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Old Yesterday, 11:29 AM
 
1,921 posts, read 1,209,179 times
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"...sleep deprivation, crying, screaming, nasty diapers, snot, jam hands, more crying, more tantrums, massive loads of laundry, preparation of every single meal (no more skipping because you just don't feel like it), dropping your kid off, picking your kid up for school, activities, appointments, the extra time it takes you to do anything because you have a kid that you need to take with you, put in a car seat, get out of a car seat, argue with them over putting their shoes on, watching them meltdown in the parking lot because they don't want to put their shoes on, freaking out when you give them a piece of cheese that they just declared their love for yesterday but today they hate it, crying about having to go to bed, take a bath, do their homework....etc. and do that for 18 fricken years with no break..."

I am a mother of 5. I read this, smile to myself, think "yup exactly!", chuckle, and think how much I love my kids through all of it. I am a mom, I always wanted to be a mom, I love being a mom. My kids are happy.

If, when you read the above paragraph, it does not make you smile with anticipation of a good hard days work that will require a glass of wine at the end of it but still be incredibly fulfilling and rewarding, then it's probably a good idea to not have kids. Because that paragraph is spot on. Lol.
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Old Yesterday, 12:33 PM
 
9,087 posts, read 3,551,912 times
Reputation: 22922
Quote:
Originally Posted by pkbab5 View Post
"...sleep deprivation, crying, screaming, nasty diapers, snot, jam hands, more crying, more tantrums, massive loads of laundry, preparation of every single meal (no more skipping because you just don't feel like it), dropping your kid off, picking your kid up for school, activities, appointments, the extra time it takes you to do anything because you have a kid that you need to take with you, put in a car seat, get out of a car seat, argue with them over putting their shoes on, watching them meltdown in the parking lot because they don't want to put their shoes on, freaking out when you give them a piece of cheese that they just declared their love for yesterday but today they hate it, crying about having to go to bed, take a bath, do their homework....etc. and do that for 18 fricken years with no break..."

I am a mother of 5. I read this, smile to myself, think "yup exactly!", chuckle, and think how much I love my kids through all of it. I am a mom, I always wanted to be a mom, I love being a mom. My kids are happy.

If, when you read the above paragraph, it does not make you smile with anticipation of a good hard days work that will require a glass of wine at the end of it but still be incredibly fulfilling and rewarding, then it's probably a good idea to not have kids. Because that paragraph is spot on. Lol.
I think you should pat yourself on the back, pkbab, your children sound pretty difficult.

My kids didn't do a lot of screaming, refusing to put on shoes, screaming because they don't like cheese, or crying about not wanting a bath, etc. The years before they were 12 were busy, but by and large happy. Oh, they'd go running through the house with muddy shoes, eat non food stuff that required calls to poison control to ease my mind, etc., but by and large those years were fun. Jumping in puddles, playdough, bbgun competitions, sleepovers, fishing in the pond, cub scouts, fireworks, catching toads, roasting marshmallows, petting zoos, etc.

It's the adolescent and teen years that put grey in my hair. For God's sake.
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Old Yesterday, 12:36 PM
 
38 posts, read 5,960 times
Reputation: 92
To me, having a kid is just what makes the relationship better than we ever experienced. I know that there's a lot of responsibility, but that's just what starting family is.
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Old Yesterday, 12:42 PM
 
5,558 posts, read 1,853,026 times
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I've seen the she-did, he-didn't version as well as the she-didn't, he-did version in real life. In both circumstances, they decided to have kids.

I feel bad for the kids.
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Old Yesterday, 01:13 PM
 
Location: Out West
22,249 posts, read 16,393,567 times
Reputation: 25624
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
I think you should pat yourself on the back, pkbab, your children sound pretty difficult.

My kids didn't do a lot of screaming, refusing to put on shoes, screaming because they don't like cheese, or crying about not wanting a bath, etc. The years before they were 12 were busy, but by and large happy. Oh, they'd go running through the house with muddy shoes, eat non food stuff that required calls to poison control to ease my mind, etc., but by and large those years were fun. Jumping in puddles, playdough, bbgun competitions, sleepovers, fishing in the pond, cub scouts, fireworks, catching toads, roasting marshmallows, petting zoos, etc.

