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Old Yesterday, 08:26 PM
 
117 posts, read 88,611 times
Reputation: 55

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Husband and I have been married happily for over ten years and we are now in our mid 30s. I am always very grateful that we are still so in love with each other. Knowing him is definitely the best thing that ever happened to me.
Before getting married, We talked about not having kids but that was long ago when we were very young college students. It just seemed so far away from us at that time and we were so focusing on studying and career. I never feel the wanting of having kids in my life and he stated clearly that he didn’t need one either. For many years, I think we could be happy CF couple forever. On the other hand, deep down in my heart, I feel like having kids is an obligation and not having one would be considered “not normal”. ( sorry I know it’s nonsense but that’s how I feel ). So basically I don’t feel any desire of a having a child but I think I might end up having one eventually.
We talked about this again recently and I’ve noticed that my husband has slowly changed his tone. In the past he would say something like “ no, we won’t have kids so don’t worry “, but he won’t say it now. I kept on pressing him and he finally admitted that he might want one because he thought kids are cute, and we might be good parents. I asked if he has changed his mind and he said he never really thought about it seriously. I told him that I am very scared of having a child and being a mom is not something I plan for myself. He tried persuading me by saying that he would be a great dad and do most of the work, and I would love our baby because he/she will look like a mini me. Our neighbor has a toddler and he also says that it is fun to have a little one to play with just like what they are doing everyday ...
I have been thinking hard since our talk. First I really don’t want him to be unhappy in this marriage just because his wife is not sure about having a kid. If he really wants one I might give in because if not, I think we might get a divorce some day but it really pains me to think about this. He says that he would rather stay with me without a kid but I don’t know if that is what I want. second, I’ve been thinking about the possibility of having one. I am not a total CF and I thought maybe I would have one one day, but it really scares me when I tries to bring it up to agenda. The imagination of pregnancy, the sleep deprivation, the child rearing life make me cry and I don’t even know where the point is. I am also worried that having a kid would put a strain on our relationship and we would never be so close with each other. I tried hard to talk me into this but the more I think the more frightened I become. Meanwhile, we are both in our mid 30s and clock is ticking...
Thanks for your patience of reading and sorry for my grammar because I couldn’t think clearly now. I need some 3rd party view desperately but I don’t really know who to talk to in real life. Our families have already gave us lots of pressure on this topic and most of our friends would never understand CF.

Last edited by tr2163; Yesterday at 09:04 PM..
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Old Yesterday, 08:39 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
41,517 posts, read 40,263,192 times
Reputation: 79203
Quote:
Originally Posted by tr2163 View Post
Husband and I have been married happily for over ten years and we are now in our mid 30s. I am always very grateful that we are still so in love with each other. Knowing him is definitely the best thing that ever happened to me.
Before getting married, We talked about not having kids but that was long ago when we were very young college students. It just seemed so far away from us at that time and we were so focusing on studying and career. I never feel the wanting of having kids in my life and he stated clearly that he didn’t need one either. For many years, I think we could be happy CF couple forever. On the other hand, deep down in my heart, I feel like having kids is an obligation and not having one would be considered “not normal”. ( sorry I know it’s nonsense but that’s how I feel ). So basically I don’t feel any desire of a having a child but I think I might end up having one eventually.
We talked about this again recently and I’ve noticed that my husband has slowly changed his altitude. In the past he would say something like “ no, we won’t have kids so don’t worry “, but now he admits that he might want one because he thinks kids are cute, and we might be good parents. I asked if he has changed his mind and he said he never really thought about it seriously. I told him that I am very scared of having a child and being a mom is not something I plan for myself. He tried persuading me by saying that he would be a great dad and do most of the work, and I might like he/she because he/she will look like a mini me. Our neighbor has a toddler and he says that it is fun to have a little one to play with just like what they do...
I have been thinking hard since our talk. First I really don’t want him to be unhappy in this marriage just because his wife doesn’t want a kid. If he really wants one, I think we might get a divorce some day but it really pains me to think about this. He says that he would rather stay with me without a kid but I don’t know....second, I’ve been thinking about the possibility of having one. I am not a total CF and I thought maybe I would have one one day, but it really scares me when I tries to bring it up to agenda. The pregnancy, the sleep deprivation, the child rearing life all seem so unbearable and I don’t even know where the point is. I tried hard to talk me into this but the more I think the more frightened I become. Meanwhile, we are both in our mid 30s and need to decide soon...
Thanks for your patience of reading and sorry for my grammar. I couldn’t think clearly now and I need some 3rd party view desperately.
As a parent of three myself, including a set of twins, I always think that if one part of a couple definitely does not want kids, they should not have kids. Children should be wanted by both parents.

ON the other hand, I recognize your fears as coming from someone who is mostly viewing the (very real!) negatives of the situation (pain, stress, sleep loss, etc) without knowing the very real benefits of having a child. It's easy to do from your side of the fence.

