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Old Today, 10:06 AM
 
117 posts, read 88,611 times
Reputation: 55

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Quote:
Originally Posted by silibran View Post
Yes, yes, yes!

What struck me in your post was how frightened you are. I think you need to find out why you are frightened.

Your DH does not have an inkling about how your lives will change with a child. Frankly his attempts at persuasion sounds immature.

If you cannot feel 100% committed to parenting, then I recommend not having a child. But you need to get your anxiety examined. You need to know if you could open your heart to a child. And your DH needs to get a handle on what parenting involves.

I have three grown children, one of whom became a parent relatively late. Both parents, who are older, are excellent at parenting, and are surviving nicely. You are not too old to be a parent if you are committed to it.

Once a parent, you will always be a parent. And, watching my children grow and develop is the most fascinating thing I ever did. I am thankful for the experience. But I always knew I wanted a family.

Yes, I realized that after I typed it up. To be honest I don’t know where the fear comes from. I have listed all of them up there.

I’m always a worrywart. Being brought up by a narcissist mom, who was controlling and resentful, I hardly had any happy childhood memory. I am not saying it’s that bad, it’s just, nothing happy. There were always fights she picked up towards my dad, endless scolding towards me, slapping or beating sometimes. I remember myself having tears in eyes everyday at the dinner table for many years and tried so hard to not crying and swallowing those damn tears because she hated me crying. I know very clearly from early age that being a mom is not something I want to do simply because I don’t want to be like her. It is a real eye opening later in my life that I realized that not all the moms are like that.

I’m very content with the life as a couple right now and I am worried that it would all changed overnight with a baby. I agree that husband sounds very immature. That’s also how I feel when we talked. I feel like he has the least bit of idea of how a child could change our lives. In fact, that scares me more because the biggest fear for a pessimist is not getting well prepared. He changed his tone quickly after I told him that I don’t want to do this and he could find someone else. Now he is saying that he only wants to stay with me but I couldn’t trust him on this. He could be changing back in a few days.

Last edited by tr2163; Today at 10:26 AM..
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Old Today, 10:12 AM
 
117 posts, read 88,611 times
Reputation: 55
Quote:
Originally Posted by yellowsnow View Post
It's just a fact the female gets stuck with the majority of the child rearing work. And that's what it is, another 24x7 job that doesn't go away. You lose all your freedom and you can't even shower or use the restroom on your schedule. And your body will never be the same either. Forget vacations and trips. Forget sleeping in on the weekends. You get endless dirty diapers and snotty noses. A trip to 7/11 is a major event that requires logistics.

If you have kids, you will love them. But you will also resent them for taking away your life but you knew that in advance so you just suck it up. It's the price you pay unless you are wealthy enough for things like live in nannies. Most people don't have those options. Kids put a huge stress on relationships and your sex life as well.

If you don't want kids, don't have them. I think having kids is an easy decision for men because their lives don't change as much as the women's.

My H was happily child free for years. He watched our friends have them and knew it was a lot of work. We took trips to Europe and they went to Wally World. Then he changed and decided he wanted one. I knew my H well and bottom line, he was a lazy man. He always did the bare minimum and just scraped by. He never did his share. I knew darn well if we had a kid it would be MY problem. That's not even a criticism, just a statement of fact. And I knew it was very unlikely being a father was going to change his lifelong habits. If the baby needed to be changed and he was playing a video game or watching TV...he would let the baby wait! So I said no and told him if that was a dealbreaker for him, he should leave me and find someone else.

I made the right decision for me! If my H wasn't lazy, I might have given in and done it.
Thank you, thatís pretty much how I feel now. I want to have a free life and Iím by no means a nuturing type.
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Old Today, 10:14 AM
 
Location: planet earth
4,187 posts, read 1,549,932 times
Reputation: 9383
OP: Go to couple's counseling to discuss this.
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Old Today, 10:36 AM
 
Location: Dayton, OH
591 posts, read 251,014 times
Reputation: 2511
The happiest couples I personally know are child-free and loving it. They have money in the bank and the time and energy to fully enjoy each others' company to the fullest. Their marriages are rock solid. There is nothing selfish about their choices.

I, too, was ambivalent about bringing children into this world, but my then-husband insisted. Oh, he said he would help, it will be fun. If you want to have anyone sitting around your Thanksgiving table in 20 years, you have to have children. I fell for it. In retrospect, I shouldn't have.

