U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 04-13-2019, 10:23 AM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
20,932 posts, read 13,765,795 times
Reputation: 28818

Advertisements

When I read the OP’s responses, I feel confused. She has witnessed the penis touching twice? Somehow I thought she had been seeing it on multiple occasions.

OP, Here are some questions you need to ask yourself:

What would you hope to accomplish by contacting CPS about the MIL?

Should you speak with child’s mother to suss out how she feels? Surely she has also noticed MIL’s behavior.

Who would care for child if MIL’s services were no longer wanted?

And, what I would really want to observe is how does nephew react when he is handed off from mom to grandma.

The incident about patting his penis bothers me more than the holding him by his crotch. I do think this MIL has boundary issues. But the evidence of sleeping with son—which is of course quite unhealthy—and the drug addiction of nephew’s father are circumstantial. Her desire to control conversations is not something that supports the charge of child molestation.

As difficult as it might be, you need to have several frank discussions with your spouse about his mother’s boundary issues. His instinct to say nothing needs to be discussed, at the very least.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 04-13-2019, 10:57 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
41,695 posts, read 40,450,724 times
Reputation: 79653
Quote:
Originally Posted by silibran View Post

But the evidence of sleeping with son—which is of course quite unhealthy—and the drug addiction of nephew’s father are circumstantial.
I don't think they are circumstantial. Heroin addiction is not really a coincidence, and it can be a coping mechanism for some who have serious problems, like abuse.

Quote:
Originally Posted by silibran View Post
Her desire to control conversations is not something that supports the charge of child molestation.
It is a method that abusers use, though.

Quote:
Originally Posted by silibran View Post
As difficult as it might be, you need to have several frank discussions with your spouse about his mother’s boundary issues. His instinct to say nothing needs to be discussed, at the very least.
The family needs to have a frank conversation before any government agencies are called. Chain of command logic still applies. If they discuss it and she stops, no need to call authorities. MIL is not your boss, OP, and you can speak to whomever in the family you want.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-13-2019, 12:00 PM
 
1,721 posts, read 705,628 times
Reputation: 3114
Quote:
Originally Posted by Amy Onymous View Post
Thanks but no one is talking about holding his bottom or checking for wetness in a diaper. She is holding his penis with her fingers to keep him still in a picture. I can not attach anything in this forum, plus I want to protect my nephews identity, but I have shown the picture to friends who also find the hand placement and his facial expression unsettling. And she was fondly tapping his penis while carrying on a conversation with other people. My husband whose mother we are talking about also thinks this is inappropriate. And I don’t like her, but don’t put words in my mouth. I don’t hate her. I took care of her when she had breast cancer and I have been a support for her now that her son has relapsed. If you’re not going to engage with the actual content of the post, please move along. I have cared for children and have friends and cousins who I observe with their children all the time. This is different. And yes, I would take over the child care. I have already offered to take my nephew 1 of the days and she said I could come to her house and help her.
I don't understand why you can't call up your sister in law (the mother) and voice your suspicions. At least this way it is off your chest and up to her to act on it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-13-2019, 12:01 PM
 
3,972 posts, read 3,631,179 times
Reputation: 10766
I only read the first post. First of all, LOTS of people hold babies in diapers by the crotch. Not weird. Fondling his naked penis would be very weird.

If your son is resisting the urge to defecate, he has constipation probably, and it hurts to pass stool, so he doesn't. Discuss this with your pediatrician. Miralax until he is totally toilet trained, so that his stools are soft and not painful, would be a good idea.

If you are uncomfortable with his grandmother watching him, then make alternate childcare arrangements.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-13-2019, 12:04 PM
 
Location: NJ
10,246 posts, read 20,996,683 times
Reputation: 8001
Quote:
Originally Posted by NorthofHere View Post
I don't understand why you can't call up your sister in law (the mother) and voice your suspicions. At least this way it is off your chest and up to her to act on it.
Agree 100%
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-13-2019, 12:36 PM
 
1,602 posts, read 1,490,336 times
Reputation: 3795
The sleeping with the other child and exiling the husband from the bed ring so many bells. Along with the intimidation of others around the g-ma (“no one questions her.”). Someone very close to me was badly damaged by this sort of in-your-face abuse by a maternal figure who clearly had convinced herself that she was doing nothing wrong and had no need to hide her behavior.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-13-2019, 01:06 PM
 
23 posts, read 6,903 times
Reputation: 30
Thnks everyone. Even people who are being super judgmental about me and my motivations. This really helps me get perspective and think through the problem. I have reached out to my nephew’s mother (she’s not legally my sister in law as they never married) to get together without MIL present. I will bring it up with her then.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-13-2019, 01:14 PM
 
23 posts, read 6,903 times
Reputation: 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
I'm trying to imagine being an adult and working my way through repressed sexual abuse with a therapist, and finding out my aunt didn't want to say anything because she thought she might lose out on an inheritance.
I think you’re not considering my response in context. The poster to whom I was responding was suggesting that I am just making trouble where there is none. I mentioned the inheritance to illustrate the fact that I am not - to show that I would just be shooting myself in the foot if I was making this all up for some illegitimate purpose. As a survivor myself, I know how deeply painful the thought that other people knew and did nothing is. But still, there is very little beyond instinct to go on here, and people seem to land on both sides of the reaction spectrum - some see this as normal and some as something that needs to be reported immediately. Seeing this range of responses and thinking through my own reactions to them has been enormously helpful. I will also be able to share your insights with my nephew’s mother and my husband when the time comes. Thank you!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-13-2019, 03:54 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
20,932 posts, read 13,765,795 times
Reputation: 28818
Quote:
Originally Posted by Amy Onymous View Post
Thnks everyone. Even people who are being super judgmental about me and my motivations. This really helps me get perspective and think through the problem. I have reached out to my nephew’s mother (she’s not legally my sister in law as they never married) to get together without MIL present. I will bring it up with her then.
Good first move! It might be that she feels uncomfortable but is too intimidated to rock the boat. But her first duty is to protect her child.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-13-2019, 03:55 PM
 
Location: here
24,816 posts, read 29,692,699 times
Reputation: 32225
Everyone on this thread needs to read this. This is not what was said in the OP.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Amy Onymous View Post
So there are two incidents. the first one both my husband and I witnessed. She had our nephew on her lap and he was in a diaper. She was casually patting his penis/crotch through the diaper. For some time. Probably about 30 seconds and then she’d stop and then start again for a bit longer.

Then the second incident is a photo taken by my BIL where it’s clear they wanted our nephew to stay still and pose. She has one finger on the outside of his hip and the other four between his legs in his crotch. Like her fingers are definitely making contact with his genitals through the pants (since he is potty training he might be wearing a diaper or pull ups or underwear in this situation - it’s unknown). His expression in the photo is one that suggests he is not comfortable with the situation, (husband suggested that the sun might be in his eyes), and my nephew’s hand nearest to the MIL’s hand is scrunched up. Others who have seen this photo have described his body language as saying “I’m uncomfortable” or showing signs of distress.
I think his uncomfortable facial expression could be because he was being forced to sit still.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. | Please obey Forum Rules | Terms of Use and Privacy Policy

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top