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Old Yesterday, 03:47 PM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
11,059 posts, read 19,887,481 times
Reputation: 26051

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jdawg8181 View Post
I mean he doesn't have a job but I would like to put my foot down and say no. He's not my son and I leave the discipling to my husband so if my husband is ok with her coming, then I have no recourse to say no.
15 is old enough to make some money doing yard work.

You can also find cheaper things to do as a family...go to the museum on the free evening, go hiking or cycling together, have a picnic, go to the dollar movies, go to free local festivals or other free events. Maybe some of these activities won't seem as fun to the girl as the expensive things you've been doing, and she won't want to tag along as often.
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Old Yesterday, 03:47 PM
 
852 posts, read 1,010,164 times
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We always pay for our daughters bf when We go out to dinner. And they pay for her in the reverse situation. If we invite one of her friends we pay for it unless I specifically say otherwise (like if a big group wants to come, I’ll say you can all come but you’ll have to buy your own xyz).

If I could t afford it then I would tell me daughter not to invite him and explain that funds are just too tight right now.
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Old Yesterday, 03:55 PM
 
Location: Pacific Northwest
227 posts, read 90,028 times
Reputation: 1011
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jdawg8181 View Post
We can't afford it … we're scraping by.


Also he doesn't ask us if she can come, he just says "she's coming" (& I think b/c she asks to come).


Regardless, we always send our stepson with money. If her family wants to pay for him, that's fine, but we don't expect it.
A big part of growing up and taking on responsibilities means acting like an adult if you want to have a relationship like one.

Your son is old enough to be straight with his girlfriend and tell her the outing is just for family (if that is all you and him can afford). If he wants her to go he needs to pay for her way; but it is not her fault for going with the impression that her way is being paid for either by her boyfriend or his family. She doesn't know your circumstances and so what you give your son money all the time, if anything that's just reinforcing the idea that he has the money to spend on her.

If anything the typical expectation is that the boyfriend independently pays for his date for most outings. You didn't ask to be in the relationship so it's not on you to keep maintaining it. Tell your son to find a part time job or some way to make cash so he can treat his girlfriend right. If he wants to bring her along he needs to communicate (number 1 thing adult relationships rely on) and stop his dependance on you.
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Old Yesterday, 04:52 PM
 
Location: South Carolina
13,582 posts, read 18,377,566 times
Reputation: 23830
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jdawg8181 View Post
They may not want her to but they let her but paying for her shouldn't be our responsibility, especially when we drop him off at their house for a day out, I always say to the mother "He has this amount of $$" so they know we gave him something. Whether they actually pay for him, IDK, but it's the principal that when you are going out with someone else's family, you should have $$.
Well then you need to talk to her parents and find out why they don't give her money ...be blunt .
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Old Yesterday, 05:06 PM
 
3,943 posts, read 3,606,027 times
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This is awkward. They may feel that they don't have to give her money, because she's a child and if you're taking her out, you pay for her. Or because she's a girl, and if a boy is taking her out, he pays for her. Personally, I don't agree with either of these premises, I always assume that my child should offer to pay for him/her self, and I send them with money, but not everyone thinks this way. Or perhaps they are in financial straits and have no money to give her.

The solution is to stop taking the kids out with you! Or do inexpensive or free things with the kids.

Just don't leave them home alone. And have your husband talk to the young man about sex, respecting women, condoms, and hormonal birth control for the girl, if they're considering having sex. Make sure that there are condoms in the house. If you don't like paying to take her out, I cannot imagine that you're gonna like the stepson eventually paying child support!
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Old Yesterday, 05:15 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,713 posts, read 16,828,266 times
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Every family is different but our family never/very rarely took our children's current HS BF or GF along on family outings. If our family was going to the movies/dinner/the theater/relatives homes it was just our family. Now, when our children were engaged to be married or considering marriage (in college/after college) we often/sometimes included that person, but we invited them not our children. Even in HS if our kids were "going steady" after having dated for many months we never or rarely invited the BF or GF along on family outings ----because they weren't family.

