have a deep relationship if we basically ignore the parenting difficulties we are having with our individual children.

Last edited by Vhatton; Yesterday at 10:18 AM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Yesterday, 10:00 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
41,512 posts, read 40,263,192 times
Reputation: 79203
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vhatton View Post

Thank you so much for your input. I have always stepped back and given my BF space with his kiddos. His daughter use to stop by about 9:30 after she’d get off work and I’d politely excuse myself and go take a shower or read in bed or something so they could have ‘their time’ My BF kept saying but I want you to be part of our convos too! When he would take his son to go do something he’d say I want you and your daughter there too, we are a family.
You aren't really a family to those kids, though. You and your daughter are two new people they have to accept in their lives because their dad likes her. You aren't even married to each other.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vhatton View Post

With the fortnite situation. I didn’t have a reaction to it.
Yes, you did. Not to the kid, but in general. You were shocked enough to record it, and relay it here with multiple exclamation points and "very very."

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vhatton View Post
I overheard what was being said and videoed it and sent it to my BF. He told me ‘Go in there and tell him that language is not allowed in this house’ I told him I would not, that he needed to come home from his friends house and handle his son. He sent the video to his sons mom who actually called him on the phone (in the 3 years I’ve been here, they only speak via text). She was stunned that her precious baby would speak like this and told my BF that she would also ground him from fortnite at her house. A few hours later when he got home he said he was going to remove the entire gaming system from his sons room but he wanted to handle it in a away that his son didn’t know that I was the one that recorded it. That he didn’t want his son mad at me. he went to his room and closed the door. I did not know he had even spanked him until about a week later.
It's ridiculous that the kid wouldn't know who recorded him. If you were the only one home, unless he's completely clueless how would he NOT know?

And while you now are trying to relay how you "politely excuse yourself" when his daughter comes over etc, the language you used in your OP reveals a LOT of resentment ... referring above to your BF's ex wife and her "precious baby" and the way you talked to him about his "babygirl" and seeing how fast they get over here reveal your true feelings about these people.

Blending families is not easy and does not even always happen. Sometimes people just tolerate each other. Sometimes they don't even do that.

That whole scenario with the cussing and Fortnite is just clumsy tap-dancing based on too many chiefs trying to solve a problem. Luckily grandma wasn't called in as well. You could have and should have just gone in there and dealt with it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vhatton View Post
Yes I have spoken with my daughter at length about this. I’ve had a hard time explaining it to her as she has questioned me a few times about why when he is here he has ‘no rules’ and she does. She has to keep her room cleaned up, pick up after herself, go to bed on time and so forth. When his son is here, he leaves empty plates and cups all over the house, won’t flush the toilet and stays up all hours of the night and then the next morning tells his dad ‘I went to bed at 11’ My daughter just looks at me and then tells me ‘But he was yelling at the game at 4:30 when I got up to use the bathroom’

I know that I have become a lot more lax with my rules of raising my daughter because she sees his son getting away with everything with no repercussions.
This is really not good news, and should be your first priority right now.

I know these kids are being difficult. For the sake of your relationship, please try to be aware of and control the resentment you so obviously feel about them. It's putting your boyfriend in the middle of an impossible situation.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. | Please obey Forum Rules | Terms of Use and Privacy Policy

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top