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Old Yesterday, 08:54 PM
 
1,344 posts, read 504,418 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tr2163 View Post
Husband and I have been married happily for over ten years and we are now in our mid 30s. I am always very grateful that we are still so in love with each other. Knowing him is definitely the best thing that ever happened to me.
Before getting married, We talked about not having kids but that was long ago when we were very young college students. It just seemed so far away from us at that time and we were so focusing on studying and career. I never feel the wanting of having kids in my life and he stated clearly that he didnít need one either. For many years, I think we could be happy CF couple forever. On the other hand, deep down in my heart, I feel like having kids is an obligation and not having one would be considered ďnot normalĒ. ( sorry I know itís nonsense but thatís how I feel ). So basically I donít feel any desire of a having a child but I think I might end up having one eventually.
We talked about this again recently and Iíve noticed that my husband has slowly changed his tone. In the past he would say something like ď no, we wonít have kids so donít worry ď, but he wonít say it now. I kept on pressing him and he finally admitted that he might want one because he thought kids are cute, and we might be good parents. I asked if he has changed his mind and he said he never really thought about it seriously. I told him that I am very scared of having a child and being a mom is not something I plan for myself. He tried persuading me by saying that he would be a great dad and do most of the work, and I would love our baby because he/she will look like a mini me. Our neighbor has a toddler and he also says that it is fun to have a little one to play with just like what they are doing everyday ...
I have been thinking hard since our talk. First I really donít want him to be unhappy in this marriage just because his wife is not sure about having a kid. If he really wants one I might give in because if not, I think we might get a divorce some day but it really pains me to think about this. He says that he would rather stay with me without a kid but I donít know if that is what I want. second, Iíve been thinking about the possibility of having one. I am not a total CF and I thought maybe I would have one one day, but it really scares me when I tries to bring it up to agenda. The imagination of pregnancy, the sleep deprivation, the child rearing life make me cry and I donít even know where the point is. I am also worried that having a kid would put a strain on our relationship and we would never be so close with each other. I tried hard to talk me into this but the more I think the more frightened I become. Meanwhile, we are both in our mid 30s and clock is ticking...
Thanks for your patience of reading and sorry for my grammar because I couldnít think clearly now. I need some 3rd party view desperately but I donít really know who to talk to in real life. Our families have already gave us lots of pressure on this topic and most of our friends would never understand CF.
Very simple...don't do something that you don't want to do.Period. Who's to say that maybe down the line your mind might change...maybe but if it doesn't, it doesn't. Sounds like your husband's mind is now changing to the idea of having a child and your mind isn't where his is.I hope this doesn't break up your marriage because I'm sure it gets really annoying when he brings up this topic and you know how you really feel still.You don't have a child just because you're partner wants one years and years later...especially after you had talked about it years ago.But sometimes people's mind do change and it looks like his is one of them.All that biological clock crap is a bunch of BS. You should have a child only when you want and feel that you're ready.If that times never comes then it never comes.He can't force you to have a child just out of guilt because you know he's now feeling ready to have one.I hope you guys work out this issue.
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Old Yesterday, 09:56 PM
 
4,479 posts, read 3,806,856 times
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Do not have kids unless you really, really want to be a Mom.

There is absolutely no shame in not having kids. Go see a counselor to help you sort this out.
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Old Yesterday, 10:51 PM
 
1,192 posts, read 753,639 times
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One person wants kids.

The other doesn't.

It doesn't get much more irreconcilable than that.
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Old Today, 01:23 AM
 
3,944 posts, read 3,606,027 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Harpaint View Post
Yes, for many of us parenting our babies was the beginning of life's biggest thrill and satisfaction. I wonder if the hesitation so many younger people feel now is at least partly due to never having spent time with babies or young children. In the 50's through the 80's it seems like it was almost impossible to grow up without being surrounded by lots of other kids, both younger and older. When I worked as an RN in Maternity, I saw more and more new mothers who had never even held a baby.
Not in NYC. After the baby boom was over, in my area, it seemed as if no one had kids. It was so unusual to see a pregnant woman, that I remember in the early to mid 70s staring at a pregnant woman on the bus - it was such a rare sight.

But I think that a lot of people who grew up in large baby boom families delayed child bearing, or didn't have them, partly because they HAD grown up in large families! There's the classic situation of the "super" big sister, in a large Catholic family, who helped raise all those younger sibs, and then didn't marry or have any kids, because she'd already done it.

It's funny, if you ask little girls whether they want to have children some day, they've already got pretty definite ideas about it. I think some of us are hardwired to want it, and some not.
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Old Today, 03:49 AM
 
Location: Sugarland
13,620 posts, read 12,395,162 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gentlearts View Post
I would never tell another woman to have a baby if she truly doesnít want one. There is a lot to be said for childlessness. You get to stay selfish and self absorbed forever, and you are free to do that.

