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Old 05-22-2019, 09:23 AM
 
Location: Raleigh
8,181 posts, read 6,070,656 times
Reputation: 11380

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jdawg8181 View Post
The main thing is that my husband is more of a "it's his life. he will deal with the consequences" kind of person and I'm more like "how can we avoid these situations so he doesn't have to deal with the consequences?" nothing my stepson does is BAD one thing we disagree on is that my husband lets him stay up all night playing video games on school nights. I think he should get some sleep when he has school the next day .. but my stepson has good grades so my husband says "well if he's tired for school, that's on him".


I just don't want to make a habit of it day in & day out b/c things like that are hard to get out of. Gaming is addictive and I don't want to see it consume his life to the point where it starts taking over. The WHO has now classified 'addictive gaming' as a mental illness. I don't want to see my stepson go down that road.


Ultimately I don't want to start arguments with my husband. My stepson obviously enjoys gaming & as long as he is getting his homework done, getting good grades and doing his chores, then do I really have a leg to stand on?
All Night, or later than you want?

He says "Let him deal with the consequences."

Consequences of what?

It's one thing to say "I'll let him deal with the consequences of being late to school, or tired." Its another to let it get to the point where the truant officer is calling and graduation is in jeopardy. Its one thing to be tired at school. Its another to be so tired that grades are bad.
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Old 05-22-2019, 03:46 PM
 
Location: Grosse Ile Michigan
26,424 posts, read 62,653,352 times
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Very different. We balance each other out well.
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Old 05-23-2019, 09:26 AM
 
9,393 posts, read 13,345,874 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nov3 View Post
Neither of us were strict or control addicts. He was though more consistent in his guidance and demeanor. I was the hippie style parent...more of let them grow and explore. If they go to far I reel them back in. Which for my youngest was a constant.
I carried the "traditions", so they would learn those values.

My oldest son is a parent and often I think how he emulates his Dad in parenting. Fair and stern when need be. His wife and him are definitely a team in parenting. Both contribute and guide.

I fairly admit that my parenting style probably wouldn't work with this current generation. As they are glued to tech stuff and my kids were too adventurous to be stuck to a device. Catching frogs and making yard forts ....
My stepson is not adventurous. We try to take him to out to experience things but the handheld device he plays comes everywhere, it's hard for him to really enjoy what we're doing or get anything out of the experience.


Admittedly it's just started to become warm-ish here in the Northeast so I am hoping he can enjoy summer here he doesn't like the beach. We are going to take him camping and whale watching. IDK if he will like camping, there is nowhere to charge the devices, lol.


I'm in my late 30's. I grew up on the peak of computers. My parents got their first computer, Apple 2E, when I was about 9. I think technology has really overtaken our kids. It's really quite sad.
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Old 05-23-2019, 10:37 AM
 
Location: The point of no return, er, NorCal
7,207 posts, read 4,611,172 times
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We agree 100% on parenting practices and philosophy. My husband is more patient than I am, but overall, our approach and practices line up.
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Old 05-23-2019, 01:40 PM
 
36 posts, read 10,833 times
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We are very different and it doesn't make it so easy to be unified in our parenting. If we aren't, the kids can play off of it.
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Old 05-23-2019, 05:36 PM
 
9,393 posts, read 13,345,874 times
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I know my husband is the nicer one lol
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Old 05-24-2019, 10:30 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,884 posts, read 17,196,676 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jdawg8181 View Post
My stepson is not adventurous. We try to take him to out to experience things but the handheld device he plays comes everywhere, it's hard for him to really enjoy what we're doing or get anything out of the experience.


Admittedly it's just started to become warm-ish here in the Northeast so I am hoping he can enjoy summer here he doesn't like the beach. We are going to take him camping and whale watching. IDK if he will like camping, there is nowhere to charge the devices, lol.


I'm in my late 30's. I grew up on the peak of computers. My parents got their first computer, Apple 2E, when I was about 9. I think technology has really overtaken our kids. It's really quite sad.
Most, if not all, of the parents that I know have guidelines about cell phone/electronic game use when with family. I don't know anyone who allows it while eating with family, either at home or in a restaurant or park. And, most have rules when on family outings, typically kids can use it in the car but when they arrive at the activity it needs to be turned off or left in the car.

