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Old Today, 10:18 AM
 
7 posts
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Hi there, I am hoping to get some input on a behavior my mother in law exhibits that makes me uncomfortable. She is a primary care giver for my son (3 yrs old) and she spends 3 overnight days of the week caring for him because her son(the father) is not in the picture anymore. She regularly makes contact with his penis when I and other adults are present. For example, when he is sitting on her lap, she will absentmindedly tap his penis through his diaper and pants repeatedly. The way one might pet a dog on its head. She also makes difficult to understand choices such as holding him in place by his crotch in an effort to get him to stand still for photos. Why not hold him by the arm or shoulder? I am beginning to think she thinks itís appropriate to touch his penis in contexts outside of bathing and changing -he is still in diapers, and demonstrates resistance to going to the bathroom even in his diaper, which Iíve read is a behavior that could be explained by any number of things, but is also a behavior observed with greater frequency in children who have been or are being molested. She is keen to explain this away by saying that he prefers not to be interrupted during his play or eating times and thus chooses to hold his bowel movements, which I guess is plausible. My question is how would you address this behavior with your mother-in-law and is my discomfort which is evolving into serious concern an over-reaction or warranted?
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Old Today, 10:32 AM
 
Location: Plainfield NJ
155 posts, read 51,039 times
Reputation: 481
Other than this, how is your relationship with her?


Your son is 3? Can he talk? There are couselors who specialize in recognizing victims in children. I would spend the money to have your son evaluated by a professional who has the ability to recognize signs you may miss that will help you in your process. Your foremost job is to protect your son. And if he is uncomfortable with the contact that makes it innapropriate, if she wont stop then you stop letting her have contact with him. Its as simple as that. There is no explanation necessary and no excuses, you protect your child, no matter what.
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Old Today, 10:34 AM
 
Location: Plainfield NJ
155 posts, read 51,039 times
Reputation: 481
BTW we have taught our son that there is no reason for anyone to touch his penis every unless they are a doctor or are helping him toilet. Most molestations occur with close family. No need to be paranoid but caution is necessary sometimes.
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Old Today, 10:36 AM
 
Location: Herndon, VA
2,000 posts, read 1,985,974 times
Reputation: 6706
If the behavior bothers you, find another caregiver.
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Old Today, 10:54 AM
 
597 posts, read 241,495 times
Reputation: 1654
Quote:
Originally Posted by Amy Onymous View Post
Hi there, I am hoping to get some input on a behavior my mother in law exhibits that makes me uncomfortable. She is a primary care giver for my son (3 yrs old) and she spends 3 overnight days of the week caring for him because her son(the father) is not in the picture anymore. She regularly makes contact with his penis when I and other adults are present. For example, when he is sitting on her lap, she will absentmindedly tap his penis through his diaper and pants repeatedly. The way one might pet a dog on its head. She also makes difficult to understand choices such as holding him in place by his crotch in an effort to get him to stand still for photos. Why not hold him by the arm or shoulder? I am beginning to think she thinks itís appropriate to touch his penis in contexts outside of bathing and changing -he is still in diapers, and demonstrates resistance to going to the bathroom even in his diaper, which Iíve read is a behavior that could be explained by any number of things, but is also a behavior observed with greater frequency in children who have been or are being molested. She is keen to explain this away by saying that he prefers not to be interrupted during his play or eating times and thus chooses to hold his bowel movements, which I guess is plausible. My question is how would you address this behavior with your mother-in-law and is my discomfort which is evolving into serious concern an over-reaction or warranted?
Find him a different, reputable childcare provider ASAP. He needs his grandma to de-sensitize his genitals being touched like he needs a hole in the head. Gross.

You don't owe that woman anything. It's over. This is not your mother-in-law; this is a nasty old woman acting out her perversion on your child. Imagine how she behaves when you're not around.

Get him away from her right away.
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Old Today, 11:01 AM
 
Location: Willamette Valley, Oregon
3,731 posts, read 990,774 times
Reputation: 5123
have you talked to her about this behavior? Have you said "Don't touch my sons genitals with or without clothes." Have you told her how uncomfortable you are? Just be straight up with her, and if she can't comply find another caregiver. It shouldn't be that difficult to do.
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Old Today, 11:21 AM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
20,872 posts, read 13,707,783 times
Reputation: 28715
Quote:
Originally Posted by LieslMet View Post
Find him a different, reputable childcare provider ASAP. He needs his grandma to de-sensitize his genitals being touched like he needs a hole in the head. Gross.

You don't owe that woman anything. It's over. This is not your mother-in-law; this is a nasty old woman acting out her perversion on your child. Imagine how she behaves when you're not around.

Get him away from her right away.
I donít know what is going on with your MIL, but find another caregiver, ASAP. I never touched my children, or grandchildren in this way, and it would have never have occurred to me to do so. She sounds messed up to me.

Remove him from her care, even if doing so is hard. IMO he is being molested.
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Old Today, 01:00 PM
 
218 posts, read 378,351 times
Reputation: 276
Find someone else!!! I would just ask her, "Why do you keep touching his P....??? STOP!!"Just reading your post scares me and makes me nervous, because I have a 4 year old at home and I can't imagine how upset I would be if this was happening to my son. You don't have to explain a thing!
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Old Today, 01:15 PM
Status: "I have strong opinions and won't apologize for them." (set 11 hours ago)
 
Location: Texas
8,529 posts, read 3,226,731 times
Reputation: 17900
Cough up the money to pay for qualified childcare. Getting free childcare in this scenario isn't worth it.

And just because she is a woman, doesn't mean she isn't a molestor. Women can and do molest children and it's not that rare.
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Old Today, 01:44 PM
 
Location: Colorado
11,149 posts, read 6,938,775 times
Reputation: 19957
Seriously? I can't believe you are asking if this is ok.

NO IT'S NOT OK.

Your gut has been telling you it's not. I don't know if you are afraid of conflict with your MIL but you need to stand your ground and keep your child away from her. I would straight up tell her, "This is unacceptable, and I don't care why you think it's fine to do, I am this child's mother and I'm telling you it is not."

Are you very young? Are you worried that your partner will take their mother's side in this? Why on earth are you trying to mentally navigate a way to feel ok about this when you know it isn't? I feel like it's got to be a matter of you not feeling comfortable putting a stop to it. That is the only thing I can kinda make sense of.

Will she fight for visitation rights, is simply keeping your child away from her an option? I know that grandparents have won cases in some states in the past but I don't think they have an entitlement to unsupervised visitation without you being there. I would consider getting authorities involved except that I could see a spouse taking their Mom's side of the story and it being just a "he said/she said" accusation scenario where you don't get taken seriously. Unless you video the behavior or something.

You've got to make this stop though. One way or another.

EDIT: I just read where you said the father of the child, this woman's son, is not in the picture anymore. It seems very strange to me that you still have his Mom watching the child when he is "not in the picture." Get your kid away from this wacky lady.
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