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Old 04-29-2019, 04:50 PM
 
Location: USA
2,565 posts, read 1,961,791 times
Reputation: 4182

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He tells me things like

"I can't do it"

"I'm not a big boy"

He doesn't even try that's the most irritating part. I tell him to blow his nose or put on his shoes and he makes mountains out of a molehill that he can't do it. I even tried demonstrating how to do it and that didn't work.

His shoes have velcro straps so they're easier to put on. I just think he should be learning to blow his nose without getting mad about it. He seems very resistant to change sometimes. It wasn't until he was four and actually started going on the potty during the day consistently. The downside he still refuses to poop in toilet and still wears a diaper at night.

I babysit this kid 4-5x a week and trying to encourage him to do tasks that I think is age-appropriate so he is ready for school in the fall.

I haven't really talked to his mom about it. She's frustrated enough about his potty issues.
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Old 04-29-2019, 05:12 PM
 
13,089 posts, read 20,519,538 times
Reputation: 35124
Your intentions might be noble, but you are overstepping your bounds. What you think he should be doing is meaningless. You are there to babysit, not to set the standards of his development. Four year olds reach milestones at very different times.
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Old 04-29-2019, 05:17 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,752 posts, read 16,945,351 times
Reputation: 40308
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
Your intentions might be noble, but you are overstepping your bounds. What you think he should be doing is meaningless. You are there to babysit, not to set the standards of his development. Four year olds reach milestones at very different times.
I agree. If his parents require that he puts on his own shoes then you should, too. However, if his parents & grandparents completely baby him than it will be very hard for you to 'encourage his independence'. I would not be surprised if his parents and/or grandparents still call him a "baby" so he is reluctant to do "big boy things".

Unless he is in special education, it would be very unusual for his kindergarten (even junior kindergarten) teacher to be allowed to help him with any bathroom responsibilities (wiping, changing poopy pants, etc.). At least it was not allowed in any public schools where I was a teacher).
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Old 04-29-2019, 05:30 PM
 
15,831 posts, read 17,610,543 times
Reputation: 15610
Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyFarm34 View Post
He tells me things like

"I can't do it"

"I'm not a big boy"

He doesn't even try that's the most irritating part. I tell him to blow his nose or put on his shoes and he makes mountains out of a molehill that he can't do it. I even tried demonstrating how to do it and that didn't work.

His shoes have velcro straps so they're easier to put on. I just think he should be learning to blow his nose without getting mad about it. He seems very resistant to change sometimes. It wasn't until he was four and actually started going on the potty during the day consistently. The downside he still refuses to poop in toilet and still wears a diaper at night.

I babysit this kid 4-5x a week and trying to encourage him to do tasks that I think is age-appropriate so he is ready for school in the fall.

I haven't really talked to his mom about it. She's frustrated enough about his potty issues.
That I can't do it attitude can be a problem. Some ideas here to encourage him to change to an I can attitude.

Teach him one step at a time.
Even if you help, try to let him do the last step.
Try saying "See! You thought you couldnít do it, but you could. You stuck with it and you didnít give up!" when he does manage to do something.
Highlight what he is good at and have him be the expert to explain it to you.
Expose him to many different activities that he can try.

You might try telling him something like this: "Have you seen little babies trying to walk? They fall a lot, they are not fast at all. You were the same when you were small, you couldnít walk at all! But you kept trying, look how fast you run now, how high you can jump? Thatís because you kept trying."

Don't necessarily ask him to do things, but observe him. Focus on the positives.

Do a lot of waiting without talking about the activity you want him to do. He may feel pressured because he has learned that his mom wants him to do things quickly and he needs more time. Accept and trust rather than coaxing him.
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Old Yesterday, 04:38 AM
 
Location: USA
2,565 posts, read 1,961,791 times
Reputation: 4182
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
I agree. If his parents require that he puts on his own shoes then you should, too. However, if his parents & grandparents completely baby him than it will be very hard for you to 'encourage his independence'. I would not be surprised if his parents and/or grandparents still call him a "baby" so he is reluctant to do "big boy things".

Unless he is in special education, it would be very unusual for his kindergarten (even junior kindergarten) teacher to be allowed to help him with any bathroom responsibilities (wiping, changing poopy pants, etc.). At least it was not allowed in any public schools where I was a teacher).
Thatís why I was encouraging his independence more knowing that teachers arenít allowed to help students with certain things. He doesnít have any special needs. Itís possible that his family and relatives baby him because itís quicker or not have to listen to him complain about not being able to do it.

Iím also sure teachers donít have time to wipe noses and assist with putting on shoes. I was just looking at it from a teacherís standpoint. I used to work at a daycare and kids were excepted to do certain things themselves before ďgraduatingĒ to the next class of age groups
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Old Yesterday, 05:33 AM
 
675 posts, read 274,996 times
Reputation: 2001
He's four. Boys potty train FAR later than girls. Usually. Even with the same direction. Our daughters and my sisters all just started taking off their diaper and saying they were big girls now, at 1.5 to 2 years old. My brothers and our son? 4 or 5 before we didn't need it during the day. And that was normal. Our son didn't go into K until 6 because he wasn't emotionally ready and was still forgetting to go to the bathroom in time.

