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Old 04-09-2019, 12:35 PM
 
Location: here
24,873 posts, read 36,081,367 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla View Post
Then why do you spend $300 on wedding gifts, as you stated just recently in a thread. That's a lot of money if you aren't earning high incomes.

Also, why can't the stepson pay for his "date" that he's asking her to attend with him. Does she choose these activities?
Good catch

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jdawg8181 View Post
She invites herself, so we are not inviting her & therefore I don't think we should have to pay.


But we are the adults so … what choice do we have?


Cheaper outings I guess.
I thought your son was inviting her.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jdawg8181 View Post
$300 a couple is the norm for NYC / NJ / Westchester / LI etc etc NYC metro area. $150 single, $300 couple. And I stated earlier, we go to weddings like once a year, so this is an one-time expense not recurring. And we're not 'buying' gifts … it's cash in an envelope.


Actually $300 is on the low side of standard. When we got married, we got around $350-$400 from most couples.


Still I don't see how a one-time wedding expense is relevant …
$300 would buy 25 $12 movie tickets. It's relevant when you claim to be scraping by. People scraping by don't spend $300 on a wedding gift.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jdawg8181 View Post
It's not expensive for 3 people but 4 it is b/c of the things the gf wants. My stepson is very low maintenance. The outing was supposed to be for just the 3 of us .. she tagged along and it got infinitely more expensive.


My stepson got an ice cream that was $2. Hers was $6. My stepson got the cheapest candy there was @ the movies … she wanted the giant size popcorn. My stepson is respectful of our money somewhat. The gf is not.


IMO, she seems a bit high maintenance. She is an only child and I bet you the parents spoil her rotten. How does my husband say no to someone else's kid wanting what they want? How does one do that tactfully?


The girlfriend should know you don't get the most expensive item when someone else is paying for it.


We weren't scraping until she came along.
If $18 makes or breaks your budget, you need to seriously assess your budgeting.

Maybe you could but the ticket, and your son could buy the snacks, or you could hand him $10 and let him figure out how to spend it.
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Old 04-09-2019, 12:40 PM
 
12,769 posts, read 18,308,687 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kibbiekat View Post
Good catch



I thought your son was inviting her.



$300 would buy 25 $12 movie tickets. It's relevant when you claim to be scraping by. People scraping by don't spend $300 on a wedding gift.



If $18 makes or breaks your budget, you need to seriously assess your budgeting.

Maybe you could but the ticket, and your son could buy the snacks, or you could hand him $10 and let him figure out how to spend it.
She asks him if she can come then he 'invites' her. In other words "can I come?" "ok" … more or less. Regardless, he needs to ask us first.


And where are you getting $18 from? The movie day cost $100 between $12 tickets for 4 of us, snacks for 4 of us and ice cream for 4 of us.


The wedding was before our son was living here. How is that relevant?
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Old 04-09-2019, 12:41 PM
 
2,020 posts, read 1,112,487 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jdawg8181 View Post
Will try that and see if it works.


My stepson will get the $2 snack and she will get the $8 snack, mark my words lol
If that happens then it will be a good life lesson for your stepson.

I think using a budget will work well. Set firm boundaries and everyone will be happy.
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Old 04-09-2019, 12:50 PM
 
2,020 posts, read 1,112,487 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jdawg8181 View Post

The wedding was before our son was living here. How is that relevant?

It is not relevant. People have all kinds of things built into their budgets.

Weddings: $300/yr

Entertainment: $2000/yr

Food: $6000/yr

ETC.


I understand your complaint is that your entertainment budget is being exceeded when you bring the girlfriend along. I would set monetary expectations and follow through.
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Old 04-09-2019, 12:51 PM
 
12,769 posts, read 18,308,687 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnaGWS View Post
If that happens then it will be a good life lesson for your stepson.

I think using a budget will work well. Set firm boundaries and everyone will be happy.
Thank you. You have been kind.


I am new to parenting. I really don't know what I'm doing. I am not a teacher. I don't hang around many teens.


I'm still trying to figure all this out and it's overwhelming sometimes.


I wish I was better at putting my foot down. I'm a bit passive when it comes to those things. Most of the time I just settle to avoid confrontation or disagreements. I know it's not a good way to be.
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Old 04-09-2019, 12:51 PM
 
Location: here
24,873 posts, read 36,081,367 times
Reputation: 32726
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jdawg8181 View Post
She asks him if she can come then he 'invites' her. In other words "can I come?" "ok" … more or less. Regardless, he needs to ask us first.


And where are you getting $18 from? The movie day cost $100 between $12 tickets for 4 of us, snacks for 4 of us and ice cream for 4 of us.


The wedding was before our son was living here. How is that relevant?
$12 ticket + $6 icecream. I missed the popcorn. You were planning on 3 tickets and food. It was apparently the 4th that put you over budget. Therefore it is irrelevant what the total cost was, only the 4th person.

You said $300 is what you spend on a wedding gift. You never said it was one time before he moved in.

Your awareness and opinions on wedding and gift giving etiquette is at odds with your feelings on this topic. Its interesting.

I assume your husband was paying child support before and is not now? Where is that money going?
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Old 04-09-2019, 12:57 PM
 
2,020 posts, read 1,112,487 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jdawg8181 View Post
Thank you. You have been kind.


I am new to parenting. I really don't know what I'm doing. I am not a teacher. I don't hang around many teens.


I'm still trying to figure all this out and it's overwhelming sometimes.


I wish I was better at putting my foot down. I'm a bit passive when it comes to those things. Most of the time I just settle to avoid confrontation or disagreements. I know it's not a good way to be.
You will do fine.

It will be a bit of a learning curve, but it will come to you. Avoid fighting the small battles or you will wear yourself out; especially with teens.
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Old 04-09-2019, 12:58 PM
 
12,769 posts, read 18,308,687 times
Reputation: 8768
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kibbiekat View Post
$12 ticket + $6 icecream. I missed the popcorn. You were planning on 3 tickets and food. It was apparently the 4th that put you over budget. Therefore it is irrelevant what the total cost was, only the 4th person.

You said $300 is what you spend on a wedding gift. You never said it was one time before he moved in.

Your awareness and opinions on wedding and gift giving etiquette is at odds with your feelings on this topic. Its interesting.

I assume your husband was paying child support before and is not now? Where is that money going?
Because when I know I have a wedding, I budget accordingly. When she comes, we don't know about it ahead of time and therefore we can't plan for the additional expense.
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Old 04-09-2019, 01:02 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,700,060 times
Reputation: 98359
The problem is partly communication but it’s mostly your insistence on how others “should” do things.

I’m telling you ... once you give that up, your only question will be, “is Girlfriend coming with us tonight?”

It should not cause this much hand-wringing.
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Old 04-09-2019, 01:04 PM
 
12,769 posts, read 18,308,687 times
Reputation: 8768
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
The problem is partly communication but it’s mostly your insistence on how others “should” do things.

I’m telling you ... once you give that up, your only question will be, “is Girlfriend coming with us tonight?”

It should not cause this much hand-wringing.
I guess you're right. I just find it surprising that they don't send her with money, when my parents always would send me with some.


Maybe this is the norm and most parents don't send their kids with $$? I have no idea. I have never parented before.


I just don't want us to get taken advantage of if this becomes a constant thing, like she just gets free stuff out of us all the time and plays games with us b/c she can get away with it
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