It's the adolescent and teen years that put grey in my hair. For God's sake.
pkbab didn't write that, I did. It's in a post earlier on this thread - for whatever reason, it wasn't quoted with the post I wrote, it was just given quotation marks around that paragraph - causing confusion. This wasn't describing pkbab's kids, it was me describing what I've seen parents have to endure with their kids. Not all of them were from the same family, these are merely observations I have seen over time. It is these observations that cemented my stance on not wanting to have kids. I wrote that to illustrate to the OP that it's not all fun and playing, there's a whole lot more that goes into it. No, I'm not a parent. I've observed these things - these actually happen to parents. If the OP doesn't think she can or even wants to handle any of that, she shouldn't be having kids. That was my point for writing that paragraph.

"You don't have a kid, why are you even here?"

Because I've been a kid who lived with "parents" who didn't want their kids. Don't make a kid suffer if you don't really want them.
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Old Yesterday, 01:23 PM
 
Location: San Antonio (outside 1604)
48 posts, read 75,225 times
Reputation: 69
Quote:
Originally Posted by newtovenice View Post
I've seen the she-did, he-didn't version as well as the she-didn't, he-did version in real life. In both circumstances, they decided to have kids.

I feel bad for the kids.



Exactly. I feel very bad for kids who are brought into those circumstances.


In my large circle of friends, of the couples where one spouse wanted kids and the other did not, 8 of 11 of the those who went on to have kids have since divorced.


As a 58 (soon to be 59) year old childfree woman (happily married to a childfree spouse), I encourage the OP to by herself talk with a therapist and sort out her own feelings prior to undergoing any type of marriage counseling.
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Old Yesterday, 01:23 PM
 
Location: Dayton, OH
591 posts, read 251,661 times
Reputation: 2511
Quote:
Originally Posted by milesdavid View Post
To me, having a kid is just what makes the relationship better than we ever experienced. I know that there's a lot of responsibility, but that's just what starting family is.
User name notwithstanding, I strongly suspect this is a man's point of view.
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Old Yesterday, 01:25 PM
 
Location: Dallas TX
14,845 posts, read 21,331,309 times
Reputation: 21712
Quote:
Originally Posted by tr2163 View Post
I see what you mean. To me they are more or less the same. I donít have the desire because every time I picture it into details, it freaks me out, like real panic attack. I feel enormous amount of pressure and couldnít breath when husband said he wanted one. I canít say that I never once wanted to have my own, Iím pleased with my imaginary child when I donít need to do any work like growing a plant, but the ideal of having one quickly gets buried into my fear if I start planning on it.
Now since you have clarified the desire not to have children, do not have a child to make your husband happy.

Parenthood is hard, very hard for someone who wants kids. This is absolutely no place to compromise in a marriage. If your husband really wants kids, you are not the wife for him and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
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Old Yesterday, 02:18 PM
 
6,410 posts, read 3,664,438 times
Reputation: 14820
Kids are a lot of work and very expensive, so don't do it to make your husband happy. Neither of you will be happy unless you both want to be parents. Children definitely change things and both parents need embrace the changes.
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Old Yesterday, 03:25 PM
 
252 posts, read 118,859 times
Reputation: 983
Quote:
Originally Posted by Harpaint View Post
Kids are a lot of work and very expensive, so don't do it to make your husband happy. Neither of you will be happy unless you both want to be parents. Children definitely change things and both parents need embrace the changes.
Some prospective parents do not even consider the economic consequences of having a child. It would be wise to consider the financial or economic situation as one calculus among several by a couple contemplating starting a family.

The USDA (U.S. Department of Agriculture) keeps track of the cost of raising a child from age one through 17; the cost in 2018 was $233,610: https://www.cnpp.usda.gov/expenditur...-annual-report

Note that since this calculator only goes through age seventeen, the cost of higher education -- college -- is not included.

Also the USDA provides a calculator where one can estimate how much it would cost annually to raise a child (link provided at the previous hypertext link).

It is important for the couple to make an informed decision, taking all factors into consideration, financial and otherwise.
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