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Old 05-21-2019, 08:12 AM
 
Location: Winterpeg
882 posts, read 337,593 times
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My husband and I talked extensively about parenting and our viewpoints and styles, before we got married and had our kid. So we were pretty much on the same page. The way we dealt with exact situations sometimes differed, but not by much. And we could always talk about it.

That's a different situation from a parent and stepparent dynamic, so I don't know that it helps you any. Step parent relationships that I've witnessed have always had multiple complicating factors.
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Old 05-21-2019, 11:44 AM
 
Location: Denver CO
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Every parent has different styles, and every kid needs a unique approach of their own anyway. But parent and step parent are not the same, and even if you think your husband needs to have a different approach, that's something you need to bring up with him.

As a step parent, esp. a relatively new one IIRC, you should be taking more of a "kindly aunt" approach. You aren't a parent, and you shouldn't try to be one. What you can be is a supportive and loving adult presence, while supporting your husband's role as a parent. And when you disagree with him, you need to step back. You definitely need to avoid contradicting your husband's parenting style, because that is bad for your step son, and more significantly, your marriage.

Long term, fwiw, most of my friends who are step mothers have said that they are more successful as grandmothers than they were as step mothers. By then, things had mellowed out enough for the step kids to appreciate another loving grandparent in their own child/ren's lives, and whatever kinds of territory skirmishes there may have been when the stepkid was younger, they have matured and moved on from. Not always, of course, but that's where staying in the background and letting your husband step up to be the parent comes in handy. A child or teen doesn't recognize that when its happening, but as an adult parenting their own kids, they become more aware of it.
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Old 05-21-2019, 12:15 PM
 
Location: Raleigh
8,321 posts, read 6,183,479 times
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How do you define "Parenting Style?" The Authoritative/Authoritarian/Indulgent/Uninvolved quadrant?

I don't always think its fair to look at specific instances such as chores, schoolwork, etc, as evidence of a parenting style.

Honestly, growing up our rooms were generally messy. It wasn't a huge priority to our parents unless it got BAD. We were told to bring our clothes to the laundry room and that was it. Most of our athletic clothes we did ourselves from 5th grade on. But I can see a huge sticking point if we were a step-parent family. Step-mom or Dad says something about it, Bio-parent communicates it to the child to make their bed everyday, but Bio-Parent doesn't have their heart in it, doesn't want to pick that battle, etc. OTOH, we were expected to be respectful with good manners, bring our plates to the dishwasher, mow the lawn, etc.
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Old 05-21-2019, 01:59 PM
 
9,523 posts, read 13,464,325 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JONOV View Post
How do you define "Parenting Style?" The Authoritative/Authoritarian/Indulgent/Uninvolved quadrant?

I don't always think its fair to look at specific instances such as chores, schoolwork, etc, as evidence of a parenting style.

Honestly, growing up our rooms were generally messy. It wasn't a huge priority to our parents unless it got BAD. We were told to bring our clothes to the laundry room and that was it. Most of our athletic clothes we did ourselves from 5th grade on. But I can see a huge sticking point if we were a step-parent family. Step-mom or Dad says something about it, Bio-parent communicates it to the child to make their bed everyday, but Bio-Parent doesn't have their heart in it, doesn't want to pick that battle, etc. OTOH, we were expected to be respectful with good manners, bring our plates to the dishwasher, mow the lawn, etc.
The main thing is that my husband is more of a "it's his life. he will deal with the consequences" kind of person and I'm more like "how can we avoid these situations so he doesn't have to deal with the consequences?" … nothing my stepson does is BAD … one thing we disagree on is that my husband lets him stay up all night playing video games on school nights. I think he should get some sleep when he has school the next day .. but my stepson has good grades so my husband says "well if he's tired for school, that's on him".


I just don't want to make a habit of it day in & day out b/c things like that are hard to get out of. Gaming is addictive and I don't want to see it consume his life to the point where it starts taking over. The WHO has now classified 'addictive gaming' as a mental illness. I don't want to see my stepson go down that road.


Ultimately I don't want to start arguments with my husband. My stepson obviously enjoys gaming & as long as he is getting his homework done, getting good grades and doing his chores, then do I really have a leg to stand on?
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Old 05-21-2019, 02:26 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,413 posts, read 41,942,096 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jdawg8181 View Post
The main thing is that my husband is more of a "it's his life. he will deal with the consequences" kind of person and I'm more like "how can we avoid these situations so he doesn't have to deal with the consequences?" … nothing my stepson does is BAD … one thing we disagree on is that my husband lets him stay up all night playing video games on school nights. I think he should get some sleep when he has school the next day .. but my stepson has good grades so my husband says "well if he's tired for school, that's on him".
Sleep is one of the most important factors for our physical health, and teens especially need good sleep. It can even affect his growth.