I gave up my career and was a SAHM for 12 years. After 16 years of marriage, we eventually divorced when the kids were in middle school, and I became solely responsible for keeping a roof over our heads and food on the table. Life for me was hell, but I did my parental duty and kept a smile slapped on my face.

Today my boys are both grown young men, educated, productive, decent human beings. Would I do it all again if I knew then what I know now?

Absolutely not.
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Old Today, 10:43 AM
 
117 posts, read 88,611 times
Reputation: 55
Quote:
Originally Posted by OHNot4Me View Post
The happiest couples I personally know are child-free and loving it. They have money in the bank and the time and energy to fully enjoy each others' company to the fullest. Their marriages are rock solid. There is nothing selfish about their choices.

I, too, was ambivalent about bringing children into this world, but my then-husband insisted. Oh, he said he would help, it will be fun. If you want to have anyone sitting around your Thanksgiving table in 20 years, you have to have children. I fell for it. In retrospect, I shouldn't have.

I gave up my career and was a SAHM for 12 years. After 16 years of marriage, we eventually divorced when the kids were in middle school, and I became solely responsible for keeping a roof over our heads and food on the table. Life for me was hell, but I did my parental duty and kept a smile slapped on my face.

Today my boys are both grown young men, educated, productive, decent human beings. Would I do it all again if I knew then what I know now?

Absolutely not.
Did he help and did he find it as fun as he thought?
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Old Today, 10:49 AM
 
Location: Dayton, OH
591 posts, read 251,014 times
Reputation: 2511
No, he didn't help much (he liked to grill outside and mow the lawn). He also traveled extensively for work. I was in charge of the kids, two 80-pound dogs, a 4000 SF house, flower beds, grocery shopping, meal planning and prep, laundry, supervising homework, carpooling, and all the rest.

He wasn't the type to throw a baseball in the backyard with his kids or take them fishing. In fact, he basically ignored them.

So, no. It was 99% on me, and I resented it to be honest. I was lucky that my kids were good kids, great students, obedient, law-abiding, healthy, and active. I hate to think how my life could have been even more difficult if I had had to deal with many of the problems today's parents face.
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Old Today, 11:02 AM
 
5,784 posts, read 6,506,510 times
Reputation: 14831
Quote:
Originally Posted by NSHL10 View Post
Nothing is worse than a parent who despises having had children raising them. If you truly don't want children, please don't have them.
You don't have kids because your husband thinks they are cute and he promises to help take care of them. He sounds like a kid begging his parents for a puppy.

I guess you have by now seen many similar responses.


Raising children is a project. A LOT of work. It is NOT about this silly business of "my child is my best friend" Yuck. It is about feeding, caring, loving and providing the correct upbringing and preparing the bird to leave the next. Many parents today miss that part, and thus you have 30 year old "best friends" living in their childhood bedroom.


I did not want children; neither did my wife. We wanted careers, until she was not willing to put in the work. Then the clock started ticking, and I relented. We disagreed on parenting styles and now are divorced. The children are fine, for what it matters.


My advice is if you don't want children, don't have them. There is absolutely nothing wrong with such a pursuit. You'll be happy, and your non children will be happy. Kids have a way of figuring out VERY quickly when a parent is not overboard about them. Better to avoid that issue.
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Old Today, 11:07 AM
 
Location: Dayton, OH
591 posts, read 251,014 times
Reputation: 2511
"If you are selfish with your time, if you don't want to put yourself through the 9 months, if you don't want to deal with sleep deprivation, crying, screaming, nasty diapers, snot, jam hands, more crying, more tantrums, massive loads of laundry, preparation of every single meal (no more skipping because you just don't feel like it), dropping your kid off, picking your kid up for school, activities, appointments, the extra time it takes you to do anything because you have a kid that you need to take with you, put in a car seat, get out of a car seat, argue with them over putting their shoes on, watching them meltdown in the parking lot because they don't want to put their shoes on, freaking out when you give them a piece of cheese that they just declared their love for yesterday but today they hate it, crying about having to go to bed, take a bath, do their homework....etc. and do that for 18 fricken years with no break, do. not. have. a. kid."

ALL. OF. THIS.

TIMES. A. THOUSAND.

THIS. IS. NO. JOKE.

As you roll the dice, you *might* have a child who has mental health and/or medical issues, run-ins with the law, or substance abuse. Have you thought about how you would cope with THAT?

Remember, bring a child into this world, and there is no going back.