I had 4 kids, and it was a blur.... it wasnít easy, but it was exhilarating. I picture childless people spending long, boring evenings, listening to classical music, and reading books....pastimes for the elderly, not for people in the prime of life.

OP needs to take the advice about counseling. She must be prepared to lose this marriage, because it might come to that.
I don't imagine that people with kids are doing anything exciting with their evenings either or at least not anything that I'd want to be doing.
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Old Today, 04:48 AM
Status: "slow recovery flu" (set 5 days ago)
 
Location: Europe
1,537 posts, read 1,226,869 times
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See www.mumsnet.com look up thread "How did you decide you want children or don"t?" Mumsnet forum has more threads on same subject.If you soon visit your GP or gyn/ob ask them, they will refer you somewhere to talk and get advice on this.
I am an older mom got DD 2 months short of turning 40 yrs in pre-menopause.
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Old Today, 04:53 AM
 
Location: SW Florida
9,815 posts, read 4,516,142 times
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Kids change your life forever and not always in a good way. That trip to the mall you used to make at a moment's notice? Not happening anymore. Now you have to pack up all the baby paraphernalia: stroller, diaper bag, plenty of diapers, change of clothes, etc. Sleeping in on the weekend? A distant memory. My late husband and I had a good marriage UNTIL we had kids. We had completely different parenting styles and I was stuck in the role of bad cop because he always wanted to be good cop. He was also very laid back and permissive and let them do whatever they wanted because he wanted to be their friend.

I have 2 sons, one is a self sufficient young man and the other one got involved with drugs and at 32 still has not made a life for himself. He always makes the wrong choices and unfortunately his bad choices have affected my life also. Plus if you are a good parent you will always worry about your kids, whether they are 2 years old or 36 years old.

Some people think our lives aren't complete without children. I disagree. You have to know yourself and know that you aren't always going to get the perfect child. I love my boys but if I had it to do over again I'm not sure I would. And for those who want to admonish me saying my boys probably know that I feel that way, they don't. They know they are loved and I show them every day.
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Old Today, 05:05 AM
 
372 posts, read 68,559 times
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He sounds likes he's bored and wants a lifestyle change.
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Old Today, 05:13 AM
 
3,563 posts, read 1,492,942 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by silibran View Post
I think they need to do some family counseling before deciding their desires are not compatible. It could be that both of them decide they want the same thing.

I was not going to do this, but so many of you have posted about your negative feelings about parenthood, I think Iíll post my two cents. You know that Dr. Seuss passage about the Grinchís heart growing two sizes? Thatís how I view what happens when you become a parentóyour heart grows. It is then that most of us truly grow up. We become responsible for this tiny dependent being who carries our DNA and who grabs our hearts and souls. I think that the first weeks of parenthood are akin to having a crush. We adore this tiny person who grabs our fingers and smiles. There is nothing else, nothing else, like it. And every day with this new soul is an adventure. You will laugh with delight and cry with frustration, but it will never be boring.

If this adventure of the optimistic heart is not for you, then I agree, you should forgo parenthood.
Except that isnít true for everyone, and that is the problem. I have certainly known people who had parents who didnít really want kids, or who were married to people with a mom or dad who really didnít want kids. They could absolutely tell. There is no guarantee that this magical moment will happen, particularly if a person goes into parenthood not really wanting to have kids.

I have some friends who say if they were to do it again, they arenít sure they would have done it. Of course they love their kids, but it wasnít necessarily a positive experience for them.
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Old Today, 06:21 AM
 
Location: Northern Virginia
4,955 posts, read 5,187,795 times
Reputation: 12053
Quote:
Originally Posted by gentlearts View Post
I would never tell another woman to have a baby if she truly doesn’t want one. There is a lot to be said for childlessness. You get to stay selfish and self absorbed forever, and you are free to do that.

I had 4 kids, and it was a blur.... it wasn’t easy, but it was exhilarating. I picture childless people spending long, boring evenings, listening to classical music, and reading books....pastimes for the elderly, not for people in the prime of life.

OP needs to take the advice about counseling. She must be prepared to lose this marriage, because it might come to that.
The bolded statement above is offensive. Because I chose not to have children, because I didn't want children, because I never felt that maternal need to be fulfilled, does not make me selfish and self absorbed.

Let me flip it around on you:

Does it make you selfish and self absorbed that you had children because it's something you wanted? Does it make you selfish that you had children to satisfy a need you had? Of course it doesn't.

Your line of thinking is a part of why OP feels society's pressure for women to have children. No one wants to be incorrectly judged as being selfish.

Now I must return to lounging on the chaise while listening to Tchaikovsky's Piano Concerto No. 1 and sipping a glass of pinot noir while I read the Genius of Birds by Jennifer Ackerman.

Last edited by HokieFan; Today at 06:44 AM..
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