Even so, take time to pay attention to your thoughts and feelings about this. You really need to know yourself. I can honestly say that having kids was simultaneously the worst thing that ever happened to me and the best thing that ever happened to me. I know it doesn't seem possible. The worst? Because I could no longer live just for me, a lesson I unfortunately didn't learn "all the way" as part of a married couple and had to learn after becoming a mom.

Best? It's hard to describe unless you've been through it. But I cannot imagine my life without my children in it.

Either way, I am not going to convince you that you should try. You have to know yourself and trust yourself. Yes, it's a game-changer like no other. There will always be reasons not to do it. You have to figure out which of those reasons matter most.

It may help you to understand that, no matter what you decide, there will be a loss. If you remain child-free, you simply won't experience being a parent. And if you choose to have a baby, you will be giving up some things you get to do now. Knowing that ought to free you up to go with what you really want and make a decision you can live with.
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Old Yesterday, 08:53 PM
 
5,327 posts, read 6,794,688 times
Reputation: 3884
Nothing is worse than a parent who despises having had children raising them. If you truly don't want children, please don't have them.
You don't have kids because your husband thinks they are cute and he promises to help take care of them. He sounds like a kid begging his parents for a puppy.
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Old Yesterday, 10:56 PM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
11,056 posts, read 19,880,062 times
Reputation: 26041
If you don't want kids, then you shouldn't have them. They're as much work as you're imagining, and then some. Being a parent is rewarding, but it changes everything about your life. You can't be spontaneous with a kid. They need routine. You can't just think of something fun to do, grab your husband, and go do the fun thing. You've got to plan ahead and be prepared for those plans to still fall apart.

I'm 40 and my kids are both teenagers now. By the time I'm 45, my youngest will be 18. When I see my friends having babies, I secretly think they're nuts. Who wants to be 60 with a kid still in college? My brother in law will be 59 when his kid is 18. That's crazy to me. He looks exhausted all the time trying to keep up with a 3 year old. When he first wanted a kid ten years ago, my sister got him a dog and said if he could take care of a dog for a while, they could have a baby. But it's nowhere near the same thing.
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Old Today, 12:01 AM
 
Location: Out West
22,230 posts, read 16,386,029 times
Reputation: 25597
Quote:
Originally Posted by tr2163 View Post
Husband and I have been married happily for over ten years and we are now in our mid 30s. I am always very grateful that we are still so in love with each other. Knowing him is definitely the best thing that ever happened to me.
Before getting married, We talked about not having kids but that was long ago when we were very young college students. It just seemed so far away from us at that time and we were so focusing on studying and career. I never feel the wanting of having kids in my life and he stated clearly that he didn’t need one either. For many years, I think we could be happy CF couple forever. On the other hand, deep down in my heart, I feel like having kids is an obligation and not having one would be considered “not normal”. ( sorry I know it’s nonsense but that’s how I feel ). So basically I don’t feel any desire of a having a child but I think I might end up having one eventually.
We talked about this again recently and I’ve noticed that my husband has slowly changed his tone. In the past he would say something like “ no, we won’t have kids so don’t worry “, but he won’t say it now. I kept on pressing him and he finally admitted that he might want one because he thought kids are cute, and we might be good parents. I asked if he has changed his mind and he said he never really thought about it seriously. I told him that I am very scared of having a child and being a mom is not something I plan for myself. He tried persuading me by saying that he would be a great dad and do most of the work, and I would love our baby because he/she will look like a mini me. Our neighbor has a toddler and he also says that it is fun to have a little one to play with just like what they are doing everyday ...
I have been thinking hard since our talk. First I really don’t want him to be unhappy in this marriage just because his wife is not sure about having a kid. If he really wants one I might give in because if not, I think we might get a divorce some day but it really pains me to think about this. He says that he would rather stay with me without a kid but I don’t know if that is what I want. second, I’ve been thinking about the possibility of having one. I am not a total CF and I thought maybe I would have one one day, but it really scares me when I tries to bring it up to agenda. The imagination of pregnancy, the sleep deprivation, the child rearing life make me cry and I don’t even know where the point is. I am also worried that having a kid would put a strain on our relationship and we would never be so close with each other. I tried hard to talk me into this but the more I think the more frightened I become. Meanwhile, we are both in our mid 30s and clock is ticking...
Thanks for your patience of reading and sorry for my grammar because I couldn’t think clearly now. I need some 3rd party view desperately but I don’t really know who to talk to in real life. Our families have already gave us lots of pressure on this topic and most of our friends would never understand CF.
"He tried persuading me by saying that...I would love our baby because he/she will look like a mini me."

That is the dumbest reason to have a kid. If you don't want a kid, do not have a kid. Do not make a kid pay for it when you resent anything about them because you didn't want them. You don't even have to say anything to the kid, kids know. Trust me on this one...they know.

I get exhausted just watching parents with their kids, even for short times in the grocery store when the kid is having an all out tantrum, the mom looks exhausted and depleted...you have to want to have a kid to endure that.

As for him "doing most of the work", that's not how it works. You both have to put in a lot of work. If you don't want to, don't have a kid.

It is not abnormal for people not to have kids. You don't need to live your life the way society tells you is "normal". We have all kinds of people in this society.