IMHO, your step-son shouldn't just assume that his girlfriend is invited every place that his dad and step-mom invite him to go (and to pay her way). You and Hubby need to agree and you and Hubby need to be honest with your son. Perhaps tell him "We can afford to take Anne & you to the movies this time but next time we can't afford to take either of you." or "The four of us can afford to go to $ restaurant but we can't afford $$$ restaurant if Anne comes along and expects us to pay her way."

If you continue along this path I wouldn't be surprised if step-son invites GF on your next family vacation and expects you to pay for her airplane ticket/restaurant costs/hotel room/admission fees/etc.

Fifteen is not too young to learn that Dad does not have unlimited money.

Last edited by germaine2626; Yesterday at 05:36 PM..
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Old Yesterday, 05:22 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,713 posts, read 16,828,266 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist View Post
This is awkward. They may feel that they don't have to give her money, because she's a child and if you're taking her out, you pay for her. Or because she's a girl, and if a boy is taking her out, he pays for her. Personally, I don't agree with either of these premises, I always assume that my child should offer to pay for him/her self, and I send them with money, but not everyone thinks this way. Or perhaps they are in financial straits and have no money to give her.

The solution is to stop taking the kids out with you! Or do inexpensive or free things with the kids.

Just don't leave them home alone.
And have your husband talk to the young man about sex, respecting women, condoms, and hormonal birth control for the girl, if they're considering having sex. Make sure that there are condoms in the house. If you don't like paying to take her out, I cannot imagine that you're gonna like the stepson eventually paying child support!
Excellent points (especially about child support).
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Old Yesterday, 05:34 PM
 
Location: interior Alaska
4,301 posts, read 3,194,931 times
Reputation: 13076
What sorts of outings are these where 3 people is affordable, but 4 people breaks the bank?

Personally, I wouldn't want to shut down a dynamic where my kid wanted to spend his free time with his family, and also wanted his significant other there. Sets up for much more positive outcomes than sneaking around by themselves or whatever. I'd just substitute activities that don't become significantly more expensive when you add a fourth person. Lots of cheap/free fun out there.
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Old Yesterday, 05:49 PM
 
Location: Eugene, Oregon
8,447 posts, read 2,716,229 times
Reputation: 12226
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jdawg8181 View Post
They may not want her to but they let her but paying for her shouldn't be our responsibility, especially when we drop him off at their house for a day out, I always say to the mother "He has this amount of $$" so they know we gave him something. Whether they actually pay for him, IDK, but it's the principal that when you are going out with someone else's family, you should have $$.
Maybe they're stuck in the past, when the guy was always supposed to pay for everything? You should feel blessed, that two 15 year-olds actually want to do things with their families. Most teenagers want to get away from their families, so they can operate by their own rules and values. Especially true of two young sweethearts.
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Old Yesterday, 05:51 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,713 posts, read 16,828,266 times
Reputation: 40163
Quote:
Originally Posted by Frostnip View Post
What sorts of outings are these where 3 people is affordable, but 4 people breaks the bank?

Personally, I wouldn't want to shut down a dynamic where my kid wanted to spend his free time with his family, and also wanted his significant other there. Sets up for much more positive outcomes than sneaking around by themselves or whatever. I'd just substitute activities that don't become significantly more expensive when you add a fourth person. Lots of cheap/free fun out there.
LOL. This is the first time that I heard someone call the GF of a 15 year old "his significant other". It isn't like they are living together or have been together for years or even engaged to be married. Sheesh. A 15 year old can do family activities with dad and stepmom and not include his first HS GF on all of the activities.

But, I do agree that there are many cheap/free fun activities. It would also be quite informative if the GF always wants to go to dinner when you go to a restaurant or the movies/theater but doesn't want to come if you go on a picnic or have a home cooked meal or movie night at home.

Last edited by germaine2626; Yesterday at 06:09 PM..
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