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Old Yesterday, 03:47 PM
 
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Well, if you stay on the fence, it would be hard to have children anyway. I mean, how acrobatic is your husband?
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Old Yesterday, 03:50 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by townshend View Post
Some prospective parents do not even consider the economic consequences of having a child. It would be wise to consider the financial or economic situation as one calculus among several by a couple contemplating starting a family.

The USDA (U.S. Department of Agriculture) keeps track of the cost of raising a child from age one through 17; the cost in 2018 was $233,610: https://www.cnpp.usda.gov/expenditur...-annual-report

Note that since this calculator only goes through age seventeen, the cost of higher education -- college -- is not included.

Also the USDA provides a calculator where one can estimate how much it would cost annually to raise a child (link provided at the previous hypertext link).

It is important for the couple to make an informed decision, taking all factors into consideration, financial and otherwise.
Yikes!

If I had seen these figures, I wouldn't have kids. The truth is they don't eat that much! These figures include childcare/daycare costs.

I was never baby crazy, in fact, I was unsure about children. My mother wasn't warm or loving. I don't think she ever wanted kids. I stayed home with my kids out of reaction to my childhood. I didn't want to same relationship with my kids that I had with my mother.

Honestly, raising my children are the best thing I ever did. No amount of career success could compete with the sense of accomplishment I have from being a SAHM.

It might be best if you divorce.
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Old Yesterday, 05:21 PM
 
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agree with JessieD: have a kid or have divorce.
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Old Yesterday, 06:27 PM
 
3,943 posts, read 3,606,027 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OHNot4Me View Post
The happiest couples I personally know are child-free and loving it. They have money in the bank and the time and energy to fully enjoy each others' company to the fullest. Their marriages are rock solid. There is nothing selfish about their choices.

I, too, was ambivalent about bringing children into this world, but my then-husband insisted. Oh, he said he would help, it will be fun. If you want to have anyone sitting around your Thanksgiving table in 20 years, you have to have children. I fell for it. In retrospect, I shouldn't have.

I gave up my career and was a SAHM for 12 years. After 16 years of marriage, we eventually divorced when the kids were in middle school, and I became solely responsible for keeping a roof over our heads and food on the table. Life for me was hell, but I did my parental duty and kept a smile slapped on my face.

Today my boys are both grown young men, educated, productive, decent human beings. Would I do it all again if I knew then what I know now?

Absolutely not.
I feel very badly for you. How horrible. I'm glad that you were able to do your duty by your children, sorry that you had to do it alone and under such circumstances.
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Old Yesterday, 06:31 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Serious Conversation View Post
That's kind of been my line of thinking.

I'm a guy. I'll be 33 in a couple of weeks. It's unlikely I'll have kids by the time I'm 34. I don't necessarily want to be the "old dad."

My uncle is 63 with one kid still in college. He's in good health, affluent, and still running his own business. It would be a real burden to someone in poor health needing to retire on a more average income.
We're gonna be 60 when last kid graduates from high school. Fortunately, it's a very good and easy child, low stress. But there's also the issue of being ALIVE to finish raising the kids, when you start so late!
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Old Yesterday, 06:33 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
20,832 posts, read 13,684,867 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by turkeydance View Post
agree with JessieD: have a kid or have divorce.
I think they need to do some family counseling before deciding their desires are not compatible. It could be that both of them decide they want the same thing.

I was not going to do this, but so many of you have posted about your negative feelings about parenthood, I think Iíll post my two cents. You know that Dr. Seuss passage about the Grinchís heart growing two sizes? Thatís how I view what happens when you become a parentóyour heart grows. It is then that most of us truly grow up. We become responsible for this tiny dependent being who carries our DNA and who grabs our hearts and souls. I think that the first weeks of parenthood are akin to having a crush. We adore this tiny person who grabs our fingers and smiles. There is nothing else, nothing else, like it. And every day with this new soul is an adventure. You will laugh with delight and cry with frustration, but it will never be boring.

If this adventure of the optimistic heart is not for you, then I agree, you should forgo parenthood.
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Old Yesterday, 06:40 PM
 
3,943 posts, read 3,606,027 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tr2163 View Post
Yes, I realized that after I typed it up. To be honest I donít know where the fear comes from. I have listed all of them up there.

Iím always a worrywart. Being brought up by a narcissist mom, who was controlling and resentful, I hardly had any happy childhood memory. I am not saying itís that bad, itís just, nothing happy. There were always fights she picked up towards my dad, endless scolding towards me, slapping or beating sometimes. I remember myself having tears in eyes everyday at the dinner table for many years and tried so hard to not crying and swallowing those damn tears because she hated me crying. I know very clearly from early age that being a mom is not something I want to do simply because I donít want to be like her. It is a real eye opening later in my life that I realized that not all the moms are like that.