If you are selfish with your time, if you don't want to put yourself through the 9 months, if you don't want to deal with sleep deprivation, crying, screaming, nasty diapers, snot, jam hands, more crying, more tantrums, massive loads of laundry, preparation of every single meal (no more skipping because you just don't feel like it), dropping your kid off, picking your kid up for school, activities, appointments, the extra time it takes you to do anything because you have a kid that you need to take with you, put in a car seat, get out of a car seat, argue with them over putting their shoes on, watching them meltdown in the parking lot because they don't want to put their shoes on, freaking out when you give them a piece of cheese that they just declared their love for yesterday but today they hate it, crying about having to go to bed, take a bath, do their homework....etc. and do that for 18 fricken years with no break, do. not. have. a. kid.

You say that your options are: give in and have a kid that you don't want, or face a possible divorce that will cause you great pain, and you think you might have one just to avoid that. If that doesn't say, "don't have a kid" because you're using the kid as a tool before they even take their very first breath in this world, then I don't know what does.
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Old Today, 12:48 AM
 
33 posts, read 11,022 times
Reputation: 94
If you don’t want kids but he does, get a divorce so that he can have children with someone else.
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Old Today, 06:17 AM
 
Location: Plainfield NJ
130 posts, read 48,797 times
Reputation: 439
When you guys agreed to not have children you were practically children and it seemed so far off that it was no big deal to make that agreement. Now he has grown up and is having second thoughts and wants a child. You've grown up and reaffirmed your desire to remain childless. This isnt an issue that you compromise on. It's a deal breaker in a relationship. He will be unhappy and unfulfilled. Or you will be unhappy and forced into children. You 2 need a marriage counselor. This person will help you get to the root of your issue, whether is truly a desire to not have children or fear of having children. And it will help him understand if he is just not getting something from his life and thinks its children or if he genuinely wants children. After that, if the situation is the same, you guys dont belong together
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Old Today, 06:46 AM
 
Location: Florida
5,208 posts, read 3,465,576 times
Reputation: 10163
Having a child is not a compromise. If one partner does not want a child, then there is your answer. Get some marriage counseling; it is possible that this will break your marriage. But having a child to save the marriage from breaking is not going to work, so please do not do this. Being a parent is all-encompassing and it does not last "only" 18 years. I am so glad that I have my children, but I wanted them from the time I was 20 years old. It is exhausting in different ways as the years go by... during the early years, it's physically exhausting, but once they get older, it's emotionally exhausting. And I have great kids who don't get into any serious trouble! This is not a decision to be made lightly. It might be better for you to split up so he can realize his dream of fatherhood (with someone else) and you can stay child-free; chances are that one of you will be miserable with whatever choice you make and will, in turn, make the other miserable (and if you choose to have a child without wanting one, you'll make the kid miserable, too).
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Old Today, 07:08 AM
 
Location: Coastal Georgia
36,461 posts, read 44,637,954 times
Reputation: 60591
I would never tell another woman to have a baby if she truly doesn’t want one. There is a lot to be said for childlessness. You get to stay selfish and self absorbed forever, and you are free to do that.

I had 4 kids, and it was a blur.... it wasn’t easy, but it was exhilarating. I picture childless people spending long, boring evenings, listening to classical music, and reading books....pastimes for the elderly, not for people in the prime of life.

OP needs to take the advice about counseling. She must be prepared to lose this marriage, because it might come to that.
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Old Today, 07:24 AM
 
Location: Grosse Ile Michigan
26,039 posts, read 61,766,700 times
Reputation: 29406
I wanted one kid. No more than that definitely not. Also no kids until we paid off our student loans and credit card debt, bought a house, and had 6 months living expenses in savings.

Oops, Birth control is only 99.995 effective. Oops - you are having twins.


Hey this parenting thing is really cool, let's have another one.

5 kids later - Ok that is enough.

You never really know what you want until you try it. However if you have kids and then learn you do not want them - well that is a big disaster. Worse would be to have kids, not want them and also end up divorced.

It is a tough decision. Part of it depends on how set your husband is on having kids. If that is key to him, he may move on eventually if her realizes you are never going to change your mind. Perhaps he could adopt some and they can just be his kids and ot yours? or maybe have a surrogate bear them for him.

I have known many people who decided they did not want kids. A few realized they actually did want kids but by the time they realized that or changed their mind, it was too late. Some did not want kids but then in their 40s they had one. Not sure if it was an oops or a change, however they are really glad to have a child now. It is their whole life.

Having a kid or kids eventually takes over your life. It really becomes who and what you are. Pretty much everything else ends up on hold. So, if you have kids against your will you will end up resentful. You will not do a good job raising your kids and you may end up getting divorced because you are resentful. You could end up raising kids you do not want on your own.

It is hard to know what you really want or may want in the future. I suggest you consider counseling to sort things out and maybe try fostering to see what it is like. I can tell you it is a surprise how demanding it is to be a parent and also how rewarding it is. I never expected the extent of either.
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