What type of rules does your step-son's mother have? What type of rules did your husband have before his son moved in with you? I suspect that your husband is trying to be the "Disneyland parent" and is afraid to set up rules for his son.
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Old 05-28-2019, 04:23 PM
 
12,032 posts, read 9,814,334 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ellybelly83 View Post
Not the spouse i had kids with but my parent and i have completely different parenting styles, it can be and is difficult when merging households.
You are merging households with your PARENTS? EEK! I am sorry!
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Old 05-29-2019, 10:45 AM
 
9,393 posts, read 13,345,874 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
Most, if not all, of the parents that I know have guidelines about cell phone/electronic game use when with family. I don't know anyone who allows it while eating with family, either at home or in a restaurant or park. And, most have rules when on family outings, typically kids can use it in the car but when they arrive at the activity it needs to be turned off or left in the car.

What type of rules does your step-son's mother have? What type of rules did your husband have before his son moved in with you? I suspect that your husband is trying to be the "Disneyland parent" and is afraid to set up rules for his son.
It's pretty much anything goes @ her house. She lives in another state but he has been with her full-time until coming to us now full-time. I think he is used to just being left alone to play video games.


My husband doesn't set boundaries or rules for him. I think there does need to be some rules.


One thing for me is that my family is all based here and my husband's family is based on the opposite side of the country, so all holidays are spent with my family .. and my stepson will come and play his game the ENTIRE time and not socialize with anyone. I do know he finds it boring b/c there isn't anyone his age, but @ 15, you can learn to be a little sociable with people.


My husband doesn't set rules or boundaries b/c his grades are good and he helps around the house ... but "good" kids need rules too.


We aren't always going to be around and my stepson needs to be able to stop the games and take himself to school or work without us prompting him. (I wake him up everyday and tell him it's time for school ... and I think he can't wake himself up b/c he is tired from playing games all night) ... when I tell my husband this he says "well let him wake up late and miss school then" ... I don't think that is the right attitude.


But I am not his mom, so I try and stay out of it.
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Old 05-29-2019, 11:46 AM
 
Location: Denver CO
20,996 posts, read 11,624,951 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jdawg8181 View Post
One thing for me is that my family is all based here and my husband's family is based on the opposite side of the country, so all holidays are spent with my family .. and my stepson will come and play his game the ENTIRE time and not socialize with anyone. I do know he finds it boring b/c there isn't anyone his age, but @ 15, you can learn to be a little sociable with people.

.
That's a tough one. My son is about the same age (turns 15 later this summer) and doesn't always want to be that sociable at family gatherings and this is actually HIS family. So I do have some sympathy for your stepson not being all that interested in socializing with his step mom's family when he doesn't know them, doesn't have that shared family history and stories about things that happened over the years when he might have been a part of some of it.

I do put my foot down and no electronics at the dinner table when we are all eating together. But when he's finished, I will let him excuse himself and go to another area and do his own thing. Very few 15 year old want to sit and listen to a bunch of adults telling family stories even when it's their own family.

While I think things are different and the vast majority of the time, a step parent should defer to their spouse even if they disagree with them when it comes to a parenting issue, I think in this case, it would be worth talking to your husband about some reasonable boundaries, such as politely participating during dinner conversation or whatever is appropriate for your family gatherings. Once you've reached an agreement with your husband that you are both behind, then your husband should do the heavy lifting of parenting and convey those expectations to your stepson.

If your son is into videography at all, even just on his phone, you might see if you can separately enlist his help to make some videos of the gathering. He doesn't have to interview people, but if he can capture natural conversations and activities and then edit it down, that would be something for him to do that's a little bit more interactive. And it would also be a nice thing to share with your family.

Another thought is to let your stepson invite a friend for at least some of the time. It would be different if there were family members his age - even if he didn't know them very well, there would be ways to facilitate them getting to know each other. But since it sounds like there aren't any other kids at all, that's pretty tough. If I'm misreading and there are perhaps younger kids and just not any older teens, then I'd try bribery. Pay him to "babysit" the younger kids, take them to a local playground or just to play ball in the yard or something. Give the adults a break but make it somewhat worth his while too.
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