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I am unclear what is happening. Diapers are thick. You can't really hold a little penis through a diaper. I can't get a clear picture of what she's going.
Why haven't you questioned your MIL about her hand placement as it was happening? I'm not convinced sexual abuse is happening here, but your MIL needs someone to call attention to how what may be a very innocent gesture on her part might be misconstrued. Where is the mother of the child during all this?
That’s a very good question and one that I have asked myself. As one of the other responders explained when in the moment, the behavior is so nonchalant, I question my judgement - like did I really just see that? Was that as weird as it seems to me? The mother is also there, most of the time, but I do not know why she doesn’t say anything. I have never been alone with her in 10 years of being with my husband and she with my husband’s brother, never mind the 3 years since our nephew came along, so I haven’t had an opportunity to talk to her about it. I appreciate the elegant solution, yet I am unsure how that would play out in terms of backlash and consequences. No one questions this woman. Ever.
I am unclear what is happening. Diapers are thick. You can't really hold a little penis through a diaper. I can't get a clear picture of what she's going.
So there are two incidents. the first one both my husband and I witnessed. She had our nephew on her lap and he was in a diaper. She was casually patting his penis/crotch through the diaper. For some time. Probably about 30 seconds and then she’d stop and then start again for a bit longer.
Then the second incident is a photo taken by my BIL where it’s clear they wanted our nephew to stay still and pose. She has one finger on the outside of his hip and the other four between his legs in his crotch. Like her fingers are definitely making contact with his genitals through the pants (since he is potty training he might be wearing a diaper or pull ups or underwear in this situation - it’s unknown). His expression in the photo is one that suggests he is not comfortable with the situation, (husband suggested that the sun might be in his eyes), and my nephew’s hand nearest to the MIL’s hand is scrunched up. Others who have seen this photo have described his body language as saying “I’m uncomfortable” or showing signs of distress.
So there are two incidents. the first one both my husband and I witnessed. She had our nephew on her lap and he was in a diaper. She was casually patting his penis/crotch through the diaper. For some time. Probably about 30 seconds and then she’d stop and then start again for a bit longer.
Then the second incident is a photo taken by my BIL where it’s clear they wanted our nephew to stay still and pose. She has one finger on the outside of his hip and the other four between his legs in his crotch. Like her fingers are definitely making contact with his genitals through the pants (since he is potty training he might be wearing a diaper or pull ups or underwear in this situation - it’s unknown). His expression in the photo is one that suggests he is not comfortable with the situation, (husband suggested that the sun might be in his eyes), and my nephew’s hand nearest to the MIL’s hand is scrunched up. Others who have seen this photo have described his body language as saying “I’m uncomfortable” or showing signs of distress.
That's different than "holding him in place by his crotch." These 2 incidents as described here are also different than "regularly." I wasn't convinced this was predatory before. I am even less so now.
That's different than "holding him in place by his crotch." These 2 incidents as described here are also different than "regularly." I wasn't convinced this was predatory before. I am even less so now.
I am too. OP, you are making some pretty serious allegations here. It's hard to believe only you could see something you feel is blatantly occurring in plain view. If you are concerned for your nephew's well-being, you should either talk to his mother, or voice your concerns to your MIL.
That's different than "holding him in place by his crotch." These 2 incidents as described here are also different than "regularly." I wasn't convinced this was predatory before. I am even less so now.
I totally agree that it's tough to picture someone holding a child by his penis through diapers and clothing, it's like trying to hold something through a pillow.
Yeah, sounds like a hold a lot of parents make, video for reference, notice how often this dad's hands come into contact with buttocks/crotch area. I don't see anything nefarious there. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LIvZHPeYy6Q
Hi there, I am hoping to get some input on a behavior my mother in law exhibits that makes me uncomfortable. She is a primary care giver for my son (3 yrs old) and she spends 3 overnight days of the week caring for him because her son(the father) is not in the picture anymore. She regularly makes contact with his penis when I and other adults are present. For example, when he is sitting on her lap, she will absentmindedly tap his penis through his diaper and pants repeatedly. The way one might pet a dog on its head. She also makes difficult to understand choices such as holding him in place by his crotch in an effort to get him to stand still for photos. Why not hold him by the arm or shoulder? I am beginning to think she thinks it’s appropriate to touch his penis in contexts outside of bathing and changing -he is still in diapers, and demonstrates resistance to going to the bathroom even in his diaper, which I’ve read is a behavior that could be explained by any number of things, but is also a behavior observed with greater frequency in children who have been or are being molested. She is keen to explain this away by saying that he prefers not to be interrupted during his play or eating times and thus chooses to hold his bowel movements, which I guess is plausible. My question is how would you address this behavior with your mother-in-law and is my discomfort which is evolving into serious concern an over-reaction or warranted?
You're "beginning to think" she thinks this is appropriate? Your discomfort "is evolving" into serious concern? How the heck long has this been going on?
As far as "how would you address this behavior" goes, I would have addressed it by now. Believe it.
You've seen enough to warrant getting another caregiver-- and telling your MIL why.
If you were talking about a 3-year old girl, and your father-in-law was constantly finding flimsy reasons to touch her vagina, what would be your reaction to that? Would you really need to ask whether it was appropriate?
Thanks for your response. I have not made up my mind. I have an uneasy feeling and recent observations coupled with background knowledge of the family dynamic and research about symptoms of abuse have led me to be increasingly concerned. I am asking for impartial advice from strangers to get corroboration of what my friends and people close to me have already confirmed is troubling. I need this to share with my husband, who is not comfortable with me addressing the issue with his mother / alerting authorities. This is out of respect for him, and one last sanity check to make sure my instincts are in line. Surely you can understand why someone would want to proceed with caution in a family matter where there is no evidence and the young boy has already experienced a great deal of turmoil. I was in fact hesitant to go this route, because I have seen some very nasty behaviors in forum spaces, but I could not come up with an alternative.
You better be very sure if you make call to CPS because your marriage will suffer. Your hub will know it was you.
I am too. OP, you are making some pretty serious allegations here. It's hard to believe only you could see something you feel is blatantly occurring in plain view. If you are concerned for your nephew's well-being, you should either talk to his mother, or voice your concerns to your MIL.
Thanks for your input. Clearly I do understand how serious this is and that’s why I’m gathering feedback. I’d like to correct your assumption that only I can see this happening. I have said plainly that my husband observed the first incident and was equally uncomfortable with it, and many people who have seen the photo find it to be concerning. I wonder what your thoughts are in response to the person below who asked how I would respond if this was a female toddler and a male care taker?
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