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Old Yesterday, 06:22 PM
 
26,283 posts, read 12,534,463 times
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This is not hard at all. A LOT of parents do not send their kids with money in this situation. Why are you? You have different expectations then the other parents.

I would suggest that you do not send money with your kid if they invite him, although by now you have done it enough that it will be awkward. So my suggestion is...the next time they invite your kid, say no problem, but you don't have the money for it. They will scale back if its a financial burden. Just like you should.
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Old Yesterday, 06:35 PM
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
18,289 posts, read 22,719,590 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jdawg8181 View Post
We can't afford it we're scraping by.


Also he doesn't ask us if she can come, he just says "she's coming" (& I think b/c she asks to come).


Regardless, we always send our stepson with money. If her family wants to pay for him, that's fine, but we don't expect it.
Stop sending him with money. Sounds as though it's their turn to pay.
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Old Yesterday, 06:38 PM
 
582 posts, read 235,608 times
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Expectations here are: If someone invites your child for something, they're paying for it. If we invite someone for something, we're paying for it. Everyone is supposed to know that you don't invite yourself. If, for some reason, that person comes with money and offers to pay, you thank them but wave them off. "We invited you! Don't be silly. " And they insist/refuse to let that person pay. I would never invite someone out for lunch and then have them pay unless that is made clear beforehand. "You want to meet up at X sometime for lunch?" isn't "I'd like to take you out for lunch sometime." Or, "We're all going to Y thing. We'd like so-and-so to come and will be driving but she should probably bring about $20 for snacks and fun little things. Let me know if she can make it so I can let you know when we'll be picking her up!" That makes it clear that you're paying for admission but the extras are on the other parent, if they want to send her.

I wonder if those things are what's making the situation so justifiably uncomfortable for you? 1) That she's inviting herself and 2) That they invite him out with them and actually take his money. I can't believe they're actually letting him pay for himself.
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Old Yesterday, 07:20 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
41,525 posts, read 40,279,237 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Frostnip View Post
What sorts of outings are these where 3 people is affordable, but 4 people breaks the bank?

Personally, I wouldn't want to shut down a dynamic where my kid wanted to spend his free time with his family, and also wanted his significant other there. Sets up for much more positive outcomes than sneaking around by themselves or whatever. I'd just substitute activities that don't become significantly more expensive when you add a fourth person. Lots of cheap/free fun out there.
I agree. Don't burn down the forest because of one annoying tree.

We didn't make an issue out of paying for our kids' friends and girlfriends because 1) the kids rarely have a say in whether or not they have money, and 2) I wanted their friends to feel welcome.

Besides, we always had a situation when one of my kids was an unplanned tagalong with no money, and their friends' parents just paid for them.

We just viewed them all as "our kids" and did what we thought was the right thing.
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Old Yesterday, 07:49 PM
 
Location: You call this living?
3,558 posts, read 1,486,157 times
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Sounds like you have communication issues. Here's some suggested topics:

Discuss this with your husband and get on the same page.

Ask your stepson if they pay for him when he comes along. Is he just pocketing your cash?

Tell your stepson to ask you before he invites her.

Talk to girl's parents and ask them to give her money. Heck, they may already do that but she doesn't mention it.
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Old Yesterday, 08:28 PM
 
368 posts, read 66,369 times
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Wow, really? Last I knew when a guy asked out a girl it was a date and the male pays. In the case of your son, you and your husband have a chance to role model and either positively or negatively impact the dating and relationships or two young people. I am surprised, and pleasantly so, that your son isn’t always trying to ferret her into a dark corner for typical male nefarious intentions. The fact he is not should say something positive to you; I would encourage his gentlemanly actions.

I raised four children into adult hood, not one has had a frivolous relationship. I think, in part, that speaks to the example we set at home. Ad my children range in age from 3 years to 9 years older than your son, so it is not that long ago.

If money is the issue, why not some family activities that involve board games and intellectual exercise she could participate in? She could do snack prep with you etc.

I would take the opportunity to be a guiding light to me son on how to treat a lady and navigate a relationship.
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Old Yesterday, 08:52 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,713 posts, read 16,828,266 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GhostOfAndrewJackson View Post
Wow, really? Last I knew when a guy asked out a girl it was a date and the male pays. In the case of your son, you and your husband have a chance to role model and either positively or negatively impact the dating and relationships or two young people. I am surprised, and pleasantly so, that your son isn’t always trying to ferret her into a dark corner for typical male nefarious intentions. The fact he is not should say something positive to you; I would encourage his gentlemanly actions.

I raised four children into adult hood, not one has had a frivolous relationship. I think, in part, that speaks to the example we set at home. Ad my children range in age from 3 years to 9 years older than your son, so it is not that long ago.

If money is the issue, why not some family activities that involve board games and intellectual exercise she could participate in? She could do snack prep with you etc.

I would take the opportunity to be a guiding light to me son on how to treat a lady and navigate a relationship.
"Last I knew when a guy asked out a girl it was a date and the male pays."
Do you still consider it "a date" if Dad and Step-mom plan a family activity, the GF of their 15 year old son invites herself along and then Dad & Step-mom end up paying for everything? That is not the kind of dates that I had when I was single (even as a teenager).

But everyone is different, maybe you typically went on double dates with your parents.
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Old Yesterday, 09:26 PM
 
Location: here
24,789 posts, read 29,627,845 times
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This hasn't come up in a dating way for us yet, but when I send my kid with another family to do an activity, I send money, and the parents end up paying anyway.

When you send your son with money, are you sure he's using it, or do her parents pay?

What are you doing/where are you going? How can you afford to go out on a regular basis, but can't afford 1 extra person? If it's just dinner, it would be super awkward to pay for 3 and ask her to pay for herself.

I think the issue is that your son is inviting without asking you, and expecting you to pay. You need to set some expectations about asking you first, maybe how often she gets to come, and when he might need to start paying her way.

Things change. Maybe instead of saying you can't afford it, you go out less often now that there's another person involved.
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Old Yesterday, 09:43 PM
 
4,479 posts, read 3,806,856 times
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I would mix it up about half the time & tell stepson during the planning stage "this time it will be just us". Do some less expensive activities & then tell him he can invite gf, if he wants to

You should be able to have some family activities without the girlfriend.
I do think when you invite soneone that you should pay.
& as others said-- do not leave them home alone.
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Old Yesterday, 09:44 PM
 
Location: Texas
8,476 posts, read 3,211,430 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jdawg8181 View Post
M
Lately he has been asking her to come on our family outings. I don't particularly mind, but every time she comes with us, we have to pay for her. My husband and I don't make a lot of money.
Then why do you spend $300 on wedding gifts, as you stated just recently in a thread. That's a lot of money if you aren't earning high incomes.

Also, why can't the stepson pay for his "date" that he's asking her to attend with him. Does she choose these activities?
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