P.S. It's not like the earth is underpopulated.
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Old Today, 11:16 AM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
20,827 posts, read 13,675,485 times
Reputation: 28563
Quote:
Originally Posted by tr2163 View Post
Yes, I realized that after I typed it up. To be honest I donít know where the fear comes from. I have listed all of them up there.

Iím always a worrywart. Being brought up by a narcissist mom, who was controlling and resentful, I hardly had any happy childhood memory. I am not saying itís that bad, itís just, nothing happy. There were always fights she picked up towards my dad, endless scolding towards me, slapping or beating sometimes. I remember myself having tears in eyes everyday at the dinner table for many years and tried so hard to not crying and swallowing those damn tears because she hated me crying. I know very clearly from early age that being a mom is not something I want to do simply because I donít want to be like her. It is a real eye opening later in my life that I realized that not all the moms are like that.

Iím very content with the life as a couple right now and I am worried that it would all changed overnight with a baby. I agree that husband sounds very immature. Thatís also how I feel when we talked. I feel like he has the least bit of idea of how a child could change our lives. In fact, that scares me more because the biggest fear for a pessimist is not getting well prepared. He changed his tone quickly after I told him that I donít want to do this and he could find someone else. Now he is saying that he only wants to stay with me but I couldnít trust him on this. He could be changing back in a few days.
I had an unhappy childhood as well. It does not sound as if mine was as bad as yours, but I get it.

I made up my mind that the bad actions and verbal abuse would stop with me. I was not successful all the time. But I think I was better than my mom.

Whatever you decide, I recommend seeing a family therapist. You should be clear in your own mind why, or why not, you want to have kids. And this goes for your DH as well. He needs to be clear in his own mind.

When I was pregnant for the first time and feeling uneasy, I just told myself if my mother, who really did not have good sense in many respects, could give birth, surely so could I.
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Old Today, 11:19 AM
 
Location: Out West
22,241 posts, read 16,386,029 times
Reputation: 25621
Quote:
Originally Posted by OHNot4Me View Post
"If you are selfish with your time, if you don't want to put yourself through the 9 months, if you don't want to deal with sleep deprivation, crying, screaming, nasty diapers, snot, jam hands, more crying, more tantrums, massive loads of laundry, preparation of every single meal (no more skipping because you just don't feel like it), dropping your kid off, picking your kid up for school, activities, appointments, the extra time it takes you to do anything because you have a kid that you need to take with you, put in a car seat, get out of a car seat, argue with them over putting their shoes on, watching them meltdown in the parking lot because they don't want to put their shoes on, freaking out when you give them a piece of cheese that they just declared their love for yesterday but today they hate it, crying about having to go to bed, take a bath, do their homework....etc. and do that for 18 fricken years with no break, do. not. have. a. kid."

ALL. OF. THIS.

TIMES. A. THOUSAND.

THIS. IS. NO. JOKE.

As you roll the dice, you *might* have a child who has mental health and/or medical issues, run-ins with the law, or substance abuse. Have you thought about how you would cope with THAT?

Remember, bring a child into this world, and there is no going back.

P.S. It's not like the earth is underpopulated.
You know what's the funny part about what I wrote? That's all from observation. I have also observed the really fun times, the touching moments, the joy that one can have with their kid, but the above is a very big part of it, and people who "aren't sure" really need to weigh all of it, not just the fun stuff. They're not going to get a puppy, they would be having a child. Huge difference.

My brother has 2 girls. When they were little, he brought his family to see me and we went to the zoo. All went well during that outing, and I carried the youngest one in front of me using my arms as a seat for her so she could be "sitting" but also facing outwards to enjoy everything. I did that because I know that little kids start getting whiny when they don't want to walk anymore, so I just did it from the start. She loved the attention, she loved her "seat", she loved that she could see everything at relatively the same height as everyone else.

And then, after a very fun day, we went back to my place. I had quarters lying around because the house I lived in didn't have a washing machine or dryer. The quarters were for my laundry. Well, the older one had noticed them and I gave her one quarter. Dear God was that a mistake. The youngest one saw that, started screaming for her quarter, I gave her one, as well, but that! Was NOT! ENOUGH! She wanted ALL of them, and in the 2 hours that she screamed about it helped me remember why I did not want to have kids. I was thinking, "Eh, kids aren't so bad" when we were at the zoo because we'd had such a good time and both of them were thoroughly enjoying the experience. Not one little fuss happened. But then reality hit me in the face during the "Great Quarter Incident Of The Decade". Nope. I do not have the strength for that.
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