It's ok to disagree with your husband. You can present your thoughts on the issue out of concern for the son. The fact that your stepson makes good grades doesn't cancel out the fact that he needs good sleep for his overall health and stress management.

The end doesn't always justify the means. Let's just say that he makes good grades in spite of the fact that he doesn't sleep.

I still think your husband just doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy.
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Old 05-21-2019, 03:24 PM
 
18,370 posts, read 23,552,009 times
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KIDS ..teenagers live for the moment....and cant see clearly the consequences..parents have to be the protectors not buddies..

some of the worst parenting ive seen is single mothers of teenage daughters and they seem to want to live thru their daughters ...the partying and attention they never had....allowing them to go for overnights and unsupervised parties at 14-15-16
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Old 05-21-2019, 05:38 PM
 
2,119 posts, read 727,487 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jdawg8181 View Post
Ultimately I don't want to start arguments with my husband. My stepson obviously enjoys gaming & as long as he is getting his homework done, getting good grades and doing his chores, then do I really have a leg to stand on?
Interesting- that was one major area of disagreement my second DH and I had over DS from my first marriage. My son had been through a lot- his Dad was alcoholic, controlling, verbally abusive and criticized us about everything. We divorced when DS was 12 and I did the classic Dysfunctional Family thing and over-indulged DS. If a new video game made him happy, that was something I could do for him. DH would say, "Honey, you know that isn't good for him". DH gently but lovingly held DS to higher standards than I did. My point of view was, "Look how far he's come" and DH's was, "Yes, but look where he SHOULD be".

I think what helped was not disagreeing in front of DS and both of us knowing that the truth was somewhere in the middle. It took DS awhile to get his act together, including 4 years at a military boarding school for HS and getting a therapist who convinced him to quit video games while he was in college, but I'm proud of what he's accomplished.

You and your husband need to present a united front on the video games and I agree that playing all night is bad, no matter how well he functions in other areas of life. How much Red Bull is he chugging to stay awake?
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Old 05-21-2019, 05:39 PM
 
3,589 posts, read 1,393,462 times
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we had different styles since we had one son and one daughter.

1. son was given slack. he tried the good and bad and ended up good.
2. daughter was detained. she would not "shake" the bad boys/girls/decisions.

my wife reminded me: "the two worst years in a woman's life
are when she turns 13 and when her daughter turns 13."
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Old 05-21-2019, 06:01 PM
 
6,219 posts, read 2,879,696 times
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Neither of us were strict or control addicts. He was though more consistent in his guidance and demeanor. I was the hippie style parent...more of let them grow and explore. If they go to far I reel them back in. Which for my youngest was a constant.
I carried the "traditions", so they would learn those values.

My oldest son is a parent and often I think how he emulates his Dad in parenting. Fair and stern when need be. His wife and him are definitely a team in parenting. Both contribute and guide.

I fairly admit that my parenting style probably wouldn't work with this current generation. As they are glued to tech stuff and my kids were too adventurous to be stuck to a device. Catching frogs and making yard forts ....
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Old 05-22-2019, 09:23 AM
 
5,341 posts, read 5,311,505 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jdawg8181 View Post
The main thing is that my husband is more of a "it's his life. he will deal with the consequences" kind of person and I'm more like "how can we avoid these situations so he doesn't have to deal with the consequences?" … nothing my stepson does is BAD … one thing we disagree on is that my husband lets him stay up all night playing video games on school nights. I think he should get some sleep when he has school the next day .. but my stepson has good grades so my husband says "well if he's tired for school, that's on him".


I just don't want to make a habit of it day in & day out b/c things like that are hard to get out of. Gaming is addictive and I don't want to see it consume his life to the point where it starts taking over. The WHO has now classified 'addictive gaming' as a mental illness. I don't want to see my stepson go down that road.


Ultimately I don't want to start arguments with my husband. My stepson obviously enjoys gaming & as long as he is getting his homework done, getting good grades and doing his chores, then do I really have a leg to stand on?
This is very common. It is much like my wife and I. I’ll betcha you think that he should parent more than he does.

I think both perspectives and approaches have their strengths and weaknesses. That is exactly why both styles can complement one another when used right. For example, if the kid exhibits behavior that is in need of intervention, a parent should not be hands off and have the attitude of “it’s his life” or “he’ll learn”. On the other hand, a kid does need to be let go to experience things for themselves.

Extremes in one direction or the other is not good.

This is all so much easier to write about than actually do.

Best of luck.
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