Also, he's four. Being "annoying" is normal. They're pushing boundaries and seeing what they can do. Don't push back; that's how you get mean, resentful, petty children. Holding firm to the boundary without anger is all you can do. "Hey, Ben- I know this is frustrating for you but you're going to school in a few months and you need to be able to do [insert independent skills here] by yourself before that. And I WANT to take you outside to play but you DO have to do x-thing first. So here, start... and I'll be right here to SHOW YOU how to do it yourself." And don't hang onto his task like a dog with a bone either... you'll help him more at the beginning and less as he learns to do it himself. He simply does.not.have the fine motor skills you do. The muscles in his hands and fingers need to be trained. He will not be ABLE to tie his shoes the first time. Four is still young, no matter how well he can verbally defy you.

Don't forget kindness. If he gets upset, let him be upset and then maybe suggest taking a break from this "hard work." He's frustrated with himself and with you, for making him do it. It feels like being asked to write a long essay with the wrong hand. They can't even wipe their own butts well. They simply do not have the dexterity. YET. Thomas trains and tracks helped a lot... piecing them together with buildings all over the house and bridging with other things across furniture, mentally and with finer motor skills.

Children are just small people with fewer tools to cope. Help show him some tools and how to use them because he'll come across problems in K too, and it will be best if he learns that the adults in his life want to see him succeed and grow, not blame him for not having skills he doesn't have and isn't being taught.
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Old Yesterday, 08:05 AM
 
11,876 posts, read 9,704,225 times
Reputation: 15505
Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyFarm34 View Post
He tells me things like

"I can't do it"

"I'm not a big boy"

He doesn't even try that's the most irritating part. I tell him to blow his nose or put on his shoes and he makes mountains out of a molehill that he can't do it. I even tried demonstrating how to do it and that didn't work.

His shoes have velcro straps so they're easier to put on. I just think he should be learning to blow his nose without getting mad about it. He seems very resistant to change sometimes. It wasn't until he was four and actually started going on the potty during the day consistently. The downside he still refuses to poop in toilet and still wears a diaper at night.

I babysit this kid 4-5x a week and trying to encourage him to do tasks that I think is age-appropriate so he is ready for school in the fall.

I haven't really talked to his mom about it. She's frustrated enough about his potty issues.
https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids...gateway&sr=8-1
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Old Yesterday, 09:09 AM
 
Location: Denver CO
20,483 posts, read 11,288,316 times
Reputation: 30693
Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyFarm34 View Post
He tells me things like

"I can't do it"

"I'm not a big boy"

He doesn't even try that's the most irritating part. I tell him to blow his nose or put on his shoes and he makes mountains out of a molehill that he can't do it. I even tried demonstrating how to do it and that didn't work.

His shoes have velcro straps so they're easier to put on. I just think he should be learning to blow his nose without getting mad about it. He seems very resistant to change sometimes. It wasn't until he was four and actually started going on the potty during the day consistently. The downside he still refuses to poop in toilet and still wears a diaper at night.

I babysit this kid 4-5x a week and trying to encourage him to do tasks that I think is age-appropriate so he is ready for school in the fall.

I haven't really talked to his mom about it.
She's frustrated enough about his potty issues.
The bolded is key. You need to be consistent with what the mom/parents are doing, whatever that is. It's not your position to decide for them.
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Old Yesterday, 09:23 AM
 
Location: NYC area
528 posts, read 425,534 times
Reputation: 901
Usually when kids say they can't do something you know they are capable of doing, they are craving connection and reassurance from you. Just like when my spouse is making coffee, and I ask him to make me some as well---am I capable of getting up and making my own? Sure. But is it a nice act of affection when he does it for me? Also yes. Same for when he asks me to put his laundry in, or I ask him to take the car and put air in the tires. I'm capable of it, he's capable of it, but they are both tasks we don't enjoy and the other doesn't mind, so we ask the other person to do it.

And don't worry too much about preparing them for K---peer influence is a great motivator. When he's in school and seeing other kids put on his own shoes, he'll put on his own shoes.

My 3.5 year old frequently asks me to do small tasks for her--she IS capable of putting on her own shoes, but truly it's harder for her and takes her longer than it takes me. Sometimes (a lot of the time, actually) I think she doesn't feel up to it, and she asks me to do it. If I'm busy, I ask her to try and then I come and finish it--like maybe she does the first shoe and I do the second. If I'm not doing anything, I do it for her. When she does the tasks by herself, it's guaranteed to take 3x longer than when I do it. And I have an older kiddo, so I know she will get there eventually.
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Old Yesterday, 12:14 PM
 
1,496 posts, read 1,435,742 times
Reputation: 4215
I think your hands are tied because he isn't your child. As frustrating as it is just go with things as they are. Has the mother expressed a desire for you to push these issues? They will figure out soon enough when he goes to school about the bathroom situation.

The good thing for you is going with the flow will avoid a lot of contention between you and the child. Regardless, you will not make any headway with these things if the parents are not pushing the same expectations when you aren't there.
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