Iím very content with the life as a couple right now and I am worried that it would all changed overnight with a baby. I agree that husband sounds very immature. Thatís also how I feel when we talked. I feel like he has the least bit of idea of how a child could change our lives. In fact, that scares me more because the biggest fear for a pessimist is not getting well prepared. He changed his tone quickly after I told him that I donít want to do this and he could find someone else. Now he is saying that he only wants to stay with me but I couldnít trust him on this. He could be changing back in a few days.
I don't think it's only your childhood causing this. I had a mother who was physically affectionate, but also very "free with her hands", angry, was just so burnt out. Still, I always knew I wanted kids. I just wanted to be sure I didn't perpetuate the physical abuse I (and she) was raised with.

I think you just really don't want to do it, and you have very good reasons not to. Share them with him. Tell him all this. And I think it's good that you told him that you don't want to do it so much, that if this is that important to him, he needs to find someone else. Good for you!
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Old Yesterday, 07:10 PM
Status: "Spring has Sprung!" (set 15 days ago)
 
Location: Foot of the Rockies
86,271 posts, read 101,301,906 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist View Post
We're gonna be 60 when last kid graduates from high school. Fortunately, it's a very good and easy child, low stress. But there's also the issue of being ALIVE to finish raising the kids, when you start so late!
DH and I were 57 and 56 (me just by a few days) when the youngest graduated. But really. . . We're 12 years older now and still here. The oldest, following her mom's footsteps, is going to have her first in July. We will have lived to see our children's children, as it says in the Bible. We saw them both get married, graduate from college including their graduate degrees. If you have a child at 35, you can expect, if male, to live another 43 years; if female another 47.
https://www.ssa.gov/oact/STATS/table4c6.html

Quote:
Originally Posted by silibran View Post
I think they need to do some family counseling before deciding their desires are not compatible. It could be that both of them decide they want the same thing.

I was not going to do this, but so many of you have posted about your negative feelings about parenthood, I think I’ll post my two cents. You know that Dr. Seuss passage about the Grinch’s heart growing two sizes? That’s how I view what happens when you become a parent—your heart grows. It is then that most of us truly grow up. We become responsible for this tiny dependent being who carries our DNA and who grabs our hearts and souls. I think that the first weeks of parenthood are akin to having a crush. We adore this tiny person who grabs our fingers and smiles. There is nothing else, nothing else, like it. And every day with this new soul is an adventure. You will laugh with delight and cry with frustration, but it will never be boring.

If this adventure of the optimistic heart is not for you, then I agree, you should forgo parenthood.
I was not going to say this either, but. . .I know of a few people who didn't want kids who got pregnant by accident and chose to become parents. They loved parenting! Not, mind you, that I think you should consciously become a parent if you really don't want to.
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Old Yesterday, 07:17 PM
 
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Having children is very challenging, frustrating, rewarding and gratifying. It brings me a lot of joy and a lot of sadness. Because I worry about them and want to make sure they are safe, happy and healthy. But my relationship with my wife has suffered and we're trying our best to make the marriage work at times. Every day its a challenge. But the reward is seeing the happy faces on my kids, when they smile at me, when they give me hugs, when they tell me how much they love me, etc. You gotta take the good and the bad. But to me the good overwhelmingly outweighs the bad. I didn't want kids at one point but now they are my life.

BUT, OP if you are not on board with all this work, sacrifice, frustration, sleep deprivation and challenges of having a child PLEASE DO NOT HAVE ANY!!!
We have way too many people on this planet who bring kids into this world and fail to be parents. If your husband really wants one and you definitely do not then you need to make it clear to him. As a matter of fact I suggest that you take this a bit further and get your tubes tide that way you can put an exclamation point on your stance.

Please OP, do yourself and your spouse a favor and make sure you both talk about this and let him know how you feel.
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Old Yesterday, 08:08 PM
 
6,410 posts, read 3,664,438 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by silibran View Post
I think they need to do some family counseling before deciding their desires are not compatible. It could be that both of them decide they want the same thing.

I was not going to do this, but so many of you have posted about your negative feelings about parenthood, I think Iíll post my two cents. You know that Dr. Seuss passage about the Grinchís heart growing two sizes? Thatís how I view what happens when you become a parentóyour heart grows. It is then that most of us truly grow up. We become responsible for this tiny dependent being who carries our DNA and who grabs our hearts and souls. I think that the first weeks of parenthood are akin to having a crush. We adore this tiny person who grabs our fingers and smiles. There is nothing else, nothing else, like it. And every day with this new soul is an adventure. You will laugh with delight and cry with frustration, but it will never be boring.

If this adventure of the optimistic heart is not for you, then I agree, you should forgo parenthood.

Yes, for many of us parenting our babies was the beginning of life's biggest thrill and satisfaction. I wonder if the hesitation so many younger people feel now is at least partly due to never having spent time with babies or young children. In the 50's through the 80's it seems like it was almost impossible to grow up without being surrounded by lots of other kids, both younger and older. When I worked as an RN in Maternity, I saw more and more new mothers who had never even held a baby.
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